by Unknown
' I'm an Underground Catholic,' she says seriously. ' I'm a shade contemptuously. ' I t was when I got interested in not hung up on dogma. I'm very far out.'
Women's liberation.'
Her eyes, behind the huge spectacles, are clear and un-3
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'Women's Liberation? What's that?' says Morris Zapp, shoots disconcertingly sideways, as if catching sight of an not liking the sound of it at all. 'I never heard of it.' (Few engine falling off the wing, and Philip remembers.
people have on this first day of 1969.)
'Boon! Good Lord, I didn't recognize . . . You've, or,
'You will, Professor, you will,' says the girl.
changed.'
Boon chuckles delightedly. 'Fantastic! Don't tell me Meanwhile, Philip Swallow has also struck up conversa-you're on your way to Euphoric State ?'
tion with a fellow passenger.
'Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am.'
The movie over (it was a Western, the noisy soundtrack
'Great! Me too.'
had given him a headache, and he watched the final gun-
•You?'
battle with his headphones tuned to Muzak), he finds that
' Dontcha remember writing a reference for me ?'
some of his joie de vivre has evaporated. He is beginning to
'A great many references, Boon.'
weary of sitting still, he fidgets in his seat in an effort to find
'Yeah, well, it's like a fruit machine, y*know, you got to some untried disposition of his limbs, the muffled din of the keep pulling the old lever. Never say die. Then, Bingo!
jet engines is getting on his nerves, and looking out of the Anybody sitting next to you? No? I'U join you in a sec. Got window still gives him vertigo. He tries to read a courtesy to have a slash. Don't run away.' He resumes his interrupted copy of Time, but can't concentrate. What he really needs is journey to the toilet, almost colliding with a stewardess a nice cup of tea - it is mid-afternoon by his watch - but coming in the opposite direction. Boon steadies her with a when he plucks up courage to ask a passing stewardess she firm, two-handed gesture.' Sorry, darling,' Philip hears him replies curtly that they will be serving breakfast in an hour's say, and she flashes him an indulgent smile. Still the same old time. He has had one breakfast already that day and doesn't Boon!
particularly want another one, but of course it's a matter of A chance reunion with Charles Boon would not, in the time change. In Euphoria now it's, what, seven or eight normal circumstances, have gladdened Philip Swallow's hours earlier than in London, or is it later ? Do you add or heart. The young man had graduated a couple of years subtract? Is it still the day he left on, or tomorrow already?
previously after a contentious and troublesome undergra-Or yesterday ? Let's see, the sun comes up in the east.. . He duate career at Rummidge. He belonged to a category of frowns with mental effort, but the sums won't make sense.
students whom Philip referred to privately (showing his age)
' Well, blow me down!'
a s ' the Department's Teddy-Boys'. These were clever young Philip blinks up at the young man who has stopped in the men of plebeian origin who, unlike the traditional scholar-aisle. His appearance is striking. He wears wide-bottomed ship boy (such as Philip himself) showed no deference to the suede trousers, and a kind of oversize homespun fringed social and cultural values of the institution to which they had jerkin hanging to his knees over a pink and yellow candy-been admitted, but maintained until the day they graduated striped shirt. His wavy, reddish hair falls to his shoulders and a style of ostentatious uncouthness in dress, behaviour and he has a bandit moustache of slightly darker hue. On his speech. They came late to classes, unwashed, unshaven and jerkin, arranged in three neat rows like military medals, are wearing clothes they had evidently slept in; slouched in a dozen or more lapel buttons in psychedelic colours.
their seats, rolling their own cigarettes and stubbing them
' You remember me, dontcha, Mr Swallow ?'
out on the furniture; sneered at the girlish, suburban en-
'Well . . .' Philip racks his brains. There is something thusiasms of their fellow-students, answered questions vaguely familiar, b u t . . . Then the youth's left eye suddenly addressed to them in dialect monosyllables, and handed in 34
35
disconcertingly subtle, largely destructive essays written in aimed absurdly high, sometimes grotesquely low. At one the style of F. R. Leavis. Perhaps overcompensating for moment he aspired to be Cultural Attach^ in the Diplomatic their own prejudices, the staff at Rummidge regularly ad-Service, or Chief Programme Planning Executive for Ghana mitted three or four such students every year. Invariably Television, at the next he was prepared to settle for Works they caused disciplinary problems. In his memorable under-Foreman, Walsall Screw Company, or Lavatory Attendant, graduate career Charles Boon had involved the student Southport Corporation. If Boon was appointed to any of newspaper Rumble, of which he was editor, in an expensive these posts he evidently failed to hold them for very long, for libel suit brought by the mayoress of Rummidge; caused the the stream of inquiries never ran dry. At first Philip had Lodgings warden to retire prematurely with a nervous dis-answered them honestly; after a while it dawned on him that order from which she still suffered; appeared on 'University he was in this way condemning himself to a lifetime's Challenge', drunk; campaigned (unsuccessfully) for the correspondence, and he began to suppress some of the less distribution of free contraceptives at the end of the Freshers'
creditable features of his former student's character and Ball, and defended himself (successfully) in a magistrate's record. He ended up answering every request for a reference court against a charge of shop-lifting from the University with an unblushing all-purpose panegyric kept on perma-Bookshop.
