by Matt Shaw
10
KIM SHOWED NO EMOTION as she reminisced about her past. There was no hint of a tear as she explained the final moments, of Jackie, to Kirk. There was no expression on her face as she explained that it was Leon that drove her to become a prostitute. There was no expression on her face when she told Kirk how Leon had forced it upon her. She knew, deep down, she was a good person. She knew that, what had happened to her was all because of a series of unfortunate events and nothing else. If she hadn’t met Leon she would never have become involved in the lifestyle that she was currently leading. It was all him. It was all Leon and Kim had come to accept that. By the time she finished telling Kirk about Frank she didn’t care what he thought. She didn’t care if, after hearing the whole story, he did kick her out of the house or tell them where she was. Even if Kirk accepted everything and still was prepared to look out for her, she knew it wouldn’t be the sort of life that she wanted to lead – always looking over her shoulder and always running from pillar to post never daring to stop in case they caught up with her. She knew it was over.
Kirk sat next to her and absorbed everything. What he had heard didn’t turn him away from Kim. It made him feel sorry for her. He pitied her for having to be in that position. It made him hate Leon. It was the first time, in a long time, where he had hated someone other than himself and it felt good. By the time Kim had finished explaining to Kirk how she became a prostitute the sun was coming up outside – not that either of them knew this with the curtains still closed.
“I thought it was supposed to be a one off?” said Kirk as he placed a tender hand on Kim’s hand – hoping to see a sign of emotion in her. There was a flicker of light in her eyes; the windows of her soul – just a flicker. He remembered Kim when she was at college; he remembered watching her from afar thinking how alike her mother she was. He remembered thinking how smart she was. And pretty. He used to sit at the back of the class and look around at the other students – his gaze always falling back to Kim where he’d carry on looking until the end of class was signalled by the bell. Here she was, now, sitting next to him – a broken person. He tightened his grip on her hand. His own emotions were becoming stronger, and deeper, by the minute and he wanted nothing more than to turn the clock back and be there with her. If he had been there – perhaps he could have stopped all of this. If he had been there he wouldn’t have met Tracy. He thought for a minute. Perhaps if he had been there, with Kim, both of their lives would be completely different now. Tracy would be alive, Kim would be living her life how she wanted and Kirk’s life would have been different too. Since that night he had always wanted his life to be different. If Tracy couldn’t be by his side, he wished that he had never met her. The more he thought about it – the more he got himself wound up although he tried his best not to show this to Kim. She didn’t need to see any more anger. She had seen enough.
“They’re both dead now,” she said.
“What do you mean?” It was a silly question.
* * * * *
Another punch connected with Frank’s nose. This time the nose split open and blood spurted out. Another punch quickly followed, dropping Frank to the floor where he lay, writhing around in pain. The violence didn’t stop just because he was no longer standing and a kick to the stomach promptly followed. Frank’s pleas of mercy were answered with several kicks to the face that knocked out some teeth. Kim watched on from the sofa nursing her own cuts and bruises. Her punishment wasn’t as severe.
When Frank had returned to the hotel bar he was met by Leon who complained about the prices of the drinks being too high. Leon had suggested that they should go back to Frank’s house for a few celebratory drinks together – to mark the occasion. What Frank didn’t know, until it was too late, was that Leon had no intention of toasting what he had just done. As soon as Frank had walked into his lounge, Leon set upon him; kicking, punching and shouting – furious that, although it was Leon that pushed for it to happen, Frank had slept with his Kim.
Leon didn’t care that Kim was hurting. He didn’t care that all of this had only happened because he allowed it to – because he pushed for it as a quick way of earning some money. He didn’t even care when Frank stopped moving and struggling. He didn’t even care when Frank stopped breathing – instead he just dropped to his knees next to the body, out of breath.
“You did this,” he said as he looked over at Kim.
“Fuck you!” whispered Kim as she continued to nurse her cuts.
“What did you say?”
Kim didn’t say anything. She hoped that Leon would allow her that one slip-up. There was no point in provoking him further – she was just thankful that she got off so lightly compared to Frank. Kim looked to the body and felt sick. She knew it wasn’t her doing despite what Leon had said to her.
Leon looked across to Frank again, “We’re going to have to get rid of the body. We can’t leave it here.” He looked at Kim to see if she had any suggestions. She didn’t answer back. She didn’t see why she had to do anything – she didn’t see why she had to help get rid of anyone. It wasn’t her that killed him. For the briefest of moments she contemplated calling the police. She thought, if she could get to a phone, she could make the call and he’d be taken away and locked up. Kim’s adrenalin pumped around her body hard and fast before she threw up at the feet of the sofa.
“You’ll have to clean that up too,” said Leon heartlessly.
