by Unknown
Well, of course, we all laughed, not very much because it Dearest,
didn't seem much of a joke. In fact it wasn't a joke at all.
I had the most frightful shock this morning. Bob Busby Howard admitted to having seen the Lawrence Olivier rang me up to ask how you were. I said you were fine as far movie, but insisted that he had never read the text of as I knew, and he said, 'Jolly good, so he's out of hospital, Hamlet. Nobody believed him of course, and this made him then?' and poured out a horrifying story he'd got from sore as hell. He said did we think he was lying and Sy more some student about how you had been taken hostage by a or less implied that we did. Upon which Howard flew into a gang of desperate Black Panthers and held out of a fourth-great rage and insisted on swearing a solemn oath that he floor window by your ankles and finally shot in the arm had never read the play. Sy apologized through tight lips when the police burst into the building blazing away with for having doubted his word. By this time, of course, we their guns. It was only about halfway through this lurid were all cold sober with embarrassment. Howard left, and tale that I recognized it as a wildly distorted and embroi-the rest of us stood around for a while trying to pretend dered version of an anecdote in your last letter which I pre-nothing had happened.
sumably put into circulation in the first place. I think I A piquant incident, you must admit - but wait till I tell must have mentioned it to Janet Dempsey.
you the sequel. Howard Ringbaum unexpectedly flunked his Incidentally, Bob told me that Robin took rather a review three days later and it's generally supposed that this pasting from Morris Zapp at the last Staff Seminar. It seems was because the English Department dared not give tenure to that Mr Zapp, despite his somewhat Neanderthal appeara man who publicly admitted to not having read Hamlet.
ance and loutish manners, is really quite clever and knows The story had been buzzed all round the campus, of course, all about these fashionable people like Chomsky and and there was even a paragraph alluding to it in the Euphoric Saussure and LeVi-Strauss that Robin has been brow-State Daily. Furthermore, as this created an unexpected beating the rest of you with, or at least enough about them 136
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to make Robin look fairly silly. I gather all present derived his car, he replied, to my astonishment. Well, it was a a certain quiet satisfaction from the proceedings. Anyway, I freezing night, so I told him to bring her inside at once. He began to think more kindly of Mr Zapp, which was rather was off like a shot and I followed him to the front door. It fortunate for him, as he turned up again yesterday evening was like some scene from a Victorian novel, the snow, the to beg a rather odd favour.
fallen woman, etc., but in reverse, because she was coming in It took him some time to get to the point. He kept looking instead of going out, if you see what I mean. And I admit to round the room, and asking me about the house and how feeling a mite sentimental as she crossed the threshold, many bedrooms it had, and wasn't I lonely living on my with snowflakes melting in her long blonde hair. She was own, until I began to fear that he wanted to move in with turning blue with cold, poor thing, and practically speech-me. But no, it appeared he was looking for accommodation less either from that or shyness. Mary Makepeace is her for a friend, a young lady, and he wondered whether I name. There didn't seem to be anything else to do but ask would consider, as a special favour, letting her rent a room.
her to stay the night, so I made some soup (Professor Zapp I told him that we'd had students living in the house once wolfed three bowls) and packed her off to bed with a hot and found it such hell that we'd vowed never to have lodgers water bottle. I told Mr Zapp I would have her to stay for a again. He looked rather crestfallen at that, so I asked him if few days while they worked out something but that I he'd looked in the Rummidge papers. He shook his head couldn't commit myself to having her indefinitely. How-dolefully and said it was no good, they'd already tried ever, I'm seriously thinking of letting her stay on. She seems several addresses and nobody would have the girl. People to be a very nice girl, and would be company in the evenings.
were prejudiced against her, he said. Was she coloured, I You know I still get frightened in the night sometimes -
asked compassionately. No, he said, she was pregnant.
silly, I know, but there it is. I'll have to see how we get on Well, after what you'd said in your last letter about Mr on closer acquaintance, of course, and I haven't made any Zapp's reputation, I drew my own conclusions, which promises. But if I should be inclined to let Mary stay, I must have been pretty clearly written on my face, for he presume you wouldn't have any objections ? She'd pay for hastily assured me that he was not responsible. He'd met her her board and lodging, of course - apparently she didn't on the plane coming over, he said, and he was the only lose all her money, and Mr Zapp was very insistent that he person she knew in England, so she'd turned to him for would help financially. I imagine he can afford it. He was help. She's an American girl who came to England to get an driving some incredibly low-slung and expensive-looking abortion, but decided at the last moment that she didn't orange sports car yesterday, which is to replace the one want to go through with it. She wants to have the baby in you didn't buy.
