by Caitlyn Dare
“Do you ever think about anything but your stomach?” Remi asks, rolling her eyes at Conner.
“Yeah, my cock gets a lot of attention.”
“Conner!” Remi gasps as Ace throws a cushion at him.
“Really? From what I can tell, it’s had no real attention since we moved here,” I mutter.
We still haven’t talked about Friday night—or anything, actually. Tonight is the first time I’ve hung out with them like we used to, and it was only because Remi practically begged me to join them.
“I have options.”
“Fuck off. No Bay girls will go anywhere near your tiny cock. They have standards around here.”
“Remi and Hadley don’t seem to have an issue slumming it with you two,” Conner mutters. My spine stiffens at the mention of her name.
Remi promised me we wouldn’t talk about it. It was the only reason I agreed to come down here, but it seems that my idiot twin brother didn’t get the memo.
“Fuck you, man.”
“Nah, I’m not that desperate, bro.”
I flip him off as he relaxes back with his beer.
“So what’s she doing for Thanksgiving? Heading home?” he asks me, the twinkle in his eye telling me that he’s trying to piss me off.
“I highly doubt that,” I scoff, desperately trying to cover up how just thinking about her makes me feel.
“Why?” both Remi and Conner ask simultaneously.
I understand why Conner has no idea, but it still surprises me that Remi has no clue about Hadley’s secret past.
“No reason,” I mutter.
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” Conner asks, suddenly sitting forward. “She’s spending the holiday alone in the dorms?”
“I’m sure she’s not alone,” I say, but the ache in my chest doesn’t like the idea of her being there in her room while most others have gone home to their loving families.
“That’s bullshit.” Conner pushes from his beanbag. “I’m not having that.”
“What are you suggesting?” Remi asks as the ball of dread in my stomach grows.
“Let’s go get her. She’s one of us, she shouldn’t be alone.”
“Conner,” I growl, pushing to stand before him.
“What?” he asks. “You going to hit me again for being her friend? For supporting her after you abandoned her?”
My fingers curl, but I don’t move my arms from my sides.
“I’m right, and you know it.”
My teeth grind. I hate the thought of Hadley being alone. But her being here? I already can’t think of anything worse than a bullshit family meal tomorrow. Having her here too… I’m not sure I’ll survive it.
“Do what the fuck you want, but don’t expect to see me.”
I blow out of the pool house to the sound of the three of them calling after me.
I might agree with them, but that doesn't mean I need to join the Hadley welcome party.
Swiping the first bottle I find, I walk straight out the front door and toward the beach.
Why James keeps restocking his liquor cabinet is beyond me. It’s like he’s asking me to get shitfaced every other day.
I’ve just twisted the cap off the bottle of whiskey when my cell starts ringing in my pocket. My heart jumps into my chest for a beat before I remember putting that bullet through Donny’s fucking head, and I relax slightly. No one else ever rings me, and both Conner and Ace know when to leave me alone.
Pulling it from my pocket, my brows pull together when I find Coach’s name staring back at me. I guess it has been a few days since he attempted to rip me a new one for my behavior.
“Coach,” I bark down the line the second the call connects.
“Cole, how are you doing?”
“Uh… yeah, you know.” He doesn't, but what exactly am I meant to say?
“Good, good. Listen, I have some good news for you.”
“Oh yeah?” I say, but I don’t think it’s with the enthusiasm he was expecting.
“I’ve just got off the phone with a scout from Colton U.” I sit a little straighter as his words register in my brain. “They’re interested in you next year.”
“For real?” Colton U has a pretty incredible team, although it’s in state and I was hoping I might be able to get a little further afield.
Although… my thoughts wander to Hadley and our baby.
Our baby.
It’s the first time I think of the huge elephant between us as that.
Fuck.
My heart begins to race as I start to picture what our future could look like. Am I capable of something as normal as that?
“Yeah, for real,” he mocks. “He wants to know if you’d be up for going to have a look around, meet him, see the team perform in a few weeks?”
“Uh…”
“This could be the break you need, Cole. This could be the beginning of the future you want.”
Something starts to tingle within me. Hope, maybe. It’s a weird feeling, one I’m not all that used to.
“But…”
“I know you had your sights set on moving as far away from here as possible. I know things are… unusual with James, but do you really want to move that far away from your brothers? From Hadley?”
My breathing falters at the mention of her. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that Coach didn’t know that something was going on between the two of us. It seems that gossip spreads just as quickly around Sterling Prep’s staff as it does its students.
“I don’t know,” I say on a sigh. “It might be worth a look, I guess.”
“That’s the spirit. What are Ace and Conner considering?”
“Um…” I hesitate, realizing that I have no idea. With all the bullshit that’s been swirling around us since we moved here, none of us have really had a conversation about what the future might look like for each of us. “I don’t know.”
“Well, maybe it’s time you all sat down and thought about it. You have got a bright future ahead of you, Cole. You just need to start believing in yourself and look at what’s to come, not what you’ve left behind.”
I nod despite the fact that he can’t see me.
“Think about it, yeah?”
