by Seton, Cora
“If you grabbed him first, Edgars would be dead. Austin, you are not God. You couldn’t save them both!”
His vision blurred and for one second he thought he might lose his iron grip on his emotions. Then he brought himself under control again. “Yes, I could. Edgars would have made it. His wounds weren’t as bad. I should have taken Donovan first—I should have taken them both!”
“You should have carried two grown men through a firefight to get help?”
If she got any louder they’d hear her up at the Hall, but Austin knew she was right. He couldn’t have done it. Still, he should have tried. “You don’t understand.”
“You’re right. I can try to imagine it, but I can’t understand. I’ve never lost anyone I love like that, and it is okay for you to mourn your friend. It’s okay for you to feel awful over what happened. It’s not okay to turn from life because of it.”
“What else can I do?” Talking about it was worse than he’d imagined. Like stripping off his skin. Raw. Painful.
“You can be a different kind of hero.” Ella climbed off of the bed and approached him. “The kind of hero who goes on even when he loses what he loves. The kind of hero who comes home and rebuilds a life for himself and his family. The kind of hero who honors the dead by staying alive.”
Austin shook his head. He couldn’t even be that kind of hero. He hadn’t even fulfilled the promise he made to Donovan—he still hadn’t gone to see his parents to relay the message his friend had entrusted to him. If he couldn’t do that, what good was he for anything? “I can’t.”
“You can’t what?” She was as angry as he was. More, maybe. And oh, so beautiful. Too beautiful to easily walk away from, but he had to walk away before anyone else got hurt.
“I can’t make this real. What we have together. I can’t have another child and abandon him, too. I can’t let another boy grow up wondering where his father is. What we’ve done—it ends tonight.”
Chapter 23
‡
The last twelve hours had been the worst of her life, so when Ella entered the Hall’s kitchen the next morning and found Camila, Maya and Stella seated at the table with Regan, she nearly turned around and walked right back out the door. Unfortunately, Milo raced ahead of her into the room and announced her presence before she could get away. She’d spent the morning painting yellow accents on the chicken house, but their bright tones had done nothing to cheer her up after last night’s bitter argument with Austin. She’d known she was falling in love with the man, but she didn’t know how hard she’d fallen until he yanked the rug out from underneath her and told her in no uncertain terms they had no future together. Austin’s final words had replayed in her mind all night. Her throat ached from holding back her tears and she’d had to admit to herself that despite her best efforts, she’d hoped Austin would come to love her.
Ella knew the women would want to talk about her upcoming wedding vow renewal, and she didn’t think she could bluff her way through it, but Camila said, “There you are! Come here—we pitched in and bought you a present.”
“Open it!” Maya said and pushed the large package into Ella’s arms.
“What is it?” She did her best to shake off the sorrow, but it was hard to maintain a façade of happiness when her whole heart was breaking. Regan smiled sympathetically and Ella looked away. She couldn’t take sympathy right now.
“Open it and see.” Stella smiled. “That’s the whole idea with presents.”
Ella set the package on the kitchen table and made short work of opening it. When she lifted the lid off the square box inside, she sucked in a breath. A pair of tooled leather cowboy boots lay nestled in tissue paper.
“They’re beautiful.”
“Try them on,” Maya urged.
She did so, doing her best to admire them. It wasn’t as hard as she might have thought. The boots were beautiful, so she could exclaim over them honestly. They weren’t flashy, but they were very well made, and they made her feel like she belonged here on the ranch. Too bad Austin had made it so clear last night that she didn’t.
At least they fit. She decided the boots were a sign—a message from the universe that she shouldn’t concede defeat yet. For the first time today, her spirits lifted a little. “Thank you so much! You shouldn’t have.”
“Of course we should have. No way a Californian could pick out proper boots,” Stella said loftily. “Let’s go for a ride. Mason told Noah you have plenty of horses and saddles now, and we brought a picnic.”
“That sounds like a great idea.” It would distract her from mulling over Austin’s dismissal, at least. “Regan? Are you coming too?”
“I wish. I don’t want to take a chance riding while I’m pregnant.”
The other women exchanged a look. “That’s okay,” Maya said quickly. “We’ll walk down to the creek instead of riding. That’s perfectly safe, right?”
“Of course. Thank you—I don’t want to spoil things for everyone else.”
They assured her she wasn’t spoiling anything, and a half-hour later they had reached the banks of Chance Creek at a place Regan called the local swimming hole. Milo seemed to think the expedition was a marvelous idea and kept busy crossing back and forth across the trail and sniffing all the interesting scents.
“Have you swum in the creek?” Ella asked Regan, glad for the distraction from her unhappy thoughts.
“Not yet. It was too cold earlier in the spring, and then we got too busy. We can wade after lunch if you like.”
“I guess we should have brought swimsuits.”
“Who needs swimsuits?” Camila said. The other women all laughed, but Ella noticed no one made a move to strip off and dive in.
Of course, there was a delicious lunch to eat first. Camila had outdone herself bringing food from her restaurant. She said she didn’t take much time off, so this was a real treat.
“It’s nice to ditch the menfolk sometimes.” Stella helped spread out a blanket and opened the picnic basket.
