by Don Miller
Mary’s heart was beating so loudly, she was sure he could hear it. “What feelings do you have for me, Richard?” she whispered.
“I do not know for sure, but I expect they are the beginnings of love. I miss you. I am happy when I see you. I like being with you. I dream about you. Do you have any such feelings for me?”
Raising her head and looking in his eyes, she said softly, “Yes, I do, but I could not dream one such as you could have the same feelings for me.”
He very much wanted to kiss her, but knew he should not. “Mary, as I said, this is new to me, but I must find out where this leads. I know I cannot ask you for a courtship until your full mourning period is over, but I wanted you to know I am serious about you.”
“I find it hard to believe you are serious about me. I know that months ago you would not have considered me at all and although I have worked hard to improve myself, there is still a part of me that remembers what I was like and feels I am not deserving of a man such as you.”
He smiled at her. “And what kind of man is one such as me?”
She laughed and gave him a light punch on the arm with her free hand. “You are just looking for compliments, are you not, but I will tell you anyway. You are handsome and thoughtful and good and from a very important family and wise in the ways of the world I am not. Shall I go on?”
He laughed. “No. But as impressive as you make me sound, Mary, I am still just a man like any man who has needs and problems and wishes and who needs a wife and companion who will help him deal with those needs and wishes.” Then he stopped, took her hands in his, and looked at her with a very serious face. “Now comes the difficult part for me. The reason I wanted to talk to you about this today is there are some things about me, needs and problems you must know about before we go any further. I want you to be fully aware of what you would be getting into if we were to have a future together.”
She squeezed his hands, trying to communicate her feelings for him. “And I want to know what they are, because more than anything, I want to be someone whom you need and whom you can love.”
“I do not think there is a question about that. The question is: are my needs and problems more than you imagined?”
He gave her his arm again and they started walking as he took some time to collect his thoughts. Finally he said, “Mary, I have spent many years on the battlefield, seeing death and destruction and sights too terrible to describe. As a young man I believed nothing could faze me—that I could accept all I saw as a part of war and the inevitable struggles between the nations of the world. But I was not as unaffected as I thought I would be and as the years went by, unlike many of my fellow officers, I did not become inured to what I saw. I became more and more dismayed and distressed at the atrocities men could do to other men. I was good at my job and considered an excellent tactician, but in the last few years, I have come to dread doing my duty because of the nightmares I have. I have had to direct men to kill people and watch them do it. Many of those actions haunt me. I have ordered my men into action in which I knew many of them would die, and those deaths haunt me even more. I am near the breaking point and I know I cannot go back onto the battlefield because I believe I will have a complete breakdown. Sometimes what I have done so affects me, I have periods of deep depression and they are worsening and becoming more frequent. Only my parents and Darcy know about them, and they have helped me, but I have never confessed to them how truly bad they are. I have just assured them I cannot return to the battlefield and I have been assured by the War Office that if I remain in the service, I will not have to return.”
“Unfortunately, these memories may never leave me and I do not know how I will deal with them in the coming years. Will they continue to get worse? I do not know. I hope being around family and loved ones and having a good marriage will give me a foundation that may help me eventually rid myself of these terrors, but I do not know that. I want to believe it with all of my heart and soul. Over the past few years I had come to believe there did not exist a woman with whom I would even consider sharing this secret of mine or whom I thought might be able to help me face my problems. And then I met you and somehow, for some reason, I came to believe maybe there was one, and the more I am with you, the more I believe it. But it will be a challenge, Mary. I will wake you in the middle of many a night with my thrashing and mumbling caused by my nightmares. I will be overcome with fits of depression in which I am not sure how I will treat you. I may look good on the outside, Mary, but inside I am a mess and I am not sure you deserve to be saddled with a man like me.”
As he told her this, he had been walking straight ahead, not looking at her, not wanting to see how his disclosure affected her—just wanting to finally get it out. When he finished, he stopped and looked at her. She was looking at him with tears in her eyes and such compassion he could not look away. Tears began to form in his eyes. “You see, Mary, I need you much more than you need me.”
“Richard, I had no idea. I cannot even imagine what it must be like for you. But what you have told me does not change my opinion that you are the man for me. In fact, I think it has only made my feelings for you stronger. What you have told me is that you are a compassionate man who cares for his fellow man and seeing what cruelty man can do to man deeply disturbs you. I respect that in you. I will admit I fear my inexperience and immaturity is not enough to give you the support you need, but that does not mean I do not want to try. We both fear we are not good enough for the other, but we will never know if we do not try. I am beginning to believe God brought us together for a purpose, just like Lizzie thinks she was meant to be with Darcy.”
He took her hands in his and looked directly in her eyes. “You know, Alicia said almost that same thing about us. But are you sure about that, Mary, because there is more? I have also been wounded several times and the doctors do not know what the long term effects of some of those wounds will be—particularly the one for which they did not take a bullet out of me because of its proximity to vital organs. It has been two years and I no longer think about it, but they said there was a small possibility it could eventually damage those organs and cause my death without warning.”
