by Caitlyn Dare
My eyes narrow on the door, wondering what she’s up to, but I don’t get to wonder for long because her cell pings once again.
I know I shouldn’t do it, but before I can even attempt to talk myself out of it, my hand is in her purse and my fingers wrap around her cell.
Chapter Nineteen
Hadley
The second I step back into the bedroom, I know something is wrong.
Cole is clutching my cell phone like it's a ticking time bomb.
“Cole?” I frown. “W-what’s wrong?” I ask, because I want to believe he wouldn’t snoop through my messages. I want to believe he trusts me enough to let me tell him my secrets when I’m ready.
But I know...
From the dark cloud hovering over him, I just know he’s seen something.
“He’s been texting you?” His icy tone sends chills through me.
The ground disappears from beneath my feet, and I wrap an arm around my waist to hold myself together. “It’s not what you think.” I inch closer.
“No? So you’re telling me that fucker Timmy hasn’t been sending you messages begging for you to talk to him?” He stands, a menacing shadow looming over me.
His eyes finally flicker to my body, noticing the silky babydoll I’m wearing. It was supposed to be a surprise. I wanted to wear something sexy for him. But he’s staring at me like I’m the devil incarnate... like he hates me.
Oh, Cole.
I let out a weary sigh. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry. I didn’t want to ruin the weekend.”
A weekend that had, until now, been perfect in every way.
“You’ve been texting him?” His eyes glitter dangerously as he prowls toward me. I stand my ground. Just because things have been good recently, doesn’t mean I don’t know Cole is always one breath away from blowing up. His darkness will always be there, lingering beneath the surface just waiting to break free.
Craning my neck to look into his eyes, I reach out for him. “I haven’t even replied to the last few.”
He snags my hand before it touches his face. “Few? You mean there’s more?” he grits out, his body vibrating with anger.
I suck in a shaky breath. “He’s been texting me for a while,” I admit because there’s no use trying to withhold the truth now he knows. “I told him to stop and he did, for a little bit, but he just started again.”
Cole knocks me back into the wall, slamming his hand beside my head. “All this time you’ve been texting him?”
“He’s been texting me, Cole. Not the other way around.” I keep my voice even, knowing that if I argue, if I say the wrong thing, it’ll only make it worse.
His hand flies to my throat. Pinning me in place, Cole gets right in my face. “You played me, Little Dove. All this time you told me it was me you wanted, me you loved...”
“I do love you. I love you so much.”
“Enough to lie to me?”
“I didn’t lie. I just omitted the truth. But yeah, I’d lie to you if I thought it would protect you, if I thought it would prevent... this.”
I can already feel the wall growing between us. Cole is pulling away. He’s shielding himself from me, and I hate it.
Maybe you should have told him, a little voice whispers, but I ignore it.
Telling him would have only resulted in the same reaction, or worse.
“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I knew it would only make you angry. Tim is no one to me. I told him to stop texting and then I deleted his message. Just like I delete every message he sends.”
“Do you still want him?” Cole asks icily, his fingers squeezing harder. Not hard enough that I can’t breathe, but hard enough that it hurts. Tears sting my eyes.
“Cole, please, I didn’t—”
“I trusted you. I trusted you, Dove, and this... this is how you repay me?” he spits.
“You want to hurt me.”
Cole’s eyes flicker with surprise.
“You do, don’t you? You want to hurt me. So do it. Do it, Cole,” I snap, “because I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I didn’t lie, and I didn’t cheat. But I can’t control what other people do. Yes, Tim texted me. Yes, I replied, but only to tell him never to message me again. I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d act like this. I knew it would ruin the shaky trust we’ve built, and I’m sorry.”
“You drive me in-fucking-sane.” His teeth grind together. “And you’re right, I want to hurt you. I want to punish you for lying to me, for betraying me.” Cole presses his brow against mine, so hard my head bangs the wall. But I don’t whimper. I don’t even flinch.
Cole was never taught how to love, how to deal with his emotions. He needs this, the way a child needs to throw a tantrum to get their point across.
So long as he comes back to me, so long as after he’s doled out whatever punishment he thinks I deserve, Cole lets it go, I can deal.
I have to.
Because loving a boy with darkness in his soul requires a certain kind of love back.
His eyes burn into mine, dark and angry and volatile. I feel his body tremble as I gingerly fist his hoodie. “Make. It. Hurt.”
“Fuck...” he hisses sharply. “You don’t know what you’re asking for.”
“Yeah, I do. You need this, Cole.”
“I-I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Yes, you do.”
He needs the control, the sense of power. And I just need him.
It’s a dangerous combination.
“Cole—”
“Shut up,” he growls. “Just shut up.”
I’m completely caged against the wall, his body pressed up on me, his hand still around my throat. Yet, I wouldn’t choose to be anywhere else.
I love Cole, and, deep down, I know he loves me. He wants to hurt me because I hurt him.
“Get on the bed. Face down, ass up.”
Shivers skitter down my spine, making my stomach clench.
He releases me and I slide down the wall before shouldering past him and walking over to the bed. His hungry gaze follows me. It’s a heady place to be, knowing I hold the power to unravel Cole.
