“And I’m so thrilled,” I injected, “that I’m going to throw them an engagement party.” Now where in the world did that come from. Me and my big mouth.
“You are?” both Jude and Tracey said together. And both sounding a little bit shocked.
“I am,” I answered with a ring of finality to it. After all it might be a good decision in the long run. This way none of the busybodies of our town will talk about poor Wynne, the jilted (in their eyes) bride.
“I am. Doesn’t that sound like a splendid idea? After all, I love parties, and I love to throw them. Why shouldn’t I do this? I want to, plus it will stop all the gossip about my supposedly broken heart if I do this.” I said. Okay, so maybe I am beginning to sound a bit desperate with my explanation, but there’s no way I’m going to be talked out of this now.
“Okay,” begins Tracey with a bit of hesitancy in her voice. “Okay, so you, Jude are getting married, and you, Wynne, are throwing an engagement party. All right. It sounds a bit … hmm, weird, but then you both were always a bit weird together, so who am I to argue. Congratulations by the way Jude.” Stacey stops as she begins to walk toward Jude in the kitchen.
“Now, it is girls’ night, Wynne’s famous brownies are done, and the smell is calling to me. I think it’s time you left, and we’ll all deal with,” and she waves her hands around, “whatever just happened here in the morning.”Tracey finished as she begins to scoot Jude out of my kitchen.
While Tracey is gently prodding Jude out of my house, I can’t move from my spot in the kitchen. I think I’m in shock. Did he really just tell me that he’s getting engaged? Did I really just say that I would throw him an engagement party? Is there any possibility that I could be dreaming right now?
I’m still standing in the same spot when Tracey comes back into the kitchen. I lift my head to look her in the eyes. I tear up again, and as she gently enfolds me in her arms, I bawl like a little blubbering baby.
After a few minutes, I compose myself and lift my head. With a smile on my face, I offer the following suggestion.
“Lets eat the brownies, have our drink and enjoy our chick night shall we?”
*****
We made a pact with one another. We’d enjoy our movie and snacks before we got into any of the heavy conversations we both knew would follow. As if we could just not talk about what happened, or the reason why she was not only in the store this morning for a time out, but in addition, here at my house tonight for the same reason.
After refills of our special Pina Colada drink, another plate of brownies and our sanity being satisfied with our chick flick, we both took up opposite sides of the couch and settled in for some interesting girly talk. Up for discussion at this moment was the scene earlier in my kitchen.
“I still say we should have a coin toss for who goes first,” I began. I’m not sure I really want to delve into the why’s of my reactions just yet. I’d rather sink my teeth into what was going on inside Tracey at the moment.
“Don’t think I’m going to let you get away with not talking about Jude. Wynne Taylor, I think what happened tonight is a bit more important than the problems I’m having in my marriage. Those will always be there, so it’s not all that important,” Tracey began to admonish me. I knew deep down that she needed to talk, but maybe she’s not ready yet.
“All right, I’ll be the self-sacrificing friend, and allow you to dissect me and my reactions. For now though. Don’t think you’re getting out of this any time soon missy.” I replied wiggling my finger in front of her face.
“Should I lay down here while you analyze me?” I stuck my tongue out at her.
“Don’t be saucy, or I might just eat up the rest of the brownies. What in all of God’s green earth possessed you to agree to hold his engagement party? ” A tone of incredibility filled her voice.
“He didn’t ask me. I volunteered. And as to why … I’m not sure exactly, but the more I think about the idea, the more I like it. Come on … think about it Tracey. If I do this for them, then no one will be able to look at me with pity in their eyes, or think that I’m just trying to put on a good face rather than show everyone how broken they think my heart truly is. Isn’t that perfect or what?” I explained to her.
“Or what. You need to think about this. You almost married that man. I was there, I saw it all. You were wearing your wedding dress, the music was playing and you were ready to walk down that aisle and become Mrs. Jude Montgomery. Then all of a sudden, poof, there is Jude at the door demanding to speak with you, and he orders all of your good friends including your bewildered parents out of the room so the two of you can talk. Next thing we know, we’re being told the wedding is off, Jude has split for who knows where and you are left sitting on the floor in a puddle of tears.”
Why did she have to mention that? Why bring up the past when all it does it hurt people?
“You expect everyone to be happy and accept it that you are throwing him an engagement party. That’s not going to fly. Everyone is going to think you’re just being the good old Christian martyr that you are and while you have a good face on, you’re crying inside. Come on now girl.” Tracey said.
I tried to look anywhere but her. Okay, okay, so what she had to say did make some sense.
“Oh, all right” I sighed. “But you are one of the few people who actually knows what transpired that day. So you should know that I don’t have any feelings for him anymore.”
“Do I need to call up Heather and get her to come over and talk some sense into you?” Tracey asked. Heather was the only other person who knew the details of that day as well.
“No, you don’t need to throw threats around. Jude came into that room to tell me that he couldn’t settle for being second best. He finally admitted to himself that my heart still belonged to another. I would have walked down that aisle if he didn’t come to the room, you know that Tracey. I think he just finally realized what I could never tell him. I loved him, but not enough. I tried Tracey, I really did. I tried to let go of my first love; I was determined to be happy with Jude. But I had to be honest when he asked me. That was the hardest thing I had ever done … to be completely honest with him. He wanted my whole heart. Since I couldn’t give it to him, I ended up breaking his heart.
