by M A Comley
“Hello, pleased to meet you,” Gina said, her impeccable manners coming easily without Emmy needing to prompt her.
“It’s wonderful to finally meet you too, Gina.”
Gina leaned over the pram, saw Logan was asleep and whispered, “How old is he or she?”
“Logan is a terror of a boy and he’s coming up to four months old.”
“Babies are so cute. I want ten of them when I grow up.”
“You do? That’s news to me,” Emmy spluttered, her eyes wide, either from the shock or in horror at the thought.
Debs suppressed a giggle. “That’s nice, good luck with your ambition. Babies are a lot of hard work.”
Gina bent down and picked up her little sister, Cilla, and kissed her lots of times all over her face. “Yes, but they’re adorable. Aren’t you, Cilla?”
Cilla squealed and hugged her sister’s neck tightly. Eventually, Gina popped her sister back on her feet again and clutched her hand.
Emmy beamed with delight, and Debs could see how much the children loved one another which clawed at her insides and made her wish that Adele was here to play with her little brother and see him grow up.
A hand touched her arm. “Are you all right, Debs?”
Debs swallowed down the lump filling her throat and smiled. “Sorry, just thinking of what-ifs, you know?”
“I do. I’m sorry, I should have thought about that before bringing you here today.”
She waved the suggestion away. “Don’t be daft. I’ve loved meeting Gina, she’s such a special little girl. You’re truly blessed to have…” Her voice trailed off as she caught sight of a little girl waiting at the gates. The girl spotted Debs staring at her and dropped her gaze to look at the pavement. Debs was eager to get closer. There was something about the little girl which seemed familiar.
“Debs, what’s wrong?”
“I… umm… I don’t know.”
Emmy followed her gaze. “Do you know her?”
“Do you?” Debs was quick to respond.
“Gina, who’s that little girl standing by the gate?”
“Oh, that’s Susie Withers, she joined us at the start of last term.”
“Do you know where she was before that?” Debs asked, unable to take her eyes off the child.
“A school on the other side of Liverpool, I think. Want me to ask for you?”
“Oh, no, it’s all right. I was just curious, I thought I recognised her for a minute. I must be mistaken.”
Emmy frowned, but then announced, “We’d better get going, Lilly will be coming out of school soon. She goes nuts if I’m late. Are you coming, Debs?”
“Of course.” Debs followed Gina, Cilla and Emmy as they marched up the road. Now and again, Debs found herself glancing over her shoulder to find the girl watching her. Once they turned the corner at the top of the road and the girl was no longer in sight, Debs couldn’t help feeling a little bereft. Why? Don’t be absurd! I’m looking for things that just aren’t there.
It was true, she supposed. Since Adele’s disappearance, she’d purposefully avoided going anywhere near girls of her age, whatever that age may have been over the years. But being confronted by a little girl who she thought looked like Adele had been a blow she hadn’t expected, and it knocked her sideways for a moment or two. So much so that she was drawn to the girl. “I’m sorry, Emmy, would you mind if I head back home now? I have a headache coming on.”
Emmy’s eyes narrowed as if she didn’t believe Debs, but she nodded and smiled after a moment’s hesitation. “Of course. You can meet the rest of my tribe another day. I hope you feel better soon. Let me know how you are later, okay?”
“I will, thanks for understanding. Bye everyone, lovely to meet you all.”
“Bye, see you soon,” Gina shouted after Debs had spun around and upped her pace.
She turned the corner at the top of the road and her heart sank. The little girl was no longer there. Shit! Shit! Shit! She scanned the area, but couldn’t see her anywhere. Maybe her mother or father picked her up in the car.
Disappointment resonated and guided her footsteps. She walked back through the park, her gaze quickly drawn to the children playing on the swings in the adventure play area. She decided to while away a few minutes on the park bench, watching the older children play. Tears misted her eyes when she reflected on the lost opportunity. Why hadn’t she listened to her gut and approached the girl? She’d had many regrets over the years but thought this one would rank at the top of the list.