“I am absolutely sure. Having met you and gotten to know you, I cannot imagine marrying another man. If you are willing to make a commitment to me as soon as the full mourning period is over, then I will be willing to make that commitment to you.”
Not caring where he was, he pulled her into his arms and put her head against his chest. “I am not usually this impulsive, Mary, but I have come to care for you more than I thought I would ever care for a woman. I want you for my wife and if you will have me, I want you to marry me.”
With tears of happiness streaming down her face that was still buried in his chest, she said, “I accept that as a premature proposal Richard, and I accept it, although we must wait to say anything formal. Now we must show some decorum and separate and tell Darcy and Lizzie.”
Darcy and Elizabeth had seen Richard and Mary stop and had slowed down to let them continue their talk, but when they saw them embrace, they decided they should hurry forward to remind them where they were. Just before they reached Mary and Richard, those two separated and looked their way, Mary with tears in her eyes and Richard looking abashed but happy.
“Oh dear,” said Elizabeth, “I have a feeling we have witnessed something not supposed to happen during the first three months of mourning.”
“Yes, you have, Lizzie. Richard has told me his concerns and in discussing them, we discovered we do not want to waste any more time. We have decided we are two people who do not deserve each other, but who very much want to spend our life together, so he has proposed and I have accepted and we will announce it after the full mourning period is over. And somehow I do not think my father and mother would be upset with me.”
Darcy laughed and said, “I agree your parents would probably not object, but I heartily disagree you do not deserve each other, Mary. From what I hav
e observed and learned about you, having accepted Richard with all of his frailties, you more than deserve him, and from what I have known about him for years, he certainly deserves you. It seems God had plans for two sisters and two brothers, which is what I consider Richard, and those plans have now come to fruition. Richard, I can imagine the temptation you are fighting, wanting to kiss your betrothed to seal the engagement, but this is not the time or place. Let us got back to the Gardiners and you may decide if you want to give them the good news. However, I do not think we should tell anyone else until September.”
Chapter 29: Four Days before the Wedding
It was four days before the wedding and most of the people, who were staying at Pemberley, had already arrived to enjoy the beautiful grounds and sights to be seen in the environs as well as to socialize with friends. All of those staying at Pemberley were members of the Group of Seven and their families, with the exception of the Gardiners, who were well known to most of the Group. It was, in fact, the first time the Group of Seven and their families had all been together, staying in the same house, and having the opportunity to socialize every day. All agreed they enjoyed the camaraderie and would have to do this more often. Only Pemberley and Brookstone, the estate of the Marquess of Willingham, and Fallingbrook, the estate of the Earl and Duchess of Denby, had manor houses large enough to hold everyone, so the Darcys, Willinghams, and Denbys would have to be the hosts of such gatherings. Although overwhelmed with the idea she might have to hostess such an event regularly in the future, Elizabeth greatly enjoyed becoming better acquainted with all those who were at Pemberley for the wedding and was, with some trepidation, quite in favor of the suggestion. The Willinghams and Denbys were more than willing and wondered why they had not thought of doing it in the many years the Group of Seven had been together.
Now that the full mourning period of the Bennet sisters was over, Richard suggested perhaps it would be a good idea to hold a dance class one afternoon before the ballroom was set up for the wedding. It would give anyone who wished to participate in the class a chance to learn or practice the latest dances, particularly the waltz. It would also give those young ladies who would not be able to dance at the ball because they were not out, a chance to dance. More specifically, it would give Richard a chance to dance the waltz with Mary. Darcy and Elizabeth and the Gardiners had no objections, so it was arranged; however, Darcy and Elizabeth could not participate because they were acting as hosts, even though Elizabeth was not yet officially the mistress of Pemberley. She was working with her Aunt Gardiner, Lady Matlock, and Mrs. Reynolds to make sure all the plans and arrangements for the wedding, wedding breakfast, and ball were in hand. Darcy was spending much of his time making sure housing arrangements for all of the guests were handled properly.
Although those few who had arrived in Derbyshire as early as four days before the wedding were invited to the dance class, it was only those staying at Pemberley who chose to attend and of those, it was only younger people who did so, including Richard and Mary, Capt. and Lady Alicia Rutherford, the three eldest Dumont children: Matthew, Mark, and Cynthia, Margaret Farnsworth and her second eldest brother Robert, Harold Farrington, Lord Vollenbrook, Lady Penelope, and the three girls who were not out yet: Georgiana, Kitty, and Lydia. Mrs. Gardiner had kindly offered to play the piano and Mr. Gardiner came along in case either of his younger nieces needed a partner. However, Matthew asked Kitty to be his partner, a request to which she happily agreed, and Harold Farrington offered to teach Lydia. Georgiana was happy to accept Mark Dumont, who was currently a student at Cambridge. Lord Vollenbrook asked Margaret Farnsworth to be his partner and that left Robert Farnsworth to dance with Lady Penelope or Cynthia Dumont. Lady Penelope, who knew Robert Farnsworth very well, offered to let Cynthia be his partner, saying she would move among the partnerships, stealing the man for a dance and giving the lady a chance to rest a dance while she danced with her partner.
