by Matt Shaw
“So how have you been?” asked Kirk, still unsure of what to do or say to comfort Kim. He knew ‘how have you been’ was a stupid question given the circumstances but he didn’t have anything else to say.
“How have I been?” replied Kim with a slight laugh in her tone of voice. She also knew ‘how have you been’ was a stupid question given the circumstances and she felt sure he could do better, “You don’t really comfort a lot of people, do you?”
“I don’t get out much,” he smiled taking full advantage of the laugh he accidentally gave Kim. “If you have any pointers as to what I’m supposed to do, I’ll be pretty grateful right about now.”
She smiled at him, “I’m sorry this is pretty new to me too.”
The smiles slowly faded from both of their faces as they realise that neither one of them was lying – they really didn’t know what to do or say.
“Did the doctors give you any painkillers, or anything?” asked Kirk finally, “I have lots in the bathroom if you need any.”
“I’m okay, thank you. I’m just a little tired.”
“I’m sorry; I’ll get you a duvet and pillow. Leave you to it.” Kirk stood up to leave the room.
“Please don’t,” said Kim, “I don’t want to be alone right now.” She knew that if she were left alone she wouldn’t sleep. She wouldn’t be able to sleep. She knew that Leon would be back in the reflections.
“Okay,” said Kirk as he sat back down.
After another brief spell of awkward silence Kim asked, “Why did you book me earlier if you didn’t want to have sex with me?”
Kirk shifted uneasily in his chair, uncomfortable with where the conversation was headed, “The advert said you provided companionship.”
“I have an advert?” asked Kim. She wondered what else Leon had set up for her. She knew of her website but she knew nothing of any other adverts, “Where is this advert?”
Again Kirk shifted in his chair and avoided her line of sight as best as he could in the small lounge, “Erm, a magazine.” Kim didn’t press him further. She didn’t need to.
“And you really didn’t want to have sex with me?” The last thing Kim wanted was sex but, from all the men she had been forced to see, she couldn’t believe that one of them was so sensitive that all he wanted was a little bit of company.
“I get lonely,” said Kirk with a tone of voice more suited to a scared little boy.
Through her obvious pain Kim couldn’t help but feel a little bit sorry for him as she wondered what sort of man would be so lonely that he felt the need to pay for a little bit of company, “Don’t you have any friends that you could call if you were lonely?”
Kirk smiled a nervous smile, “I don’t get out much.”
Kim turned her attention back to the photos that hung around the room, “Is that your wife?”
“Was,” answered Kirk abruptly, his smile vanishing from his face within an instant. When Jackie, Kim’s mum, first introduced him to Kim – he had liked her straight away but he loved Tracy. He didn’t feel comfortable with anyone talking about her. Tracy was his and he didn’t want to share her with anyone.
With the sudden character change, Kim knew she had hit a raw nerve and offered up an apology, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Its fine,” said Kirk before trying to change the subject, “listen did you want a bath or anything? It might help take away some of the aches and pains.”
“Maybe a little bit later, thank you.” Kim wasn’t in a hurry now. There was no point in her trying to get out and raise more money. Even if she felt good, and safe, enough to walk the streets for more clients – she knew that she had run out of time. She had already decided that it would be a good idea to try and lay low with Kirk for as long as he permitted her to and then, when she felt well enough, she would try and make a run for it with the money she had managed to get together. When Kirk said that the lady in the picture was his wife, Kim felt a wave of relief rush through her body. If the lady was still his wife it would have undoubtedly meant that she couldn’t stay there for too long in case the wife was due to return. She smiled at Kirk hoping to take some of the newly-created tension from the room.
* * * * *
“I love you more today than I have ever loved you before and tomorrow I will love you even more than I love you today,” Kirk shook his head, “it sounds too gushy. It sounds too phoney.” He cleared his throat, “Okay, erm, how about, look Tracy we’ve been together for two years now and I can honestly say they’ve been the happiest two years of my life… Jesus – why is this so hard?” He was stood in front of the bathroom mirror in the posh restaurant where he had invited Tracy to meet him. Other than the fact that he was going to propose to her that night, it wasn’t a special occasion – she just thought he was being soppy when he phoned her up, out of the blue, and asked if she fancied a meal out so that she didn’t have to cook anything when she got in from work. Tracy had called him on his mobile; an emergency had cropped up at work and she was running a little late. Kirk didn’t mind, it gave him time to try and prepare himself. He believed you only propose to someone once in your life and he didn’t want to make a hash of it.
The hand-dryer by the bathroom door hums into life as another older gentleman dries his hands – watching Kirk practise his speech.
“You know, when I proposed to my wife, once I got the ring out she was so focused on the diamond that she didn’t hear a goddamn word I said!” said the stranger with a polite smile. “Maybe you don’t need a grand speech, keep it simple. Just a thought but you do what you feel comfortable with.”
