by Brie Paisley
I look down at my feet, hating his mother even more. I know it was wrong of him to leave, but it’s also his mother’s fault for him disappearing. “Why didn’t you ever call or try to see Gabbie before?”
“Honestly, I was scared. The entire time we were together, I was freaking out inside. I didn’t know how to deal with it and I didn’t know the first thing about being a dad.” I don’t want to feel bad for him, but I do. He’s the father of my child. Even if he never comes around again, there will always be a soft spot for him because of Gabbie. Because he helped give me the greatest gift imaginable. I really don’t know what else to say to him. I’m grateful he’s letting this custody thing go, and I agree that he’s not the man Gabbie needs in her life. I hate that her and I had to go through so much just to get here, but maybe in a way it was a lesson for all of us.
“Where will you go?” I ask when he turns to leave again.
He shrugs and says, “I’m not sure. I have a few friends up north that I can crash with until I figure it out.” He walks over to me and runs the back of his hand down my face. “I wish things could’ve been different for us. That’s another thing I’ll regret.” He leans down and kisses my forehead and he hugs me tightly. I sigh deeply, feeling a huge weight being lifted off me. I hug him back, and when steps away, I finally feel nothing for him. No anger, confusion, or even sadness. It’s as if he’s just another person, another stranger in the crowd. I watch as he drives away, and right before I walk back in the house, I see Viktor’s car sitting a few yards away from the house.
I stare as his car drives away, but instead of calling him on his phone and beg him to let me explain, I walk inside and shut the door behind me.
Two months later
I stare at the pink lines on the fourth pregnancy test. It’s déjà vu, only this time, I’m almost two years older and I didn’t get knocked up at party. I set the test down by the other three, wondering how in the world did this happen? I know how it happened, but I’m on the shot. I turn to the door as Gabbie bangs on the other side, wanting to see what I’m doing.
“Hold on a minute.” I open the door and she runs in the bathroom.
“Mommy, what you doing?”
“I had to go to the bathroom.” I start to walk out, but Gabbie goes to the sink where my tests are. She stares at them and before I can tell her to leave them alone, she grabs two off the sink and runs out of the bathroom.
“Gabriella, get back here!” She giggles as I chase her down the stairs. She’s waving both tests around her head screaming, “Mommy’s sticks!”
“Gabbie, give them to me now.”
“No, mommy, I play wid dem sticks.”
She hides behind my mom and I close my eyes knowing she’s about to find out I’m pregnant. Again. I have got to be the most fertile woman ever. “Gabbie, please give them to me.”
She giggles and mom bends down and picks her up. “What have you got there?”
Shit. Mom pulls my tests out of Gabbie’s hands and looks right at me. She tosses both tests in the trash and says, “Gabbie, we need to wash your hands. These had pee on them. They’re nasty.”
“Oh no! Gammie, dem nasy!” I can’t help but to laugh. Mom helps Gabbie wash her hands then puts her down. Gabbie runs off saying, “Dem nasy sticks,” over and over. That child of mine is something else.
“Do you have something to tell me?” Mom asks. I look at her and shrug.
“I guess I’m pregnant again.”
“Honey, this is great news!” She hugs me and rubs my back. I don’t know why she’s so happy about it. Viktor hasn’t tried to speak to me since seeing Malcolm and I together on the porch two months ago, so it doesn’t look like he’ll be a part of the baby’s life. He still calls Gabbie every day, but he doesn’t try to talk to me anymore.
“Mom,” I pull away from her. “How’s this a good thing? I swear it’s like the time with Malcolm all over again. Just different circumstances.’’
“Ava, how can you say that? Viktor’s going to be thrilled!”
“He hasn’t even tried to talk to me in two months. How can you say he’ll be happy about this?” I want him to be thrilled about the baby, I really do, and I just have to be realistic about it.
“Well, you haven’t exactly tried talking to him either.”
“Mom, please. I don’t want to get into it.”
“You have to tell him, Ava.” I sigh, knowing she’s right. He would eventually find out, no doubt from Gabbie’s big mouth.
“I’m just going to make an appointment and go from there. I can’t worry about Viktor right now.” Mom doesn’t seem to hear me. She’s already planning the damn baby shower. I just hope it’s not another girl. I don’t know if I could handle all that pink again. I nod and slowly walk away as she keeps talking about it. I pull out my phone and I call my doctor, making an appointment for a few days from now.
I hang up and sigh, wondering what the hell am I going to do with two kids?
I wait for Dr. Brightstone to come back with the results of my pregnancy test. I know it’ll be positive. I never miss a period and with the morning sickness, I just knew even before I took four tests. I see her walk back into my room, smiling at me.
“Positive right?”
“It sure is. Congratulations, Ava.”
