by Denise Vega
During a basketball game, r the following situations considered flirting?
He punches u almost every time u check the ball.
He holds yr gaze longer than feels normal 4 just friends.
He teases u abt yr strong-arm jump shot w/ a look he’s never used b4.
When u give him a high 5, he holds yr hand a few secs b4 letting go.
I have no idea what 2 do w/ this info—darn that Harry & Sally.
CHAPTER 29
HOLLOW-WEENIES
“THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY life when even my parents are going to a fun costume party and I’m not,” I said to Rosie as I put the first Twilight Zone DVD into the player. Jilly was going to some big Halloween party with her family and Bus Boy would be there too. Mark was going to a party with a girl from C Track and Tyler and Carla were going to the same one.
“I don’t want anyone else over besides Rosie,” my mom had said before they left. “No boys. No other girls. No one else. I mean it.”
“I know,” I had said. “You’ve said it a zillion times.” What did she think I was going to do, throw a big party like Chris had? Hardly. He’d ruined it for me by getting reported on by the nosy neighbors. I knew they were all on high alert, probably with binoculars trained on the house whenever my parents were gone.
Rosie set the popcorn and Coke on the coffee table. “You could have gone to lots of parties, Erin,” she said. “You didn’t want to.”
“I didn’t want to hear my mom say no one more time,” I said. “Besides, even if I could have gone, I didn’t want to risk seeing Blake or Kara or someone else who might hate me.”
“They don’t hate you,” Rosie said. “They’re just feeling dissed. They’ll get over it.”
“You keep saying that,” I said, pressing Play before flopping down on the couch next to her, “but so far they aren’t.”
“Well, there isn’t a lot you can do about it so why keep stressing?”
I groaned. “You sound like Mr. F.”
Rosie smiled. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
The phone rang. Mark.
“Aren’t you at the party?” I asked.
“It kind of blows so far,” Mark said. “What are you and Rosie doing?”
“Watching Twilight Zone and eating popcorn.”
“Sounds like more fun than I’m having.” He sounded wistful.
“I wish I could invite you over but you know the rule about having evil boys over when my parents aren’t home.”
Mark laughed. “Yeah, I know. I could sneak in the back, though. They’d never know.”
He was probably right. So why wasn’t I telling him to come on over?
“What about the girl you went with?”
“She’s off with her friends. Hasn’t talked to me all night.”
“Ouch.”
“Not really,” Mark said. “I mean, she’s nice and all but it’s not like we’re going out or anything.”
There was silence on the phone between us.
“So, I’ll come in through the back.”
I groaned silently. “How will you get here?”
“I’ll find a way.”
I glanced at Rosie. She was giving me the eye: Just tell him.
I shoved the phone at her and scooted over on the couch.
She shoved it back. “Don’t even think about handing off your dirty work,” she whispered, covering the mouthpiece of the phone with her hand.
“But I don’t know what to say,” I protested.
“If you don’t want him here, you need to tell him.”
“I can’t tell him I don’t want him here,” I whispered, hoping Mark couldn’t hear me. “That’s mean.”
“You know what I mean.”
I bit my lip.
Rosie put her hands under her armpits and flapped. “Bawk, bawk.”
I scowled at her.
“Fine,” I said, snatching up the phone. “Are you there? Sorry. I dropped the phone.” I took a deep breath. “I’d really like you to come over but I don’t want to blow it with my parents. I’d like to be able to go to the next concert everyone goes to and stuff. You know?”
Silence.
“Yeah,” Mark said finally. “You’re right.”
After I’d hung up, Rosie shook her head. “You make things too complicated, Erin.”
“Let’s just watch the show.”
But we had barely gotten past Rod Serling’s doom and gloom introduction when the doorbell rang. I pressed Pause and jumped up.
“We’ll get it,” I shouted up to Chris, who was probably trying to wrangle his wild hair. I picked up the bowl of candy from the table in the foyer while Rosie opened the door.
