At Her Feet

by Rebekah Weatherspoon

  Forcing those feelings down so I could get through work isn’t making matters easier. I’m almost twitchy. Liam notices. “If you had such a good time why do you look like you’re about to cry?”

  “I don’t know,” I say, but I suddenly feel the tears fighting to get to the surface. I can’t talk to Liam about this anymore. I need Pilar. I text her.

  Can I please call you?

  My phone rings a few seconds later.

  “Is that her?”

  “Yeah,” I reply, but the word almost gets caught in my throat.

  Liam gets up without another word, but he rubs my shoulder before he ducks back into the office.

  My voice is shaking when I say hello. But Pilar isn’t alarmed. It’s like she knows. Her voice is soft and patient when she asks, “What’s wrong, baby?”

  “I miss you.”

  “I know. Is everything okay at work?”

  “No.” I laugh mirthlessly. “But it’s nothing I can’t manage.”

  “Tell me what’s bothering you.”

  “I—” I falter. It’s hard to express what I think I need. It’s hard to ask for something like this.

  “I’m gonna go.”

  “No, Pilar. Wait!”

  “Baby, I need you to think so I’m going to give you some time to do that. There’s nothing I want to hear. Do you understand?”

  I do. This isn’t about me conjuring up some magic answer to please her. This is about me being honest with myself.

  “I’m going,” she says again.

  “Pilar.”

  “Bye, baby.”

  And then she’s gone. Somehow as I stare at my useless phone my tears dry up. I need her for my release, for all of it. I can’t let go if she’s not with me.

  *

  I don’t hear from Pilar for three days. I send my panty pictures like I’m supposed to. I text her. I call her, but she doesn’t respond. I’m obsessed with her silence. The act of it is driving me crazy. I know there’s a lesson in here somewhere, but I can’t figure out what it is. I power through work, being efficient but a complete bitch to everyone. I’m on edge with Katie and the guys. My conversations with Valerie are forced and short. I’m as polite as I can be with her, but she still asks me a handful of times if I’m okay. I’m nice to Liam because he knows what gives. Still, he’s understands me enough to let me have space.

  On Thursday, a little after two p.m., my cell phone rings. I look at Pilar’s name lighting up the screen and I consider hitting IGNORE, but I know better. I take a deep breath, and tuck in every swear word I have, and push it out of my immediate vocabulary.

  “Hello?”

  “Hello, baby. Is this a bad time?” I want to ask what she could possibly want now, but I don’t.

  “No, I can talk.” I lean back in my chair. I can talk, but I won’t say anything interesting for anyone in my office to hear.

  “Do you have anything to tell me?” I knew it. She was punishing me for not speaking up. She had given me time to come up with the words, but instead I spent the time being frustrated and upset with her. That only added to the frustration that had been grating on me the last time we talked. Now I’m irritated that she sounds so calm and I’m nearly crawling out of my skin. When I answer, I don’t tell her how much her silence over the last few days has bothered me. If she can sound cool, so can I. Still, I have no answer and that’s what I tell her.

  “I don’t know,” I say. “But I think I’m fine now.”

  “That’s unfortunate, baby,” she replies, because she knows I’m being a brat. Her tone is still light. “Come stay with me tonight. We’re going to start our weekend early.”

  I want to say no. It’s my turn to give her the cold shoulder, but I want to give her the cold shoulder for like five minutes, not a whole night. And I’m screwed if I blow her off tonight and she decides to blow me off for the whole weekend. That I can’t handle. That would be the beginning of the end.

  “I have to get Frank and a change of clothes.”

  “Bring a few extra work outfits you can leave here. There’s no point in driving all the way to Koreatown if you don’t have to.” I say okay, and then her sudden change in tone turns my pussy to liquid.

  “Baby, you come here right after you grab your things. I’ll have dinner ready.”

  “Yes, Mami,” comes out of my mouth in a near-bashful moan.

  “That’s a good girl. Call me if you’re running late.”

