by Blue Saffire
I start to pace the living room. I look around at the little toys that litter the space. I’ll clean up for Kamara in the morning. I plan to make her breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
I need to go to my old apartment, sometime this week. I haven’t shown my face around there in a while. My brothers are getting very suspicious lately. I’ll have to do better at covering my tracks.
“Your uncles are so fucking nosey,” I complain to TJ.
He makes a gurgling sound that sounds like he’s agreeing. I look into his face and laugh. His face says he knows what I’m talking about. I chuckle and keep pacing.
TJ starts to wail again. I reposition him, placing my cheek to his and snuggle. Kamara keeps both TJ and Lulu smelling so good. They each have their own scent.
“They’re nosey, but they’re the best. Your uncle Wyatt, his the one you want to go to, to get advice about girls. He can pull anyone. Although, I think he’s about to tie the knot.
“Uncle Noah, he’s going to teach you how to kick ass. You make sure you listen to him. He’s going to school you on how to take care of your sister. Then there’s your Uncle John. Now that fucker is the one that got us all hooked on that kinky shit. Stay away from his advice.
“Not every woman can handle that shit, and once you’re hooked, you’re going to want one that can. Yeah, don’t listen to Uncle John at all. When you turn thirteen, if he tries to show you his movies, run. Then there’s your Uncle Felix. We give him so much shit, but he’s the best.
“Go to him to get your grades changed in the school’s database if you ever fuck up,” I chuckle and kiss his soft little cheek. “You’re not going to be doing much of that though, you have too many smart genes in you.
“Your Uncle Brax and Uncle Ry, stay clear of them. They like to cause trouble, but if you every need a laugh, they’re your go tos. I love those two. I love all your Uncles, but Brax and Ry are my baby brothers.
“You’ll get what I mean when you get older. I hope I can give you younger brothers or a younger sister,” I chuckle.
“You must have gotten a hold of some sour breastmilk because that is not happening,” I hear a sleepy voice behind me.
I turn my head to see a sleepy Kamara, posted against the wall. I press my lips and frown. I knew she wouldn’t stay sleep for long with TJ crying.
“You don’t want more children?” I ask, starting to bounce TJ.
“I don’t know my name, at this point. I am not agreeing or disagreeing to anything,” she yawns wide.
I sit on the couch with a crying TJ, waving her over. Kamara drags her body over to the couch. I reach for her waist and bring her into my lap. I kiss the side of her neck.
“We can shelve it for now, but I hope we can have more. My family’s missing out on so much. I want to do this again, when I can share it with them,” I say truthfully.
Kamara’s face softens. She cups my face. “When you put it like that, I’ll think about it a little more. I don’t think I could do this alone again, but with family, maybe,” she smiles.
“Think about it. That’s all I ask,” I croon, before taking her lips.
Our kiss is quickly interrupted by our son’s wails. Kamara gives me a pointed look and I shrug. This kid is not helping me here.
chapter Twenty-Five
He Needs Me
Kamara
I watch the stress on Toby’s face, as he listens to the voice on the other end of the phone. I can’t hear what he is saying. Lulu and TJ are being fussy. Toby had to move out of earshot so the twins would not be heard through the phone.
It’s the third day that Toby has worked from home. This could be work related. I hope it is not another mission.
“Shh,” I coo to the children, as I rock their carriers on the countertop.
My heart takes a pause, when I see the sadness that takes over Toby’s face. He looks up at me and a sea of emotions cover his features. I’m starting to get worried.
“No, I’m getting ready to pack. I’ll be there,” Toby says loud enough for me to hear.
My heart sinks. I’ve never been completely on my own with the children. My eyes search Toby’s, as panic starts to set in.
“What is it? Do you have to go on another mission?” I ask, as he makes his way to me.
“No, it’s Nellie’s mom. Things aren’t looking so good. Wyatt needs us. The family’s heading out to Seattle for him,” Toby replies.