* * * * *
Kim looked to Kirk to see if he had a look of disapproval on his face. There was no such look. She waited for the obvious question to come from his mouth but nothing came; he just sat there and listened. Perhaps he understood why she couldn’t go to the police there and then – that it would be too much for her mother to deal with in the final, short time of her life. Perhaps he understood that Leon would have killed her too. Kim found it strange that she had just told Kirk she’d been a part of someone’s death and he didn’t even pull his hand away from hers. He just carried on sitting there. A wave of relief rushed through her.
“You were scared of him,” said Kirk – filling in the blanks of why she didn’t call the police, “That’s understandable.”
That wasn’t the only reason though. To begin with Kim didn’t want to upset her mum, she wanted her mum to be able to rest in peace. There were plenty of opportunities to go to the police after her mum had passed though but she couldn’t bring herself to do it – fear and love both stopped her. Part of Kim wanted desperately to believe that Leon would turn back into the man she originally fell in love with. Part of Kim wanted to be able to have everything go back to the way it was. She knew it wasn’t likely to happen but she still clung onto that hope; one of her last hopes. Kim also knew that if she stopped living the lifestyle long enough to really think about what she had been part of – she wouldn’t have been able to cope with the memories and guilt; not by herself.
“There’s one thing I don’t understand,” said Kirk, “if they are both dead – you don’t have to do this anymore. There are choices now. You have choices. You can stop it all – pack it all in and do something else with your life. Start afresh.”
“Like you did?” she nodded towards the pictures of Tracy. Kirk didn’t need reminding of Tracy, he was well aware of her presence. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I don’t have any choices. I’m trapped.”
“But you said it yourself. He’s dead! You’re free now. He’s not here to tell you what to do anymore.”
“I’m not free; I’ve made a mess of things,” Kim broke down into tears again.
Kirk clung onto her hand, “There’s nothing that can’t be fixed. There’s nothing you can’t recover from – with help.”
Kim looked at him. She knew it was time to tell him. So far he had been fine with everything. He had understood. He had carried on being kind to her. She thought that, perhaps, he may even have the answers for her; the solution to help her recover from everything without any scars – mental and physical.
There was a brief moment when things did return to ‘normality’ between Kim and Leon. After Jackie passed away Kim needed a shoulder to cry on and, despite previously being cold towards her, Leon was there to provide it. It was during this time of mourning that Kim believed things could return to normal for the two of them. She still had enough feelings for him to try and forget about what they had seen and been through – a fresh start, if possible. Her illusions were shattered soon after she had learnt to cope with the loss of her mother. When Leon saw her coping – the appointments began to ring in again. The emails, generated through a website Leon had built for Kim, were also coming in thick and fast.
Kim tried to put a fight up, to begin with, but she soon learnt that it was easier and less painful to go with the flow; accept what was happening to her. She just got on with what was asked; her mind telling her, whenever she needed comforting, that everything was going to be alright.
It was a couple of years before Kim finally accepted that Leon wasn’t the man that she once loved and would never return to being that man. She had just woken up and suddenly realised that everything was far from alright and things definitely weren’t going to get any better.
That was yesterday.
11
KIM LOOKED AT LEON as he lay next to her; sleeping. Normally when she woke up next to him she looked at him and wished that things would get back to normal – even though she knew ‘normal’ was a million miles from where they were now. Today was different though; she looked at Leon and felt nothing – to begin with. The more she watched him sleep the more she hated him – and everything he had put her through. She didn’t understand why but when she woke up today she knew things weren’t going to go back to how they were and she knew, even more, that she didn’t want them to go back to how they were. She knew that she’d never forgive him. She knew she had to get away from him – get away from the lifestyle that she was leading; the lifestyle that was slowly, but surely, killing her.
Kim carefully pushed the duvet from on top of her and slid from the bed, trying to be careful not to wake Leon. Whenever she had appointments, Leon always made her give the money to him so that he could take charge of it and ensure the bills were paid. Occasionally he’d allow her to keep some of the money so she could expand her wardrobe – keep things ‘fresh’ for the clients. She wasn’t allowed easy access to the rest of the money – but she knew where it was kept. All she had to do was find some ‘respectable’ clothes to wear – an outfit that didn’t make her look like she was on the game – and get the money from the safe. She’d worry about all of the other details later. She’d worry about all of the other details when she was safe.
With both feet firmly on the ground she looked over at Leon who was still sleeping. She smiled a smile of relief.
‘Nearly there,’ she thought.
She looked over to where her clothes were kept and quietly crept across the floor – careful not to stand on the boards that she knew would creak. When she opened the chest of drawers, she knew there was no point in looking at the top of the pile. She couldn’t remember the last time she wore ‘normal’ clothes. The bottom of the drawer was the obvious place to begin – quietly.
“What are you doing?”
Kim froze.
