by Brie Paisley
“Trust me. I know, and I’ve told them. The nurse told me I’m six and a half centimeters dilated. I think it’s happening whether or not I want it too.”
“Alright, Ava. We’re leaving right now. We’ll be there soon. I love you, honey.”
“I love you too, mom.” I hang up the phone and let my head fall back on the pillow. I’m suddenly so tired. I think I can just let my eyes rest for a little bit. Yeah, just for a minute.
I’m startled awake when I gentle hand touches my shoulder. I look up and I rub my eyes. I blink a few times trying to get out of my sleep haze. “Mom?”
“Hey, honey. It’s me and dad. The nurse said we could come in for a minute. She said the doctor is about to come see you. How are you feeling?”
I clear my throat and say, “I’m alright. Actually, I’m starting to hurt again. Can you ask the nurse to come in please?”
“Of course.” Mom leans down and kisses my head and she walks out to get the nurse for me. I look up and I see dad standing by the window looking out. I feel a pang of guilt wash over me knowing he’s still disappointed in me. I hate knowing that I made him and mom feel that way about me.
“Dad?”
He turns and walks over to me. He sits down in the chair that Viktor was in, and he takes my hand. For a second I wonder where Viktor went, and wonder if he’s coming back, but then I push it away. It’s weird I want him here. I have no idea who he is. But why am I nervous he won’t come back?
“How’s my baby girl doing?”
“I’m okay, dad. How are you?”
“Oh, I’m alright. You gave your mother and me quite a scare.”
“I know, dad, and I’m sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen …” My voice cracks and tears make my vision blurry. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling as if this past year has been nothing but a mistake.
Dad squeezes my hand as he says, “You have nothing to be sorry about. All I care about is you being safe and healthy. You and my grandbaby. I know you think you have disappointed me and your mother, but you haven’t. I’m so proud of you. You finished high school, when others would’ve quit. You held your head high when people looked down at you or said nasty things about you. And most of all, you’ve decided to become a mother. I know you’ll do a great job at raising this little girl. Don’t for one second think that I am not proud of you. Ava, you are the strongest girl I know. You understand me?”
“Yes, daddy. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” I can’t hold back the tears anymore. I let them fall as he pulls me to him and holds me while I cry. He holds me and rubs my back and tells me over and over I have nothing to be sorry for. I know what he’s saying is partly true. I never asked to get pregnant. I never asked for any of this. It’s not fair that I’ve had to go through all this, and Malcolm gets to leave as if nothing ever happened. I’ll never forgive him for this. I don’t care if he ever comes back or not. As I cry on dad’s shoulder, I promise myself that I will never let anything like this happen to me again. The pain I feel from freaking labor mixed with the emotional pain, is making it almost unbearable. I try to put on a brave face, not wanting dad to see how much I’m starting to hurt again.
I pull away and I wipe my face off with the tissues dad gives me. I look at dad and he smiles at me and I can’t help but smile back. I can see he meant every word he said before and I can tell how much he loves me. “Thanks, dad. I think I just needed to cry.”
“That’s alright, baby. I’ll always be here when you need a shoulder to cry on. Don’t you ever forget that.”
I nod and I hear mom walk back in with the nurse. She stays silent as she leans over and gives me a kiss on my forehead and tells dad they have to go to the waiting room. Once they’re out of the room, my nurse tells me she has to check me again. I lay back, trying not to feel embarrassed that she’s getting an eye full of nothing but bush. I can feel my face heat up and I already know I’m blushing again. I also wonder yet again, where Viktor is and I can’t help but wish he was here to talk to me again.
“Miss Walker, I’m sorry to tell you this, but I don’t think we’re going to have enough time for your epidural.”
I sit up straight in my bed. “What do you mean? We have time. The baby isn’t coming yet.”
“Miss Walker, you’re at nine and a half centimeters now. There isn’t time. I’m sorry sweetie, but we are going to have to do this the all-natural way.”