My eyes drop to my feet. “Oh, okay,” I whisper. “I should be okay here.”
Toby scoffs, causing me to look up. He has a sour look on his face. “Did you really think I would leave you here on your own?”
“I…Well, you guys will be flying out together. How will we come with you?” I ask, wrinkling my brows in confusion.
“I’m calling in a favor. You and the babies will fly out on a second plane. I’ll make a few calls. If I get you guys out of here first, I can get you to Seattle and in the hotel before I land with my family,” Toby rattles off, as his fingers fly across his screen.
“Will it be safe. Are you sure about this?”
“It will be fine. I have someone I trust that will meet you at the airport,” Toby looks up at me. “This is the best way I know how to do this. I’m not leaving you behind.”
I lick my lips nervously and nod. “Okay, I’ll get us packed,” I go to move into action.
“Take care of their food and essentials. I’ll get us all packed and squared away with the clothes. We can get this done faster if we work together,” he orders.
“Okay,” I reply, but he is already on the move.
My head is spinning. Nellie’s mom was so nice to me, the few times we met. I hope that she’s going to be alright. My heart feels heavy, I don’t have a good feeling from this trip.
An eerie silence fills the room. The babies have fallen fast asleep. I close my eyes and gather myself. I can feel this is going to be one emotional trip. My tiredness disappears, as I prepare to be there for my husband.
I feel a ping in my chest. I will get to be there for Toby, but I still won’t get to be there for his family. I think that stings the most. I know it has been weighing heavily on Toby that he cannot share all of this with his family.
I wish I had a way to fix that. I can just pray that in time we can reveal all. For now, I can only do what I can to make this as easy as possible.
~B~
Toby
Everything went smoothly getting my family here, without running into my other family members. I wish today were going as seamlessly. I could use the break.
I have mixed feelings about everything that’s going on. I’m happy for my brother. I love Nellie like a sister already, but it hurts like hell that my wife and kids aren’t here.
Instead, Kamara and the kids are back at the hotel. I saw it in her eyes this morning. She wanted to come with me so badly. I almost said fuck it.
However, the gravity of what’s at stake and the fact that I didn’t want to steal my brother’s shine, stopped me. It would be one hell of a bomb to drop on his wedding day. I wouldn’t be that selfish.
So here I stand, with a genuine smile on my face, because I truly am happy for my brother. Although, inside my heart hurts something awful. I did try to make things up to Kamara. I sent a nanny from the hotel services up to watch the babies, while she gets pampered in our room.
I called in a huge favor. Isaiah would never ask questions, he’s one of those buddies that’s just there when you need. I asked him to stay in the room next door to watch over my family.
As a precaution, I told him Kamara’s a client. I’ve been checking in with him every hour on the hour. Kamara has been sending text in between naps as well. TJ has been fussier than usual. Kamara is a bit concerned. She’s keeping a close eye on him.
I’ve been worried, since she first mentioned it, right before the ceremony. I’ve wanted to check in, but didn’t want to draw attention or disturb the wedding. In my mind, I’ve been wondering if it was such a good idea
to bring the twins, while they are still so small.
My mind has been all over the place. Wyatt has so much respect from me for doing this. My heart aches for the entire situation. Mrs. Nora was a big part of my childhood.
To see her like this, so fragile and frail, it’s breaking my heart. On the other hand, to see how in love Wyatt and Nellie are makes this whole scene transform. It makes me want to believe that love can conquer anything.
During the ceremony, I vowed that one day, I would give Kamara something like this. Our family and friends, the beautiful dress. She deserves this and so much more.
“What’s up with you and that phone?” Brax asks, as he walks up.
“Just had some things back home I needed to keep an eye on,” I reply, looking up from my phone.
I look into Brax’s eyes, something is off. The light that’s always there seems to be gone. I focus on my brother. Braxton is all ways on, something isn’t right.
“What’s up?” I get straight to the point.
He rubs his forehead. When he drops his hand, he looks around. “You ever want all of this?” he asks, as his eyes settle across the yard.
