She took the train down to London on Tuesday, she hadn’t been down for months, and it was strange to go back; part of her longed for her old life and for who she had been once. She mused how much she had changed, part of it was her getting older, and part of it was everything that happened.
She had to decide who she was again; she had to find out how to pick up the pieces. Settling in Chadford was part of that, and wondered with her father gone, if she had done the right thing or not.
Part of her wanted to see her friends, the people she loved, but she didn’t, she just went for the meeting she was supposed to have and scuttled back again. The whole journey there and back, navigating the tube, making her way to the office she had been to a couple of times before, pushed memories forward and fears of what had been, and she wasn’t ready to face the past.
She hated it, hated who she had become, and part of her longed for the past; the arrogance and certainty of her life before. She had feigned that confidence long enough to believe it, and she would give anything to have it again, instead of whatever it was she had come to feel.
She got back to her car at the train station carpark, just as the yellow streetlamps blinked on in the early summer twilight, and she drove out to Whitt Farm.
It wasn’t a farm anymore, but an animal sanctuary of a kind. Mags, the woman who ran the place, was a widow, and outbuildings surrounded the charming old farmhouse, filled with dogs and cats, and a various number of rescued pets. It’s where she had taken Cap when she found her abandoned at a roadside.
Cap bounded over the open top of the stable door, barking madly as her human got out of her car. Mags appeared out of the gloom.
“Hey, do you want to buy some eggs?”
“I would love some.”
Mags was just sorting out her chickens, ushering them into their comfortable coop.
“Need a hand?”
“Shoo them towards me.”
Em made little gentle movements ushering the chickens inside with Mags.
“Bloody things. As bad as cats when they have a mind to be.” Mags beamed as the light faded completely, and she invited Em in. “What’s up? London stress you out?”
“Yes, a bit. I nearly went to see people, but I didn’t. It feels weird now. Anyway.”
Mags made them a cup of tea when the chickens were secured. “What’s going on?”
Em really liked the woman, and helped now and again with the animals. She should do more of that.
“Met a man, all manly, man, man, if you know what I mean. He’s, I don’t know, bit odd, it’s weird, but I think I like him, but he doesn’t like me, at all. I’m not that woman, not after everything I’ve been through.”
“Stay away then.” Em made a noise. “You can always come to me; you know that.”
“Thanks.”
Em went to help feed the cats and played with a few before taking Cap home. Em looked over to her laptop as she turned the lights on, realising that she had no ideas. Nothing was hovering.
She needed to get some, or she’d go mad, and her spank-bank was running dry. It had been too long since someone was interested in her, who didn’t freak her out, skirt about the fact, or only want her for one thing. She made her choice. She was going to fuck off Ryan, and date, and find inspiration.
A thing easier said than done.
Five. Okay, it’s not that bad
Em, as summer kicked off in earnest, attempted several dating apps and sites, and had the shittiest experiences with every single one. She avoided Kevin and Ryan, went on a few setups with Jess, all horrible, and by the middle of a sticky June, she was utterly pissed off and hadn’t written a thing. She gardened like a motherfucker instead.
Em sat outside on her porch, staring at a blank screen. She was so zoned out that she jumped two foot in the air when her phone rang.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
Jess laughed at the other end. “Do you want to go on a date?”
“With you?”
“No, a guy asked me out, I went, and I met his friend. I think he’s your type. Seemed nice.”
“Okay, when?”
“Tomorrow night.”
“Sure.” Em took his number and texted him. Em was cautious and had two phones. Her second crappy one only held numbers she gave out to people she didn’t know.
She was meeting her date at a small restaurant, but it felt more like a café, it was a little casual for her on a date, but she’d give him a chance. As she waited, she worried about Cap, all alone at home, and wondered if her linen dress was too short, and pulled at her minimiser bra, which though useful, was uncomfortable.
The twenty minutes she waited, built up a level of agitation she had difficulty keeping in check. A slightly smarmy man approached, eyes gleaming, and Em repressed a shudder.
They talked, or rather he did. He was one of those guys that dominated every part of the space they occupy, not through presence, or physicality, but sheer arrogance. She disliked him and fidgeted the whole time.
She insisted she pay for her food, and when they left and stood awkwardly on the pavement outside as she formed her goodbye, he virtually strong-armed her down the street. They were in a pub before she knew it. Even she, cautious and defensive, had difficulty getting across the word no to him, and a shiver of panic formed. It turned to anger, anger was better than agitation, and it washed over her.
She sat down at the table he ushered them to, and he went to the bar, she was mid-emergency ‘I’m going to kill him, you, and everyone in my path’ text to Jess, when she looked up.
Ryan was sat at the bar nursing a barely drunk beer, being misery personified. Her heart lurched. He was her way out. Bless him, poor bastard, and she thanked the fates, whatever they were, that she happened to be in the same place as him.
She was about to approach when she noticed several things that she had missed in her annoyance. Ryan was being relentlessly chatted up by a woman who could not see that he was not interested, leaving him pretty terrorised, and Em’s date was talking to someone that he knew very well, by the way that she had her hand on his arse was anything to go by. Well now, wasn’t that interesting.