“On the bed,” he snaps.
My knees hit the mattress as I crawl forward. He sucks in a sharp breath, and I know he’s realized I’m not wearing any panties.
I look over my shoulder, watching as he undresses. Hoodie and t-shirt, boots, jeans. He’s so beautiful it hurts. Our eyes collide, and I flinch at the hatred there.
Cole loves me, I don’t doubt that, but in this moment, he hates me. Maybe even hates himself.
“Hands flat on the mattress, head down, and don’t fucking move.”
My breath hitches at the dominance in his voice, and I brace myself for whatever he has in store.
Everything grows quiet, making the hairs along the back of my neck stand at attention. Without warning, his hand comes down hard on my bare ass, making me yelp. Cole grabs the flesh, squeezing hard enough to leave finger marks.
“The things I want to do to you, Dove.”
I swallow the tears burning my throat, focusing only on the need coursing through my veins.
Cole leans over me, dragging his hard cock through my ass cheeks. “Ready to play?” he breathes against my spine, and a full body shudder rips through me.
He withdraws, leaving me cold. The silent anticipation heightens every sense. I can taste lust on my tongue and hear my heart pounding in my chest.
I gasp when something cool connects with the bottom of my spine.
“Stay still, Dove.” The sound of my new babydoll tearing fills the air, and I don’t need to turn around to know he’s slicing it apart with his knife. Cole covers my body again, letting the flat of the knife drift over my collarbone. I gulp, barely able to breathe.
His hand snaps around my throat and he yanks me up so I’m on my knees, my back to his chest.
“Do you have any idea the lengths I would go to for you? You’re mine, Hadley. M
ine,” he growls. “But maybe you need a reminder.” Dragging the tip of the knife down my chest, he circles my nipple. Pleasure drenches every nerve ending. Something so dangerous shouldn’t feel so good. But it does.
“C-Cole,” I whimper, needing more.
“Such a bad girl.” He twists my face and kisses me hard, overpowering me with his tongue and teeth. Pain lances through my chest and I tear away from him, watching through wide eyes as he carves the letter C into the curve of my breast.
“Now everyone will know who you belong to.”
Blood seeps from the small cut, and I lift my eyes back to his.
“If he ever comes near you, I will kill him.”
It’s a promise.
One he seals with a bruising kiss while smearing his fingers in the blood and rubbing it over my nipple.
“You’re crazy,” I say, breathless.
“Crazy for you. Only ever you. Now hold on, Dove, I’m going to fuck you until you remember who you belong to.” Cole grabs the back of my neck and forces me down. The bloodstained knife lands on the bed beside me and then his hands are gripping my hips as he slams deep inside me.
I cry out, over and over, as he rides my body hard and fast, giving me no time to catch my breath. But this isn’t about my pleasure, it’s about his. His hands are cruel, squeezing and pinching, and his thrusts are sharp and deadly, not quite reaching that place I need him.
“Cole, please...” I beg, trying to rock back against him to ease the building ache inside me.
“You lied to me, Dove. Now you have to pay.” He pulls out of me and slides back in. It feels so good... but it isn’t enough. My orgasm hovers just out of reach.
Cole is relentless, pounding into me like I’m nothing more than a warm, willing body.
And maybe I am.
Maybe the brokenness in me needs this as much as the darkness in him needs it.
Cole changes the angle, grinding into me and finally giving me what I need. Pleasure builds deep in my stomach, making me pant. I’m almost there, ready to fall headfirst in the sensations rippling through me. But at the last second, Cole pulls out, groaning loudly as he spurts hot jets of cum all over my ass and pussy.
“For real?” I hiss, glancing over at him.
He lifts a brow and shrugs. “Now we’re even.”
“Even?” I gasp, because what the actual fuck?
He chuckles darkly as he climbs off the bed and scoops up his t-shirt, throwing it at me.
I clean myself up, shame burning through me. “You’re a real piece of work, you know that?” I pull the rumpled bed sheet around my body as I stand.
“Takes one to know one.”
“Seriously? I already told you I didn’t text Tim back, except for telling him to leave me alone. If I thought my parents wouldn’t turn up asking questions, I’d change my number. But I don’t want them sniffing around.” Tears pool in the corners of my eyes. “I just let you...” The words get stuck in my throat as emotion crashes over me.
I’m a mess. Emotionally and physically.
I have a C carved into my chest and bruise marks on my hips, and Cole is standing there like it means nothing.
“I love you, Cole, I do. But sometimes you’re a clueless fucking idiot.” I storm into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it before I let the tears fall.
Chapter Twenty
Cole
I stand, staring at the bathroom door as a truckload of shame and regret slams into me.
“Hadley,” I breathe, reaching out as if I’m going to open the door, but I know it’s the wrong thing to do.
She told me to hurt her, but I took it too far. Even I know that.
“Fuuuuuck,” I cry out, my hands going to my hair and pulling until it hurts. But I already know it’s not going to cause me anywhere near as much pain as I just caused Hadley.