In the discussion prior to the start of dancing, it was clear that Matthew, Mark, Cynthia, Lord Vollenbrook, and Lady Penelope were the most expert at the waltz, so it was agreed they would instruct where needed. To everyone’s surprise, Mr. Gardiner stepped forward and stated that he and his wife were quite good at the dance and they would also be able to help.
The first hour was spent on traditional dances, and then after a break for refreshments, the group turned to the waltz, and three couples demonstrated all the steps and the proper dance position. Matthew danced with Cynthia, Lord Vollenbrook danced with Lady Penelope, and Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner danced together, while Georgiana played the piano. All were very impressed with the skill of Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner and as a result, for the next four dances, Georgiana continued to play the piano, while Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner helped those who did not have a partner who were not one of the five who already knew how to waltz well.
Matthew was greatly enjoying dancing with Kitty. She had a natural ability to dance and it did not take them long to waltz like they had been dancing it for years. He had even taught her some advanced steps and she had learned them with ease. He was becoming more and more impressed with her.
Matthew had often been in Kitty’s company in London during August when he and his siblings had stayed to visit their grandparents after Richard’s knighthood party. Because Dumont House and Darcy House were only a block from one another, Cynthia Dumont often went to Darcy House to visit Kitty and Georgiana and they returned her visits at Dumont House. Of course, Cynthia would often take her brothers with her and they would accompany the girls when they walked or rode in Hyde Park. Matthew had taken an immediate liking to Kitty and had walked or ridden beside her whenever he could. He even took it upon himself to help her gain a better understanding of proper posture when riding and how to handle the horse. Georgiana had given Kitty riding lessons during the days at Pemberley prior to their departure for London, but Kitty had not yet become a very confident rider when they first took a ride in Hyde Park with the Dumonts. Matthew noticed her lack of confidence and had been most happy to help her. Georgiana, Cynthia, and Mark, seeing how much Matthew and Kitty seemed to enjoy each other, had often intentionally left them to themselves. Several times during these times together, they talked about being able to dance together after she was out.
During one of their waltzes, Matthew noticed Kitty was not being her usual exuberant self. “Kitty, is something wrong? You do not seem to be enjoying yourself. Are you not enjoying the dance as much as I am or are you tired of dancing? During our conversations in London, you seemed to be so keen on dancing I did not think you would ever get tired of it.”
Kitty blushed. “I am sorry Matt. I am a little preoccupied. But I am enjoying dancing. Dancing with you has been one of the most enjoyable things I have ever done.”
He leaned back and looked at her, but she refused to look at him. “From the way that you say that, it almost sounds as though you do not expect you will be able to dance with me again after today.”
When she did not answer, he continued. “I do not understand. We agreed that after your coming out next year, we will be able to dance together whenever we want. Have you decided you will not want to dance with me then?”
She looked at him. “Of course not, I will happily dance with you, if you ask me.”
“And why would not I ask you?”
“Because from conversations I have had with my sisters recently, I just discovered you are to be the Baron of Monttard and one of the richest men in England. You will need to look for a young woman of the highest circles who will be worthy of being a Baroness.”
He looked somewhat surprised. “You did not know that before?”
“No. I probably should have, but I am often oblivious to such things. Unless someone volunteers such information to me, I never think to ask. I am more interested in knowing if I like a person rather than what their status is. I suppose when I am out, I will have to think more about such things.”
“Then I can assume you liked me for myself and not
what I will become?”
She answered with a very soft, “Yes.”
“But it clearly bothers you now you know. Why would that be? Hmm.” He paused as he thought. “Could it be that you would like to dance more with me, but you believe that since you are not someone worthy of being a Baroness, I will need to restrict my attentions to young ladies worthy of being a Baroness.”
After another soft affirmative from Kitty, he continued, “Let us consider your qualifications. It’s true you were not born into the first circles, but your brother-in-law and sister are quite wealthy and will be of the first circles. You will be living with them and debuting with Georgiana, who is of the first circles and you are her best friend and sister by marriage. You are pretty. You are a wonderful artist. You dance well. You seem to be intelligent. You have a good dowry. What more do you suppose is needed for you to be worthy to be a Baroness?”
She looked at him as if she had not considered all those facts before. “I do not know.”
“Could it be that you thought I could not even think about courting someone such as you?”
“Yes.”
He made no reply until the end of the dance. As they were standing waiting to participate in the next dance, he said, “Kitty, I must admit I have not been thinking about the long term future. I have just been thinking about how nice it would be to finally be able to dance with you at balls when you are out. To tell the truth, I have given very little thought to marriage and finding a woman worthy of being a Baroness. But I realize women, who are financially dependent on their husbands, usually start worrying about their future earlier than men. I assure you, Kitty, all of those attributes I listed for you will make you a very desirable match for many men when you are out. I suspect neither you nor Georgiana will be lacking suitors. I certainly cannot predict what will happen to us over the coming year, but I assure you, at this point I very much intend to dance with you at your coming out ball. I just hope by that time you will not have met some other young man and I will be forgotten.”