She starts to go over the routine things like taking my prenatal vitamins again, upcoming appointments, and she tells me we’re going to an exam to check to see how far along I am. I nod and listen to her talk. I’ve been here before, I know all this already, but I think she’s just being thorough with her job. I don’t really mind. It’s helping to keep my nerves and thoughts of Viktor away.
“Ready to see your baby?” I nod and I lay back on the table, as she squirts the cold blue gel on my belly.
“Just relax for me, okay. I’ll make it quick,” she says to me as she taps on the sonogram machine and turns it to me. “There he or she is. Baby looks great and I’d say you’re around ten to twelve weeks along.” She saves the shot and prints me a picture to take home. I’m glad when she gives me a napkin to wipe the gel off and I slowly sit up. I hold the grainy picture in my hands and I start to tear up. I can’t help but to wish Viktor was here with me.
“Ava, are you alright?”
I wipe the tear that escapes and look up at her. “Yeah, I’m fine. A bit emotional, but that’s expected right?” I laugh thinking I’m always emotional.
“Yes, you know how it goes. Hormones and all that.” I nod and she asks, “Do you have any questions for me?”
“I do have one. I was on the shot, and I’m just curious to how I was able to get pregnant.”
“Well, as you know, the Depo shot isn’t one hundred percent, just like with all birth control. Sometimes when it’s getting close to the time for another round, the shot will wear off faster than it’s supposed to. It doesn’t happen very often, but that’s why we always encourage using protection a month before you’re supposed to come back in.”
“That’s what I don’t understand. Viktor and I were always care …” I stop myself. I close my eyes, remembering the one and only time Viktor hadn’t used a condom. I glance up to Dr. Brightstone, and say, “There was one time we didn’t use protection.”
“One time is all it takes I’m afraid.”
“Yeah, seems that way.”
“Is there anything else you want to ask me?” When I tell her no, she tells me I can get dressed. I quickly put my clothes back on, and I realize I need to stop by my house and grab some more things. I haven’t been back since the night Viktor confessed to using me. I don’t want to go back there, but I’m running out of things to wear. I look down at my T-shirt, thinking I’ve worn this one so many times, it’s losing it’s color.
I leave the doctor’s office and I call mom. “How’d it go?”
“It went fine, mom. Thank you for watching Gabbie for me. There’s no way she would’ve let me get checked out.” Mom laughs and agrees with me. “I’m just goi
ng to go grab a few things from the house and I’ll be on my way back.”
“Okay honey. Take your time and be careful.”
“I will, mom. Bye.” I hang up the phone and I turn up the radio as I make the hour drive back to my old home.
I sit in the SUV longer than I should. All I can do is stare at my house that I once loved coming to. So many memories were made in there, and I have to shake my head to make the memories stop. I slowly get out, thankful I don’t see Viktor’s car here. I really don’t know where he is or what he’s been up to. But at the same time, maybe it’s best to just go our separate ways. So much had happened in one night and even though Malcolm isn’t in the picture anymore, I still don’t know if I can forgive Viktor for using me like he did.
I walk up the steps as I pull out my house key. I linger for a moment before I open the door and walk inside. I set the keys down on the small table by the door and I can’t believe how everything looks the same. It’s as if Gabbie and I never left. If anything, it looks like someone has recently cleaned. Gabbie’s toys are neatly placed in her toy box in the corner in the living room. There’s no dishes in the sink, and the floor is shining as if it was just waxed. I wonder if Viktor has been staying here, but I quickly shove that thought away. I push back my shoulders, ignoring all the memories trying to come forth, and I head to my bedroom.
I open my bedroom door and again, it looks like the entire house has been cleaned. My bed is made, the clothes I remember being on the floor are gone. I sigh, hating that I don’t live here anymore. I wish things had worked out differently, but I can’t change the past. I grab a duffle bag out of the closet and I start to fill it with some of my things. I go to my dresser to grab more clothes when I see some of Viktor’s shirts sitting neatly by mine. I touch them, remembering when he moved in. I sigh deeply as I shut the drawer and I pick up a picture of Viktor, Gabbie, and I. I sit down on the bed as I stare at it. I don’t know how long I just sit and stare at the picture of us. We are happy, all three of us smiling. And I realize how much I miss being happy. How much I miss Viktor. I never knew how happy I could be with someone else. After Malcolm had left almost two years ago, I never let myself think about it. But, somehow, Viktor got to me. Made me love him.
I touch his face on the picture reliving memory after memory of us together. Of how he used to laugh, and make Gabbie laugh. How he’d just look at me and I knew he wanted me, making me feel loved. I remember all the times I danced for him at the club and how much he loved to watch me. I think about the first time he made me orgasm on the couch, and the first time he made love to me. The memories are overwhelming.