“Whatever happened to the happy ever after? I know in my heart that I did the right thing. But I gave up my dreams and desires. So when is it my time Tracey?” I feel big fat tears roll down my face. “When will God fulfill my one desire? Or haven’t I been punished enough for letting the one guy that was meant for me walk away when I was young and foolish?
“What, am I not good enough for God yet? Or does He have some big purpose for me living the single life? Cause if He does, then I wish He would help me to get rid of the dream I have in my heart. Otherwise, it’s not fair” I cried out.
This was the first time I verbally voiced my feelings to someone other than the walls of this room about this.
Deep in my heart I feel not only hurt but also betrayed by God. This isn’t something that I am willing to confess on a regular basis. As a Christian, who can honestly say that God has betrayed them? That just isn’t right. And I know deep down it isn’t true. “My ways are not your ways, nor are my thoughts your thoughts,” the Bible says. I was in love once. I never really fell out of it. I was just too immature to realize what I had. I thought that marriage meant having to sacrifice too much. I was only twenty-three; I believed I had all the time in the world. Plus I thought that if it was real, the love that we shared, then it would always be there. So I tried to test that theory. I was wrong. He walked away, and I let him go.
A few years later I met Jude. He swept me off my feet and made me laugh. He accepted me for who I was and gave me the courage to dare to dream. We dated for a few years before Jude confessed his love to me and asked me to marry him. I thought I had learnt my lesson from last time, and I was determined not to let this dream pass away from me again. Even though there was always something be
tween us, a part of me that I could never give him, he was willing to take me as I was. We had talks about settling for second best – but Jude was adamant that he was willing to take whatever I had to give him. So we planned our wedding. Jude is such a romantic that he wanted to be involved in every minute decision. This wedding was as much created by him as it was by me.
The night before our wedding, Jude came over to my apartment. He found me sobbing into my pillow. That was such a heart breaking night for us. I felt that I was giving up a dream I always kept hidden deep in my heart. I was marrying Jude out of fear – fear that if I didn’t marry him, I would never find love again. Fear that I would lose everything. Jude was so gentle with me, so caring and loving. But I guess it finally dawned on him that what we had wasn’t enough. There was more out there, and we were missing it. When he ended up walking into the chamber in the church where I was waiting, I knew that it was over. He had a desperate glean in his eyes. All he asked of me was to be honest with him. He asked me one question. I think he already knew the answer to that question though, even before he asked it of me.
“Will you ever be able to give me your whole heart?”
That had to have been the hardest question I have ever had to answer. I couldn’t lie to him, he deserved more than that. But I knew my answer would break his heart.
“I really don’t know.”
I owed him honesty, but I prayed it would be enough. I was desperate to give him my whole heart. But there was a deep part of me that knew; I just knew that I would never ever be able to say yes.
With a sigh of resignation, Jude slowly walked towards me. He reached for both of my hands and pulled me into a hug. There was a note of finality in that embrace. With a kiss on the top of my head, and a touch of caress on my face, Jude whispered the words I will never forget.
“I can never be second best. I love you. But not enough to settle for only half your heart.”
With that, he let go of me and turned around and walked out. He left by the back door, and in the background I could hear his car start up and drive away.
I stood there in stunned silence. I could feel the tears escaping from my eyes. I could hear a sob being torn from my throat. And then I collapsed.
That is how I was found. Heather and Tracey came around me and hugged me. My father walked in, took one look at me and then after a glance out the window he left the room. My mother walked in and started to cry, demanding to know what had happened. Heather and Tracey gently escorted me out of the room, through the very door that Jude had left through and into the van that had brought me to the church. I later found out that it was my dad who announced that there would be no wedding. Both my parents and Jude’s parents arranged to have all the catered food be given to the local woman’s shelter and to the youth drop in center. Everyone wanted to know what had happened. They started to blame Jude for walking out on me and breaking my heart. After days of walking in a daze, I felt strong enough to confess to Heather and Tracey what had really occurred. One week after that fateful day, Jude called me to see if I was okay. He apologized for leaving me to clear up all the mess. We both agreed that it would be best not to say anything to anyone, other than that it was a mutual decision on both parts not to get married. I doubt very much that was enough to stop all the gossip and speculation, but at that point I really didn’t care.
I haven’t seen him in three years, not since that day that he walked out of the church. I’ve wondered deep down what would happen if he ever did come back. I guess now I know. It’s not that I still love him, or that I want him back. I think what is hitting me the most is that once again my dream doesn’t become true, while someone else’s does.
“I don’t know Wynne,” replied Tracey as she just let me cry and bear my heart. “Scripture tells us that God grants us the desires of our heart. I don’t want to spiritualize what you are feeling hun, but when was the last time you really surrendered your desires to God’s will?” Tracey said.
