by Ed Bemand
Each in turn read out their work, some eagerly, even smugly, others nervously. Lewis wanted to hide. Some of the students had written straight love poems, either trying to mimic the style of the classical romantics or in modern free verse. More had tried to find a clever way to avoid having to show any real emotion. Some of it was rather dirty. They wrote of love of all kinds, love of sex, love of sport, love of life.
Despite his frantic hopes that the class would finish before he had to take a turn, he couldn’t escape it. Nerves made his voice high and unsteady.
“You know so much more than me.
And want to show it all to me.
You help me see things differently
I can learn so much from you.”
Lewis couldn’t go on. He was too embarrassed. Julian smiled slightly and told him that he could stop there and sit back down.
At the end of the class he had to run off for fear of being seen crying. He hid in a cubicle in the toilets waiting for his heart to stop racing.
He was flattered when Julian asked him to read a paper that he had written. It was a review of current trends in poetry that he was submitting to a journal and he wanted to hear what Lewis thought of it before he sent it in. That someone as learned as Julian could possibly value what Lewis thought made him feel nervous and proud. Julian had made it seem so natural when he had invited Lewis to his house to read the paper that Lewis couldn’t even think of refusing the offer.
He had been anxious as he had stood on the doorstep of Julian’s house, the sound of the doorbell seeming terrifyingly loud as he waited for it to be answered.
Julian greeted him warmly as a close friend and it only seemed natural for Lewis to respond in kind. Men didn’t normally kiss each other on the cheek in greeting but it made Julian seem even more refined than before, even as it made Lewis more nervous.
He gratefully accepted the offer of wine while he read though he wasn’t used to it and found himself drinking it faster than he should have. It made him feel light-headed and flushed.
The article was about the depiction of love in modern works and it expressed a basic dissatisfaction with modern trends in that area. Purer and more beautiful was the love as shown by the great romantics of earlier times and it seemed concerned that the ability to talk of love in such frank but elegant terms was something that had been lost over time.
Modernity of expression in literature was at the tail end of an incredibly self-referential style at the time. Everything was so consciously knowing and ironic. Wouldn’t it be better if people could just say what they felt rather than being so obsessed with being clever?
Lewis felt unable and unwilling to resist as Julian moved closer to him. The kiss was of a different kind than before. It had a sensual quality that made Lewis think about what he had written of the death of the romantic. Lewis knew that the love Julian claimed was dead still existed in his heart, even if he was only just now beginning to realise it, and he sought to demonstrate it to him with his actions.
Julian told him to take off all his clothes. The smooth boyish body that had always been a source of embarrassment when Lewis was with his friends seemed to heighten Julian’s pleasures and he had claimed every inch of it with his hungry kisses and caresses. He stayed the night and offered himself willingly to Julian.
Lewis had always been wary of letting himself look at other guys for too long when they were naked but Julian didn’t mind how long he looked at him for. He was probably twenty years older than Lewis but he was in pretty good shape and the light dusting of grey in the hair on his head and chest didn’t subtract from it. Lewis couldn’t help but stare at his cock. Lewis had always thought that his mind had been preoccupied with images of the thicker, hairier cocks of his peers in his moments of self-gratification because he was jealous of them and wished that he could be more like them.
Did Julian already know about the dirty little secrets that Lewis had always tried to suppress? Just how often he had masturbated with his mind filled with fat cocks. When his mates had started surreptitiously sharing pornography in their teenage years he had been little interested in it until one of them showed him a blowjob video. It was from the man’s point of view and little of him was shown other than his cock. The focus was on the face of the woman that was sucking it. It wasn’t a very long video, she sucked him off enthusiastically and ended up with cum on her face. His mate had laughed as it ended and the woman had gasped and blinked as the pearlescent goo oozed down her face. Lewis was unbelievably turned on by it. Videos like that became his staple diet. He built up a huge collection of them that he would watch and masturbate too regularly. He didn’t tell anyone about it.
Now he was confronted so closely with one he found that his arousal at the thought was through wanting it differently. He closed his fingers around Julian’s cock. It felt hot and smooth and solid.
“What should I do?”
“Whatever feels natural.” Julian smiled and stroked Lewis’ hair back from his eyes.
Julian poured some kind of slippery oil onto their hands and guided Lewis to massage it into his cock.
Julian reached down and lightly fondled Lewis.
“Such a sweet little thing.”
He shushed Lewis’ stammered response.
“Don’t worry. I’m just teasing.”
Julian reached further and started to probe between Lewis’ buttocks. He had never been touched there before but Julian had made it seem erotic as he had opened him with deft fingers ’til he was able to fit the head of his cock into Lewis’ tight opening.
It had seemed unnatural and even painful at first but he had grown accustomed to the strange sensations inside him as Julian had slowly worked himself deeper until he could feel Julian’s hips pressed against his buttocks and the tickle of Julian’s pubic hair against his skin.