“Do a trick or be my treat.”
Jeff Massey was leaning against the brick wall, arms crossed.
“What exactly would that involve?” Rosie asked.
Jeff smiled his easy smile. “I can’t reveal that unless you agree.”
We laughed.
“Want some candy, little boy?” I asked, holding out the bowl of treats.
“Hmm,” Jeff said, wiggling his fingers above the bowl before plucking a Snickers from beneath several Pops. “Thanks.”
“Massey.” Chris appeared next to us in the doorway.
“Christopher. Ready to roll?”
“Where are you guys going?” Rosie asked as Chris stepped past us onto the porch.
“Some party Chris knows about.” Jeff cocked his head. “What about you two?”
“We’re hanging out,” Rosie said.
“Yeah,” I said. “No parties here. My mom has already called twice to make sure we’re”—I made quotation marks in the air with my fingers—“ ‘okay.’ Besides,” I said, “Chris was already caught twice, ruining any chance I might have. The neighbors are all spies now, thanks to him.”
Jeff laughed. “I’ve got an older sister and she did the same thing to me.” He looked over his shoulder across the street. “Should we give them something worth spying on?”
“Nah,” Chris said. “Let’s get out of here. Bethany will wonder where we are.”
“You’ll have your chance at a party,” Jeff said to me, nudging my arm.
I could still feel the nudge after we closed the door and headed back to the family room.
“Wow,” Rosie said as we plopped back down on the couch. “He is one hot tamale.”
“I know,” I sighed. “What am I going to do?”
“Whatever you can,” Rosie said, grinning at me before turning up the volume on the TV.
Wednesday, November 19
I can’t believe it’s been so long since I wrote in my blog—since b4 Halloween! 2 much going on, I guess.
HOT——METER
#1 Jeff Massey
#2 Jeff Massey
#3 Jeff Massey
#4 Jeff Massey
#5 Jeff Massey
#6 Jeff Massey
#7 Jeff Massey
#8 Jeff Massey
#9 Jeff Massey
#10 Jeff Massey
HALLOWEEN HIGHLIGHTS
Rosie & I ended up having a lot of fun. We called the guy Rosie likes & he made us laugh.
When we called Mark @ his party, he was suddenly “2 busy” 2 talk 2 us. We didn’t ask “busy w/ what.” Talked 2 Tyler, who seemed distracted 2. I think he likes some1!
Jilly called from her party 2 tell me she was having the best time, that Blake was there, acting like he was w/ a girl but she could tell he wasn’t & was just doing it so she would tell me & I would be jealous. Guess what? I’m not.
THANKSGIVING THRILLS
Loved sitting in the audience @ this year’s Thanksgiving play 2nite… no stupid corn cob costume, no singing in a chorus, no blog disaster like last year… cast was most of my friends: Jilly & Serena both had leads, Carla had graduated from the veggie chorus 2 be 1 of the daughters, & Steve played the dad. Kara was the narrator & spent most of her time staring @ Mark, who sat w/ us in the 2nd row.
/> THINGS THAT MAKE ME SMILE
Steve and Mark were totally flirting w/ Carla & Serena after the play.
This girl—ME—had not a twinge of jealousy. No doubt another sign of my growing maturity.
Jeff has been over 3 times since Halloween. Even w/ Chris giving me the evil eye, I managed 2 talk 2 him every time… abt music & school & how he used 2 go canoeing in NC.
I’d love 2 be in a canoe w/ him.
CHAPTER 30
DOWN IN THE DUMPS
THANKSGIVING PASSED WITHOUT TOO MUCH excitement. We went over to my grandparents’ house with some relatives for dinner, then watched college football where all the dads fell asleep in their chairs and Chris and my cousins and I decorated them with pieces of popcorn while they snored on.
The next week was crammed with studying for exams and I-Club stuff—we still had a lot to do before our February or March launch. Mark stopped me in the hall a few times but we didn’t talk long because I was always in a hurry and, if I was honest, because I didn’t want to give him a chance to ask me out or do anything weird. We were friends and I was insane over Jeff Massey and I wanted to keep it that way, nice and simple.