Kirk looked at the man via the mirror’s reflection, “She can’t remember what you said?”
“Other than the fact I had asked her to marry me. No.”
Kirk thought for a while before holding the ring out in front of him, “Will you marry me?” He smiled, “I guess there is less chance of fluffing my lines too.”
“What’s her name?” asked the stranger as he walked over to admire the ring.
“Tracy.”
“Well, I wish you both the best of luck.” He nodded a nod of approval to the ring and gave Kirk a friendly pat on the shoulder, “Just don’t forget to get down on one knee – but I wouldn’t practise that in here.” He smiled and walked towards the door, “I’ll keep an eye out for the moment before sending over a bottle.”
“Thank you.”
The old man gave a final wave of his hand and walked from the bathroom. Kirk turned his attention back to his reflection and, again, held the ring up – “Tracy, will you marry me? Tracy, will you marry me? Tracy, will you marry me? Tracy, will you marry me?”
Another voice spoke out from behind a locked cubicle, “I’d try doing the whole sentence neutral…”
Kirk froze – his cheeks glowing red as another wave of embarrassment rushed through his body. Quietly he put the ring back into his jacket pocket and crept from the room.
By the time he had finished ‘practising’ his grand gesture to a room full of strangers Tracy had arrived and was waiting at the front of the restaurant. She waved over to Kirk when she spotted him and he stopped in his tracks. It was apparent from the way she was dressed that there wasn’t a work emergency to blame for her lateness. She had been home to change. Store workers don’t tend to wear long, flowing, backless satin dresses to work. The dress was a deep green colour that perfectly matched her unusually-bright green eyes. She wore matching high heels and clutched a matching purse close to her side. With her long, shining brunette hair she was a vision of pure beauty. Kirk’s heart skipped a beat as she approached him.
“You look beautiful,” he said half-stammering his words.
She smiled at him, he wasn’t normally the sort of person that dished out compliments so freely, “Just remember that when the credit card bill comes in.”
“Ah!” he said. He knew there had to be a catch but he didn’t mind. He didn’t care. He was just glad that she stood by his side for all
to see – even the older gentleman who was in the corner of the room giving a knowing smile and nudge to his wife who sat opposite him. Kirk took Tracy’s hand, “Your table awaits you.”
Kirk pulled Tracy’s chair away from the table and beckoned for her to sit, which she duly did, before sitting opposite her – still with a beaming smile on his face.
“You look great,” said Tracy admiring the black suit Kirk wore, “My very own James Bond.” Kirk smiled, it was exactly the look that he was going for. He knew she had a thing for James Bond. “So what’s the occasion?” asked Tracy as she looked around taking in the plush surroundings of the five-star restaurant.
“Am I not allowed to treat my beautiful girlfriend from time to time?” he replied being careful to refer to her as ‘girlfriend’ and not fiancée.
“No, it’s nice!”
“Mind you, had I realised you were going to go and spend a small fortune, on a new outfit, I probably would have taken you to McDonalds or somewhere similar.”
She blushed and played with her hair, something she always did when she was nervous, “Do you mind?”
“No. You look beautiful,” he said as he put his hand on top of hers from across the table. He could always get lost in her striking eyes; the brightest green you could imagine shining like a perfect emerald.
She turned away from him, “Stop it, you’re embarrassing me,” she said with a little nervous laughter although she loved the attention really.
“I’m sorry I can’t help myself.”
Tracy turned back to him, “I’m sorry I was going to wait but there’s something I need to tell you,” she said just as a waiter approached them.
“Can I get you some drinks, sir?”
“Yes, please,” said Kirk without looking away from Tracy, “can you bring over your best bottle of white wine please.”
“Actually,” interrupted Tracy as she turned to the waiter, “I’ll have an orange squash please.”
“You don’t want to join me for a glass of wine?” asked Kirk. She never normally turned the wine down – especially when he brought her to places such as this.
Tracy looked at him with the biggest smile, “I was going to wait to tell you this but I can’t. I’m sorry…”
“What is it? You’re starting to worry me now.”
Tracy took a deep breathe in, “I’m pregnant.”
Kirk didn’t respond. It was an announcement that he wasn’t expecting – one that came straight from left field and knocked him for six.
“Well say something,” said Tracy as her smile began to fade.
“I’ll give you two a couple of minutes,” said the waiter as he slowly backed away from the table unsure as to whether the female customer’s news was going to met with joy or a sudden, angry outburst.
3
“YOU’VE GONE QUIET,” SAID KIM.
Kirk had gone quiet. He hadn’t said anything for twenty minutes now – twenty minutes that seemed like a lifetime for Kim as she sat opposite his emotionless face.
“I’m fine,” he finally replied.
“You looked lost in thought. Where’d you go?”