  I practically slam my head on my desk once we’re off the phone. Real cool, Suzy. Real cool.

  *

  When I get to her house, I’m greeted by a completely calm and collected Pilar. Not that she would ever be frazzled. That’s my job. She smiles as she says hello. She kisses me. I’m happy to see her, but my guard is up.

  “Go get washed up for dinner and then we’ll eat.”

  I don’t argue, not that I’d planned to. I take a quick shower and lotion myself up. That spot on my back will just have to deal. Pilar doesn’t lay anything out for me, so I join her in the kitchen naked. She smiles at me again. She touches my cheek as she sets down a plate loaded with food. She sits with her chair out from the table and motions for me to come sit in her lap. After she feeds me two bites of chicken, I’m wet. Whatever low-threat hostility I was feeling toward her is gone. She strokes my back as she continues to feed me. She asks me eventually if I’m full. I am. I wiggle a little closer and put my head on her shoulder as she continues to eat.

  “How was work today?” she asks.

  “It was okay. I wish there was a way to streamline some of our processes. But 21 And Up is bent on making things difficult. I can’t wait ‘til I finish these projects.”

  “And then what?”

  I hesitate for a moment. “I guess on to the next project. I have some vacation time stored up.”

  “I suggest you use it,” she says sweetly. I look up at her and she kisses me softly on the lips.

  Once she’s done with her dinner, I watch a little TV while she folds laundry. She doesn’t mind my running commentary. I feel better because every time I look at her I get that smile again. At bedtime, I kick myself for letting that smile get the best of me. I head to my room. Pilar joins me a few minutes later. She’s wearing a black satin nighty. A layer of sheer lace covers her breasts. I want to touch her. Right now. Like right now. But she has other plans.

  “Take your pick, baby.” She holds up the pink cuffs in one hand, and in the other, she has a weird hourglass-shaped patch of leather with straps and buckles. I gasp as I realize it’s a chastity belt.

  “What are the cuffs for?” I ask.

  “You can sleep in the belt or you can sleep with your hands cuffed to the bed. Your choice.”

  “Why?” I whine.

  “You decide and I’ll tell you.”

  I think for a moment. The cuffs aren’t a big deal. They’re padded, but I’ll be restricted to sleeping on one side. I see what she’s getting at even though I’m not entirely sure why.

  “The belt,” I say. At least I’ll be able to move around.

  “Excellent choice, baby.” Pilar puts the cuffs on the bed, then slips to her knees in front of me. She’s quick about strapping me up in the thing. I look down and watch her work, but my mouth pops open when she reaches into her cleavage and pulls out a little heart-shaped lock. She snaps it into place, denying me access to my own pussy, and then she stands.

  “Time for bed,” she says with the sweet smile that I read as straight-up cruel. I flop down on my back with a level of drama, grateful at least that the leather is soft. Still it’s too thick for me to get creative.

  I yank my blanket up to my chin. “Why are you doing this to me?” I whine again.

  As she laughs, Pilar squats down beside me and strokes my face with her crooked finger. It’s impossible for me to be angry with her when she’s touching me this way.

  “I gave you a few days to open up to me, but you’ve decided that you need to hold those feelings in. Clea
rly, I don’t know why. I’m sure it’s a valid reason, but I’ve told you more than once that you need to communicate with me. I can’t read your mind.”

  I don’t know whether to roll my eyes or cry. I know what she wants from me, but I don’t know how to give it to her.

  “So, my little Suzy girl,” she says. “We’re not going to play until you’re ready to talk to me. You won’t be playing with yourself either.”

  “Are you mad at me?” I ask. Pilar’s very patient, but I don’t want to make her upset. I just don’t know how to tell her everything that I’m thinking and I’m feeling. I mean, who’s that open? Even if I could put it all into words, I can’t get over the sheer terror of being that vulnerable. I can handle a spanking. I can’t handle rejection from someone like Pilar.