Logan stirred with the noise of the kids’ shouting, having fun in the park. Her hand stroked his cheek to soothe him. “There, there, we’ll be home soon, little man.”
They set off and were home within twenty minutes. Needing something to occupy her mind, Debs decided to cook a full roast dinner with the chicken she’d picked up from the supermarket the day before. After preparing all the vegetables and putting the meat in the oven, she gave Logan an early bath, then sat down with a nice cup of coffee to watch him play with the mobile above him whilst he lay on the furry rug in the lounge. It wasn’t long before her mind drifted back to the little girl. What if… what if she was Adele? It couldn’t have been. But… why couldn’t it be her? She has to be out there somewhere, right?
The inner conversation took place over the next thirty minutes and only ended when her mobile rang. “Hello?”
“Debs, it’s Emmy. I’m just ringing up to see how you are, lovely.”
“Oh, don’t worry about me. I’m fine. I took a couple of paracetamol when I got back and my headache went within ten minutes. Sorry to let you down like that.”
“Nonsense, you did nothing of the sort. Are you sure you’re all right? You know, you seemed a little distant once we reached the school and, dare I say it, when you saw that little girl at the gates.”
“Yes, I’m fine,” Debs replied, touched by Emmy’s concern. “Please don’t worry about me, she looked familiar for a moment, that’s all. Me being silly, best to ignore me when that happens.”
“No way. Look, if you ever need to chat, you know where I am, day or night. I’d hate to be in your situation, the not knowing must drive you nuts at times. Ouch, sorry, I didn’t mean that to sound so unkind, it’s just a manner of speech, that’s all.”
“I didn’t take it to mean anything else, I promise. I go through phases like this, you’re right, the not knowing is the hardest thing I have to live with as a mother.” Debs sucked in a large breath and was eager to change the topic because she was desperate not to think about the what-ifs. “Anyway, I loved meeting Gina today. Good luck with being a grandmother of ten in the future.”
Emmy cackled. “Jesus, that was bloody news to me, I can tell you. Can you imagine the phone calls I’d be getting when she finds out she can’t cope with three or four, let alone ten of the little buggers?”
“It’s not that which would concern me, does she have any idea how babies are born? Can you imagine going through childbirth bloody ten times over?”
“Er no, five was more than enough for me. Actually, four was, but then Cilla came along. I knew I should have kept my legs crossed in bed or resorted to wearing my granny style winceyette nighties.”
Debs roared. “Oh, God, you do make me laugh. I bet that would have turned Richard off big time, for sure.”
“Makes you wonder, looking back over the years, when money was tight in the last century, how people could afford to have such large families, doesn’t it?”
Debs took a sip from her drink. “That thought has often crossed my mind. Of course, they didn’t have the benefit payments to latch on to back then either. It must have been horrendous.”
“Wait a minute, I think my Nan was one of eight. Now I think about it, she used to sit me down and tell me how they were forced to have bread and jam for dinner some days because Granddad worked as a miner and money was really tight. Of course, they had to sit down and watch him consume a hearty meal to keep his strength up for his role as b
readwinner.”
“Horrendous times. I know we always like to complain how badly off we are nowadays, but we’re not really, are we? Says she with a roast chicken sitting in the oven.” Logan giggled and reached for one of his toys.
Emmy laughed. “Yeah, that’s true. Hey, lucky you, it’s bangers and mash in this house tonight, lump it, luckily my kids love it, so I’m safe there. Bloody hell, a roast dinner mid-week, I hope hubby really appreciates you when he gets home from work.”
“I needed something to occupy my time when I got back, to stop the brain going into overdrive; therefore, I thought I’d surprise Martin with a nice meal for a change. He’ll be shocked when I plate up, I can tell you, it’s such a rarity. He’ll probably think I’m guilty of something.”
“What, like having a hot stud on the side?”
