by Caitlyn Dare
And I have to believe there’s something better out there for me.
Java Beans is a popular spot with the elite of Sterling Bay. The place is full of immaculately dressed couples looking to sample one of the nine specialty coffees, young professionals meeting after a long day at the office, and even a student or two, huddled over their laptops while sipping on their iced mochas.
Hilary, the owner, spent an hour with me earlier showing me the ropes, but since it’s getting quieter, I’ve been going at it alone for the last thirty minutes. Delivering orders, collecting empties, wiping down tables, and straightening furniture. It’s all fairly simple stuff, until I learn the cash register next week. But keeping myself busy, having something new to think about, is a good thing. It takes my mind off the constant heartache.
“Easy, right?” She winks as I shoulder the swing door to drop off a tray of used mugs.
“I think I’m getting the hang of it.”
“Yeah, you are. Me and Jeb are very impressed.”
Jeb is the twenty-something guy working the cash register.
“Valerie was right about you.”
“Thank you.” I manage a small smile.
“It’ll get quieter from here on out. Jeb will run you through the closing down procedures. I’ll be in the office doing the accounts, okay?”
“Sure thing.” I wipe my hands on a towel before going back out front.
Java Beans is the kind of place you instantly feel at home. All the furniture is one-off pieces, tub chairs, and armchairs, soft velvet couches, and plenty of cushions and blankets. The decor is bright and airy and the counters and display cabinets, showcasing Hilary’s homemade cakes, are an elegant mix of glass and gold. It’s really something, and I easily lose myself in cleaning up after the last few customers.
I linger by the cash register while Jeb empties and wipes down the coffee machine.
“We do this every night,” he says, “but you’ll soon get used to it.”
Jeb isn’t much of a talker, so I don’t push. I’m just happy to be here, taking the first step to my newfound independence.
This is a good thing.
Cole will get better and go off to Colton U, and I’ll leave California behind. And we’ll both find ourselves. Find happiness. But no matter how much I tell myself that, it doesn’t stop the knot in my stomach every time I think of him, lying there in that hospital bed.
Twenty minutes later, and we’re almost done.
“Okay, Hadley, so I’ve got you down for tomorrow afternoon, two until six, and then we’ll figure out your regular shifts.”
“Sounds good. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I go to leave, but Hilary calls after me.
“Almost forgot,” she says, thrusting an envelope at me. “Tips.” I take it with a smile.
“Thank you.”
The second I’m outside, I peek inside, hardly able to believe my eyes when I count fifty dollars.
“That good, huh?” a voice asks, startling me.
I look up to find Ace and Remi standing next to her car.
“What are you guys doing here?” I stuff the envelope in my purse.
“We wanted to celebrate your new job.” Remi comes over and, surprising me, pulls me into her arms. “I’m proud of you,” she whispers.
“It’s only a coffee shop.”
“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.” She gives me a pointed look.
“We were hoping to get a free coffee,” Ace says, “but I guess we’ll have to wait until your next shift.”
“Babe.” Remi bats his chest. “Behave.”
“Joke. I was joking. Jesus,” he mumbles.
“You seriously came to see me?”
“And to see if you need a ride back to the dorms?”
“Did Conner send you?” My brows furrow. I expect this kind of thing from him, but from Ace and Remi... I don’t know what to say.
“No, he didn’t send us.” Remi looks mildly offended. “We wanted to come.”
“Thank you.”
“We were thinking we could go get something to eat, if you’re hungry? Ace knows this great little place on the edge of town.”
“I don’t know, I’d planned on heading back to the dorms and watching a movie.”
“Oh, come on. We haven’t hung out properly in forever.”
“I can take off and leave you two girls to do your thing.”
“No,” I say. “You don’t need to do that. We can all go eat.”
Remi is happy. She got her happy ending, I can’t resent her for that. She deserves it. They both do.
“Yay.” She laces her arm through mine. “It’ll be great, you’ll see.”
Dinner with Ace and Remi isn’t as half as bad as I thought. He’s his usual quiet self, happy to let Remi do all the talking. She even eats from his plate, choosing his bacon and cheese fries over her own. They’re so in sync it’s fascinating to watch. He tracks her every move, and she gravitates to him like they’re magnets.
And I realize maybe they are.
Maybe they have found the other half to their souls.
I can’t shake the sadness I feel. But I’m okay. It’s just hard seeing what I could have had with Cole.
“I’m going to take a piss.” Ace shoves out of the booth and disappears toward the back of the diner. Remi watches him go, lust glittering in her eyes.
“Down, girl.” I muster a smile.
“Sometimes I have to pinch myself that he’s mine.”
My expression falls and she blanches. “Crap, me and my big mouth.”
“It’s okay. You’re happy. We don’t all need to be miserable.”
“Have you spoken to him?”
“You know I haven’t.”
“You could always call—”
“No, I couldn’t.”
“He’s doing better. I mean, he’s still Cole, but I think he knows he really screwed up.”
“It was a cry for help, Remi.”
“Yeah, I know.” But it could have ended so differently. If Conner hadn’t found him, Cole could have—
I stop myself from going there.