nent file in the Department Office, and this testimonial must As Boon's tutor in his third year, Philip had played a have finally obtained Boon some kind of graduate fellowship minor, but exhausting role in some of these dramas. After an at Euphoric State. Now Philip's perjury had caught up with examiners' meeting lasting ten hours, nine of which were him, as such sins always did. It was deuced awkward that spent in discussion of Boon's papers, he had been awarded a they should both be going to Euphoric State at the same
' low Upper Second' - a compromise grudgingly accepted by time - he fervently hoped that he would not be identified as those who wanted to fail him and those who wanted to give Boon's original sponsor. And at all costs Boon must be pre-him a First. Philip had shaken Boon's hand on Degree Day vented from enrolling in his own courses.
in joyful expectation of never having anything to do with Despite these misgivings, Philip is not altogether dis-him again, but the hope was premature. Though Boon had pleased at finding himself on the same plane as Charles failed to qualify for a postgraduate grant, he continued to Boon. He awaits the latter's return, indeed, with something haunt the corridors of the Faculty of Arts for some months, like eagerness. It is, he explains to himself, because he is giving other students to understand that he was employed as bored with the journey, glad of company for the last, long a Research Assistant, hoping in this way to embarrass the hours of this interminable flight; but, truthfully, it is be-Department into actually making him one. When this cause he wants to show off. The glory of his adventure gambit failed, Boon at last disappeared from Rummidge, but needs, after all, a reflector, someone capable of registering Philip, at least, was not allowed to forget his existence.
the transformation of the dim Rummidge lecturer into Seldom did a week pass without a request for a confidential Visiting Professor Philip Swallow, member of the academic assessment of Mr Charles Boon's character, intelligence and jet-set, ready to carry English culture to the far side of the suitability for some position in the great world. At first these globe at the drop of an airline ticket. And for once he will were usually teaching posts or postgraduate fellowships
at have the advantage of Boon, in his previous experience of home and abroad. Later, Boon's applications took on a America. Boon will be eager for advice and information: random, reckless character, as of a man throwing dice com-about looking left first when crossing the road, for example; pulsively, without bothering to note his score. Sometimes he about' public school' meaning the opposite of what it means 36
37
in England, and 'knock u p ' meaning something entirely
'You guessed it.'
different. He will also frighten Boon a little with the rigours
' Why not ? Where are you going ?'
of American graduate programmes. Yes, he has lots to say to
'A dump called Rummidge. You don't have to pretend Charles Boon.
you've heard of it.'
'Now,' says Boon, easing himself into the seat beside
' Why are you going there ?'
Philip's, 'let me put you in the picture about the situation
'It's a long story.'
in Euphoria.'
It was indeed, and the question put by Mary Makepeace Philip gapes at him. 'You mean you've been there al-had exercised many a group of gossiping faculty when it was ready?'
announced that Morris Zapp was the year's nominee for Boon looks surprised. 'Sure, this is my second year. I've the Rummidge-Euphoria exchange scheme. Why should just been home for Christmas.'
Morris Zapp, who always claimed that he had made himself
'Oh,'says Philip.
an authority on the literature of England not in spite of but because of never having set foot in the country, why should he
'I guess you must've visited England many times, Proof all people suddenly join the annual migration to Europe?
fessor Zapp,' says the blonde, whose name is Mary Make-And, still more pressingly, why did a man who could have peace.
gotten a Guggenheim by crooking his little finger, and spent
'Never.'
a pleasant year reading in Oxford, or London, or on the
'Really? You muit be all excited then. All those years of Cote d'Azur if he chose, condemn himself to six months'
teaching English Literature, and now you finally get to see hard labour at Rummidge? Rummidge. Where was it?
where it all happened.'
What was it? Those who knew shuddered and grimaced.
'That's what I'm afraid of,' says Morris Zapp.
Those who did not went home to consult encyclopedias and
'If I get the time I'm going to visit my great-grand-atlases, returning baffled to confer with their colleagues. If mother's grave. It's in a village churchyard in County it was a plot by Morris to further his career, no one could Durham. Don't you think that sounds idyllic ?'
give a satisfactory account of how it would work. The most
' You going to have the foetus buried there ?'
favoured explanation was that he was finally getting tired of Mary Makepeace turns her head away and looks out of the the Student Revolution, its strikes, protests, issues, non-window. The word 'Sorry' rises to Morris's lips, but he bites negotiable demands, and was willing to go anywhere, even it back. 'You don't want to face facts, do you? You want to to Rummidge, for the sake of a bit of peace and quiet.
pretend it's just like going to the dentist. Having a tooth Nobody dared actually to test this hypothesis on the man extracted.'
himself, since his resistance to student intimidation was as
'I've never had a tooth extracted,' she says, and he be-legendary as his sarcasm. Then at last the word got round lieves her. She continues to gaze out of the window, though that Morris was going to England on his own, and all was there is nothing to see except cloud, stretching to the horizon clear: the Zapps were breaking up. The gossip dwindled like an endless roll of roof insulation.
away; it was nothing unusual after all. Just another divorce.