The date sauntered back with a smirk. She wanted to put her thighs around his neck and snap it.
“Hey, my friend thinks you’re hot.”
“Am I supposed to be flattered?”
“When I take you home, she was wondering if she could join us.” He ran his finger down her arm, and she lost it.
“You’re a dick. I don’t want chlamydia, keep it in your pants. We’re done.”
“You little fucking cunt.” He sneered, and she gave him a slow and lazy smile.
“Oh dear, the poor little boy is confused. Darling, I have a cunt; you are a cunt, two entirely different things.” Everyone else in the sparsely populated bar observed it, except for the woman with her hands all over Ryan. She felt sorry for him as he squirmed away, ready to bolt in confusion and annoyance.
People went back to their drinks. Ryan looked down at his beer, and for the tenth time, leant away from the woman.
Em went straight between them and rested her arm on the bar, not considering her supposed date. Her back was to Ryan. She looked flatly at the woman.
“What?”
Em just glared.
“What do you want? You’re in the way of my date.”
“Am I?”
“Yeah.”
Em turned her back and faced Ryan, who was bemused instead of pissed off. “Am I, Ryan?”
“No.”
She turned back to the woman. “Back off.”
Ryan went back to his beer, Em put her arm around Ryan’s waist to make the point, and she left.
Em took the stool next to him. “So...”
“Thanks.”
“Why didn’t you tell her to get lost?” Em ordered another drink because she didn’t trust the one that the dickhead had bought.
&
nbsp; “I couldn’t.”
“Wow, you weren’t lying. You are shit with people.” He huffed a laugh, and half-smiled. “You can laugh? I didn’t think you knew how.”
He gave her a pointed look, and she gave him a huge grin. Her phone pinged, then again.
“You going to answer that?”
“Nope, I’m punishing Jess for setting me up with the ‘coerce my date into a threesome’ slimy bawbag face over there. I sent her an emergency ‘I’m gonna go on a rampage’ text, and now she’s freaking out. I’ll let her stew for a bit, while she thinks I’m being murdered or doing the killing.”
“Harsh.”
“Not really. He called me something very unpleasant.” Ryan smiled again. “Blimey, two in one night. My luck is on the turn. What was with the bird?”
He frowned. “I wanted some peace and quiet, but atmosphere, you know? But she just kept talking to me. I said I wasn’t interested; she took it as, please continue.” He shook his head in confusion. He simply didn’t know how attractive he was. “So thanks.”
“Well, you owe me now. Firstly for being a dickhead, and now for saving you.”
“Do I?”
“Yes.”
“What exactly?”
“Don’t know yet. We’ll see.” She smiled at him.
She didn’t want to leave and couldn’t seem to, but she should. She fussed the beer mat.
“The guys have missed you.”
“That’s nice. Things have been a bit shit.” She had no idea why she said that.
“Why?”
“Just in a funk. Not much work to do, I have no ideas, feeling a bit stale, but it’ll pass.”
“What is it that you write again?”
“Nothing exciting. What about you, how’s your life going?”
“Okay, I like my job. I’m getting sick of living with Kevin. He’s sick of me, and he’s doing well, he gets his new car tomorrow, so I’m going home.”
“Home?”
“Yeah, I mean, it was only temporary, my place is sitting empty. Well, I rented it out for a month to a family of a serviceman in the hospital. They took him home last week.”
“You live far?”
“A few miles.”
She nodded, oddly relieved.
“I’ll miss the nights with the guys there, but seeing as they’re barely speaking to me, it doesn’t matter.”
“Why aren’t they speaking to you?”
“You.”
“Ah.”
“Well, I should go.”
“Are you going home?”
“Yep.”
“May I tag along, it’s just I don’t want to chance a run in with the creep. I mean, I can take care of myself, but I’d rather not have to.”
“Sure. Would it make us even?”
“No.”
He smiled, not a little smirk, a genuine smile, and she nearly fell off her stool. It transformed his face.
It was a humid night, and they walked into the stillness, deciding to walk along the meandering cycle route rather than call a taxi, as it was such a nice walk to take. They strolled quietly for a while until Em called Jess.
“So, I escaped.”
“Thank God for that.”
“You will not set me up on any more dates. Ever again.”
“Done. I’m sorry. What happened?”
“What happened? He seemed nice, you said. My type, you said. What the fuck do you think is my type? He was vile.”
“But what happened?”
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
She hung up.
Ryan cleared his throat. “Um, what made you stay here?”
“I had nothing to go back to.”
“No family?”
“Yeah, but it’s a long story, and I don’t like talking about it. But I do like it here. Dad left everything to me, and he liked it here.”
“Do you miss home?”
“Sometimes. When I balance it all out, this is where I want to be.” She still wasn’t sure of him, even if they made some headway. What he’d said to her was cruel, and she thought it best not to give him any ammunition against her, so she kept herself to herself.
They talked a little about books, films, and fitness as they walked. The air was cool in the darkness, and they fell into step.