“In my dreams. I don’t think I’d ever have the courage to let another man see all my stretch marks. Any hot sex would need to take place in a very dark room, I can assure you.”
“You’re a scream. I’m sure most men would be up for that, given the opportunity.”
“They might, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, not after what happened with Martin.”
“Shit, me and my big mouth, I didn’t even think about that. What a bitch I am, sorry, love. Please forgive me? My mind switches gear all the time and then my mouth runs away with me and that’s the consequence.”
“Hush now. You’re blowing things out of all proportion.”
“You’re a gem. Most women would have hung up on me and never spoken to me again, if I’d brought up having an affair in a conversation. I’m such an irresponsible ditsy mare.”
Debs smiled. The more she got to know Emmy, the more she thought how cool she was. “Stop it, you’re nothing of the sort. End of conversation, okay?”
“If you insist. I’d better fly, the kids are swarming into the kitchen, so it must be nearly dinnertime. Sending love your way. Ring me if you need to chat.”
“I will. And Emmy, thanks for being a terrific friend.”
“Get outta here. Enjoy your roast dinner and your evening. What time will Martin be home?”
“Just after eight, like normal, I hope.”
“Put your feet up before he comes home then, that’s an order, Missus.”
“I will. See you soon. Thanks for checking up on me.”
“That’s what friends do for each other, just you remember that.”
Debs smiled and ended the call. She’d found an absolute angel in Emmy. As Emmy had suggested, she sat and put her feet up for the next couple of hours, pausing the romcom she’d selected on Netflix now and again to check on the progress of the dinner. Then she put Logan to bed, relieved that he appeared to be more settled now that they were attending the club.
Martin walked in the front door and wandered into the kitchen. He gathered her in his strong arms and gave her a kiss that left her breathless. “Wow, what did I do to deserve that?”
“It’s been a long, laborious day and having you to come home to puts life back into perspective, that’s all. How’s Logan been today?”
She smiled up at him, appreciating how much he cherished her. “One of his better days. Dinner is almost ready.”
He lifted his nose up in the air and glanced around for any clues which she’d purposely kept hidden. “What have we got? It smells delicious.”
“Let’s hope you’re not disappointed. You’ve got five minutes to get changed.”
He swooped and kissed her lightly on the mouth. “I’m on it.”
She waited until he left the room and then opened the oven. A satisfied grin spread across her warm face. Everything had turned out just as she’d hoped it would. There was a time in the past, when they’d first got married and she was working full-time, that she’d found cooking the evening meal to be such a chore. Often dishing up burnt offerings when she got her timings all wrong.
She carved the breast of the chicken and put three slices on each plate, then strained the cabbage and carrots and placed them in a glass dish. Then she went back to the oven to retrieve the roast tatties and Yorkshire puds she’d found in the freezer, courtesy of Aunt Bessie. Everything was dished up in all its finery, decorating the kitchen table before Martin entered the room. She watched him pause in the doorway, look at the table and then turn his attention on her.
“Blimey, you have been busy. It’s not our anniversary, is it?”
“No. Hey, don’t say it like that, as though I never make a decent meal for you.”
He crossed the room and bent to kiss her. “I would never say that. This is amazing. You must admit, not something we generally indulge in mid-week, so why today?”
Debs shrugged. “I just wanted to show you how much you mean to me and how much I love you.”
He kissed her again, a long, deep, searching kiss. “Let’s eat, I’m famished. I appreciate your effort, Debs, I truly do.”
“I know. It’s good to hear. Now you can tell me about the kind of day you’ve had.”
“Nah, I’ll pass on that one. I’d rather listen to how your day has been and don’t tell me you’ve been slaving over a hot stove all day long, that would really upset me.”
They took their seats and helped themselves to the veg. Debs took the time to mull over what to say next, but no matter how hard she tried, the right words failed to form in her mouth.
“Everything all right, Debs?” Martin prompted, frowning when she didn’t answer his question.