' I'm sorry,' he says, surprising himself.
Actually, it was more complicated than that. De°sir£e, Mary Makepeace turns her head back in his direction.
Morris's second wife, wanted a divorce, but Morris didn't. It
'What's eating you, Professor Zapp? Don't you want to go was not Desiree that he was loth to part from, but their to England?'
children, Elizabeth and Darcy, the darlings of Morris 38
39
Zapp's otherwise unsentimental heart. Desiree was sure to Dean's reception to go home and screw the baby-sitter, that get custody of both children - no judge, however fair-should make an impression on the judge.'
minded, was going to split up a pair of twins - and he would
'I told you, she's gone back East, I don't even know her be restricted to taking them out to the park or a movie once a address.'
month. He had been all through that routine once before
' I'm not interested. Can't you get it into your head that I with his daughter by his first wife, and in consequence she don't care where you keep your big, fat circumcised prick?
had grown up with about as much respect for him as for the You could be banging the entire women's field hockey team insurance salesman whom he must have resembled to her every night for all I care. We're past all that.'
childish vision, turning up on her stoop at regular intervals
'Look, let's talk about this like two rational people,' he with a shy, ingratiating smile, his pockets bulging with candy said, making a gesture of serious concern by turning off the dividends; and this time it would cost him $300.00 per visit TV football game he had been watching with one eye in fares since Desiree proposed moving to New York. Morris throughout this argument.
had been born and brought up in New York, but he had no After an hour's exhausting discussion, Desiree agreed to a intention of returning there, in fact he would not repine if he compromise: she would delay starting divorce proceedings never saw the city again: on the evidence of his last visit it for six months on condition he moved out of the house.
was only a matter of time before the garbage in the streets
' Where to ?' he grumbled.
reached penthouse level and the whole population suffo-
' You can find a room somewhere. Or shack up with one of cated.
your students, I'm sure you'll have plenty of offers.'
No, he didn't want to go through all that divorce hassle Morris Zapp frowned, foreseeing what an ignominious again. He pleaded with Desiree to give their marriage figure he would cut in and around the University, a man another chance, for the children's sake. She was unmoved.
turned out of his own home, washing his shirts in the He was a bad influence on the children anyway, and as for campus launderette and eating lonely dinners at the Faculty herself she could never be a fulfilled person as long as she Club.
was married to him.
'I'll go away,' he said. 'I'll take six months' leave at the
'What have I done ?' he demanded rhetorically, throwing end of the quarter. Give me till Christmas.'
his arms about.
' Where will you go ?'
'You eat me.'
'Somewhere.' Inspiration came to him, and he added,
' I thought you liked it!'
' Europe maybe.'
'I don't mean that, trust your dirty mind, I mean psy-
'Europe? You?'
chologically. Being married to you is like being slowly Slyly he watched her out of the corner of his eye. For swallowed by a python. I'm just a half-digested bulge in years Desiree had been pestering him to take her to Europe, your ego. I want out. I want to be free. I want to be a and always he had refused. For Morris Zapp was that rarity person again.'
among American Humanities Professors, a totally un-
'Look,' he said, 'let's cut out all this encounter-group alienated man. He liked America, Euphoria particularly.
crap. It's that student you found me with last summer, His needs were simple: a temperate climate, a good library, isn't it?'
plenty
of inviting ass around the place and enough money to
'No, but she'll do to get the divorce. Leaving me at the keep him in cigars and liquor and to run a comfortable
*
40
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modern house and two cars. The first three items were, so to Rummidge exchange, but you wouldn't be interested in speak, natural resources of Euphoria, and the fourth, the that, Morris.'
money, he had obtained after some years of strenuous effort.
'Just give me the dope.'
He did not see how he could improve his lot by travelling, Bill gave it to him, concluding, 'You see, it isn't your certainly not by trailing around Europe with D&irde and class, Morris.'
the kids. 'Travel narrows,' was one of the Zapp proverbs.
'I'll take it.'
Still, if it came to the crunch, he was prepared to sacrifice Bill tried to argue him out of it for a while, then confessed this principle in the interests of domestic harmony.
that the Rummidge post had already been given to a young
'Why don't we all go ?' he said.
assistant professor in Metallurgy.
He watched the emotions working across her face, lust for
'Tell him he can't have it after all. Tell him you made a Europe contending with disgust for himself. Disgust won by mistake.'
a knockout.
' I can't do that, Morris. Be reasonable.'
' Go fuck yourself/ she said, and walked out of the room.
'Give him accelerated promotion to Associate Professor.
Morris fixed himself a stiff drink, put an Aretha Franklin He won't argue.'
LP on the hi-fi and sat down to think. He was in a spot. He
' W e l l . . . ' Bill Moser hesitated, then sighed. 'I'll see what had to go to Europe now, to save face. But it was going to be I can do, Morris.'
difficult to fix things at such short notice. He couldn't afford
' Great, Bill, I won't forget it.'
to go at his own expense: though his salary was considerable, Bill's voice dropped to a lower, more confidential pitch.