“You are one hard person to pin down,” Mark said the Wednesday before we officially got out for winter break. “What’s up?”
“Just crazy,” I said, not slowing my pace as I headed to my locker. “Studying, working on the website, you know.”
“Yeah, well let’s do something over the break,” he said, matching my pace.
“Sure,” I said. “Call me.”
“Why don’t you call me?”
I looked at him. “Okay,” I said. “I’ll call you.”
“You’d better,” he said, shoving me playfully before turning down another hall toward his class.
“Right,” I muttered, just as the bell rang.
“I think Jon is going to break up with me,” Jilly said the second we sat down on the bus that afternoon.
“Not again,” I said. “Jilly, you’ve got to stop doing this to yourself. Besides, even the stupidest boy wouldn’t break up right before Christmas and Bus Boy is not stupid.”
“So you think he’s going to break up with me after Christmas?” “Jilly!”
“Okay, I’m sorry. I’m just getting this weird vibe.”
“You’re just being paranoid,” I said. How many times were we going to have this conversation? “Just think how excited he’s going to be when you give him his present.” She had gotten him this cool speaker setup for his iPod. It must have cost her all of her savings.
“You’re right,” she said, sighing. “I know you’re right. Still—”
“Stop it, Jilly,” I said. “You’re going to marry him.”
Over the break, I saw Jilly almost every day and Mark, Rosie, and Tyler a couple of times at the Y. The day before Christmas Mark gave me a present—a necklace with a basketball on it.
“I didn’t know we were giving each other presents,” I said. “I didn’t get you anything.” I wasn’t sure how I felt. I mean, it was jewelry, which usually meant romance, but it had a basketball on it, which wasn’t very romantic. But the basketball was silver, which was.
So what did that mean?
“That’s okay,” he said. “This isn’t much. I just saw it and thought you might like it.” He looked at me closely. “It doesn’t mean anything, Erin. It’s just something I saw.”
I wasn’t sure if I was disappointed or relieved. “Okay. Thanks.” I put it on and he smiled.
“Looks good,” he said.
I felt guilty so I gave him a gift card to Sports Authority the day after Christmas. He thanked me but didn’t seem too excited about it.
“I thought you could pick out something you want,” I said.
“Sure,” he said. But I had a sinking feeling he was bummed because I hadn’t picked out something for him, like he’d picked out something for me, even though he said it was something he’d just seen and decided to get for me.
Can we just have an uncomplicated friendship, please?
Our first week back after the holiday, I was walking toward the lunch room when I spotted Mr. F cleaning the floor outside the boy’s bathroom. He straightened up slowly. His breath came faster, like he’d climbed a long flight of stairs.
“You okay, Mr. F?”
“Fine, fine,” Mr. F said, brushing away my question with a rag.
“But you seem—”
“Mr. Foslowski, there you are!” Puppet Porter rushed toward us. “There seems to have been a slight… incident in the science lab. I was just about to page you.”
“I’m on my way,” Mr. F said, reaching for his cart. His movements were slow and deliberate, like he was unsure if his body would do what he wanted it to do.
“See you later, Mr. F,” I called after him.
He waved his hand but didn’t look back and didn’t say anything.
It was the first time I could remember that we didn’t knock fists.
* * *
“So, my parents said I could bring a bunch of friends up on the ski train in February for my birthday,” Carla said, handing out invitations near her locker that afternoon. “Who’s in?”
How fun would that be, riding up on the train to Winter Park, going to the snack car, hanging out with everyone before and after a great day of skiing?
“Me,” I said, along with everyone else.
“Think your parents will let you?” Mark asked.
I scowled. Did he have to bring that up? “They’d better,” I said, “or I’m sneaking out.”
“Now you’re talking,” Tyler said, grinning. “We’ll help.”