“I-I will. Thank you.”
“Any time, Cole. Take a few days off to recharge, think about how you want your future to look, and we’ll talk about this again next week.”
“Okay, sounds good.”
“Happy Thanksgiving, Cole. Try to enjoy it.”
“You too, Coach. T-thank you,” I say again, needing him to know that, although he drives me crazy riding my ass, I appreciate the time he’s taken out of his life to try to fix me. It’s more than most have.
As I lower my phone, thoughts of my future have me pulling it back up once again. I open my photo app and scroll through the couple of photos I have of Hadley and me together. I’m even smiling in a few of them. I look… different. I look almost happy.
Locking my cell, I shove it into my pocket and pick the bottle back up. I don’t deserve her. She’s destined for great things, not to be stuck with a fuck-up like me. My child doesn’t deserve to be stuck with me.
No matter how much I might crave her, how much my darkness needs the light she brings into my life, I care enough about her to know that I need to let her go, no matter how much it might kill me.
I spend most of the night down on the beach. I expect someone to come and find me eventually, but as the sun begins to rise over the horizon, I’m still alone.
I can only assume that Remi and Conner succeeded in their mission to get Hadley to spend the holiday with us, and the thought of walking into the house and finding her making herself at home is almost enough to stop me returning. But I know I can’t hide forever.
Somehow, I need to figure out how both of us are going to continue forward with our lives interlaced as they are.
With the empty bottle in my hand and the sun rising behind me, I make my way home. Ellen is already potte
ring around in the kitchen, but I don’t go in to see what she’s doing. Instead, I head straight upstairs.
The guest room door is closed when I get to the top, and my heart jumps into my throat. She’s in there. I can feel it.
My fingers flex, my need to push it open and to find out if I’m right almost getting the better of me.
I’m still hovering when a door opens behind me and a sleepy looking Conner stumbles out of his room with his hair all over the place and wearing only a pair of boxers.
“Mornin’,” he mutters, heading straight for the bathroom. He doesn’t close the door behind him. Instead just stands there in front of me while he takes a piss.
“Are you going to do the right thing at last?” he asks, looking between me and the closed door.
“I am doing the right thing.” Spinning on my heel, I push my own bedroom door open and quietly close it before falling back against it.
Every muscle in my body aches to go and find her. To crawl into bed with her and feel her warm skin against my own.
But I can’t.
I’ve already caused her enough pain.
I can’t do it anymore.
For the first time in my life, I’m going to put someone else first and do the right thing.
Even if it kills me.
Chapter Eleven
Hadley
I shouldn’t have come here.
But when Conner found out I was staying on campus alone over Thanksgiving, he invited me to join the Jaggers for the weekend.
I’d said no, of course, but then he called Remi and the two of them had persisted until I’d finally caved.
I didn’t really want to be alone, but now I’m here, hiding in the Jaggers’ guest room, and Cole is avoiding me.
He’s done the same all week, barely looking twice in my direction and dodging me at every turn. He missed all our shared classes, and if he saw me in the hall, he doubled back and went the other way.
My family doesn’t want me.
Cole doesn’t want me.
And I’m stuck spending Thanksgiving with a family I don’t belong to... and probably never will.
Heavy footsteps in the hall catch my attention, and I hold my breath. I don’t know how I know, but I know it’s Cole. I sense him. Feel his pain and torment through the door.
The footsteps slow, making my pulse speed up. I can imagine him on the other side of the door, at war with himself over whether to barge inside or walk right on by.
My heart sinks when the footsteps keep going. He’s digging his feet in and staying true to his stubborn nature.
I let out a heavy sigh. Today we have to face each other. We have to sit at the table with his family and say thanks for all the things we’re grateful for.
It’s a disaster waiting to happen.
Cole hates James, and he resents his brothers for accepting the truth that James is their father. A father who abandoned them, leaving them with a junkie mom and a deadbeat dad.
And as much as it hurts to admit, he doesn’t want me here.
I throw back the sheets and swing my legs over the edge of the bed. The lingering nausea slams into me and I take a deep breath, trying to keep the little bit of food I ate yesterday inside.
When it passes, I slip into the small bathroom attached to the Jaggers’ guest room and clean up.
Remi is waiting for me when I reappear.
“I hope you don’t mind. I wanted to see how you are?” Hurt shines in her eyes, and I hate that I put it there.
“I’m sorry for shutting you out, I just...”
“Hey,” she comes over to me, reaching for my hand, “it’s okay. You’re going through something huge. I just want you to know I’m here for you, whatever you decide.”
I wince at the suggestion in her tone, as if there is any other option besides keeping the baby.
“Everyone is downstairs waiting.”
“Everyone?” My brow lifts, because I know Cole won’t be there.
“Give him time.” Remi offers me a sad smile.
“Yeah,” I say, because I don’t want to make this any more awkward than it already is.
But the truth is, I’m not sure time will fix any of this.
Cole isn’t ready to be a father, and if—when—my parents find out about this, they will cut me off for good. Goodbye trust fund, goodbye any hopes of a secure future.
