by Ed Bemand
As he was sat in his classes dressed in the casual and ill-fitting boyish garments that were his norm it stirred him to feel that underneath it his loins were encased in feminine silks. That afternoon he had an English class.
As Julian caught his eye and smiled he knew that it had a similar effect on him.
Julian asked him to linger after the class, claiming some issue with Lewis’ most recent homework. Scarcely had the door been closed behind the last of his classmates before Julian’s hands were plucking at the waistband of Lewis’ trousers, seeking to confirm the thoughts that had excited him so during the lesson.
His suspicions confirmed he quickly reacted to them, pulling Lewis’ trousers down out of the way so that only the silk panties stood between him and his goal. He pushed them aside and bent him over the desk, fucking him again. Such was Lewis’ excitement at the sensation he didn’t even need to be touched this time. The feel of Julian inside him was enough that he emptied himself into his panties. The experience left him feeling uncomfortably sticky for the rest of the day but he didn’t mind. It helped to make him feel owned, like Julian had claimed him and was now turning him into something special.
For the next few weeks Lewis settled into his new habits of wearing feminine undergarments and spending at least one night a week at Julian’s house servicing his desires. It wasn’t even a question anymore, when he was with Julian he assumed a feminine posture. Lewis just wished he could spend more time like that. In their moments together Lewis felt better than he could ever remember feeling.
They had a few snatched moments together in college, in empty classrooms or Julian’s office. Julian didn’t even try to be romantic. He made it clear what he wanted and then he did it. If Julian wanted Lewis to suck his cock or bend over and let him fuck him in the arse, who was he to say no?
The next time Julian invited him over Lewis wore his smartest jeans and a new shirt, with his favourite red pair of the panties beneath.
Julian greeted him warmly. He was wearing a suit and had a masculine elegance that excited Lewis more than he could express. Lewis wanted to offer himself to Julian immediately, but Julian had insisted that they wait ’til later, then handed him the present that he had bought him to wear for the night. Lewis felt tingles of nervous excitement as he unwrapped the gift. It was a sleek and beautiful dress of dark red silk. The fabric felt wonderful beneath his fingers. Julian guided him towards the bathroom and told him to get ready.
He was more experienced now in adopting his feminine appearance. Practise had refined his skill in applying cosmetics and he now habitually waxed the hair from his body and ruthlessly removed all strays with tweezers.
He also plucked his eyebrows as much as he could without drawing too much attention. He had let his hair grow longer and was increasingly loath to use masculine fragrances. As slender as he was his chest was inadequate of sufficiently filling a feminine persona so he used padding to complete his curves. The smaller endowments he chose to give himself suited his physique better than if her had chosen something larger.
His feminine appearance did not suit the inevitable small bulge that his arousal at his garb provoked in his loins so he took a moment to calm down and tucked himself back between his legs. The tight-fabric constrained him and made full arousal impossible but the persistent contact of silk rubbing his cock made him ooze throughout the evening.
At first Lewis assumed that the dress was merely to be a toy for them to enjoy in private, but Julian explained to him that tonight was to be a special night for him, it would be Lewis’ first time in public as a girl. He had made a reservation for them both in a local restaurant. Lewis had heard of it but never been there before. Most of his experience of eating out had been at the pub, with a local curry house for special occasions.
“Now, you understand that I can’t call you Lewis all evening. That would ruin the charade, wouldn’t it? You’ll need a new name... a girl’s name. How about Louise?”
It didn’t sound right, just feminising his normal name.
“How about Jessica?”
“Lovely. Thinking of someone special?”
“No... it just feels right.”
And so, he became Jessica for the evening.
Julian led Jessica to the waiting taxi. He opened the door for her chivalrously. She got in as gracefully as she could. Jessica was quiet in the taxi, convinced that the taxi-driver had been staring at her throughout the drive and was sure that he knew the secret. Of course, he suspected nothing and was purely thinking that Julian was doing awfully well for himself getting such a young and pretty companion for the evening. A cynical man, the driver assumed that Julian was paying for the privilege.
The dinner was wonderful. Though too nervous to be hungry, Jessica enjoyed the unfamiliar setting, the candles, the silver, the elegance of it all. Never having been here before made it easier, knowing how unlikely it was that anyone that knew Lewis would see him/her and recognise what was going on.
When Julian by chance noticed an acquaintance and greeted them she had panicked but Julian ignored him and introduced him as “his friend, Jessica”. His acquaintance, who Lewis realised was actually another lecturer from the college smiled wryly at Julian, but only because he assumed that Julian was playing a different game to the one he was.
It was in the taxi during the drive home that Julian guided Jessica’s hand inside his trousers. Though shy of being observed it gave Jessica honest pleasure knowing that the bulge there was a tribute to the success of assumed femininity.
She was relieved when they were back at Julian’s house and didn’t have to worry about what people might suspect.
They were barely inside before Julian had freed his cock from the confines of his clothes and advanced on Jessica, his hand running over his shaft. He slipped her dress up, exposing pale skin, slender thighs, then silken panties and the swelling secret they contained.
