“I’m going to miss you,” she said sadly, as his eyes met hers.
“It’s more complicated than that,” Simon said slowly.
“How’s that?” She could see something more in his eyes, but she didn’t know what it was.
“I didn’t want to tell you and ruin Christmas.” He swallowed before he spoke again. He could hardly get the words out. “Megan left her husband on Christmas Day. She finally did it.” Blaise nearly felt her heart stop at his words.
“What does that mean for us?” Blaise held her breath as she waited for his answer.
“I don’t know yet,” he said honestly. “I want to see her when I go back, and talk about it. I have to finish it cleanly and figure out what I’m doing.”
“I thought we knew what we were doing,” she said with a devastated expression. She had trusted him and given him her heart, and now he no longer sounded sure.
“I love you, Blaise. But I spent three years waiting for her to do this. She did it for me. I have a responsibility here, to her and her children.” He looked agonized as he said it, and Blaise as if he’d hit her.
“And she wants to have your baby, of course,” Blaise said with sudden irony in her voice. It was a tone he’d never heard her use, of defeat and bitterness. She could already see what was going to happen. He would go back to Meg, marry her, and have kids. She knew it was what she should have expected him to do at his age. But neither of them had believed that Meg would finally get free, after three years of empty promises. Her husband had finally crossed the line once too often, and her fear of losing Simon forever had given her the courage she’d never had before. “Do you love her?” Blaise asked him in a pained tone. She had expected better than this from him, or hoped for it at least. He had been so sure that he wanted a life with Blaise, no matter how unusual, and he had convinced her. But there was no fighting the fact that he still had feelings for Megan. He had waited three years for her, and she had been everything he wanted then. Now, torn between two women, he was confused.
“I just need to figure this out,” he said with a look of desperation. “I don’t want to lose you. I love you.” She could see that he meant it, but as he had said, it was complicated. She could see now that he didn’t want to lose Meg either. He wasn’t ready. He had waited so long for this, and she had finally left her husband.
“And what am I supposed to do here in the meantime?” He was going back to school, and now possibly to Megan. Blaise felt as though her life had just fallen apart. Her situation at the network was secure. And now her love life was disintegrating. Again. It had come apart in an instant.
“Give me the time I need to figure out what I’m going to do with my life, and end it cleanly with Meg, if it’s right for me to be with you. I need some time to sort this out.”
“I thought we already knew that it’s right for us,” she said unhappily. But now nothing was clear, and Simon looked confused. He had known about Megan leaving her husband since Christmas. And his confusion was the difference between being thirty-two and being forty-seven. Blaise knew what she wanted now, but he was torn. “What do I do with Salima, if you have to leave this weekend?” She had to deal with the practical aspects too now. She had no one to help her, and she was going to Lebanon for two days the following week. But the real problem was not Salima, it was them.
“Eric thought I’d be bringing her with me. I’ll talk to him about it tomorrow.” It was the least of their problems. Blaise couldn’t believe what had just happened. Not only was he leaving almost immediately, but Megan was suddenly front and center again. She was angry he hadn’t told her sooner.
She sat looking at him for a long moment and said nothing. There were tears bulging in her eyes, but she didn’t want him to see her crying. She refused to be pathetic. She was too proud to beg him to choose her, and she knew she couldn’t. He had to make the decision on his own and follow his heart, wherever it led him.
“Let me see if I understand this clearly,” she said, sounding like the woman he saw on television, not the woman he had come to love. “You want time to talk to Meg and figure out if you still love her, and who you want to spend your life with. Does that pretty much sum it up? And during that time, you’d like me to wait here, hoping that you pick me, with no idea of what you’re going to do.”
“I don’t know what else to do,” he said, looking acutely unhappy. He hated hurting her, but he didn’t want to make a mistake. He had to be sure he was making the right decision. “I never thought she’d leave him. I honestly thought it was over, Blaise. I swear. She rocked my world when she told me she left him. And she did it for me.”
“What if she’s lying to you again, or to him? Or what if she goes back to him after you lose me?” She was trying to be calm, but all she wanted to do was lie on the floor and scream. How could she have done this to herself again? She realized now that they had gotten involved prematurely. He wasn’t ready. And maybe he never would be. Or he’d wind up marrying Megan. She felt like a total loser.
“I don’t want to lose you,” he said clearly again. “I’m in love with you, Blaise.” But he had three years of history with Megan, a sense of responsibility to her, and the possibility of having a baby, none of which he had with Blaise. And their relationship was brand new.
“I think that’s the same thing Andrew said when I left him, that he loved me and didn’t want to lose me,” Blaise said coldly, and Simon could see clearly just how hurt she was, and he hated being the one to do it this time. “You can’t have it both ways, at least not for long. Go figure out what you want,” she said, and stood up, but she didn’t approach him. “And I’ve got some serious thinking to do in the meantime. Maybe fifteen years really does make a difference. You have a right to be with the woman you want, Simon. I was just hoping that woman was me. Apparently, that’s not the case.”
“I don’t know that. I don’t know anything right now. I’m confused. She threw me a curve here. She left him after I told her it was over.”