“Surrender? How many times do I need to surrender Tracey? Sometimes it feels like that is all I do. When am I allowed to say enough is enough, and ask when is it my turn for some happiness? I’m the only single one left of our group. Do you know what it’s like to go to bed lonely every night? To not have that special someone there to talk to? Marriage and children are my hearts desire. How can that not be God’s will?” I asked. Deep in my heart, I already know the answers. But it’s nice to vocalize my feelings for once.
“Marriage is a lot of hard work. You want to make sure you’re married to someone who can go through those hard times with you,” replied Tracey with a bit of a far off look in her eyes.
“Wynne, I know you are a strong person. Instead of settling for second best, you waited. Sometimes I wish … well, lets just say not everyone has the strength to do that. When Mr. Right does come along, you’ll be able to offer so much more into your marriage Wynne, then if you had just jumped the boat and married the first guy who came along. Sometimes I envy you. You have been able to do things with your life that I can’t do because I have a family now. You quite your boring, routine job, you took a huge step by opening your own store and it’s a success. You bought this home and made it into your dream home.” Tracey stood and paced across the room.
“You are able to focus your love and attention on your walk with God, and not worry about a lot of little distractions. Don’t beat yourself up because you’re still single. Enjoy it while you can.” Tracey said. She sank back down into the chair. A dejected look filled her face.
“Sometimes I wish I were still single.”
Those little words just about broke my heart. I leaned over and gathered her in my arms. It was my turn now to give her the shoulder she needs and let her cry.
“You don’t regret marrying Mike, do you?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer.
She leaned back and took a deep breath. “Sometimes.” Tracey whispered. “Is that so horrible of me?”
How do I answer this? Part of me is shouting - Yes, of course it’s horrible of you. Don’t you realize the gift you have? But instead I keep quiet and just give her a small smile.
“I knew something has been wrong, but I didn’t realize it was this bad. Tracey, I’m so sorry. Are you guys just hitting a bump in the road maybe?” Who am I to really talk though, right?
“A bump? More like a series of bumps. They just keep getting bigger and bigger. I know there has to be an end in sight, but I don’t see a promising one anytime soon. The only end I see leads to a lot of hurt and pain.”
“Oh, Tracey.” I replied. “I’m so sorry. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this? Are you guys going to be okay?” I asked. I honestly don’t know what to say to her. I don’t want to imagine that things are as bad as she is making it sound, but yet I don’t want to trivialize her feelings either.
“Right now Wynne, I honestly can’t say. We’ll get through. We always do.” Tracey answered with a shake of her head.
“Now enough about me. It’s late and I do need to get home. But … I am going to find time to get away tomorrow, and I’ll drag Heather with me. We’ll come for coffee t and we’ll brainstorm about this party you are so determined to throw. I still don’t know why you offered to do this – but since you won’t back down, you’re going to need all the support you can get.”
I walked her to the front door and gave her a big hug. We both needed it. Walking to my bedroom, suddenly feeling rather lonely, I made a decision.
I’m going to get a cat.
Chapter 6
I got my cat, well, kitten.
To be honest, I am the proud owner of two kittens. I’m a sucker for punishment, but I couldn’t just take one and leave the other behind. After calling the local animal shelter this morning before I went into the store, I found out that they had just received two kittens earlier this month. Today was the first day that they were offering them for adoption. The animal shelter found these kitties tied up in a bag, and they desperately
needed some love and care. When I first saw them, my heart just broke. They looked so sad, lying beside each other. As I was watching, one kitten began to play with the other. I think they were trying to put on a show for me. After hearing how they were found, I just couldn’t leave one behind.
In the shelter they seemed too tame for their age. I was able to place them both in one carrier complete with a soft blanket for them to lie on. Since they seemed so well behaved I decided to take them into the store with me. I figured I could just leave them in the carrier in my office while I had to work out front. The worker at the shelter told me that with them being young and uncared for, I might find that all they do is sleep for the first day or so. Let me tell you – was she ever wrong.
When I walked into the store, Heather was waiting for me. It was her morning to open, which leaves me time to get any little running around that I need to do get done. When she saw the carrier she immediately came over and peered inside to see what I had.
“Kittens. Oh, aren’t they adorable. You never told me you were getting kittens. Awww, look at them. Oh can I hold them? Pretty please?” Heather bent down and opened the carrier door.
“Isn’t she just the sweetest thing? Oh, look at her cute little tongue, tiny little nose, and she’s so soft. What’s your name sweetie pie? Hmmm, little cupcake, what does ole Wynnie here call you?” Heather cooed at the kitten she was holding in her arms. I placed the carrier down and gathered the other kitten into my arms. I decided to let the ‘ole Wynnie’ comment pass for now.
“I think I’ll call this one Jewel, and the one you have … Hmmm, I’m not sure yet.” I said to her as I was stroking the fur on this kitten. She was an amazing color. Furry with black and gold color tone all through out the fur. Right around her collar she had a ring of almost gold coloring … reminding me of a necklace. I think Jewel will fit her perfectly.
“Cocoa. You should name her Cocoa. Look at her coloring … almost like a chocolate brown, the color of frosting on a cake. So soft and sweet.” She holds the kitten up to her cheek and rubs the fur across her face.
Chocolate Reality Page 5