Bent over, offering pale round buttocks, Julian could have almost convinced himself that Lewis was truly Jessica, but for the bulge in the front of his panties that betrayed his true nature.
Julian lifted aside the line of Lewis’ panties as it bisected Lewis’ buttocks, making free his access to what he sought. He pressed the glistening head of his cock against Lewis’ opening.
His fingers skirted around Lewis’ crotch as he pushed inside him. Not since the first time they had made love had Julian sought out Lewis’ cock. Julian loved to have Lewis on his knees before him sucking his cock. He had never seemed inclined to return the favour. Not that it had occurred to Lewis to ask. Just like he hadn’t about being the one to give rather than receive.
As he grew more accustomed to perceiving himself as feminine the limitations that his own body imposed upon what he could be upset him.
Lewis found himself hating his cock even more now than he had before, but still it stiffened inside his panties as Julian fucked him. He cried as he orgasmed, the fact that the pleasures he tried to receive as a girl made his body react as a boy seemed to cheapen what he was doing.
When Julian had finished and withdrew he saw the tears in Lewis’ eyes and apologised, assuming that some clumsiness on his part had provoked the reaction, little realising that it was the cum now staining the front of Lewis’ panties that had been what had made him cry.
The girl he was trying to be didn’t have to hide a cock inside her panties, nor did she ooze semen when she was fucked. No longer did he feel ashamed at his perceived inadequacy as a man. Now he felt only shame that he was a man at all.
He wished that he had been born completely without it, that he could have been entirely the girl that Julian had made of him. By the end of the night Lewis found himself longing to leave himself behind forever and embrace the new self that Julian had helped him to create.
When he mentioned his thoughts to Julian the morning after, he seemed puzzled and wary of what was suggested.
It never even occurred to Lewis that he was just a toy for Julian, a game he
could play, an experiment in love to while away the time before he found another to occupy himself with. Within a few short weeks his gaze had fallen upon another.
Her name was Heather. She was a few years older than Lewis, but still younger than Julian. She had curly red hair and came from a rich family.
For a time Julian seemed keen to continue his affair with Lewis as a clandestine diversion but when he found his affections for Heather becoming more serious he told Lewis that it had to stop. Lewis told him how much he loved him, offered him anything, begged him, pleaded with him not to stop and abandon what they had. It didn’t matter. What he had wasn’t something Julian wanted any more.
Lewis felt enraged and he wanted revenge on her for ruining what he had created with Julian. His mind was filled with fantasies of waiting outside Julian’s house until she left, then following her and... and what? What was he going to do, kill her?
He knew that it wouldn’t bring Julian back to him. Julian had moved on from wanting to play the games that they had shared. He wanted a woman. Even if Lewis did kill Heather, how long would it be until Julian found another to take her place? Lewis was realistic enough to understand now that she wouldn’t be the kind of girl that had to carefully tuck herself into her panties to make sure she didn’t show a bulge that might give away her little secret to the world.
Clumsy and scared as he was, he was able to direct the knife with enough force into his body to remove what he saw as the obstacles to him being what Julian craved.
He offered himself to Julian on his doorstep, holding the bloodied remnants of flesh in his hand as his blood trickled down his thighs, blending with the crimson of the dress he was wearing in the dim hope of rekindling the spark of desire that Julian had shown towards him the first time he wore it.
Julian was disgusted by what Lewis had done. He called an ambulance but refused to accompany the maimed boy to the hospital. There was no way to undo the damage that Lewis had done to himself but he was in no real danger.
When the truth of what had happened came out, Julian was suspended by the college for his inappropriate involvement with a student and then grudgingly offered his voluntary redundancy to save further embarrassment.
Lewis was of age so Julian had broken no law in what he had done, but it could hardly be deemed acceptable professional behaviour to have such a relationship with one of his students.
Heather was not sympathetic to Julian’s explanations and wanted nothing more to do with him.
The doctors had been about to dispose of the shrivelled remnants of Lewis manhood but he had insisted they be kept, preserved in a jar of formaldehyde. When he was released from the hospital he sent them to Julian. Though shamed publicly by his part in the affair Julian kept them as a memento. In time he realised that they were a more poignant token of tragic love than any of the poems that he had spent his life showing to his students.
The savagery of what Lewis had done drove him further down the path to the complete abandonment of his earlier identity. The usual psychological testing before gender reassignment could begin seemed irrelevant in light of what Lewis had already proved willing to do to himself.
By the time of his twentieth birthday, Lewis was no more. Surgery and hormone treatments had completed the change that he had begun in anger with a knife and to the whole world he was Jessica, a slender, pretty young girl who found it hard to smile. The only hints as to the story of her past the remaining scar tissue around her newly formed loins, the marks left by the knife that had ended Lewis and forced Jessica to be born.