England because it would then have dual nationality and if I hope, by the way, that Charles Boon is making a contri-it was a boy he would be able to avoid the draft, should the bution to your rent. A hint to that effect might be one way of Viet Nam War still be going on in twenty years' time. She'd getting rid of him.
worked illegally for a while in Soho as a waitress, but had to All love,
give it up because her pregnancy was beginning to show.
Hilary
And then she had some money stolen.
Well, this story sounded so implausible that I wondered PS. Mr Zapp asked particularly that if I wrote to you about whether he could possibly have invented it. I didn't know Mary you should regard all information about her as what to think. Where was this girl now, I asked ? Outside in confidential.
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Philip to Hilary
my safe balcony I feel rather despicable, like those ancient kings who used to watch their set battles from specially Darling,
built towers. Afterwards one goes home and watches it all Just a note in haste to say that I should think very carefully over again on the local TV news. And the next morning before you take this girl of Zapp's into the house. And she there are reports and photos in the Euphoric State Daily -
surely is Zapp's girl. Whether he's the father of her child, that's the campus paper, produced with incredible speed or not, is another question, but doesn't affect the likely and professionalism by the students; makes our own once-nature of their relationship. I can understand how you a-week Rumble seem a rather amateurish effort.
would naturally feel sorry for the girl and want to help, but I All my love,
think you've got to consider yourself in this, and the children, Philip
especially Amanda. She's at a very sensitive and impres-PS. I hope you realize that Mary Makepeace is almost cer-sionable age now - have you thought of the consequences of tainly an illegal immigrant in the eyes of the law, and that you having an unmarried mother on the premises? The same could get into trouble for harbouring her ?
goes for Robert, for that matter. I can't believe that it would be a good thing for the children. Then Zapp would no doubt be in and out of the house all day - and possibly Hilary to Philip
all night too. Have you thought of that ? I'm a reasonably tolerant person but I draw the line at providing a room in Dear Philip,
my house for Mr Zapp to have it off with his pregnant I may as well come straight to the point. I've had what I girl-friend, and I wonder whether you would be able to cope believe is called a poison-pen letter from Euphoria, an with such a situation, should it arise. Then one has to face anonymous letter. It says you are having an affair with the fact, whether one likes it or not, that 'people will talk' -
Morris Zapp's daughter. I know it's not true but please and I don't mean just the neighbours, but the people at the write at once and tell me that it isn't. I keep bursting into University, too.
tears and can't tell anybody why.
All in all, I'm not in favour. But of course you must do Love,
what you think best.
Hilary
The situation is getting uglier here. Some windows have been smashed, and catalogue cards in one of the small specialist libraries scattered over the floor. Every lunch hour XY42 Ab I 5 I INTL PLOTINUS EUPH 6 0 9
there is a ritual confrontation which I watch from the bal-WESTERN UNION
cony outside my room. A large crowd of students, hostile to the police if not positively sympathetic to the strikers, MRS HILARY SWALLOW
gathers to watch the pickets parading. Eventually someone 49 ST JOHNS RD
is jostled, the police intervene, the crowd howls and screams, RUMMIDGE
rocks are thrown, and out of the scrimmage the police come ENGLAND
running, dragging some unfortunate student behind them POTTY UPPERCOOK COCK COCK COCK
and take him to a temporary lockup under the Administra-UTTER POPPYCOCK OF COURSE STOP ZAPP8
tion building, pursued by the hooting mob. Perched up on 140
Melanie is Zapp's daughter by his first marriage. She DAUGHTER ONLY NINE YEARS OLD STOP
calls herself Melanie Byrd, which is her mother's maiden LETTER FOLLOWS LOVE PHILIP
name, because she doesn't want to be associated with her father at Euphoric State, for several good reasons. She came PHILIP SWALLOW
here as a student because as the child of a tenured faculty IO37 PYTHAGORAS DR
member she is entitled to free tuition, but she has stayed PLOTINUS EUPH
away from Zapp as much as possible and kept their relationship strictly secret. I got all this information from Mrs Zapp and Melanie this afternoon. They were in the house Morris toDisirie
together when I got home. I should explain that Melanie is one of the girls on the ground floor. Early on in my time Will you do me a favour, Desiree, and move your ass over to here I quite by chance got drawn into a kind of impromptu 1037 Pythagoras Drive and find out what the hell is going on party downstairs. I'd just come from cocktails at the there? I had a letter this morning, no signature, saying that Hogans' and was a bit squiffy already. What with one thing Philip Swallow is shacked up with Melanie at that address.