“Yes, just concentrating on dishing up.”
He tucked into his meal and sipped at the glass of orange juice she’d put out. “So, how did the club go today? Wait, weren’t you supposed to be visiting that friend of yours for afternoon tea?”
“Oh yes, we had a lovely afternoon and then I went with Emmy to pick up her daughter from the primary school.”
“That was nice. What was her daughter like? How old is she?”
Debs took a sip from her drink and replaced it on the table. “She’s called Gina and she’s ten. Bloody impeccable manners, too. Lovely girl and she clearly adores her little sister, Cilla, who is three.”
He finished what was in his mouth and washed it down with some of his drink. “It must be nice when kids get along like that.”
“I should think it makes life a lot easier, especially when there are five children in the house.”
“Crikey, not sure I could cope with that many, could you?”
“No, sometimes…” She inhaled a large breath and rested her knife and fork on the edge of her plate. He studied her. “Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if Adele was still with us.”
He covered her hand with his and wiped his mouth on his serviette with his other. “You’re not alone there. I know we try to avoid the subject as much as possible, but a day doesn’t go by when I don’t think of her, what about you?”
“Morning, noon and night, hon. Some days are easier than others. It helps being preoccupied with Logan the majority of the time, but there are moments when I find myself thinking what if.”
“It’s tough, there’s no denying that, sweetheart. I’m glad it’s not tearing us apart as much as it did back in the beginning. I don’t think either of us could have withstood that amount of pressure for too long. I know it hit you harder in the long term and you still have bouts of depression, which breaks my heart, but basically we’ve grown to accept the inevitable, haven’t we?”
Yes, but what if she came back to us? What if the girl I saw today is Adele? I should have stuck around and followed her. Why didn’t I do that?
He rubbed his thumb across the back of her hand to gain her attention. “Debs? You’ve drifted off again.”
“I’m sorry. I was reflecting on the trauma we went through back in the day. Not something we’d want to revisit, is it? Which is why I refuse to let Logan out of my sight.”
“I can understand that.”
They fell silent and continued to eat their meal. Debs struggled with
her conscience about whether she should tell Martin or not about the girl. In the end, she decided to leave well alone, for now.
12
Debs tossed and turned all night; every time she closed her eyes, she saw the girl as vividly as if she’d been standing in the room next to her. In the end, rather than disturbing Martin further, she slipped out of the bed. After checking in on Logan, she crept down the stairs and made herself a cup of tea. She sat and drank it on the sofa. Off to the right, on the table by the window, was a small framed photo of Adele. She collected it and studied the photo long and hard, at the same time recollecting the girl’s image. A mother knew these things, didn’t she? To have a connection with a child that no one else had, not even the father.
The more she compared the photo to the mental image, the more she believed she was right. Her mind went off at a tangent. What if she went to the school, waited outside for the girl to appear and spoke to her? Would she be wrong, trying to assess the situation? Would the child—Susie, was it? Would she be willing to start a conversation with her? What if the girl’s parents turned up and caught her chatting with a stranger, would they punish her? She wouldn’t want the girl to get into trouble, but the idea that she could be Adele kept prodding her to take action.
Debs saw two, three and four o’clock drag past; eventually, she drifted off to sleep at around four-thirty, clutching the photo to her chest. Martin found her lying on the sofa when he finally came down the stairs at seven-thirty. He knelt down beside her and gently eased the frame out of her hand. Sweeping back her hair, he kissed her gently on the forehead.
She moaned, awaking from the deep sleep that had finally ensnared her. “Oh my, is it that time already?”
“Why are you down here? Couldn’t you sleep?”
“No. I didn’t want to disturb you, so I decided to come down here instead. Have you looked in on Logan?”
“Yes, he’s fast asleep still. Why were you holding Adele’s photo?”
Debs shrugged. “Not sure, it seemed a good idea at the time. A source of comfort, it did wonders in the end. I eventually dropped off sometime after four.”