In time she learned to express the sadness that had surrounded her true birth as the person that she became for her adult life. She wrote stories and poems. Though she might have wished to not draw attention to her past, it was unavoidable that it was a subject of constant mention in her career. It became easier to accept its focus and use it. Poetry was not a profitable employment at the time, but Jessica was able to make her living. In many ways the sensationalist aspect of her life helped to gain her the attention that she might not otherwise have been able to, purely on her artistic merits.
Years later Jessica was performing a reading of her work in a small hall when she noticed a familiar man close to the back of the audience. The years had taken their toll on Julian. The beard that remained was coarser and white and covered much of his face. His skin was lined and his hair had receded almost entirely from the top of his head.
He applauded her enthusiastically and approached her when she was finished.
Jessica hated him for what he had done to her, but also knew that his love and cruelty had made her what she was. Over the years she had grown to love herself truly and she couldn’t dismiss Julian’s role in it all. She signed a copy of her book for him and walked away. She didn’t need him anymore.
She had plenty of willing lovers that accepted her as she was. And the doctors had done an excellent job at building her a pussy from the cock she had never really had much use for. Even so, Jessica still derived great pleasure from being fucked as she had been the first time, back when she was a boy.
Now though, when she came it was not as little furtive spurts into her underwear that caused embarrassment, she could happily succumb and let it consume her being. In losing part of himself she had found herself.
Fifteen: What Hannah's husband didn't mind but Hannah did
Hannah didn’t settle down again for many years. Her experiences with Jen had left her wanting more and the single frustrating pleasure that she had experienced with Chris inside her hadn’t satisfied her.
When she did settle down it was with a man. They were both in their early thirties, independently moderately successful and looking to a future together. They got married and children followed quickly.
She had learned enough from her dalliances to know what she wanted from a man and she was lucky enough to find it with Peter. He was a decent man and she loved him. He worked hard and did well for them. That she continued to work at all was more tribute to her desire for residual independence than it was a comment on his ability to provide for their family.
Their sex life had always been pretty good and she liked to think that she had had her time for casual debauches when she was younger and was ready for the commitment of married life. He was a capable enough lover and she had acquired her own toys over the years for when she preferred to take matters into her own hands. She often masturbated with a vibrator. Her toys were subtler than Jen’s cock had been, but they were no less effective. She liked them to accompany her on long baths.
All it took was the merest hint of a mention of the times that she had spent with her female lover to encourage her husband’s interest. She didn’t even really have to do anything about it. He just liked to hear her talking about her brief time as a lesbian. She wasn’t embarrassed about it and the years hadn’t made her lose her affection for the touch of other women.
Over the years the pleasure of monogamy dimmed and Hannah started to crave the touch of someone new she mentioned it to her husband and she was surprised how amenable he was to her finding a female lover. Apparently whereas her craving another man would have made him angry and jealous, that she wanted girls just made him horny. She knew his kinky obsession with lesbianism would come in handy.
She wasn’t looking for a replacement for him. She just needed something else as well, something that he couldn’t offer, even if he wanted to. It wasn’t his fault. How could he be expected to offer her the same pleasures that a pretty girl could?
She had changed since her time with Jen. Now, when she thought about being with a girl, she didn’t want somebody strong and lean like Jen had been. She craved somebody soft and pretty. Shy and innocent. She craved firm young breasts and a smooth body. Where once she had been the blushing and naive young girl that had wished herself to be picked up by an older and more assertive woman now it seemed that she was the predator, hunting for prey in the night.
She wasn’t looking for deep love and comm
itment. She already had that with Peter. She was looking for a pretty girl with a soft sweet pussy that she could taste. Someone she could have fun with. There wasn’t anything bad about that, was there?
It was easy finding someone suitable. She knew what she desired. A young, inexperienced girl. Someone who had the cravings but hadn’t figured out what to do about them. She wasn’t looking to take advantage of anyone. If anything she hoped to help them. To give them something special. Just like Jen had for her.
It was autumn, the time when the latest crop of students would be struggling to find their feet at the university in the city. She headed for a bar that was close to the campus. She had never been into it before but she knew that it was supposed to be popular with students. It was noisy and lively but it was a place that preferred to not play music, letting people have the chance to make conversation and still be heard. Laughter and casual intoxication set the ambience. It was greatly preferable to being forced to shout over the din of a club.
There were a lot of black and white photographs on the walls. Contextless images of long-forgotten sporting events and social occasions. The furniture was purposefully mismatched. The bar offered a plethora of brightly coloured sugary drinks. She ordered one at random and found a quiet corner to lurk in while she got her bearings and looked around.
The sickliness of her drink couldn’t conceal the rawness of its alcohol content. She downed a few quick swallows anyway, for courage. Hannah felt a little out of place but she couldn’t let it bother her. She was here for a reason after all.
It didn’t take long for her to see someone. A girl, standing alone. She didn’t look like she was waiting for anybody in particular, but there was an absence around her. Someone needed to talk to her. Who better than Hannah?
Hannah didn’t have to feel nervous. She had done this lots of times before. Just because it had been a while, that didn’t change anything.