“No, no, no, no.” I shake my head at her. “I … I can’t do that! Please! Tell the drug doctor I’ll make her wait! I can’t do this!” I start to panic. There’s no way I can handle this pain without help. It’s too much. I’m too young to feel this much pain.
“Miss Walker, I’m going to need you to calm down. Everything will be alright. Just take a few deep breathes for me. I need you to breathe through the pain.”
How can she be so calm? How I am supposed to be calm? The machines I’m hooked up to start to go off. I hear the nurse tell me over and over that I need to calm down, but I can’t. All I can think of is the pain. I can’t do this. I start to cry again and I tell the nurse over and over to get me the drugs. I don’t think she gets that I’m not ready for this. I’m not prepared to go through labor and pushing out my baby without drugs. I can’t. There’s no way!
“What’s going on?” I hear his voice and I instantly look for his face. I watch him walk over to me and he sits on the side of the bed. He pulls me close and I cry on his chest. I grip his shirt tightly, grateful he came back. He’s being so kind to me, even if he doesn’t know me. The feeling is overwhelming.
“Shh … eto budet khorosho moy dragotsennyy.” Viktor says to me. I still have no idea what he’s saying, but it does start to calm me. He says this over and over until I stop crying. The machines that were going crazy, stop going off. The nurse is still in the room and I can feel her watching us.
“Miss Walker? Are you alright now?”
I pull away from Viktor and I nod. I don’t even turn to look at my nurse. Viktor holds my gaze. He’s the one keeping me grounded and from not freaking the fuck out again. He smiles at me and wipes my tears away. I feel embarrassed again, knowing this man has seen me at my lowest. Who is he? Why’s he still here with me? I don’t understand it. I don’t want to understand it right now. All I do know is, there’s something about him, something that makes me want to pull him closer and push him away at the same time. My brain is telling me to be careful, and I will listen. The last time I ignored my brain, I got pregnant.
I hold tight to Viktor’s arms when I feel the pain again. I try not to cry out, but hell, it’s impossible. I hear the nurse say something and she leaves. I try to get control of the pain, trying not to let it take over me, but I don’t know how. All I know is, I feel lots of pressure. I feel the need to push.
“Viktor?”
“I’m right here with you. You’re going to be fine. The nurse went to go get the doctor. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”
I hold onto the steel bed rail while my other hand curls around Viktor’s hand. I let out a loud scream and I feel the urge to push more and more. Finally, some of the pressure lets up and I hear the nurse and my doctor come in.
“How we doing in here?” Dr. Brightstone asks.
“Please, tell the nurse there’s time for the drugs. I can’t do this.”
“Ava, we talked about this. I told you this was a possibility. You’re a very strong young woman, and we’re all here to help you. Just try and stay calm and relax as much as possible. I’m going to check you to see how far you are.”
Once Dr. B is finished, it seems everything starts to happen way too fast for me. Dr. B starts telling the nurse to get everyone ready, and to call the nursery. Another lady walks in with a table with a blue sheet draped over the top. She pulls the table right behind the other nurse that’s taking my bed apart. I watch as two more nurses roll in the weight machine for the baby, and they start to turn on other machines for the baby. I can’t do
anything but stare when the doctor helps the nurse put the stirrups on the bed and I start to panic. This can only mean the baby is coming. She’s coming and I have to do this.
“Ava, look at me.” I look at Viktor and he smiles at me. It’s strange to me how he sensed I was about to go into panic mode again.
“Eto budet khorosho moy dragotsennyy,” he says to me again. I still have no clue what he’s saying.
“Viktor, I have no idea what you’re saying to me, but keep saying it.”
And he does. Over and over he tells me whatever he’s saying in Russian in his soothing voice. Even when the pain and pressure come again and again, I listen to him. I close my eyes as I try hard not to give up. I feel the nurses put my legs in the stirrups. I hear Dr. B tell me it’s time to push.
I start to do as they tell me, and I thought the pain before was bad. This is so much more. I feel everything. I feel as if my insides are going to fall out. I push and push. Everyone in the room keeps telling me to push hard as they hold my feet giving me leverage. I don’t think about Viktor being one of people holding my feet. I don’t know how long I push before I hear her. I hear that loud cry and I fall back against the bed tired and filled with absolute joy.