  “I’m not mad, but you might be after a few nights in this thing.” She winks and pinches my cheek. After a few minutes, I’m alone with Frank. I want to text Liam, but even though she’s not angry, Pilar is definitely punishing me.

  I decide I need to formulate what I’m going to say in the morning. I think back to last weekend and I…

  A strange moaning sound stops my train of thought. Another soft moan gets it going again. I listen a moment longer. Maybe I’m hearing things. Maybe she’s watching porn, but when I hear a very familiar whimper, I know that Pilar won’t be denying her own pleasure tonight.

  I know for sure that I can’t touch myself, but she didn’t say I couldn’t watch. I slip out of bed with Frank clenched in my hand and creep down to my Mami’s bedroom. Pilar is in the center of her bed, above her covers. Her nightgown is hiked up around her waist and her knees are up. Her legs are spread. Both her hands are busy, one rubbing her clit and the other stroking in and out of her pussy.

  My mouth runs dry, and just as I go to squeeze my legs together, I groan against the restriction of the chastity belt. Pilar glances up at me. Our eyes hold. She doesn’t tell me to leave. Instead, her head drops back on her pillow. She fingers herself deeper. Leaning against the doorjamb, I hold Frank tight and I watch. I’ve gone marathon sessions before. I’ve lost chunks of afternoons and evenings touching myself in the middle of my bed and sometimes on my living room floor. I know how what I’m seeing feels like.

  I think Pilar means to tease me, at first, but I realize after her first and second orgasm she’s not teasing me at all. She’s not even thinking about me. She comes with a high whimper, her head lolling on her pillow. Her arms lie limp on her thighs. Her fingers are still between her legs. Suddenly, she sits up and reaches for something on her nightstand. Two somethings. Now I think she’s trying to kill me. My Mami wants me to expire from lusty, horny, no-touch death. The moment she simultaneously slides the dildo between her lips and flips the switch on her high-speed, plug-in vibrator placed right over her clit, I feel my heart preparing to take its final beats.

  It’s inaccessible, but my pussy is throbbing so bad. I consider touching nipples, as I brush my left tit with Frank’s soft fur. My light moan has Pilar lifting her head again. I freeze. She watches me for a dozen heartbeats, her hands still moving the toys to her pleasure, before she lies back on her pillow.

  I love how vigorously she likes to fuck herself. It’s vicious and brutal, the way she pumps the dildo in and out of her pussy. The way she angles the cock, I know it’s hitting the right spots. The vibrator is loud, pulsing in the almost-silent air between us. Almost because I can’t help the way I’m breathing, and Pilar’s sounds of ecstasy are anything but controlled.

  Her hips start to jerk. I’ve reached this point on my own before. I’ve come so many times that I’ve aroused myself all over again to a point that feels nearly insatiable. It’s one long orgasm or many short ones looped together. If she keeps pushing herself, she’ll squirt.

  Pilar’s hips lift off the bed in a sharp jerk and drop down just as quickly. Her movements aren’t lyrical or poetic. They’re frantic and honest. Pilar pulls the dildo out in another quick motion, and her cum squirts out onto her sheets. Her pussy quivers and more liquid follows. There’s a large dark spot between her knees. I fight the urge to go lick it up. At this point in my own private play, I black out or give up for real, flopping uselessly on my bed until I muster the energy I need to at least move my toys out of the way so I can sleep. But Pilar is a different creature. She jumps out of bed with a renewed energy that has me straightening with surprise. The look of anger on her face has me taking a step back. I’m too afraid to make a real escape.

  She takes me by the arm and leads me back to my room with hurried steps. Short of forcefully putting me under the covers, she gets me back in bed.

  She leaves the room and returns seconds later with something in her hand. She’s moving so quickly in the dim illumination from my nightlight it takes a moment for me to realize that they’re Band-Aids. The Hello Kitty kind she keeps for me above the sink. She covers my nipples with two strips on each breast, pushing the hard peaks down. I’ve only had a few nipple orgasms in my life, but if I’m desperate enough…Well, it isn’t an option now.

