by Betsy Tobin
Just then a burly Englishman wearing an apron emerges from the door of a butcher’s shop beside them. He shouts at them to stop and for a moment, all of them do: Little Dog, the man from the chemist and Wen all freeze and stare at each other, their chests heaving. In that instant Wen sees a police car drive slowly up the street he has just come from. All three men turn and watch as the car approaches. The woman with the pushchair waves urgently at the police car, calling out for it to stop. Wen sees Little Dog weighing up his chances. Little Dog nods to the other man to get into the car and he drives off just as the police car pulls over and a policeman to speak to the woman. Wen doesn’t wait for the outcome, but turns and sprints back towards the chemist, jumps on the bicycle and pedals as hard as he can.
Miraculously, Miriam’s medication is still in his pocket when he reaches her house several minutes later. As he steps off the bike, he realises that he is drenched in sweat and that his legs are trembling. He tries to compose himself for a moment, crouching down on his haunches. One side of his face throbs from the blow he received, but apart from that he is fine. Alive and well, he thinks grimly, and back from the dead. How long did he imagine this life could last? Miriam comes around the side of the house and her eyes widen with alarm.
“What happened?”
“I fall from bike, it is nothing,” he says, rising.
She raises a hand to his face, frowning.
“Looks like you’ve been in the wars,” she remarks. “Come inside and get cleaned up.”
Later, he cycles home slowly under cover of darkness, pondering what to do next. When he arrives, he is relieved to see that Angie is not yet back from work. He shuts himself in the bathroom and soaks in the bath for a long time, the way he did that first night all those months ago. He cannot stay in Morecambe Bay; that much is obvious. Now that they know he is alive, they will do their utmost to find him. Our organisation is like the long tail of a dragon, Old Fu had said. Wherever you go we will find you. He will have to go to London. And from there, on to somewhere else. He has the Korean passport and enough money saved to buy a plane ticket. To France perhaps. Or America, where at least he can speak the language. He looks around the tiny bathroom, at the familiar cracks in the ceiling and the array of plastic bottles lined up by the sink. He has memorised them all by now: their shape and colour and scent. He will miss this life, he thinks with regret.
That night he lies to Angie for the first time, and when he utters the words they sound strange to him, like a false language he has just invented. When she asks about his injured face, he tells her that a car narrowly missed him and he lost his balance and fell onto the kerb. She leans forward and touches the spot lightly, then turns and pours him a measure of whisky. He hesitates before he accepts it; she has not stopped drinking, though she drinks far less now than when he first arrived. He should have made her stop, he thinks. Should have asked this one small thing of her. He takes the glass and she pours herself one, settling down beside him on the sofa.
“I must go to London,” he says abruptly, his voice hollow.
He cannot look at her. But out of the corner of his eye, he sees her frown slightly.
“Why?”
“I have business… I need do.”
“Business,” she repeats.
He nods. Neither of them speak for a minute. He can see her weighing up his words. She has never pressed him for details of his past, has almost deliberately avoided seeking knowledge that might prove destructive of the life they have created together.
“Will you come back?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“Soon.”
His voice fades, as if swallowed by the truth. He takes a drink of whisky to mask his discomfort. But instead of the familiar burn, all he tastes is bitterness.
He leaves her in heavy slumber before dawn the next morning, stealing silently from her bedroom. He has already stowed a few things in a rucksack: some spare clothes, the passport, the money earned from Miriam and her neighbours. At the last moment he adds the English-Chinese dictionary Angie bought him, the key to the life they have created together. He lets himself quietly into the garden one last time: it is a cold autumn night and the ground is wet with heavy dew. He wanders around in the darkness, lamenting the fact that he will not see it through an entire year of growth. A few minutes later, he pulls the front door closed behind him and cycles to the train station, where he is forced to abandon Miriam’s bicycle against an old iron railing. He dares not consider what she would think of him now. For he is running away, saving himself, just as he did the last time.
November 2004
The morning after they go for hotpot, Lili goes to the language school in search of Jin, determined to confront her once and for all. She knows that Jin is teaching all morning, so she arrives at the school just before noon and lingers in the tiny kitchen. When Jin eventually comes in, she raises an eyebrow in surprise.
“Are you teaching today?”
“No,” says Lili. Jin looks at her oddly, then steps round her to fill the kettle with water. “I came to see you.” Lili pauses, uncertain how to continue. Just then Jin’s phone rings. She glances at it quickly, then opens it and turns away, speaking quietly.
“Wei? I can’t talk now,” she says quietly. “I’ll ring you later.” She snaps the phone shut and turns back to Lili.
“What’s up?”
“It’s about Wen.”
“What about him?”
“Last night I went to the hotpot restaurant. They told me that some men came looking for him a few days ago.”
“And?”
“Why would anyone come looking for him nine months after his death?”
“How would I know?” Jin shrugs and reaches for a mug from the shelf.
“I saw the photos in your room,” says Lili. “You went to see him. At Morecambe Bay.”
Jin glances sideways at her. “Maybe I did.”
