by Layne Harper
In a broken voice, he screamed, “Go the fuck away Caroline!”
I ignored him, because I knew that he really didn’t want me to leave. I opened the bathroom door and saw him sitting on the floor leaning against the egg shaped bathtub. One leg was crossed over the other, and he was resting his head in his hands.
I walked over to him and sat next to him gently making sure that my body was touching his. I was so relieved when he didn’t edge away from me.
We sat like that until he was ready to talk. Finally he said in a broken voice, “Is there anything that I can do to change your mind?”
I knew that there wasn’t. This was not about him. It was all about me. “What I had hoped would happen was that you would be happy for me to go to Harvard, and we would find a way to make it work for four years. Then, I would marry you,” I said.
When he didn’t say anything, I finished, “However, we both know that with the demands of your job and my schooling that we would spend four years frustrated as hell because we can’t be together.”
He nodded his head in agreement. “Charlie, when you walked into your dad’s office on the first day we met, I knew that you were something special. These last two years haven’t always been easy, but I never once regretted meeting you until this moment. You are the only person that I have ever given my whole self to and you are destroying me before you are even giving me a chance to make our lives complete.”
His words should have sent me over the edge in ugly tears, but they didn’t. He was right, and I knew it.
“If it makes you feel any better, I hate myself. I wanted to want the life that you planned for us, but I would not be me, the girl you fell in love with, if I turned down Harvard. It’s my NFL,” I explained.
He threw his head back and laughed. “How fucking lucky am I? I have to go and fall in love with the only girl in the world who is more competitive than me. No. You’re right, Charlie. One of the qualities that I love the most about you is the one that is shredding me right now.”
I put my hand on his gorgeous thigh. I paused for just a second making sure he wasn’t going to slap it away. When he let me touch him, I pushed my luck even further and rested my head against his shoulder. I knew that I would miss touching him the most.
With a little calmer voice he said, “Promise me that you will see a therapist. I can’t let you walk out of my life worrying that I am going to get a phone call from someone telling me that you dropped dead in the middle of a run. You need to work through your issues over your parent’s divorce. Not every man walks out on his woman.”
“I promise that I will find someone to talk to,” I reassured him.
“I’ve got two more days before I have to take you back to College Station. Can we pretend that this isn’t the end?” he asked with a hint of desperation in his voice.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I said, “There is nothing that I would like more.”
October, Junior Year
RACHAEL AND I were lying on my bed solving the world’s problems. Colin was either at practice, making a public appearance, or meeting with a coach. I couldn’t keep track of his schedule any longer. I saw him when I saw him which was as often as he could make time for me. The Aggies were ranked fifth in the country. They were doing better than had been predicted, and Colin was playing like a man on fire. There was already buzz on where he would go in the draft. I tried not to listen to the speculation or really think about him leaving in January. I was trying to take it one day at time. We had gotten so close though, that I’d really started feeling anxious at the idea of him not being around.
“Aggies are out of town this weekend, we should go home,” Rachael proposed.
“That’s not a half bad idea. I haven’t seen my family in a couple of months. Want to leave Friday after class?” My oldest sister Chelsea had graduated college and lived in a cute little apartment in mid-town Houston which was the place to go and be seen.
“Sounds like a plan. I’ll drive. I don’t trust the Honda,” Rachael said, poking me. The Honda was in really bad shape. The old girl just had to last three more semesters.
“When do you get your MCAT score or scores, or whatever it is?” Rachael asked.
“Any day now. I keep checking the website. I have to admit that I am a bit anxious. I haven’t done much studying since I took them. If I have to retake them, I am going to be in a boat load of trouble,” I answered.
“Oh, Charlie, you’ll be fine. You always think the worst about yourself.” I knew that she was right, as much as I hated to admit it.
“What’s Aiden doing this weekend?” The two of them had been attached at the hip since March.
“He’s actually thinking about flying to the game. His dad offered him miles and a bunch of his frat brothers are going,” she explained.
“Lucky him! I would like to go. Colin said that this is a season defining game. We are playing a team ranked higher than us and not expected to win. If we can pull it out, we might play for the national championship.”
“Your parents wouldn’t loan you miles for a ticket?” Rachael knew better than to even ask that sort of question.
“If it wasn’t in the divorce settlement, I don’t get it,” I replied. Sometimes being a poor college student with divorced parents sucked.
“I’m thinking of going home this weekend with Rachael,” I said to Colin while we were on an early morning run.
“Will you watch the game?” he asked while slightly out of breath.
“Of course! I just haven’t seen my family in a long time, and it’s a good time to go because you will not be back until early Sunday morning. I promise to leave before noon on Sunday so we can spend the day together.” I was not at all out of breath. I loved being able to school him in something.
“Is Rach driving?” He’d shortened her name so he could talk less. Ha!
“Yes. I’m not sure the Honda has the drive in her anymore,” I replied, feeling great.
“I don’t understand why your dad doesn’t get you something reliable. It’s not like he doesn’t have the money.” Apparently, he’d found his second wind because that statement had some venom behind it.