He felt a deeper lust and passion as Julian impaled him with his firm cock than he had ever felt stirred by the less knowledgeable touch of those girls that he had known. The grip of Julian’s hand around his own slender cock had driven him to paroxysms of pleasure and they had climaxed as one, Lewis’ cum shooting forth into the air as Julian’s plunged deep within his bowels.
He was left out of breath and just lay there for a few minutes, disturbed only when Julian extracted himself from Lewis as delicately as he could. It hurt a bit anyway. Lewis felt sore and dizzy and was still breathing heavily but it was wonderful really.
Lewis had felt a hint of shame and embarrassment about it afterwards. For so long he heard the jokes of his friends at the expense of each other’s masculinity and the use of words referring to the act he had just been a party to as negatives and the gravest of insults. It wasn’t easy accepting for himself that he was what they had made such fun of. But despite it all it felt right, like Julian had shown him something more right than he had ever glimpsed before. It was hard to feel ashamed as he had looked into the other man’s eyes and saw what looked like acceptance of what he was and even lust for it.
The next time he was in Julian’s class Lewis nervously avoided his gaze and was reluctant to speak aloud. Julian drew him aside at the end of the lesson.
“Are you okay? You seem distracted.”
Lewis muttered a nervous response and tried to leave the room but Julian blocked his way.
“What’s the matter, didn’t you enjoy what we did?”
“I did, but...”
“But what?”
“I’m not gay.”
Julian laughed.
“Neither am I. I love women.”
“Then what am I?”
“Someone special.”
“What does that mean?”
“That I saw you were special, someone who was worth taking the time to get closer to, and I’m glad that I did.
“You just wanted to fuck me.”
“Not just.”
“What you did to me...”
“We had sex. You enjoyed it, didn’t you?”
“Of cours
e.”
“And you find me attractive, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“And you want it to happen again, don’t you?”
“I do.”
“Would you like to come to my house again?”
It made Lewis blush but he didn’t want to say no.
“Tomorrow night?”
Lewis nodded tentatively. Julian ran a slow appraising eye over Lewis, seeming to be able to see right through his clothes.
“You would make a very pretty girl, you know.” Julian smiled as he held the door open for Lewis. Lewis hadn’t been sure what Julian had meant. He mumbled thanks under his breath and left the room. That night when he was alone in bed he couldn’t stop thinking about what he had said. He knew that the way Julian had looked at him made him excited. He knew that he had loved the sensations that Julian had introduced him to. If Lewis wasn’t discovering that he was gay, what was he doing?
When Lewis went to Julian’s house the following day Julian greeted him warmly and kissed him hungrily. He ushered him inside and offered him wine then headed to the kitchen. It seemed that Julian did actually mean for them to have dinner. Most of his attention was focussed on cooking, but he kept up conversation with Lewis throughout.
“Have you thought about what I said?” Julian asked.
“Which part?”
“Guess.”
“About me being a girl?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know what you mean. I am who I am.”
“And who you are is a very pretty boy.” Lewis looked offended but Julian stilled him by lightly stroking his arm. “You have such supple skin, such graceful, slender limbs, and such a hot little arse. Your legs belong framed in skirts and dresses, not hidden inside coarse trousers.” Lewis blushed and muttered something under his breath. “Would you let me see you like that?”
He tried to let it pass as a joke but Julian was insistent. Lewis found himself unable to deny Julian anything. Sheer force of his personality was enough to push him to agree willingly. Julian had clearly anticipated Lewis’ acquiescence and had made preparations. He gave Lewis bags containing feminine clothes, cosmetics and accoutrements. All newly purchased and selected with him in mind.
“What do you want me to do?”
“Just try it. No-one else ever has to know. Wouldn’t you like to be my beautiful young date for the evening, to share a romantic meal and then maybe later…” he smiled. The look in his eyes was enough to make Lewis swell. He couldn’t remember ever being looked at by anyone else with that much hunger and lust. Of course he agreed. “Take your time. There’s no rush. Dinner will be ready in an hour.”
Lewis spent most of that hour in the bathroom, washing himself thoroughly, experimenting with the contents of the bags. He removed the sparse hair from his loins, legs and armpits with a razor.
He wasn’t sure how to wear cosmetics but he did his best.
He stroked the soft fabric of the dresses and lingerie, choosing what to wear by feel as much as look.
When he emerged from the bathroom with garish make-up and wearing too much perfume he blushed nervously. The girlish garments felt smooth and unfamiliar to him. Though embarrassed initially, the feel of silk against his skin was pleasurable and the look of lust in Julian’s eyes when he presented himself to him made him crave his touch once again.
“Such a pretty girl.”
“What should I do?”
“Sit down. Dinner’s ready.”
The food was good, if unfamiliar. Lewis felt awkward and clumsy but he was gradually able to relax. When they had both finished, Julian cleared everything away and then sat down in an armchair.
“Now come over here and show me what kind of girl you are.”
Lewis knelt down before Julian and looked up at his smiling face as he retrieved his swelling cock from the confines of his trousers and massaged it. Julian run his hand back through Lewis’ hair and pressed him closer, guiding his cock into his mouth.