“But you told me you didn’t.”
“What does it matter?”
“It matters if he isn’t dead,” says Lili flatly.
Jin stops and looks at her a long moment. “You’re chasing ghosts,” she says, and walks past her out the door.
•
Lili returns home later than usual that evening. When she enters, she can hear Adrian and May eating dinner in the kitchen, together with someone whose voice she does not recognise. She goes to the doorway. Adrian, May and an attractive blonde woman are seated at the table with empty plates in front of them. At once they stop talking and look up at her. Lili flushes and starts to turn away.
“I’m sorry,” she says.
Adrian jumps to his feet. “Not at all. Come in. We’re just finishing. There’s a bit left over if you’re hungry.”
“No, thank you. I ate before,” says Lili quickly. Though in truth she has not.
“Okay,” says Adrian. “This is Eliza, by the way. She’s a… colleague of mine at work.”
“It is nice to meet you,” says Lili awkwardly.
“And you,” says Eliza. She throws a bemused look at Adrian.
“Eliza’s from Botswana,” interjects May.
“Oh,” says Lili, a little confused. The woman does not look African.
“She’s seen lions! Loads of them,” adds May. “And giraffes!”
“I see.”
“Would you like a glass of wine?” asks Adrian.
They stare at her, and for an instant all she hears is the clock ticking on the stove.
“No, thank you. I am very tired. I will go to bed.”
“Well, good night then,” Adrian says, sitting back down.
He seems relieved she did not accept his offer. Lili hurries upstairs to her room and closes the door. Later, she hears the sound of Adrian putting May to bed. She listens closely for the noise of the front door, but hears nothing. She would like a cup of tea, but is reluctant to go downstairs, in case Eliza and Adrian are alone together. So instead she goes to bed earlier
than usual, her stomach rumbling beneath the bedcovers.
Later, in the middle of the night, she is woken by the sound of May wailing. Lili sits up at once, listening intently. Lili can hear Adrian trying to placate her in measured tones. She rises and hastily puts on her dressing gown, thinking that perhaps she should help. But when she starts down the stairs, the sound of Eliza’s voice in the hallway stops her dead. Quickly, she retreats back up to her room. After a few minutes, she hears Eliza and Adrian speaking in hushed tones in the hallway, followed by the whispered closing of the front door. She listens until the house is silent once again, but the atmosphere seems strangely altered, and she has trouble returning to sleep.
•
The next morning, she rises early and is making toast when May appears in her school uniform, looking tired.
“Good morning,” says Lili cautiously.
“Morning,” says May dully. She takes a bowl out of the cupboard and fills it with cereal, then crosses to the refrigerator for milk. Adrian comes in and when he sees Lili, his jaw tightens slightly.
“Hey Lili,” he murmurs, turning to the kettle.
The three of them eat in silence. May refuses to take her eyes off the bowl in front of her, as if she has been hypnotised, and Adrian stares resolutely at the newspaper headlines. When May finishes, she leaves the room abruptly. Lili rises and clears her own plate into the dishwasher, together with May’s bowl, before turning to Adrian.
“Is everything all right?” she asks tentatively.
“Everything’s fine,” says Adrian without looking up. He turns to another section of the newspaper. “May’s just tired, that’s all,” he adds.
That evening when Lili returns home, she hopes to slip upstairs unnoticed, but Adrian comes into the hallway just as she rounds the corner. She hesitates.
“Hello,” he says with a nod. He approaches May’s bedroom door and knocks lightly. “May?”
Lili crosses to the stairs when she hears May’s muffled voice from behind the door.
“I’m not hungry.”
Lili pauses. She hears Adrian sigh.
“Come on, May,” he pleads in an exasperated voice.
“I said I’m not hungry!”
Lili turns back to face him. Adrian shakes his head.
“Maybe you should try,” he says. “I’m not having much luck.”
He jerks his thumb in the direction of May’s door and raises an eyebrow.
“I don’t know,” she says.
“Just see if she’ll come out for dinner, will you?”
He turns and walks back to the kitchen. Lili approaches May’s door and knocks gently.
“May? It’s me. Lili.”
She hears a shuffling inside the room, and after a few moments, the door opens a little. May stands in her oversized school uniform, unsmiling. In her arm she clutches two stuffed rabbits with long pink ears.
“What is it?”
“May I come in?”
She shrugs in response and steps to one side, allowing Lili to enter. May closes the door behind her and crosses back to her bed, where a wide circle of toy animals has been laid out.
“What game do you play?”
“It’s not a game. It’s school.”
“Oh.”
May clambers onto her bed and begins repositioning the animals.
“Are you the teacher?”
May nods, lining the animals up in three rows in front of her. She positions the two rabbits at the front.
“May, are you angry?”
“Why would I be angry?” says May stubbornly.
“I don’t know. Did something happen last night?”
May sucks in air, then climbs off the bed, going over to a large round basket that holds more animals. She reaches in and pulls out several more, crossing back to the bed.
“She’s not his wife,” says May, placing the animals behind the others.