and another I suppose I got quite 'high', but when they You may laugh, but just check it out for me, will you?
started making preparations for an orgy, I retired gracefully.
There is a kind of outrageous logic in the notion that makes So, however, did Melanie. She took it for granted that we me think it may just be true. It would fit my idea of Swallow should sleep together. So I'm afraid we did.
and the role he seems destined to play in my life. Having I'm not going to try and justify or excuse myself. I was assassinated my academic character in the TLS, he pro-wretched afterwards, thinking what I'd done to you. It ceeds to screw my daughter. That figures. I tremble, wasn't even particularly enjoyable at the time, because I D6sir6e, I tremble.
was fuddled with drink and Melanie was half-asleep. I'm Morris
quite sure it meant absolutely nothing to her, and you must believe that it only happened on that one occasion. In fact PS. The envelope is franked by the University, so it must be since then - this would be funny in a less anguished context -
someone on the faculty or a secretary who sent the letter.
she's become Charles Boon's steady girl friend. In the cir-Who?
cumstances, there seemed to be no point in upsetting you by saying anything about the episode, and it began to sink into Philip to Hilary
oblivion. When I got your letter it revived my guilty conscience, though I didn't connect Melanie with Morris Darling Hilary,
Zapp for a moment. I presumed someone was playing a This is the most difficult letter I have ever had to write.
rather sick joke - who and for what reason I couldn't, and Morris Zapp has got a daughter - apart from the nine-still can't - imagine. But it put me in a difficult moral year-old. Her name is Melanie and I did sleep with her once.
dilemma.
Just once. So the wire I sent you was not quite true. But it Well, as you know, I took the easier way out, one which I wasn't a lie, either. I have only just discovered that Zapp is persuaded myself would also be easier on you. But when I Melanie's father and it's been as much of a shock to me as it discovered the true state of affairs, I immediately sat down will have been to you. Let me try and explain.
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to put the record straight. If s now about midnight, so you'll Boon. 'And this is - " I recognize Mr Boon, dear,' I inter-realize how difficult I've found it. I'm sorry, very sorry, rupted. 'We were at the same party a few weeks ago. I Hilary. Please forgive me.
didn't have the opportunity, Mr Boon,' I prattled on, 'to All my love,
tell you how much I hate your show.' He smiled and blew Philip
smoke through his teeth while he thought up a riposte; one of his eyes was levelled on me while the other one was shooting about the room as if in search of inspiration. ' If Disirie to Morris
someone your age liked the show,' he said at last, ' I ' d know I'd failed.' We fenced like this for a while, weighing Dear Morris,
each other up. It was apparent that Boon was living in Much as I hate to do you a favour, my curiosity got the Swallow's apartment, which I must say surprised me be-better of me, so I hied me over to 1037 Pythagoras in cause I always understood from Swallow that he couldn't accordance with your brusque instructions. I had to take a stand the guy. However, it certainly looked as though Boon detour through the downtown area as the traffic was and Melanie had been in the sack together that afternoon, snarled up due to riots on the Campus at the Cable Street and as neither of them showed any sign of panic when entrance. 1 could hear gas grenades popping and a lot of Swallow's latchkey turned in the hall door I assumed that yelling and a police helicopter circling overhead all the this was not a possibility they were anxious to conceal from time: I tell you, it gets more like Viet Nam here every day.