Julian started moving slowly, slipping his cock back and forth between Lewis’ lips. Lewis had neither given nor received a blowjob before but he had seen footage of plenty of them so he had a fair idea what he should do. Julian’s hands on the back of his head kept Lewis close. Part of him wanted to be able to draw back and catch his breath but Julian wasn’t giving him the chance. He pumped harder into Lewis’ mouth, driving his cock deep.
The jerks of Julian’s cock in Lewis’ mouth choked him and the jets of cum that followed were almost more than he could handle. He tried to cough but Julian wouldn’t let go of him. He desperately tried to suck air in through his nose without inhaling the cum in his mouth.
Dribbles from the corners of his mouth mingled with his inexpertly applied lipstick and left smears all over Julian’s cock.
The taste of cum was unfamiliar but not unpleasant. He did his best to catch it all. Julian dabbed at a smear of cum on Lewis’ lipstick with a fingertip and slumped back into his chair breathing heavily. His ejaculation seemed to leave him drained and empty.
Lewis coughed a couple of times as he walked out of the room. He went to the bathroom, gargled and spat into the sink. He caught sight of himself in the mirror. His eyes and nose were running, his make-up was smeared and he had cum around his mouth. He took a few minutes to clean himself up. He was reluctant to remove it completely, so he had a bit of a wash and touched things up as best he could.
When he had finished he found that Julian was still sat in the same chair but he had poured himself a large whiskey.
“That was fun.”
“I’m glad you liked it.”
Julian poured out a whiskey for Lewis. He sipped at it but it really wasn’t what he was in the mood for so he didn’t try to finish it.
“How did you little cock feel about it?”
Lewis blushed and mumbled something.
“Do you like the feel of women’s clothes?”
“I do.”
“It suits you. Why don’t you turn around and lift your skirt and let me see what your arse looks like in them?“ Lewis turned around and raised the short skirt high enough to show Julian. “Who could resist that arse? Now turn back to face me.“ Julian could see a damp patch on the front of Lewis’ panties and a bulge straining their fabric. “What is it hoping will happen?”
“That you’ll fuck me again… like last time.”
“Say please.”
“Please.”
“Please what?”
“Please fuck me again, like you did last time.”
“How could I refuse such a pretty girl? There’s nothing gay about this, is there?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a girl.”
In that moment, she was. She bent over and offered herself to Julian. How could he refuse?
Whether Lewis was a girl or not doesn’t matter. But it shows just how much people can be willing to change to become what they think their lovers want. Something that can have the direst of consequence. A person can hardly be blamed for trying to change who they are for the person that they are in love with. We see a reflection of ourselves when we are in love and it can make us want to strive harder to fulfil that perception when we see where our reality falls short of the imagined ideal.
Nine: When Hannah wanted what Jen couldn't give her
Hannah and Jen had two years. Two wonderful years when they were close and it seemed perfect. It seemed to do both of them good. Hannah was growing into a woman, distinct enough from the scared and awkward girl that she had been as to barely recognise herself.
One day Hannah broached a subject that had been on her mind for a long time but she had been unable to find the courage to mention. She brought it up when they were lying in a post-coital daze.
“I’ve never…”
“What is it?”
“I’ve only ever had sex with you.”
“I know. It’s nothing to be sorry about.”
“I
t’s not that. It’s just I don’t know if that’s who I am. Y’know, a girl with a girl and nobody else. Never being with anyone else.”
“You want other people too?”
“Not people... I think I’d like to have sex with a man.”
“Why?”
“I want to find out what a real cock feels like. Is it different to the way that yours feels?”
Jen’s strap-on was the closest thing to a cock that Hannah had ever felt.
“Cocks are fine. It’s the guy that’s the problem. That’s why my cock is better.”
“I love your cock Jen and I love what you do to me with it, but I want to feel what a real one is like.” Hannah reached over and lovingly stroked Jen’s synthetic phallus. She did, too. She had gained a great deal of pleasure from it. “Maybe you’re right and I’ll try it once and know I prefer yours. I have to try though.”
Though a little hurt by what she interpreted as Hannah telling her that she wasn’t enough for her, Jen could see the logic. You had to at least try men to realise why they weren’t worth the effort.
“Okay. But I’ll be there.”
Jen had found herself in a position with Hannah that she had never allowed herself to be in with anyone before. She cared about her very much. It seemed like a long time since she had fucked someone else. She couldn’t pretend that she expected to only be with Hannah for ever, but it didn’t make it any easier for her to think about Hannah being with someone else, especially a guy.
Jen arranged it all. She tracked down the guy before last that she had slept with. The most recent one had been an arsehole and she wanted nothing more to do with him. It had been quite a while since Jen had fucked Chris but he still remembered her. Chris found Jen sexy but rather too intimidating for him to be able to relax around her. When they had first met Chris had been out drinking with his friends and he had found himself chatting with her. He knew her very slightly and was aware of her reputation. She had pretty much told him that she was taking him back to hers for a session.
“Horny?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “Me too. Want to do something about it?”
“Like what?”
“Go back to mine and fuck for a while. Up for it?”