“She sounds like a prime manipulator to me.” That was one thing Blaise wasn’t, and he knew that. He didn’t blame her for being upset or even angry with him. But he couldn’t tell her something he didn’t know for sure. He knew he needed to see Meg again and clear the air before he could go any further with Blaise. It wasn’t finished with Megan.
“You talked to Andrew for four years after it was over,” he reminded her gently. “You still do. You said it was unfinished business. So is this for me. I need to see her, and either cut the cord completely or make it work. I don’t want to wonder about this in five or ten years. I need to know that this is where I want to be, with you. You lead a big life, Blaise. You’re a big person. You have a gigantic career. And if we’re together, we’re going to be in the press. You have Salima. I have to figure out if I’m big enough to take this on, and that I can bring enough to the table. And part of that is knowing if Meg is past history for me, or if there’s something left. I can’t come to you cleanly until I know where I stand with her.”
“That all makes sense,” Blaise said quietly, feeling as though her heart had turned to stone inside her. “I just don’t want to live through that. I’ve been there. It’s not a good situation for me.” And she thought it unlikely that he’d choose a woman fifteen years older instead of one his own age. She was fighting a losing battle, and she knew it. And she’d rather bow out gracefully than wait for him to reject her later. She didn’t feel like she could win against Megan. She was sixteen years younger, and willing to have kids. And he had loved her for three years.
“I’m sorry to do this to you. You don’t deserve it,” he said miserably.
“No, I don’t,” she agreed with him. “And neither do you. You deserve to be with a woman who really loves you. Just make sure she does, before you take on a woman who lied to everyone for three years and has three kids by someone else. That doesn’t sound like a good situation to me.”
“I’ve never been happier in my life
than I’ve been with you for the past three months. I wanted it to go on forever.” He looked heartbroken as he said it, and so did she.
“So did I. I was beginning to think it would. I thought we had it all figured out, but I guess we didn’t.” She had already resigned herself to the idea that he was going back to Meg. She was sure he would, and stay there. He had been loyal to Meg for three years before he left, to the point of obsession. How could she compete with that? And their relationship was healthy and sane, despite the age difference, not obsessed. And then she thought of something. “If you’re really leaving, and planning to work it out with Meg, don’t wait until the weekend. Have Eric send someone immediately. I don’t want to drag this out any longer than we have to. If you’re going to break my heart, and that appears to be the plan, make it quick. Don’t linger. It’ll just make it worse for both of us,” and particularly for her. He had someone else waiting for him, she didn’t. And knowing that Megan was back in his life was agony for her.
“Blaise, I told you I need time. I’m not telling you I’m going back to her for sure. I need to see her and be sure of what I want. If I didn’t do that, it wouldn’t be fair to you, or to me.”
“I understand. I’m just not as optimistic as you are. And to be honest, this is humiliating. I don’t want to stand around, while you figure it out, sample the merchandise, and decide who you love better. I have to compete every day at work and fight for my life. I don’t want to do that with you too. If you’re unclear enough to want to check it out with her again, I doubt very much that you’ll be coming back to me. And you probably shouldn’t. She can offer you a much more normal situation, with a house full of kids, hers and your own. That’s pretty hard to resist, particularly at your age. All I can offer you is my very grown-up life and Salima.”
“I love you both, you and Salima.” He looked honest as he said it.
“I’m grateful for everything you did for us for the past three months. It was amazing, particularly for Salima, and for me too,” she said sadly. She had never been as happy in her life. And now she had to pay the piper. She had been a fool to think their ages didn’t make a difference, and she knew it. They did. She was trying to be reasonable, but she was hurt and angry, and sounded bitter.
“I’ll call Eric in the morning,” he said quietly, and stood up to go back to his room. He wanted to spend the night with her, now more than ever, but he sensed that she wouldn’t let him. She didn’t say another word to him and walked back to her suite. And when she got there, she lay on the bed and sobbed. Her worst fears had just come true.
Chapter 13
The two days after Eric’s call telling Simon the school was reopening were a blur for both Simon and Blaise. He continued keeping Salima busy, they were on a museum binge, and had been to three in the past week, while Simon explained both the visual and historical aspects of the shows to her. Salima loved it. And he had taken her to the LightHouse for the Blind too, and two concerts in the evening. But his mind was somewhere else. Several times Salima had to press him to get an answer to a question. His mind kept drifting as he thought of the situation he was in.
“Is something wrong?” she asked him finally as they left the Whitney. He hadn’t told her yet that he was leaving for Caldwell that Sunday, or sooner if Eric sent his replacement. Blaise wanted to break the news to Salima herself. She knew how much Salima would miss him. Her life, under Simon’s care, had been totally transformed. She had grown up in a mere three months. He had worked magic. And with Blaise as well. He made everything better, for each of them, and had brought both women out of their shell. When Blaise had talked to Simon about it, she told him he wasn’t an enabler but an enhancer. It was an apt description of him.