“It’s not in the divorce agreement.” In my mind that explained everything.
Oh shit! Now, he was really mad. “That’s why we aren’t going to get divorced. If it’s not an option then you are forced to work through your issues. I’m turning back around. I’m too pissed to finish this run.”
We were seven miles in and still had at least two miles back to my apartment. Now might be a good time to talk about medical school marriages, I thought.
“Wimp!” I couldn’t help myself, but I quickly added, “Medical school is hard on marriages. They make you sign an agreement that you will not have an outside job, because school occupies so much of your time.”
“So does football, but we make it work. That’s my point, Charlie. Me playing professional football and you finishing up school and then medical school will not be easy, but if we are both equally committed to making it work it will,” he said as if this was the God’s honest truth.
“If I hadn’t lived through it, I could be as sure as you are,” I said.
We didn’t say anything else to each other until we got to the park for our cool down.
“Charlie, I fucking love you. I will not let your parents’ mistakes ruin us. They already have taken enough away from you.” He said as he glanced at my still nonexistent boobs. “We aren’t them. There is no one else that I want to be with more than you. I know you think that I am teasing about marrying you, but if you said yes, we would be on a plane to Vegas tomorrow. That’s how serious I am about this future,” he said while he gave me his serious, don’t fuck with me look.
What could I say to that except, “Dear God, Colin. That is the hottest speech that I have ever heard. Take me back to my apartment and make love to me.”
I had been in my mom’s house for five minutes, and everyone was already drivin
g me crazy. Amy and Julie had bombarded me with questions about Colin. I promised that before the season was over, I would invite them to a game.
My mom was fussing over how skinny I was. I wasn’t anymore though. I had just about regained all the weight that I had lost, but my boobs were still pretty flat. I needed to get Chelsea to take me bra shopping for something that would give me cleavage.
While my mother insisted on us making chocolate chip cookies, a ploy to fatten me up, I pulled out my phone and sent Colin a text.
Me: I hope you had an uneventful flight. Tell Quinn that I said to be nice to my Statement. I’m in hell. I’m being forced to bake. Hope you know that you shouldn’t marry me for my baking skills.
Colin: We are safely on the ground. Quinn talked to me the whole flight, and you think you’re in hell. Baby, I’m not marrying you for your baking skills…
I was sitting in our small kitchen surrounded by my nosy family, but I just couldn’t help myself.
Me: What skills do you approve of???
Colin: You exceed expectations in the classroom, the gym and most exceptionally the bedroom.
“What are you smiling about, Charlie?” Amy said as she tried to grab my phone.
“None of your business!” I yelled back. Being with my family made me twelve again.
“Girls, leave Charlie alone. She’s entitled to her privacy.” My mom slid naturally back into referee mode.
Me: I love your answer My sisters are being nosy brats. I have to go. Call me before you go to bed.
Colin: They can’t be any nosier than Quinn. He is trying like hell to see my phone right now. Love you. I’ll call you later.
“So what are your plans this weekend?” Mom asked.
“I’m going to hang out with you guys tonight. Tomorrow, I am going over to Chelsea’s to watch the game, and then we are going to go dancing. I’ll probably crash at her place and then leave early Sunday,” I stated.
“Sounds like a good plan! Now, what do you girls want for dinner?”
Going home for me was always bittersweet. I loved my family deeply. However, it was very hard to see my half-sisters’ lives compared with how we’d struggled at that same age. God bless my mom. She’d carted us all over Houston to make sure that we didn’t miss out on any activities. But she had not been on one date since my dad left.
Her life was so different than what she had signed up for. She put my dad through medical school and gave him four daughters. He gave her no help, child support checks, and grief when he didn’t like her parenting.
Let’s just say, that when I was in therapy for my eating disorder, the divorce came up a lot.
“Oh my God! We won! Oh my God! We won!” I kept whispering to myself. I grabbed my phone and sent Colin a text.
Me: I am so proud of you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Congratulations! My Statement did it!
The watching party was going crazy. Everyone kept congratulating me. I just wanted to keep my eyes on the TV. I wanted to see him. I wanted to hear his sexy voice. I wanted to touch him. He was right. This being apart business sucked.
The camera found him after the game sitting on a bench staring at the field. He had a slight smile on his face. He looked more relieved than happy. I wanted to hold him and touch him. I was so angry at myself for not finding some way to get a ticket.
They interviewed him when he was in the locker room. He gave them all the standard media training answers. I couldn’t help but stare at him. He was gorgeous. He was freshly showered and his wet wavy hair was pulled back from his face. I knew why websites had popped up dedicated to his movie star good looks.
Finally, Rachael convinced me to get ready to go out. She was right. They were just going to keep replaying his interview again and again. I secretly would have watched it every time that it aired, but I knew that was a little crazy.
My phone rang while I was slipping on a navy blue, very short, party dress. I dove for it.
“You did it, baby!” I said instead of a standard greeting.
“I did it, Charlie,” he said. He sounded more relieved than happy. I had read his body language correctly.