Tears pool in my eyes.
“Hey,” Remi says, pulling me into her arms. “It’ll be okay, Hads.”
I wish I could believe her.
It’s strange, watching the Jaggers celebrate Thanksgiving. Remi’s mom, Sarah, wears a permanent smile as she helps Ellen prepare the food. The two of them laugh and joke, acting as if nothing is wrong. But it occurs to me that maybe they’re just used to the tense atmosphere hanging over us as we all take our seats at the table. It’s beautiful, adorned with dried flower arrangements and deep gold place settings, and taking centerstage is a turkey big enough to feed a family of twelve. Although, with Conner’s never-ending appetite, I’m hardly surprised they went big.
“This looks amazing, Sarah and Ellen. Thank you,” James says, taking his seat at the head of the table.
I hover, unsure of where to put myself, but a hand lands on my shoulder, urging me to an empty chair. I glance back to find Conner grinning at me. “Happy Thanksgiving, Hadley,” he says.
“Yeah, you too.” I manage a weak smile.
Ace and Remi sit opposite us with Sarah between them and James, leaving an empty chair beside me for Cole. But there’s no sign of him.
“Did you talk to him?” James asks Conner, who nods.
“He’s—”
Silence falls over the table as Cole stalks into the room. He looks like shit, his eyes bloodshot and skin sallow.
“Thank you,” James says as Sarah pats his hand, something akin to relief glittering in her eyes.
Remi’s mom is cool. The way she’s accepted Cole and his brothers and all that comes with loving a Jagger… Not to mention the fact Ace and Remi are as good as step-siblings. But nothing was going to tear them apart, not James or Sarah. I envy the way they support their kids. Something tells me there isn’t much they wouldn’t forgive.
That’s how it’s supposed to be, isn’t it? A parent should love their child unconditionally.
Not mine, though.
They cast me aside the second I stepped out of line. Emotion threatens to cripple me, so I reach for the jug of water and pour myself a glass, drinking it down.
“Cole,” Sarah says. “Are you joining us?”
He’s just standing there, staring at us like we’re everything that’s wrong with the world.
“Col—” Ace starts, but he finally moves, taking his seat beside me. I risk peeking up at him, but his eyes are set ahead, staring at nothing.
“Okay, then. I can now declare this meal open,” James jokes, clearing his throat when no one but Sarah laughs. “I know this is new, for all of us. But I just wanted to take this opportunity to say I’m thankful for this. I realize I have made mistakes and I have a lot to make up for, but the fact that you’re here, where you belong…” He runs his eyes over each of his sons. “Well, it’s more than I could have ever hoped for.
“Now, I don’t want to put you all on the spot, but would anyone else like to say what they’re thankful for?”
Ace glances at Conner, who glances at Cole.
“Maybe I should go first,” Remi’s mom says, beaming over at James. “I’m thankful for family. For my beautiful daughter.” She gazes warmly at Remi, who blushes and grumbles, “Mom.”
“I’m sorry I embarrass you, sweetheart, but it’s true. I know I haven’t always been the mom you need or deserve, but I’m so proud of the young woman you’ve become.”
“Thank you.”
“She is pretty awesome,” Conner smirks, and everyone chuckles.
Everyone except me and Cole. He’s silent and still beside me, a dark, angry thundercloud over what sh
ould be a happy occasion.
“What about you, Conner? What are you thankful for?”
“Me?” He balks, as if he can’t believe Sarah cares. And my heart aches, thinking that this could be the first time they’ve had a proper Thanksgiving.
As shitty my parents have been to me, I can’t say I had a bad childhood.
I didn’t.
I was doted on, given everything a girl could ever want. We always celebrated holidays as a family, usually with the other founding families of Gravestone County.
“I’m grateful for Ellen and her amazing skills in the kitchen. You should totally give her a raise.” He winks at James.
“Anything else?” Sarah prompts.
“I’m grateful that we’re here.”
Cole stiffens beside me, his anger palpable.
“I’m grateful that we’re not eating microwave meals, celebrating Thanksgiving like it’s just another day.”
Sarah stifles a sniffle and James pats her hand. “Ace, would you like to go?”
He runs a hand down his face. “I’m thankful for Remi.” The way he looks at her twists my stomach.
“I love you,” she mouths.
“Cole, what about you?”
The air crackles as we wait. He’s so still, so quiet, that for a second, I think he’s going to answer. But then his chair flies backward and he leaps up.
“I can’t do this.”
“Cole, Son, please—”
But Cole takes off, all but running from the room.
“I’m sorry,” Sarah says. “I shouldn’t have—”
“It’s not your fault,” James says, staring longingly at the door his son just flew through.
“I’ll go talk to him.” Ace starts to get up, but I stand quickly.
“I’ll go.”
“Hadley, I’m not sure that’s—
“I’ll be okay,” I say to him, careful to avoid James’ and Sarah’s heavy stares.
I’m not sure what they know about Cole and me, but I can’t not go after him.
Without another word, I excuse myself and take off toward the kitchen where Cole headed.