I did it.
I smile and start to cry when they hold her up and show me her. They ask Viktor to cut the cord and I don’t even care if he sees the hairy and bloody mess I have going on down there. All I care about is my little girl.
Gabriella Ann Walker.
The nurse places her on my chest and I stare at my beautiful baby girl. I touch her small cheeks and I kiss her on her forehead. I don’t even care she is covered in vagina gunk. I don’t care she has blood on her. Holding her in my arms after all this time is surreal. I still can’t believe I did it. I can’t believe she is so perfect.
“Ona absolyutno sovershennym,” Viktor says and even if I have no idea what he just said, I agree with him.
It’s strange knowing how much love I feel for Gabriella already. I didn’t know I could love someone this much. When one of the nurses says she has to take her, I almost protest. I just want to hold her but I also know the nurses have a job to do. As much as I hate to let her go, I do. I want them to tell me she’s in perfect health. I lay back on the bed as the nurses and Dr. B finish their jobs.
Viktor slowly moves out of their way and I look over to a nurse giving me more pain medicine. After a few moments I feel the rush of relief, and I sigh in contentment. I cannot believe how this day has went. From realizing Malcolm was gone, to being whisked away by a stranger, and now knowing I just gave birth, all these emotions are overwhelming. I want to laugh, but cry at the same time. I know in my heart I’ll do whatever I can to be there for my Gabriella. I refuse to leave her as Malcolm has. I promise myself, to always fight for her and do whatever I need for her. Today’s not the day for me to be sad, but to be happy and over joyed my baby is healthy. Seeing her finally has spawned something inside of me. No matter what, I will make sure she has the best life possible. I will fight for it, for her. Always for my Gabriella.
One month later
“Mom!”
“Yes, Ava?”
“Can you please come help me? I have no idea what I’m doing.”
I hear mom’s steps coming up the stairs and to my room. It has been a long and frustrating month. Since getting out of the hospital, I’ve had a hard time with Gabbie. She always cries and most of the time, I have no idea why. Thank God, mom and dad told me I could come stay with them as long as I needed to. I finally told them my last day at the hospital what happened with Malcolm. I had no choice when he never showed up to see Gabbie or when he didn’t call. I know mom was upset about the whole deal, but dad, he was livid. I’d never heard dad utter one cuss word until that day. I still didn’t understand the reason why Malcolm up and left when he did, but I decided, that Gabbie and I didn’t need him.
Viktor, on the other hand, never left my side. A stranger stayed with me over the father of my child. Go figure. Viktor has been great. He has come over every day to see Gabbie and me. Mom’s officially in love with the man, but when I ask her how she knows he doesn’t have an ulterior motive, she shrugs her shoulders and simply says, “I can tell.” Dad, well let’s just say it’s going to take him a little longer to come around. I still can’t figure out how I feel about the whole situation. A part of me loves he continues to come over, but another part of me, is afraid of what it means. I’m so conflicted of how he makes me feel every time I see his gorgeous smile. I can’t help but to be weary and to have my guard up.
“Ava, you’re going to have to learn how to do this on your own. I can’t always be here to help you.”
I sigh knowing she’s right. “I’m sorry, mom. I just don’t want to get this whole motherhood thing wrong. What if I mess it all up? What if I’m a terrible parent?”
Mom smiles at me and I think for a minute she has lost her mind. “Honey, all new parents feel this way. I know I did after I had you.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes. I remember the first month I hardly slept worrying about you. I worried that I wasn’t feeding you enough, or then feeding you too much. Motherhood doesn’t come at the snap of your fingers. It’ll take some time to get it right. But honey, you won’t be a bad mother. Gabbie already knows she’s loved. That’s why she cries a lot. You have spoiled her holding her all the time.”
I roll my eyes at my mom. She’s being over dramatic. I don’t hold her that much. Okay maybe I do, but I can’t help myself. I have to be near her. I have to make sure she’s alright and is still here. Some days I think this is all a dream.