“I kind of like the menfolk.” Regan smiled dreamily as she sat down on the blanket and opened a bottle of juice.
“Not everyone has a husband as hot as Mason,” Camila said. “Or Austin,” she added with a glance toward Ella. Regan smiled at this compliment, and Ella tried to as well, but she knew she’d failed from the looks on the other women’s faces.
“Are you stressed out from planning your celebration?” Stella asked.
Ella nodded gratefully. “There are a lot of details.” The truth was, Regan was handling most of them. If the vow renewal was real, Ella would happily throw herself into planning every detail, but as it stood she could hardly stand to think of it. If only she could confide in her new friends—in anyone. But just like back in Hollywood, there was no one she could talk to. “It’s so peaceful here,” she said to change the subject.
“Enjoy it while it lasts. Pretty soon you’ll get your cattle and the work will never stop then. You’ll see.” Maya made a face.
“I guess so.” She wasn’t sure how much the arrival of the cattle would affect her. Now that she’d made it her business to handle the horses, she had a feeling the men would bear the brunt of the cattle operation.
Which was good, since she didn’t know the first thing about it. And wouldn’t be staying, anyhow.
“You two are so lucky,” Camila burst out.
If only she knew, Ella thought, but kept that sentiment to herself.
Regan smiled. “Are you looking for a husband?”
Camila shrugged expressively. “If the right man came along, I wouldn’t say no.”
The other women fell to speculating over which cowboy in town they could match Camila with. Ella kept quiet. She was sure the right cowboy had come along for her.
If only he felt the same way.
* * *
With Ella safely away from the bunkhouse, Austin grabbed a cup of coffee and went outside to clear his head. He was surprised to see Richard pedaling up the Hall�
�s driveway, then around the side of the Hall and across the yard toward him. Austin braced himself for another tongue-lashing, but all Richard said when he threw down his bike was, “Are you sure you didn’t know about me?”
“I had no idea.” He waited a beat. “Had any breakfast?”
“Some.” Richard picked at a mosquito bite on his leg.
“Come on in then. I’ll make you some more.”
At first he wasn’t sure Richard would follow him, but when he opened the door, the boy trailed inside. When they reached the kitchen, Richard stopped short.
“What happened?”
Austin glanced at the ruined floor. “The place needs some work.”
Richard nudged the ragged edge of the linoleum where Austin had left off the day before. “What’ll you put in its place?”
“I don’t know. What do you suggest?” Austin figured Richard would be gun-shy of a new authority figure in his life, as much as he might secretly want one. Here was an opportunity to show him he didn’t intend to simply boss him around.
“I like tile better than linoleum.”
Austin’s eyebrows shot up. “You know much about flooring?”
“I ought to. I work at Renfree’s Home Décor with Mom. Sometimes.” He looked down again.
“I thought your mom worked at Rafter’s.”
“That’s one of her jobs.”
Austin wondered how many Heather had.
“I’m not on the payroll at Renfree’s or anything. I just do labor when Mr. Renfree needs extra help.”
“That’s impressive.” Austin decided to let the subject of Heather’s employment drop and surveyed the room. “Twelve-by-twelve granite tile would look nice in here. Might be expensive, though.”
“I could get you a quote.” Richard seemed to remember he was still mad at Austin. “I mean, when I get around to it.”
“Sure, I’d appreciate that. You know anything about horses and cattle?”
Richard’s sullen expression disappeared. “I know how to ride, but I don’t know how to herd cattle. When are you going to get some? I saw the horses come.”
Austin smiled at Richard’s admission he’d been watching the place. “Pretty soon now that my brother Mason is home from his honeymoon.”
“You have three brothers, don’t you?” Richard looked envious. “I wish I had a brother.”
“Does it get lonely at home?”
Richard just nodded. Then an impish look crossed his face. “But now you’re back, you and Mom could have some more kids.”
Austin’s stomach tightened. He knew that how he handled this next bit would set the tone for the rest of their relationship. “I wish it could be like that between your mom and me, but it can’t. I think you know that.”
Richard looked crestfallen, but after a moment he rallied. “Yeah, that’s what she said, too. I don’t get it.”
“Haven’t you ever liked a girl?”
Richard shrugged. “Yeah,” he mumbled.
“Always the same one?”
“No,” Richard said slowly. “I used to like—” He cut off. “I changed my mind.”
“That’s kind of what happened to us.” Austin chose his words carefully. “If I’d known about you all those years ago, I would have stayed and tried to make it work. Your mom had already decided that it wouldn’t, though. It’s no one’s fault.”
“It’s Mom’s fault you didn’t know about me. I heard her say that on the phone.”
“Is that how you knew about me in the first place? Listening in on conversations you weren’t meant to hear?”
Richard eyed him suspiciously and Austin knew he couldn’t play the heavy with his son—not yet. In the end Richard shrugged. “Yeah. She told her friend you Halls were back in town and that meant she couldn’t keep me from my dad anymore. She has lots of photos of you in her old album from high school. I know where she hides it.”
“So you put two and two together.”
“That’s right.”