He smiled in a vague hope it would keep her happy, “I’m just tired.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to put you out.”
“You didn’t. It’s not a problem,” he lied again as his thoughts skipped back to Tracy. When Kirk met Kim, through her mother all those years ago, he liked Kim. When she walked through the front door, earlier in the afternoon, those thoughts came crashing back to him when he realised who she was. He loved Tracy though and, whenever someone mentioned her or he was reminded of her – he couldn’t help but remember her and get lost in deep thought as his mind raced through the many happy memories they had shared. And the unhappy memory that he shared alone.
“How are you feeling now?” he asked desperately trying to think of something other than Tracy.
“I’m feeling better now I’m here. I’m just sore.”
“That bath would help.”
“I don’t want to be alone just yet. Soon.”
“Are you hungry yet?” Kirk felt as though their conversation was merely going around in circles like a broken record but he didn’t know what as he could say. Whenever he tried to talk about their past, when they knew each other, she clammed up. Whenever he asked what she had been doing – she changed the conversation to something more suiting to her and never gave an answer. Just as Tracy was a forbidden subject to discuss with Kirk it seemed, to him, that anything to do with past or present was a forbidden subject to discuss with Kim. He wasn’t exactly left with a lot of possible conversation topics that could lead to a proper chat. All he had at his disposal was small chit-chat – normally used to pass the time with complete strangers.
“Do you know what you want to do yet?” he asked hoping she may have an answer for him.
“I was wondering whether I could stay here for a couple of days, just until I feel a little bit better.”
“Won’t someone miss you? Isn’t there anyone waiting for you?” He hoped the answer would be that someone was waiting for her and she would need to get back to them. He liked having her there – he liked the company but he knew that she wouldn’t understand about Tracy. No one would. He also knew that Tracy wouldn’t understand about Kim.
“I don’t really have anyone.”
Kirk paused momentarily. He needed to press further about her past to try and make sense of what had happened to her, “What about your mum?”
Kim looked to the floor trying to hide the fact that she was upset. He didn’t like to ask but he had to.
“She’s dead,” whispered Kim. She wiped a tear from her eye.
The last time Kirk had seen Kim’s mum, Jackie, was at the foster home where he had lived when he was growing up. Jackie had run the foster home all the time that Kirk had stayed there and had seemed to be the only nice member of staff in the establishment. The fact that she was dead came as a shock to Kirk. As one of the only adults who were truly nice to him, on a day to day basis, as he was growing up he couldn’t help but show his sorrow.
“I’m sorry,” he said as he took a packet of tissues, from a coffee table, and handed them to Kim.
“Thank you,” she took a tissue from the packet and wiped her eye being careful not to catch any of her bruises.
Kirk hesitated for a moment, “You know she was one of the nicest ladies I’d met when I was younger. I’ll never forget her. What happened?” It was selfish of Kirk to push further into what had happened to Jackie but, because he knew her, he selfishly believed that he had a right to know. He had always classed her as a friend. “When did it happen?” he continued ignoring the fact that the tears coming from Kim’s eyes were falling more frequently.
“I really don’t want to talk about it, I’m sorry.”
Kirk stopped. He realised he had pushed too far and Kim had gone back to the state she was in when he picked her up from the hospital; unresponsive, closed off.
“No, I’m sorry,” he said as he moved to the chair next to her. The more he was in her company, the more he began feeling emotions again and he slowly put his arm around her. Kim leaned in close and he hugged her as tightly as he could, without hurting her. It was hard for him to explain – but he wasn’t used to all the different emotions he was feeling. This was the first time he had felt sorry for anyone other than himself. He squeezed Kim harder, not wishing to let go.
The last time Kirk had seen Jackie was thirteen years before when he was sixteen years old and living in the foster home where she was the manager.
Whenever Jackie was working her shift, a young Kirk walked the halls of the large home with an air of confidence about him as he knew he was safe from any trouble. Although he was one of the older boys in the home, he was also one of the quieter ones who had trouble holding his own against the kids that were there because they were too unruly for their parents to cope with. Whenever Jackie was off shift they would make his life a misery with c
hildish name calling and threats of violence – even if he reported it to the other staff members that were on duty; little was done. They were there to earn money to pay the bills – not because they actually cared about the wellbeing of the children who were all from different social backgrounds and had varying levels of education and morals. Kirk was in the home because he was simply unwanted. His mother gave birth to him but failed to accept he was her son. She had said, when she saw him, “I already have a son, I don’t need another one.”
Unlike the other staff members that worked in the home; Jackie did care about the children. She had a daughter at home whom she went home to every day and yet she still perceived these other children to be her children. When one of the foster children were successfully fostered off to new parents, Jackie would often have a little cry to herself – because she was happy that the child was about to go to a good home and because the child was no longer living in her home.