“Mom, I just need you to hold her for just a minute. I need to figure out this bath tub thing. I don’t want her drowning.”
“Ava, stop worrying. She’ll be fine. Now, hand me my grandbaby.”
I give mom her wish and I go into the bathroom to make sure I have everything right for her bath. Mom’s right about me worrying all the time. I worry about anything and everything. No matter how big or small it may be. I feel like I might be going crazy, but then again, I tell myself it’s better to worry about the small things than nothing at all. Like the way she sleeps scares me to death. I worry she’ll roll over and smother herself, even though I know she isn’t old enough to be able to roll over yet. I worry about SIDS. I wouldn’t know what I would do if I walked in on her and she just wasn’t breathing. Or the way random people walk up to us in the grocery store and want to hold her. What about germs? I know one lady thought I was insane for making her use hand sanitizer before touching her. The thing is, I can’t help myself from worrying about these things. I hope all new mothers go through this and it’s not just me.
I hear mom talking to Gabbie and it makes me smile. I love that mom and dad are showing my little girl so much attention. It warms my heart knowing she’ll always know she is loved. Just like me when I was growing up.
I lean over the tub and I start to fill the baby tub with lukewarm water. I fill it just enough to where I can bath her. I don’t want to risk putting too much water in there. I check the water three more times before I go and get Gabbie from mom. She hands her over and leaves the room before I can ask her to help me with bath time. This is the fourth time I have done this and I still feel nervous about it. Gabbie on the other hand, loves bath time. She just lays back and watches me in wonderment. I’ve a feeling she’s going to be a very smart little girl.
As I bath her, I talk to her like she’s old enough to understand me. The crazy thing is, she looks like she’s listening to me. I’m sure she can’t comprehend what I’m saying, but the way she looks at me, makes me think she might. Maybe she just likes the sound of my voice. Either way, I love how she looks at me. One month old and she knows who her mama is. She makes little gurgling sounds and she moves her arms and legs. She likes it when I talk to her. Gabbie makes me smile and I never thought I would be so happy. Funny how I thought my whole world was ending the day she was born. Turns out,
Gabbie is the best thing to ever happen to me.
She mostly sleeps whether it be in my arms, moms, or dads. She’s really a great baby. Well when she isn’t crying. I still haven’t managed to get her to sleep in my old bassinet that mom found in our garage. And even though I’m back living with mom and dad, I wouldn’t change anything about having her in my life. I think maybe Malcolm did me a favor leaving the way he did. If he hadn’t proposed and told me he wanted us to be a family, I might have given her up for an adoption. As much as Malcolm hurt me by leaving without a word, I owe him a thank you. At times I when I hold Gabbie, I look at her beautiful face and I let the tears fall. I hate that Malcolm is missing out on so much already and I hate that Gabbie won’t know her father either. How could he up and disappear without a single word, and not want to be a part of this amazing baby’s life is unimaginable to me. But, at the same time, I won’t make someone try and be in her life if they choose not to be. It’s not like I haven’t tried more than once over this past month to get a hold of him. I’ve called so many times, only to get his voicemail. I even called his parents’ house to get the maid. I leave a message every time, but I’ve yet to get a call back from any of them. I’ve given up on trying to make Malcolm see how much he’s missing, but the silver lining is, I don’t have to deal with Tina anymore.
I take Gabbie out of the tub and I wrap her little body in a towel. It’s crazy how small she is. She yawns and I know it’s going to be time for her afternoon nap soon. Maybe today she’ll let me look for work while she sleeps. I’ve no clue how she knows when she isn’t in someone’s arms. I’m telling you, she’s a smart baby. I bring her close to my chest and I take in her sweet baby smell. I give her a kiss on each cheek and I walk into my bedroom. I lay her down on my bed as I get her onesie. She starts to cry a bit and I quickly pick one before she starts crying louder.
“Shh, don’t cry baby girl. Mommy’s right here,” I tell her and she instantly stops crying.