Finding my discarded clothes, I pull on my boxers and pants before walking over to the door.
I press my ear against the wood, and the most heartbreaking sound fills my ears. Hadley’s sobs. Something inside my chest cracks wide open.
I did that.
I caused that pain.
My fists curl at my sides, my nails digging into my skin. “Hadley,” I call out, my voice soft, the anger that was within it only minutes ago long forgotten.
Silence greets me.
The terrified, traumatized look on her face as she ran from the bathroom banished the fury that exploded within me at discovering she’s been texting him.
I saw red. The thought of her being taken away from me after everything we’ve been through. The image of her running back to her old life, the wealth, the privilege, fuck, even now it sends a shot of anger and desperation straight through me.
“Hadley, please. I’m s-sorry. I went too far. I’m sorry.”
The silent seconds tick by before her shaky voice filters through the door.
“Just go, Cole.”
“Go?” I ask, shocked by her request, although really, after what went down, I shouldn’t be. I don’t really want to be with myself right now, so I can’t imagine how she feels. “Go where?”
“I don’t care. Just… just away from m-me.” Her voice cracks, making my chest ache.
Dropping my forehead to the door, I drag in two deep lungfuls of air as I try to get my head together.
“Hadley, please. Just come out, talk to me. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not enough, Cole. Just leave.”
“Fuck,” I bark, slamming my fist down on the door. Her scared shriek comes through, and I curse myself once more for fucking this up.
I shouldn’t have looked. I knew that before I did it. I should have trusted her. Trusted her to do the right thing, to tell me when she was ready. I should have believed that when she told me she loved me that she meant it.
But I didn’t. I shattered all of that with one bad decision and my need to make her hurt like I hurt.
Pushing from the door, I shove my feet into my boots and pull my hoodie on.
“This isn’t over, Hadley. You can’t hide in there forever.” My warning hangs heavy in the room for a beat, but when she doesn’t respond, I wrench the door open and storm through it.
I’m out of the hotel and halfway down the street before I so much as look up. My head spins, my chest aches while her scent continues to taunt me.
My fingers twitch to feel a bottle, and my body craves the mind-numbing bliss I find at the bottom of one. I look down the street, searching for somewhere I can get something.
There’s a blue neon sign for a store up ahead. I have no idea what the store is, but I go that way. I need to forget the last thirty minutes of my life. I need to push aside what a total fuck-up I am.
Hadley deserves better than me. I’ve said this from the beginning. I’ve tried to tell her, show her, but she’s always fought back.
Until tonight.
The doors to the store open as I walk up to them and make my way directly to the back, knowing that what I need will be waiting there for me.
My mouth waters to feel the burn of the vodka—hell, whatever I can get my hands on—but as I come to a stop in front of the bottles. I pause.
Tipping my head up to the ceiling, I close my eyes for a beat.
I can’t do this.
If I turn to alcohol right now, what is that showing Hadley? It just proves I’ve been right all along.
“Fuck,” I breathe, looking forward once more and backing away from the bottles that call to me.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” I mutter when I back right up into someone, causing them to drop whatever was in their hands. Packets fall to the floor, but I don’t hang around long enough to help out.
Coming to a stop at the counter, I find more alcohol tempting me from the top shelf. I should have brought some weed. The pills I hide at the back of my nightstand for when I’m desperate. But I didn’t. I came here with my ultimate addiction. I didn’t think I’d need another.
Thoughts of Hadley
still locked in the bathroom hit me, and before I know what I’m doing I’ve got a packet of smokes and a lighter in my hand and I’m ripping off the cellophane as I walk out of the store.
I hate smoking. I might be more than willing to get fucked up on every other kind of drug, but smoking is different. It doesn’t take me away from anything. It doesn’t dull my pain.
But right now, while I force myself away from the lure of vodka, it’s going to have to do.
I need to do something. My fingers need to be busy. I need to feel that burn.
Finding a small park, I fall down onto the cold, damp grass and lie back. The smoke plumes above me as I chain smoke cigarette after cigarette.
They do nothing. Abso-fucking-lutley nothing.
My body craves more. But I can’t.
I can’t give into the darkness.
I need to prove that I can fight it. That I can be a decent human being.
The last thing Hadley needs tonight is for me to turn back up to our room strung out on something because I can’t deal with the consequences of what I did to her.
I squeeze my eyes shut as the image of her with blood running down her chest slams into me.
I cut her. I fucking carved into her flawless skin like a selfish motherfucker in my need to own her.
No girl should have to deal with that level of fucked-up.
Especially not when she’s… fuck… pregnant.
I sit up, my chest heaving as realization washes through me.
What if I hurt…
I drop my head into my hands.
I’m so lost. So fucking lost. I have no idea which way is up or what I can even attempt to do to fix it. Can it even be fixed?
Blowing out a breath, I dig into my pocket for my cell.
My thumb hovers over Hadley’s number. My need to know that she’s okay almost has me attempting to call her, but I know it’s pointless. She wouldn’t pick up even if there was a problem.
It makes me question why I did as she said and walked out. I should have waited, proved to her that I was in this for good, that I was sorry I lost control.