“Well, she didn’t tell me about you and I wish to God she had, but we could both get mad at your mom and it wouldn’t change anything, would it? How about we show her that she’s got nothing to lose from us knowing each other?”
“You think she was afraid she’d lose me? That’s why she didn’t tell?”
“I think that’s exactly what she was afraid of. It’s not true, though. You don’t have to choose between us. There’s no reason we can’t all get along, don’t you think?” It killed Austin to say it, but it was the adult thing to do.
After a pause, Richard nodded. “Yeah. Okay. What else are you going to do to the house?”
Austin accepted the change of conversation and served Richard toast and eggs. Richard turned out to be an upbeat, matter-of-fact kind of boy, who had no problem speaking his mind when he wanted something, but handled rejection well, too. Austin took him to see the horses and introduced him to Mason, whom they met in the yard. Mason managed to keep his surprise to himself and exchanged some friendly banter with the boy. When Richard glanced at his watch an hour later and said he had to ride home, Austin was surprised how fast the time had gone.
Ella kept her distance from him for the rest of the day, holing up with Regan and her friends at the Hall to plan the vow renewal celebration. Austin was grateful for the time alone. His thoughts were a tangle of contradictions. He still didn’t know how to move forward with his life. On the other hand, standing still wasn’t practical. Richard was his son no matter what, and he needed a father. Ella deserved to be loved—she deserved the family she wanted—and he had married her. As he moved through the chores he set for himself, he couldn’t find a way through the problem.
“Didn’t you make an appointment to see Reverend Halpern today?” Mason said when he found Austin in the barn an hour later.
“I told him I’d come by sometime.”
“This afternoon?”
“Yes.”
“Getting pretty late.”
“I’ll get to it.” Austin didn’t put away the saw blade he was sharpening, however. He dreaded the meeting with the Reverend.
“Are you ever going to talk about it?”
“About what?” Austin ran the blade over the whetstone again.
“About whatever happened over there in Afghanistan that’s got you tied up in knots.”
“Nothing to talk about.”
“Bullshit.”
Austin dropped the blade and faced him. “It’s none of your business. Can I make that more clear?”
“Probably not. It’s someone’s business, though. You don’t want to talk to me, then talk to Halpern.”
Austin snorted. “Halpern doesn’t know shit about it. He’s never been in the service.”
“Maybe not, but he knows human nature. And he keeps his mouth shut. You can trust him to give you good advice. You’re heading over there right now, anyway.” Mason made a show of looking at his watch. “Talk to the man.”
“Fine.” Austin put away his tools, thought about washing up and changing his clothes, then discarded the notion. Halpern had been preaching to country folks his whole career. He wouldn’t mind a little stink.
He found the reverend in the church a half-hour later, and Halpern was obviously pleased when Austin asked him to officiate at the vowel renewal ceremony.
“That’s a great idea. A couple as suited for each other as you two deserves a real family wedding. Let me look at my schedule. Come on back.” He led the way to his small office just behind the sanctuary and stopped by a calendar that hung on the wall. He pointed to a Saturday early in August. “Does that work?”
“Sounds good.” Austin tried to muster the proper enthusiasm.
Failed.
“Something on your mind, son?” Halpern said, waving him into a seat on the other side of the desk. He took his own.
Austin took his seat slowly. Maybe Mason was right; maybe it was time to talk, but how could he talk about death and his own mistakes in this clean, safe r
oom? They were so far removed from Afghanistan that his experiences there didn’t even seem real.
When Austin didn’t answer, Halpern sat back. “Your dad was a good friend of mine, you know. He’d be so proud of you.”
His words opened the floodgates, but in all the wrong ways. Shame washed over Austin. His father wouldn’t be proud of him, and that was the worst of it. Aaron Hall had been a hell of a man. A man who took care of his wife and children, protected them, shielded him from harm.
Austin had failed to protect anyone—not his friend. Not even his own son. He’d lied to everyone—Halpern, Mason, Heloise. And now he was here to set up a new wedding when he hadn’t had the right to say those vows in the first place.
“This is a mistake.” He stood up, scraping the chair back.
“Austin—”
“No. Forget the ceremony. Just… forget it.”
He burst from the vestry and strode through the church, Reverend Halpern’s words echoed after him.
“I’ll keep the date open, in case you change your mind. I’m here any time—”
Austin nearly dashed from the church, climbed in his truck and roared out of the parking lot. Instead of turning for home, he turned the opposite way. To the west.
He didn’t stop driving for a long, long time.
* * *
Ella didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when the living room furniture for the bunkhouse was delivered late that afternoon. Here she was creating a home when her reasons for being here were fading fast. She pulled herself together with an effort and directed the delivery men on where to put the different furnishings, but she found no joy in removing their plastic coverings and maneuvering them into place.
The kitchen was still a mess from Austin’s attack on the linoleum, but the living room looked bright and cheerful with the comfortable sofa and easy chair taking up most of the space. She’d gotten a coffee table and end tables to round out the room and a colorful rug for the floor, too. Austin and Mason had painted most of the walls and trim, but hadn’t made the built-in shelves she’d specified yet. She wondered if they ever would.