“I said what are you doing?” Leon repeated as he sat up to get a closer look at what Kim was up to.
Kim slowly turned to him, thinking on her feet, “I’m just getting some clothes ready – you know, for the appointment you got for me this morning.” If Leon thought, even for a split second, that she was trying to run out on him – she knew he would hurt her. He had done it before and wouldn’t hesitate to hurt her again if she went against him – but he wouldn’t hurt the face. As he found out at the start of ‘their business venture’ – bruised faces can affect business. No one wanted damaged goods.
“Leave it. I know what they like. I’ll get the clothes ready. Go and have a wash – make yourself fresh.” Kim’s heart sunk a little. In the short time she had been out of bed she had got used to the idea of running away from Leon; running away from her life. With Leon awake, watching her every move and dictating what she should do and wear, she felt as though she as back to square one. Maybe tomorrow she’d get another chance, she thought.
“Hurry up,” he said, “and go and have your wash so I can get in there after you.”
“Why don’t you have yours first?” she perked up – another chance to run from him.
“Ladies first,” he said. Kim couldn’t believe it – for years she had wanted him to be more of a real man; be more of a gentleman. Now, when she wanted him to be his usual self, so she’d have the chance to run, he was acting life a gentleman. She couldn’t say anything. She couldn’t refuse him. She couldn’t make him angry. She needed him to think everything was the same between them so it would be a complete surprise when she’d run.
“I won’t be long,” said Kim as she walked into the ensuite bathroom, closing the door behind her. She liked her bath times as it meant she got to lock herself in her own private domain without the fear of him disturbing her. He’d always leave her to it when she was in the bathroom. He’d always give her all the time she needed to make herself look good for her clients. The better she looked – the more chance they’d rebook her and repeat bookings meant more money!
“Don’t lock the door,” Leon called out to Kim. She opened the door again to see what he wanted.
“Did you say something?”
“Yeah, don’t lock the door. I’ll be in, in a minute.”
Kim did everything she could to force a smile on her face. She didn’t understand what he meant. She wasn’t sure whether it meant he was going to join her or whether he was just going to go to the toilet whilst she was in the bath. She pushed the door to.
* * * * *
Kim laid in the hot bath water unsure of what to do. She had her wash, when she first got in and was ready to get out but didn’t know whether Leon wanted to get in with her. He had asked for the door to be left open but hadn’t come in. He hadn’t called out to her. She knew that, if she got out and he did want to get in with her – he’d only be angry.
‘A couple more minutes,’ she thought to herself. A couple more minutes and then she knew she’d have no choice but to call out for him. She didn’t want to call out for him. She didn’t want him to come in with her. She didn’t want him anywhere near her.
She closed her eyes tight and called out, “Are you coming?” There was no reply. “Leon?” She waited a little longer before breathing a sigh of relief; a sigh of relief that came too soon as it was met with Leon pushing the door open slowly.
“What is it?” he asked – almost annoyed that he had been interrupted.
“You told me to leave the door open. I thought you were going to join me.”
Leon laughed; a hearty laugh as though Kim had cracked the world’s most amusing joke. Kim didn’t want Leon to join him but at the same time, she didn’t want him laughing in her face at the mere suggestion of it either.
“What’s so funny?” she asked.
“You,” said Leon, wearing only his boxer shorts, as he looked through the gap in the door. “Do you really think I’d want to join you?”
Kim sat up. There was a time when Leon insisted in joining Kim in the bath; further proof that things were definitely not going to get back to how they were.
“You used to.”
“Before you were a two-timing, little whore,” Leon spat back at her. He laughed again as he turned away from the door – back into the main bedroom.
“What did you say?” Kim was a ‘two-timing, little whore’ because he had made her into it. She did it for him. She had done it for them and that was something he had obviously forgotten. She climbed out of the bath. She didn’t need him to repeat what he said. She’d heard it. She followed him out of the bathroom, “YOU MADE ME LIKE THIS!”
Leon turned to face her, both amused at her o
utburst and also a little bit shocked. For years she had been this meek, lost little girl and now she was suddenly standing up to him. He wondered whether she had forgotten who she was talking to and clenched his fist ready to remind her, if need be.
“You could have stopped whenever you wanted,” he said.
“Every time I told you I wanted to stop you made me carry on. You forced me to do it,” she replied – getting more brazen. She stood face to face with Leon; her body language full of strength as she tried to take control of the situation – her situation.
“Then perhaps you should remember that,” said Leon menacingly. Kim recognised the tone of voice he used. She recognised the look in his eyes as they turned from a dark brown colour to a shade of black. She knew all of the warning signs for his mood changes. Today she didn’t care - he was going to hear her.
“What are you going to do about it? What can you do to me that’s worse than what you’ve already put me through?”