“I watched every second of the game. By the way, your ass looks so hot in those pants. Can we have a pair for the bedroom?”
“I adore you. I am so fucking wiped out. The adrenaline has worn off. I’m ready to be in bed lying naked with my girl.” He sounded so forlorn. This was not the Colin that I was expecting to hear from.
“I know baby. I’ll see you in about twelve hours. I’ll call you as soon as I am back in College Station. There is a big group of us about to go dancing, and they are waiting on me so I need to run.”
“Be careful. I love you.” He sounded so pathetic that I wanted to crawl through the phone and hold him.
“I will. Love you too,” I replied, not wanting to hang up.
“Are you going to hang up, baby?” he asked very softly.
“I can’t hang up when you sound like this. I want to be with you,” I replied.
“I want you to be with me too. Touching you makes me feel better,” he said just as softly.
I heard Quinn yelling and screaming in the background.
“Baby, go celebrate with your friends. You deserve it. You played a fantastic game. You made the Aggies, your parents, and me very proud. Go enjoy your success. We’ll celebrate tomorrow,” I said, trying to give him a pep talk.
“You’re right, baby. I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said as he hung up.
He had really just rained on my parade. Part of me wanted to see if Rachael would go back tonight, but I felt bad about ruining her fun.
As I put on my makeup, I gave myself a mental pep talk. I couldn’t let him dictate my moods. By the time I was dressed and ready to go my spirits were back up.
We were dancing like lunatics. We were at some fun club that Chelsea frequented. The music was insanely good. The drinks were flowing like water. I hadn’t felt this carefree since Colin entered my life. Guys kept asking Rachael and me to dance, but we politely declined. Even though Colin and Aiden would never know, it still felt wrong.
In the middle of one of the songs, a bar employee tapped Rachael and I on the shoulder and asked us if we wanted to dance in one of the go-go dancer cages. Did we? We were born for that moment.
We nodded happily and headed toward the center of the dance floor with him. He lifted us up on the platform and we entered the cage together. Apparently, this was a big deal because the crowd went crazy. They started cheering us on.
I briefly wondered if this was how Colin felt when he was on the field.
Rachael and I danced. The more the crowd yelled, the freakier Rach and I got. I was dripping sweat and crazy thirsty, but I just didn’t care. I was in the moment.
We cage danced for six songs and then the bar employee helped us off the platform and helped two new girls up.
He gave us free drink passes for the rest of the night.
By closing time, we were drunk, sweaty, drowned rats. Chelsea, Rachael, and I stumbled back to her apartment. I hoped to God that Chelsea had food in her refrigerator because I was starving. To my relief, my sister had a frozen pizza. Just what the doctor (I mean me) ordered!
We were sitting around her kitchen table shoveling pizza and water in our mouths when my phone rang.
It was Colin. I thought, He must be calling to tell me that he’s home.
“Hi, baby!” I said, hoping that he was in a better mood.
“Charlie, what the fuck have you been doing?” he growled at me.
“You know what I’ve been doing. I went dancing with Rachael, Chelsea, and some of her friends. What’s the problem?” Had he forgotten the whole conversation that we had earlier?
“The fucking problem is that your ass is all over the Internet, and it looks like Rachael is going down on you!” he screamed at me.
Oh shit! I never thought about that.
“I don’t understand. Tell me where to go and se
e these pictures,” I said. He gave me more than one web address. Double shit!
I asked Chelsea for her laptop. She grabbed it and pulled up the websites. It was way worse than I had imagined.
At the top of the page was a picture of Rachael and me dancing together in the cage. It very clearly looked like we were about to have crazy sex. The headline read, “While the boyfriend is away, the bunnies will play.” The rest of the article identified me and my unknown dance partner as engaging in lesbian acts in a cage after Colin had just won the most important game of his college career. He looked like a saint. I looked like an unsupportive whore.
“Are you still there?” I asked.
“I’m here,” he whispered.
I started to cry. I was beyond embarrassed. My family will see this. His family will see this. Hopefully medical schools don’t google applicants, or they will see this, I thought.
He let me cry for a long time, before he said, “Come back early tomorrow. We have a lot of damage control to do.”
Then he hung up.
He was furious with me! He hadn’t been this mad at me since the night that he’d accused me of using sex as a weapon. Even then, I don’t think he was this mad.
I overheard Rachael in another room pleading with Aiden. Oh no! She was in trouble also.
This was so bad.
She walked back into the kitchen and sat down. “We need to drive back to College Station tonight. Colin just stormed out of his private dorm and is headed to Jennifer and Quinn’s house. Aiden is with Colin. He said that he has never seen him this upset before.”
I grabbed my phone and dialed his number. He immediately ended my call. I called back ten more times.
Then I sent him a text.
Me: Please don’t do anything stupid. Rach and I are getting in the car. I’ll be there in two hours. Where are you?
I sat there and stared at my phone willing him to respond to me. He had never done this to me. He’d never ignored me before. I was desperate. I was losing my mind. I wanted to be with him. I knew that if I could see him and touch him, I could make him better.