I follow his eyes and smile to myself. “Dude, you’re going to have to let that one go. She’s just not into you. It’s not you, you know. She just isn’t into what you have,” I reply.
Braxton’s head whips in my direction. The rage in his face takes me back. His nostrils flare, as he glares at me.
“You don’t pay attention to shit around you,” he hisses. “If you did you wouldn’t say stupid shit. Get your head out of your own ass, Toby. You used to give a fuck about us. You—awe, fuck it.”
He waves his hand at me and walks off. I’m left with my mouth hanging open. I feel like shit. I look over to see Heather watching Braxton storm away.
When her eyes turn to me, she presses her lips. I actually take a step back, when she glares at me. Heather looks like a mama bear ready to rip me apart.
Well, fuck, I’m missing something alright. Those two have always had a weird relationship. Heather being four years older than Braxton, has always brush him off or shooed him away to play with kids his age, one minute.
The next minute, the two are conspiring against everyone. Pulling some of the best pranks, getting on everyone’s nerves. Only to end up arguing, with Heather slapping the shit out of Brax.
I pay attention. Heather lets you in on her terms. I just don’t think she’ll ever let Brax in on the terms he wants. If he can’t accept that, that’s his problem.
I sigh, as my phone buzzes. I wonder if my brother is right. Have I had my head up my own ass? I have a wife and two babies to think about. It’s possible I’ve been slacking more than usual.
I shoot back a text to Kamara and check in with Isaiah. Kamara’s next text comes back a little panicked. TJ has been spitting up his food. I frown at my phone and start to pace.
Me: Does he have a temperature?
Kamara: No fever, but he’s getting warm. He’s not holding anything down.
Me: Do you want me to come back?
Kamara: No. I don’t know. Just let me see what happens in the next hour. I’m sorry. I can handle this.
Me: I’m on my way.
Kamara: No. Please don’t. I’ll let you know if I need you.
My attention is solely on my phone, when I feel another one of my brothers approach. I know it’s one of them, without even looking up. I look up to see it’s Noah that has gotten in my path, preventing me from pacing.
“You alright,” he asks, as our eyes lock on each other’s.
No, I’m not alright. I’m freaking the fuck out. I shouldn’t have made Kamara come along. I should’ve found another solution. Lulu and TJ are so small. My stomach turns sour, as I think of how badly I’ve fucked this up.
“Yeah, I’m cool,” I nod quickly, instead of spilling my guts.
“No, you’re not,” he says, narrowing my eyes. “Something has been off with you for months. I don’t know what it is, but you need to speak up if you need some type of help.”
“I said I’m good, Noah. I can handle it,” I say in frustration.
“Is this about a girl or something?” he asks, lowering his voice, while stepping in closer to me.
My jaw begins to tick. I know he is just trying to help, but I’m holding on by a thread. I’m ready to spill my guts.
This burden is weighing me down. I don’t know what to do anymore. This has become more difficult every step of the way. Kamara and I are both exhausted, we don’t have any help and we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing.
I inhale deeply, pulling my shit together. Dragging my family into this will only make it worse. “No, I just have some shit on my mind.”
He nods and folds his arms over his chest. “If that’s how you want to play it, fine, but I’m going to tell you like this, if you need help you come to me. Don’t let this shit blow up in your face, Toby.
“You have a family that cares about you and we’ll be there for you when you need. I don’t know what’s going on, but I know it’s something. I won’t dig to find out what, because you are a grown man. My baby brother, but still a grown man. I’m going to respect that, but I promise you, Toby. If some shit comes to Mom’s door and I don’t like it…your ass has a problem,” he warns.
I frown. His words cut deep. I know I should trust my family, but what if we get this wrong. The Blacks, O’Briens, and McGowans have a, fuck shit up now and ask questions later, policy. My wife is a queen, there are rules and politics involved in all of this.