When I got home after I-Club, Jilly was sitting in the living room, her face blotchy with tears.
“Jon broke up with me.”
“WHAT?” I dropped my duffel and ran to her.
She blew her nose into an already-damp tissue and took a breath. “I told you he’d been acting weird.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I really thought—”
“I know,” Jilly said, interrupting me. “And you were always right about me being paranoid before. But not this time.” She explained how he’d called and asked to come over.
“He told me he really liked me but felt it wasn’t fair to either of us to be with just one person. I asked him if he liked someone else and he said no but I don’t know if I believe him.”
“Well, he’s always been honest with you,” I said. “If there was someone else, I think he would tell you.”
Jilly looked at her hands. “I don’t know which would be worse. Having him break up with me for someone else or because I’m not enough.”
“I don’t think that’s it, Jilly,” I said. “He said he still likes you.”
“But not that way.” She shook her head. “How does that happen? One day he likes me and the next day he doesn’t? It doesn’t make any sense.”
How exactly does that happen? Blake’s voice echoed in my head.
“Sometimes feelings just–change. I’m so sorry, Jilly.”
She started crying and I ran to get her some more tissues, trying not to think about Blake and how he must have felt when I broke up with him, even though we didn’t go out very long.
Jilly blew her nose again and I squeezed her hand. We sat for a while in silence. Then she straightened up.
“We’d just made it to our one year anniversary. How could he?”
“The dog,” I agreed.
Jilly tried to smile but it was more like a grimace. “And he gave the present back. He said he didn’t feel right keeping it.” She shook her head. “I gave it to him. He should have kept it.” Blowing her nose again, she looked at me. “Why does he have to be so nice? I can’t hate him when he’s so nice.”
I didn’t know what to say to that so I just put my arm around her and squeezed. We sat for a few minutes, with Jilly’s head on my shoulder, listening to the clock tick above the mantle. When I looked up, my mom was standing quietly in th
e doorway, watching. I raised my eyebrows in question.
“I was just wondering,” she said quietly. “If anyone would be interested in a DQ Blizzard in spite of the cold weather.”
I looked at Jilly. She looked at me. “I’m in pain,” she said, “but I’m not dead.”
Tuesday, January 6
THINGS THAT STINK
Jilly got dumped. She’s never gotten dumped b4. It’s so weird that I dumped someone & she got dumped. It seems backward.
HOT——METER
#1 Jeff Massey
#2 Jeff Massey
#3 Jeff Massey
#4 Jeff Massey
#5 Jeff Massey
#6 Jeff Massey
#7 Jeff Massey
#8 Jeff Massey
#9 Jeff Massey
#10 Jeff Massey
THINGS I KNOW
I don’t ever want 2 feel the way Jilly is feeling right now.
I don’t ever want 2 make any1 else feel that way & I think I did.
THINGS THAT MAKE ME WONDER
How DO feelings just stop? Like mine 4 Blake or Bus Boy’s 4 Jilly? And how do they start? Like Mark’s 4 me and mine 4 JM. I know it would be better if I didn’t like JM cuz I have 0 chance but I can’t help it. I can’t stop thinking abt him or imagining us 2gether. I can’t stop hoping maybe we WILL get 2gether.
Why can’t we turn feelings off & on like a faucet? It sure would make life easier.
CHAPTER 31
ON THE NOSE
I HAD JUST FINISHED MY homework on Wednesday and was getting a snack when the front door banged open. I heard voices; Chris and—
Jeff Massey. Man of my dreams. Coming into my house the day after I’d written about him in my blog (okay, any day he came would probably be a day after I’d written about him in my blog but this felt especially meaningful).
I was having gymnastics heart again. I placed my hands on the fridge to steady myself. Easy, Erin. You can do this. I ran my fingers through my hair and rubbed my lips together. I hadn’t put on much makeup today and I’d changed into a really old pair of jeans because I’d started my period. But I couldn’t run up and change or he’d see me.