  “I hope you enjoyed the show,” Pilar says as she grabs my arm again. She pulls me onto my side and delivers a firm, painful smack to my butt. I yelp in protest, but she doesn’t care. “Go to sleep.”

  Soon I’m alone and, honestly, I’m confused. I don’t know if she’s mad at me for watching or mad at me for enjoying it. I am pissed at myself for pushing her, no matter what the reason. The sting has faded but not the memory of her swat on my ass. I pull Frank tight to my chest and try not to cry as I fall asleep. There’s no way I’ll have an answer for her in the morning. I hope I have an answer before the weekend’s over.

  Chapter Seven

  I’m still spooked the next day. Pilar releases me from my chastity belt after a neutral “Good morning.” I dress quickly for work and consider skipping breakfast. I force down some juice and some eggs because I’m in no mental condition to take her on. Pilar leans against the counter the whole time I eat. Her eyes on me aren’t helping. I stand when I’m finished and face her.

  “Um…I should get to work.”

  She lowers her coffee from her lips. “Okay. I’m off today.”

  “I’ll still send you the panty pic.” Today’s pair are a plain light blue, with a cartoon frog face right above the crotch.

  She nods slightly. “I would hope so.”

  I glance at the floor before peeking up at her through my eyelashes. “You still want me to come over after I get off?”

  A smile touches the corner of her lips. She puts down her coffee. “Come here, Suzy.”

  I cross the room and stand in front of her. She tugs me closer by the front of my pants. Her lips brush against my cheek. “I’ll see you tonight.”

  *

  Mitch is doing card tricks next to my desk. He’s gathered a little bit of a crowd. They won’t shut up, so I stop trying to work and wheel my chair into the commotion. We don’t have time for this. We’re all up to our asses and elbows in work and deadlines. I’m worried that I haven’t heard back from 21 And Up yet on the header for the landing page of the mobile site. But we’re all so stressed that this break’s necessary. My stomach growls. After I watch this next trick, I’m going to politely bug Valerie about bringing on more people. Then I’m going to grab some food.

  “Suzanne, pick a card.”

  I reach forward and draw the queen of spades from the middle of the deck. Mitch launches into some story about the queen raiding a neighboring castle, but I’m not listening.

  I grab my phone and text Pilar.

  Can I see you? Like now.

  She texts right back. Sure, baby.

  I send her the address to our building.

  “Suzanne, look.” I’m suddenly surrounded by smiling faces and Mitch is holding up the queen of spades.

  “That’s genius,” I say, forcing a smile.

  “You think I don’t know that,” he says with huff, then a wink. “Okay, who’s next?”

  Pilar
texts me again. I’ll be there in ten minutes.

  *

  By the time I make it downstairs, I’m almost shaking. Pilar finds a meter out front. I don’t mind if people see us together, but I’m ready to talk. I don’t need my co-workers seeing me cry. We cross the street and slip down another block between two buildings with vine-covered walls and a little bit of cracked-up asphalt.

  It’s hot out, but we’re in the shade. Pilar waits.

  I take a deep breath.

  “I don’t know how to say it.” She comes over here and I still can’t spit it out. She reaches out and draws her finger over my lips.

  “Just tell me how you feel.”

  “I feel like it’s not enough. Like we have this perfect time together and I want more. I want more time, more submission, and it’s messing with my head when we’re apart.”

  Her eyes soften with concern. “Messing with you how, baby? Tell me.” She’s listening to me. She cares, but I’m still a little afraid.

  “I feel like I can’t tell you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m afraid of how you’ll react.”

  “Baby, please tell me.”

  “I want you to spank me more. I want more time naked on your lap because it makes me feel closer to you.”

  “Those things make me feel closer to you, too. What aren’t you saying?”

  “I love you.”

  Pilar looks confused. “I know, baby. You told me over the weekend. I love you, too.”

  “No, I mean I actually love you, not ‘little girl loves Mommy’ love you. I actually love you.”

  “I know.”

  “You don’t think that’s a problem?”