“Did Conner tell you about the party tomorrow?”
“Yes, and I told him I think it’s a bad idea. Cole doesn’t need to be around that right now.”
“It’s not going to be anything crazy, just a few of their friends from the Heights. And James is going to be there.”
“He is?” I find that hard to believe.
“Well, I imagine he and my mom will make themselves scarce, but yeah, they’re not going anywhere.”
“That’s good. He needs a good support network. He needs to know he’s not alone.”
“You still care.” Sadness washes over Remi’s expression.
“Of course I still care.” I probably always will.
“So fight, Hadley. Fight for him.” She reaches across the table and grabs my hand. “Show Cole that you’re not going anywhere. He’s going to try, Hadley. He knows he’s got too much to lose. He needs you, you know he does.”
The desperation in her eyes guts me. I want to tell her I’ll fight, that I’ll stand by his side and help him deal with everything.
But the truth is, I don’t think I have anything left to give.
Chapter Thirty
Cole
Our game against the Heights was about the only thing I’d been looking forward to when we were dragged here by James all those months ago, and now I’m going to have to sit on the sidelines and watch the two rival teams battle it out.
I should be up there. I should be part of my team.
My team. I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve ever referred to the Seahawks as that. But I guess it’s what they are. I’ve been playing for them all season, and fuck if I don’t want them to beat the Sabers.
I glance to my left to find Conner intently watching the game, before finding Ace and Remi on the other side of me.
As glad as I am to be out of the house and doing som
ething normal once again. I can’t miss the huge void right now.
Hadley should be here.
Even if she doesn’t want to talk to me, she shouldn’t miss this game just because of me.
The crowd around me roars in delight as Aaron makes a touchdown, putting us ahead, but I still struggle to really get into it.
I miss her. Really fucking miss her.
I’d hoped that talking about her with Faye might help me put things into perspective. I didn’t need her to tell me that the times Hadley and I spent together weren’t always healthy. It doesn't take a shrink to figure that out. But it was us. It was our brand of fucked-up, and it worked for us.
What’s really not working right now is her avoiding me and things that might involve me.
“Did you ask Hads about tonight?” I ask, leaning over to Conner so he can hear me.
He glances over and my heart sinks. He doesn’t need to say the words, I can see the answer in his eyes.
A part of me hates him right now. I know he’s been hanging out with her. I don’t need his silence to tell me that, or the fact that he often returns smelling like her perfume.
I know nothing is going on.
I trust him more than I do myself most days.
Part of me can’t help thinking that she’d be better off with him anyway. But I know that’s not what it is between them. Conner’s just doing what he does and looking after everyone around him. He’s always been the same, especially when it comes to girls. He finds a broken one and spends all his time trying to fix her. He just always gets sidelined as the best friend, and I feel for him. He jokes about the nice guy always finishing last, and I can’t help but agree with him, because so far, he has come last.
“I’m sorry, bro. I really tried.”
I fight to keep the words in, but it’s futile. “Try again. Please. I really need to see her.”
He nods at me as another round of cheers erupt around us and our eyes are forced back to the field.
The Sabers weren’t meant to get this far, let alone hold their own against us. I have no idea what’s changed this year. Maybe Nate Jenner, their captain, was right, and he did have the skills to take them all the way. It certainly wasn’t the case when I was there.
It’s a close game, but by the time the whistle blows the Seahawks take the win. The crowd goes crazy, celebrating the fact that we just secured our place in the championship game. While everyone around me is on their feet, screaming for their beloved Seahawks, I sit back and watch.
Every member of the team runs at Aaron until he vanishes under a pile of bodies, whereas the Sabers try to console each other. Nate, on the other hand, launches his helmet to the ground in frustration before storming past the rest of his team and disappearing toward the locker room. His guys watch, but no one is fast to follow him. They all know what his temper is like. I wouldn’t want to be on the wrong end of him right now, that’s for sure.
As the cheering begins to die down, I turn to Conner. Only, the seat he was in only minutes ago is empty.
Reaching over, I slap Ace’s shoulder. “Where’d he go?” I shout.
“No fucking clue. You’re in the fucking finals, man.” His hand clamps down on my shoulder in celebration.
“Can’t say I had a lot to do with it,” I mutter.
“You were part of getting them here. You deserve to celebrate tonight as much as anyone.” He pales at the suggestion of celebrating.
“Soda only,” I grimace, “I got the memo, don’t worry.”
Ace soon shot down any possibility of us going to the party tonight. I told him that I could handle it, but he point-blank refused and instead arranged for some of the Heights guys to come back to James’ to catch-up.
I can’t say I’m all that bothered. There’s nothing all that special about a Bay party. Unless Had’s is there to lock myself in a bedroom with.
I bite down on my cheek as I think about the first time I got inside her. Fuck, that was hot.
My cock swells at the memory of her tied to that bed, writhing for me where she was so desperate.
Reaching down, I rearrange myself.
I might have promised everyone that I’ll stay sober tonight, and that’s fine. I can deal with that. But I could really do with getting fucking laid.