“Who?”
“Eliza.”
“Of course not.”
“And she’s not my mother either,” May adds under her breath. “Even if she has seen elephants.”
“No, of course not,” Lili stammers.
May looks up at her fiercely.
“I don’t want another mother. Two mothers are enough.”
“Yes, I understand. But your father. Perhaps he needs someone?”
“Why? He’s got us, hasn’t he?”
“But, It’s not the same. You understand this, don’t you?”
May shakes her head.
“He was okay before.”
“But… people change.”
“Well, I don’t want them to,” says May stubbornly. She climbs off her bed and gathers up all the soft toys in her arms, dumping them back into the basket.
“I need to do my homework,” she says, brushing past Lili.
Later, after an awkward meal during which May refuses to speak, Lili finds herself alone in the kitchen with Adrian. She wipes a pan with a tea towel.
“I’m sorry. I do not think May is happy to talk with me,” she says.
“It’s okay. I appreciate your trying. It wasn’t really fair of me to ask.”
Adrian pours himself a glass of wine from an open bottle on the counter, then sits down at the table with a sigh.
“After Sian died, I waited a long time before I began to see other people. Other women,” he adds with a shrug. “I knew it would be difficult.”
“May is still young. Perhaps… when she is older?”
“I guess so,” Adrian says. “I thought that she was old enough. And I thought that having you here would somehow make it easier. Sort of… introduce a woman to the house again. But I was wrong. Ironically, I think it’s made it worse. May thinks of us as one big happy family now.”
Adrian shakes his head, unaware of the effect of his words. Lili freezes, her face growing hot. She has understood the meaning but not the implication of what he says. Is he asking her to leave?
“I’m sorry. If you wish, I can go.”
He looks up at her with surprise.
“No. No I’m sorry – that’s not what I meant. Honestly, I don’t want you to go, Lili. May adores you. She’d be devastated if you left.”
Adrian stops short. They stare at each other for a moment. Lili silently wills him to continue. But he reaches for the wine bottle instead and refills his glass.
“Okay,” she murmurs, turning back to the dishes.
•
The following day, Lili finishes teaching at six. When she comes out of the school, it is dark and a light mist has begun to fall. As she heads towards the bus stop, two Chinese men step in front of her, blocking the pavement. She has never set eyes on them before. One is short and well groomed, his clothes and shoes expensive-looking. The other is medium height, with a small scar on one cheek and hair that is combed straight back. It is the short one who commands her attention, stepping forward slightly and raising his chin. Lili can smell the faint musky odour of after-shave. She sees a tiny cut on the side of his cheek.
“Zhang Lili?”
“Yes.”
“Zhang Wen’s sister?”
Lili feels a flash of apprehension. “Who are you?”
The man steps closer, until they are almost eye to eye.
“We’re associates of your brother’s.”
“Associates? My brother is dead!”
“Then by rights, his debt should fall to you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Your brother knows.”
“I told you Wen is dead!”
The short man studies her for a long moment. He glances over at the other man.
“So he lied to you too. Along with everyone else.”
“Wen never lied to anyone,” Lili says fervently. And for a moment, she almost believes that this is true.
“Your loyalty is touching. But it is not deserved. When we find him, you can tell him so.”
She looks from one to the other, then
pushes past them and hurries along the pavement. She glances back over her shoulder, where they remain standing in the darkness. She sees a brief flame as the short man lights a cigarette. She crosses the road and glances back one last time. The taller one has turned away and is walking in the opposite direction, but the short one is staring after her, holding the cigarette in his hand.
When she arrives at the bus stop, she is out of breath and trembling. Her phone rings.
“Wei?”
“Lili, it’s me.”
It takes her a moment to recognise Adrian’s voice.
“Sorry to bother you, but something’s come up this evening. Do you think you could watch May?”
Lili hesitates. Right now she needs to find Jin.
“I am sorry,” she says. “I must go to meet a friend.”
“Oh.” His voice deflates slightly.
“Perhaps later.”
“Okay,” he says hopefully. “How long?”
“Maybe one hour?” she says.
“Thanks. I really appreciate it.”
She boards a 237 bus to Hounslow, vowing to herself that this time she will not be bullied or misled. She needs to know once and for all whether Wen is truly dead. When she arrives outside Jin’s building, she realises that she still has the key to the bedsit in her handbag. She races up the flight of stairs to Jin’s room, pausing just outside, where she can hear movement within. Lili knocks and waits for a response, but there is only hushed silence. How could Jin know it is her? she wonders angrily. She fumbles in her bag for the key and unlocks the door, pushing it open. And there, not like a ghost at all, sits her long-dead brother, Wen.
November 2004
Wen stares in horror at Lili’s face. She remains frozen in the doorway, her eyes fixed on him. He watches as shock turns to joy. Then, for the briefest instant, he sees the angry shadow of betrayal. The enormity of his deceit surges over him. In the next instant she stumbles forward and throws her arms around him, her breath coming in sobs. He pulls her down next to him.