“You work out a lot?”
“Yeah, I like being strong. It gives me the control that I never had. I have a gym in my house. I hate going to gyms.”
“What do you do?”
“Run, bike, weights. I do a few classes, well I used to, haven’t been for a while.”
“Like what?”
“Kickboxing, Krav Maga, and yoga.” He whistled. “I miss the classes, training with people is better, but I have this dummy I like to beat the shit out of. Guess what I named it?” she laughed.
“I deserve that. You should go back to the classes.”
“Yeah. I got really into it after dad died, I was…angry. Not so much now.”
They broke away from the path through the fields and emerged onto the main road, and turned into Gable Place.
“Well, thanks for the talk. It was nice.”
“Wow, thanks, so I’m not a terrifying harpy. Good to know. Night.”
Six. Cut loose
July was turning out to be hot. Em lounged back on her porch. She wore a thin silvery-cropped t-shirt that fell off her shoulder and white shorts, and big rounded forties style shades covered her face. She had just painted her toes hot pink and was working on her fingers when a car turned down, she saw the guys wave and pile out. She waved back. Fuck it, if they wanted to look at her tits, so be it, and she’d have to get over it because she couldn’t control what people did.
Someone had told her that once, and when she was eighteen it changed her outlook, but it was so hard to get that back. She wore a rather stabilising bikini top under her t-shirt, at least she hadn’t risked going without support.
Carl made his way over, Lewis followed.
“Hey, Em.”
“Hi, guys.”
“We haven’t seen you for a while, how're things?”
“Fine, you?”
“Yeah, we’re all good. Um, you know we like you, right? We’re not perving or anything, we like you.”
“Thanks, I appreciate it.”
“Kevin said you and Ryan made peace.”
“Yeah.” She went back to her nails. “I explained I know Krav Maga, and he was super nice.”
Carl laughed. “Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Full of surprises aren’t you, and not joking when you say you can do damage?”
“Not a little bit.”
“How good are you?”
“Good enough, not fantastic, but I can hold my own.”
“Huh, I’ll bear it in mind.”
She softened towards him, seeing as he didn’t look at her boobs once.
“Why don’t you guys come and hang out, I have another of those crates of beer, I have the bigger porch too. But I’m going out later with Jess. She’ll like that we’re hanging out again.”
“Sure.”
She sent Carl inside to find the beer, which seemed to annoy Ryan, but he wasn’t the scowling misery in her company that he once was, merely quiet. Em directed Lewis out back to fetch the folding chairs, and they all arranged themselves. Em just carried on with her nails.
“So what are you doing tonight?” Kevin had sat next to her, and Ryan lounged back on the bench that doubled as a table opposite.
“Jess’s housemate is a bit of a nightmare but it’s her birthday, and the invitation has been extended to me. I don’t mind her, but she gets on Jess’s nerves. It’s because they live together probably. So, the woman is thirty, and a little older than Jess and me. There are going to be a few mums there on a rare night out; it’ll get messy.”
“I haven’t seen you typing out here much.”
> She turned to Kevin, he had large almond eyes, and his lashes curled right over, she doubted he’d appreciate it if she told him they were pretty.
“I finished a project, so I’m searching for the next, but I’m not sure what I’ll do.”
She listened to the boys talk and stayed quiet, happy to sit back. When she was sure her nails were dry, she went in and brought out a huge bowl of cold fruit salad, tortillas and dips. The food was demolished. She went back in and ferreted out the cake she bought for her and Jess.
“Cake?” Carl almost lunged at her.
“Down boy.” It was a crisp command, and he sat with raised brows. Cap barked. “And you.”
“What kind of cake?”
“Double chocolate.”
Lewis whistled. “I like the fact she feeds us.”
“She? No cake for you.”
“Aw, please.” He gave her puppy dog eyes.
“Fine.” She cut the cake and served it out, saving a wedge for her and Jess.
Carl, Lewis and Ben had taken up a game of Frisbee across the front gardens, some of the kids were out riding bikes, looking for attention. The girls from number two, ages twelve and ten, were captivated. Those poor kids were crushing hard, Carl took his shirt off, not caring about his prosthetic forearm. Em was still quiet, Ryan next to her, she had her feet up on the bench, half-asleep, and Kevin was out cold on a fold out chair.
Ryan was silent, but the tension that usually radiated off him was absent, he seemed relaxed, and it was nice.
At four, Jess puttered up to the house and put an end to the game.
“Huh.” Jess stared at the scene she came upon. “I’m surprised you aren’t having a barbeque out here.”
“Ah, crap that is such a good idea. A bit late, though.”
“We should do it.”
“I’ll get right on that.” Em closed her eyes.
“Do you have heat exhaustion again?”
She couldn’t say it was Ryan finally relaxed in her presence that seemed to soothe her. She felt like she’d been meditating.
“Maybe, I can drink most people under the table, and yet, a day outside and I’m bollocked.”
“Well, ladies, I hate to break this shit up, but we have to get ready.” Jess couldn’t look away from Em and Ryan lounging back.
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