I’m having major withdrawals from my one hardcore addiction. Not even being able to see her, hear her, is driving me fucking crazy. It’s why I demanded that Conner get her to our place tonight. I just need to fucking see her. To know that she’s okay, that she’s dealing with all of this.
That unread message still taunts me on my cell. Time and time again I’ve gone to send another. But what’s the point? It’ll just be another one that gets ignored.
Thoughts of her texting that fucker Tim back torment me. Why did she reply to him, yet she won’t me?
My fists clench at my sides. I hate myself for getting worked up over this. I need to stay calm. The last thing I need is for things to get out of control the first time I do see her, and I ruin everything all over again.
I need to do better. I need to be better, for her.
Seeing as Conner has fucked off with his car, I’m forced to hang around with Ace and Remi to wait for the Heights’ lot to emerge from the locker rooms.
A few of them who were in the crowd come over to talk to Ace, but I keep myself hidden in the shadows, not wanting the endless questions about why I didn’t play tonight.
Before long, Nate, Levi and Jayden walk our way with a few others behind them.
“Ace, my man,” Nate shouts, pulling him in for a hug and slamming his fists down on his back. “How’s life of wealth and privilege? Looks like it’s doing you good.” He turns to Remi and runs his eyes down her body.
Ace’s shoulders tense, before his palm connects with Nate’s shoulder.
“Eyes elsewhere, motherfucker.”
“All right, keep your panties on. Fuck. You’ve changed, man.”
I step from the shadows before Nate says something he might regret.
“Ah, here he is. Football’s gift to the Sterling Seahawks,” Nate announces. Ace has already prepped them on what’s going on with me in the hope we can have a night without having to talk about it.
“Nate, how’s it going, man? Jay, Levi.” I nod at my two old teammates before they stick their fists out for me.
“What are we waiting for? We’re ready for our repeat trip to the palace,” Nate jokes.
It seems like a lifetime ago that they all turned up for Ace’s party when we first arrived. The house was fucking trashed that night, yet James totally let it go. Maybe I should have figured back then that he wasn’t so bad.
I shrug the thoughts off. Things have changed a lot since then. Hell, one look at Ace with Remi cuddled into his side says everything.
“Where the hell is Conner?” Remi asks, looking around when I join her and Ace at her car for the trip back to the house.
“Fuck knows, he disappeared straight after the game. Didn’t say a word.”
Ace and Remi share a look.
“What? What’s the look for? What’s he doing?”
“Nothing we need to worry about, I’m sure. Come on, get in, the soda’s waiting.”
“Ha ha. Funny.”
“Oh my God,” Remi whines, dropping her head into her hands when we pull up outside James’ house.
“She’s not really… fucking hell, she is. Your mother is so fucking clueless sometimes, Princess.”
I stare out the window to see Sarah standing at the front door, dressed to the nines waiting to invite everyone in.
“What does she think this is, a fucking tea party?” I mutter in astonishment.
“Excuse me,” Remi says, jumping from the car before it’s even stopped. We both watch as she marches up to Sarah and starts waving her arms around in frustration.
“Shall we head around the back?” The rumble of engines sounds out behind us.
“Yeah, that’s probably for the best.”
Remi joins us once she’s successfully managed to make Sarah go inside and hopefully hide for the rest of the night. I understand why they wanted to be here, even more so why they warned us about having a raging party. But that’s not what this is. Even Heighters can behave themselves sometimes. If we say it’s a quiet one, then a quiet one it is.
We direct everyone around to the backyard. Everyone pulls the chairs and loungers around the firepit that Ace immediately begins lighting while Ellen emerges with a tray of… fucking hell… appetizers.
She passes the tray around like we’re at a dinner party while a couple of the guys dump a cooler beside the chairs and start passing out beer. They hungrily clear Ellen’s tray, much to her delight, and she goes rushing off for more food.
Well, this is the weirdest fucking after game party I’ve ever been to.
A little guilt nags at me that all of this is for my benefit, but as I look around at everyone laughing and enjoying themselves, I can’t find it in me to care.
The only thing I really care about right now is that one person is missing.
Grabbing a soda from the side, I fall down into a lounger slightly away from the others and just watch as they all catch up on their lives.
It’s good. It’s nice to see some of the old guys. Conner and I saw them all at Halloween, but everyone was mostly fucked-up by the time we turned up.
Remi glances over at me, concern filling her eyes when she finds me alone with only my soda for company. She’s just about to come over when she suddenly stops, pulls her cell from her pocket and lifts it to her ear. She listens and then spins on her heels and heads around the side of the house.
I leave it a couple of minutes, telling myself it’s probably just Sarah being weird again, but when she doesn't return, my curiosity gets the better of me and I make my way around the house to see where she’s disappeared to. But as I turn the corner, I grind to a halt, hardly able to believe my eyes.
Chapter Thirty-One
Hadley
“Hmm, Hadley,” Hilary says as she wipes down the counter. “There seems to be a gorgeous boy outside, waving at you like an idiot.”