“Are you sick?” Salima put a hand on his forehead to check for fever, and he grinned. He had just hailed a taxi for them, but usually they took the bus or subway. They were going to Zabar’s to pick up food he needed for dinner. If nothing else, he thought he could feed them decently until he left. Blaise was no longer willing to let him do much more than that, except take care of Salima. Blaise had skipped dinner and gone straight to her room the night before, claiming she had a headache. But Simon knew better. Her heart was aching, not her head, and he felt guilty for it. He had been honest with her about how confused he was, after Megan finally came through after all this time, claiming she had done it for him. She made a major point of telling him she had left her husband for him, and he couldn’t abandon her now. He had to at least give her a chance. He felt he had no other choice. He wanted to be fair to both women, and himself, but inevitably, one of them was going to get hurt, or maybe they all would.
“I’m fine. I was just thinking about Caldwell,” he said, which was partially true, but he’d really been thinking about Megan. “I’m going to have to go back soon,” he tried to warn her, without letting the cat out of the bag, that he’d be leaving on Sunday. He thought Blaise was wrong not to tell her sooner. She wanted to find his replacement first, and then she would drop the bomb.
“I want you to stay here with us. Who cares about your contract?” Salima said, pouting.
“The board of trustees,” he said with a rueful grin as they got out at Zabar’s, the West Side delicatessen and delicacy shop he had discovered when he first got to New York. He went there often to buy the things they liked, and Salima liked going with him. She loved the hearty food smells of the shop. “Even if I decide not to renew my contract, I have to finish out the school year.” He already had applications to the two best schools for the blind in New York sitting on his desk, and planned to complete both before he left. He’d already sent one back to the Perkins School in Massachusetts. “You’ve got to finish what you start in life,” he said cryptically to Salima, as he selected two of Blaise’s favorite cheeses and asked for a thick slab of foie gras. But he didn’t think that foie gras was going to soothe Blaise’s aching heart, or his own. He hated to leave her, but he knew that if he turned his back on Megan now, he would always wonder what might have happened. He had waited for her to leave her husband for so long. Blaise was a much more exciting woman and a better person, but Megan was the kind of girl he’d always thought he’d wanted. And now she said she wanted a baby with him. Just one, since she already had three, but she was suggesting they get married as soon as her divorce came through, and get pregnant as soon as possible. He knew that the life he’d have with her would be completely different from the one he’d shared with Blaise. He loved his life with Blaise, but was still unsure what he could contribute to it, and felt inadequate and overwhelmed at times.
He had never expected someone like Blaise to come along. She was a star and such a huge success. What could he give her? That had haunted him since the beginning. She claimed that all she wanted from him was love, but he wanted to give her more, and he couldn’t. Materially, he had nothing to offer, no matter how fancy his mother’s family was. Some of that would be his one day, but for now he had nothing. He was an underpaid teacher, and their relationship was still so new. It was hard to commit his future to a woman he had known and loved for three months. With Megan, it had been three years, albeit disappointing ones. But now that she’d left her husband, it would be different. Or at least he hoped so, and they wouldn’t have to meet in cheap motels. But when he thought of Blaise and how much he loved her, he was totally confused. Each woman offered him a different life and world. His head was spinning.
“I think you’re sick,” Salima said as they wandered aimlessly through Zabar’s among the pungent smells, and Simon kept forgetting what he needed. He wanted truffle oil for Blaise’s favorite pizza, if she’d eat it. His cooking for her was an expression of his love too. And it seemed like the least he could do.
When they got back to the apartment, Blaise was home from work, in her office, working on her computer. She had come home early. For once all was peaceful at the network, now that Susie had left, but her personal life was a disaster. She glanced up as Simon walked into the ro
om and set a cup of French vanilla tea down on her desk. She smiled as she thanked him, but the atmosphere between them now was cool, and the look in Blaise’s eyes said “don’t come near me.” A door had already closed, and Blaise was trying hard to lock it and throw away the key. He hadn’t touched her since Eric’s call two days before, and didn’t dare approach her. Once wounded and chilly, Blaise was suddenly intimidating.
“Thank you,” she said formally, as he looked at her with sad eyes.
“I’m sorry, Blaise.” It was all he could think of to say, and he meant it.
“Me too. Don’t worry about it. You’ll feel better when you’re back in Massachusetts.” She didn’t add “with Megan,” but the words were written on her face.
“That’s not a sure thing,” he reminded her. She looked as though for her it was over, but for him it wasn’t. “I just need to answer some questions, and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.” The way he said it reminded her again of how young he was. At her age, she had been on a path for years, but he was still looking for the right one. It was a vast difference between them, and also was a reminder to her that sometimes love was not enough.
Simon knew he needed more, he needed a job that inspired him, a career he felt passionate about, and a woman to share it with him. He didn’t want to be Blaise’s boy toy or look like one. His own life had to have substance and meaning, before he could join her. With Megan, he would always be the pathfinder and leader. He knew she didn’t enjoy her work and wanted to stay home with the kids. With Blaise, she would always be the more successful one. In some ways, it didn’t bother him, but if he came back to her, he wanted to do so on solid ground, standing on his own two feet, if she even let him come back, which looking at her now, he strongly doubted. She had put as much distance between them as she could, living in the same apartment, since he had told her about Megan.
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