We go in there to handle shit our way and it could destroy the influence she has with her people. I would never do that to Kamara or her family. This is her legacy. That’s her country and her people.
Hell, they’re my people now. I have to start taking my role seriously. I’m a king. I can’t behave like a spoiled child whose world is falling apart.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s not a problem for anyone. I got it,” I feel my frown deepen, as I roll my shoulders.
“Alright,” Noah pulls me into a hug. “I love you, you need me, you come to me. No pride, Bro. Black brothers never put their pride before family, you hear me?”
“Yeah, I hear,” I pull away and turn to walk off.
I’m so near cracking. Noah has no idea what I’m dealing with. I’m here because I love my family. As a consequence, I may have hurt the family none of them know about.
chapter Twenty-Six
Die without You
Kamara
Thankfully TJ seems to have gotten better. I was so worried I’d have to take him to a hospital, while in a strange city. I didn’t want to take Toby away from the wedding.
When he did return home, his mood was so dark. Once he stripped out of his suit, he held TJ to his chest for the rest of the night. I could see they were healing each other.
Yet, now, I know Toby will have so much more to heal from. When he received the call earlier, he rushed to his brother’s side. I ached to follow, to be there for Nellie and the rest of the family, but I remained here, standing in prayer for them all.
I have never seen Toby so heartbroken. I think I have fallen in love with him even more today. To watch him have so much compassion for his brother and friend.
I watched Toby hurt, as if it were his direct loss, as he got ready to go to his brother. He’s been gone most of the day, supporting Wyatt and Nellie.
I have just put the twins down, when the door to the suite opens. Toby stumbles in, looking wrecked. His eyes find mine and the intensity in his golden eyes, threatens to blow me over.
Toby doesn’t say a word. He just moves to me. When he stops before me, I can see the emotions that are swirling in his orbs. I see hurt, loss, helplessness, and so much more.
I reach to cup his face, with one hand, placing the other on his chest. No words are exchanged right away. We both understand that sometimes words are not enough. Sometimes, you can understand someone just fine without them.
Toby cups both sides of my face, running his thumb over my lips. I watch, as need replaces all the other emotions swirling in his eyes. I bite my lip, and his finger takes another pass.
My mind is telling me this is a bad idea. I have not been cleared for intimacy, since having the twins. Toby must read the concern in my eyes.
“I know we can’t, but I need you,” he says, sounding almost pained.
“Then, I am yours, my king,” I reply.
~B~
Toby
I will never take my wife, my family, my own life for granted again. Watching both Nellie and Wyatt fall apart, tore something inside me. Wyatt is one of the strongest people I know.
Since I was little, I’ve wanted to be like my brother. Watching him allow himself to be vulnerable, to be everything for Nellie in her moment of need, spoke to something deep down in my soul. It made me wonder if I show my wife how much she means to me; how much I love her.
I’ve needed to be right here with her, hours ago. I’ve needed to get lost in her, in worshiping her the way she deserves. Today, I saw love. Not just between Wyatt and Nellie, but from my entire family.
The power of the love I witnessed really showed me the value of what I have. Kamara may be my secret, but she’s my world. If I had to watch her go through loss, if I lost her, I don’t know what I would do.
Then there’s the fact that I know she was scared yesterday, when our son was sick. Yet, she was brave and handled the situation so that I could be there for my brother. I’ve been in my feelings concerning how I feel about all of this and the burdens I hold.
However, I’m not in this alone. Kamara has got as much on her, if not more. It is her life, her crown at stake, and here she is. Looking at me like I’m her world, offering me comfort.
“I don’t want to take, I want to give,” I say gently. “I need to give.”
Her brows wrinkle, but she nods. I reach for her hand, leading her back into the bedroom. The twins are fast asleep in their carriers, beside the bed.
I pull Kamara to the bed, kicking off my shoes and climbing onto the mattress. Leaning over, I reach for her brush and comb from the nightstand. I straighten, reaching for her, pulling her to sit before me. As has become a habit, I start to braid her hair back.