him. He was startled of course to see me there, fussed around 1037 Pythagoras is a house that has been converted into getting us all tea, but didn't seem particularly defensive. I two apartments. Nobody answered the bell on the first floor had just decided that his relationship to Melanie was purely so I went upstairs and tried the second-floor apartment.
avuncular when it came out that you were her father. He Eventually Melanie answered the door, looking flushed and went white, Morris. I mean, if he'd just discovered that he'd rumpled. Before you start grinding your teeth and fingering screwed his oum daughter, he couldn't have looked more your horsewhip, let me finish. We were both surprised, shocked. I suppose, on reflection, there is something kind of Melanie more so, naturally. 'Desiree! What are you doing incestuous about sleeping with the daughter of the guy here ?' she exclaimed.' I might ask you the same question,' I you've exchanged jobs with. Though if he's having sex with snapped back in my best Perry Mason manner. ' I thought Melanie presently, it must be something very kinky because Philip Swallow lived here.' 'He does but he's out.' 'Who is Charles Boon is right in there too, for sure.
it, Mel, the Gestapo?' said a voice from within. I looked As to the author of the poison-pen letter, I will hazard a over Melanie's shoulder and there was Charles Boon, guess that the author is Howard Ringbaum, who has a propped up against the wall dressed in a towelling bath-motive and is cheap enough to use university mail facilities robe and smoking a cigarette. 'Somebody for Philip,' she for the purpose - he's the kind of guy who would make a called back. ' Philip's out,' he said. ' He's at the University.'
heavy-breathing call collect if he could get away with it.
' Do you mind ifl wait ?' I asked. Melanie shrugged:' Please D&iree
&nbs
p; yourself.'
I eased myself over the threshold and penetrated into the apartment. Melanie closed the door and followed m e . ' This is Desiree, my father's second wife,' she said to the gaping 144
i
Morris to Disirh
pregnant. Don't tell me that you're going to pollute the planet with another little Zapp, Zapp? I've heard about Many thanks for your quick reply, but why didn't you ask the hypocrisy of the English, but I didn't know it was Swallow straight out for Chrissake ? I enclose a Xerox of the contagious.
anonymous letter so that you can confront him with it.
Desiree
What a louse. Mrs Swallow has been looking so miserable lately that I have a shrewd suspicion she's had one of those letters too. She's a kind-hearted person, I've found, and I Philip to Hilary
feel sorry for her. She told me, by the way, that Boon was once a student of Swallow's. Yes, they're old buddies, so it's Darling Hilary,
all too probable they've got some very corrupt scene going It's two weeks now since I wrote to you, and I am finding there with Melanie. Poor little Melanie. I feel really bad it a strain waiting for your reply. If you haven't already about her. I mean I didn't suppose she was still a virgin or written, please don't keep me waiting any longer. I had anything, but that is no life for a young girl, being passed hoped that by making a clean breast of everything I should from one guy to another. Maybe if you and I could make a make it possible for you to forgive and forget, and that we fresh start, Desiree, she would come and live with us.
could put the whole thing behind us.
Morris
I hope you aren't thinking of divorce, or anything silly like that?
It's very difficult to discuss these things by letter. How Disirie to Morris
can you make up a misunderstanding when you're 6000
miles apart? We need to see each other, talk, kiss and make Dear Morris,
up. I've been thinking, why don't you come out here at Will you stop putting on this concerned parent act before Easter on a 17-day excursion ? I know the fare is expensive, I die laughing? It's a little late in the day to start talking but what the hell. I expect your mother would take the about giving a stable home life to 'little Melanie'. You children in the holiday, wouldn't she? Or perhaps you should have thought about that before you walked out on could even leave them with this Mary Makepeace girl. It her and her mother. Little Melanie, in case you've forgotten, would be a real holiday for both of us, away from the kids hasn't forgiven you for that; and since it was me you walked and everything. What is called a 'second honeymoon', I out on her for (leaving her a five-dollar bill to buy candy, if I believe - a rather horribly coy phrase but not such a bad remember rightly, the most sordid transaction in the history idea. D'you remember what fun we had in that scruffy little of conscience-money) she isn't exactly spilling over with apartment in Esseph ?