I stand quickly, dropping the picture when I hear him clear his throat. “Viktor, what are you doing here?” I can’t believe he’s here. And dammit, my body comes alive just by seeing him again. I finally feel my heart racing again. I feel my stomach doing flips, then I think maybe that’s the baby.
“You’re mom called me.”
“What? Why would she do that?”
“Well, her exact words were, ‘Get your ass over there now’ and I did what I was told.”
I still can’t believe he’s here. Somehow, I can’t be angry with mom at telling him where I was. She’s been pushing me to talk or see him for weeks now. It’s surreal seeing him again, but I can tell he hasn’t been sleeping much. He really needs to shave and his eyes look tired. Maybe he’s been working hard, and not feeling the same thing I am. Regret. Hurt. But most of all, sadness. “I just came to get a few things.” I tell him, not really knowing what else to say.
“Yeah, your mom told me.”
We both stare at each other, not really knowing what to say or do. I decide I need to leave, so I bend down and pick up my bag. “I’m just … I’m going to go.” I start to walk out the door but Viktor lightly touches my arm.
“Please, Ava. Stay.”
“Why, Viktor?”
He turns me to him and says, “Because, I fucking miss you and I want to talk to you. It can’t end this way. I won’t let it end like this.”
“Okay, Viktor. We can talk but not in here.” I look back to the bed and think this is definitely not the place we need to have this conversation. He nods, trying not to girn, and picks up my bag. I follow him downstairs, and he sits my bag by the couch. He sits down and he pats the cushion beside him for me to sit. I do, but not right by him. I need distance and I need my head to be clear for us to be able to talk.
I move trying to get comfortable. I remember the sonogram picture in my back pocket, and I know this is time to tell him. “Viktor, I …”
“No, please, Ava. Let me say this first and if you still want to leave and not be with me, then I won’t stop you.”
“Alright.”
He sighs and he moves closer to me. I look away, wishing I didn’t feel so shy around him again. “Please don’t shy away from me. I just need to be near you.”
“I’m sorry, Viktor. I just …” I clear my throat, feeling a lump forming. “You really hurt me.”
“I know, moya lyubov', and for that I am so very sorry.” He wipes a tear from my face that I hadn’t realized fell. “Please, don’t cry. I hate what I did to you and I hate myself more each day knowing you feel as though I used you.”
“You did. Viktor, you only stayed because I was a part of some fucked up revenge plan.”
His hand drops from my face and he says, “In the beginning yes. I know what I did was stupid and selfish. But, I promise you, after I started to get to know you and the more I stayed around you and Gabbie, it wasn’t like that.” I can see he’s sincere from the look in his eyes, but can I believe him? “I can’t go back and change what I did. I still don’t know I would if I could. Meeting you and Gabbie has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I hated myself with each passing day that I didn’t tell you about the birth certificate or tell you what my intentions were. I know it was wrong. I know I should’ve never gone through with it, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was angry and I saw a way to get back at Malcolm. I thought by taking his family away that would make him suffer.”
I still don’t understand why Viktor felt the need to do all of this to Malcolm. I cross my arms around my waist feeling my stomach flutter. “I still don’t understand why, Viktor.”
He rubs his face with his hand and then runs it through his hair. “I was in a bad place back then. I was angry at everyone. Nothing in my life had any meaning and I really didn’t see a purpose in life anymore. I was still angry with Misty for what she did to me all those years ago, and at the time, I thought Sebastian had betrayed me too. I held on to that anger for so long. I didn’t know how to let it go and move on. Then Malcolm came to me one night asking for a loan, and I didn’t hesitate in giving it to him. When Malcolm skipped out on me, I channeled all my anger onto him. A part of me wanted to make him pay, then the other part of me was jealous.”
“Jealous? Of Malcolm?” I never thought Viktor would ever be jealous of Malcolm.
“He had everything any person could want. He had the money that he blew with gambling. He had the girl.” He touches my leg and says, “He was going to have the beautiful family I wanted. I couldn’t understand why a man like him could care so less about something so important. Once I found out his father knew my biggest client, and how they actually owned another business together, I was overwhelmed and consumed by the rage. I knew there was no way I could get my money back from him. The client was into some criminal activities and since Malcolm’s father and the client had been friends since college, I knew Malcolm’s father wouldn’t let his friend go down. Also, I couldn’t risk losing one of my biggest clients. There was no way Malcolm was going to be a man and take care of it himself. Then I realized he let his parents take care of it by whisking him away. I just didn’t get it. Why in the world Malcolm treated you the way he did, then left you and Gabbie to get away from me. I would’ve never ran away like a coward.”
“Is that why you were so against him seeing Gabbie?”
/>
“Partly, yes. I didn’t think he deserved a second chance with her. The other part, was because I didn’t want him here. I knew eventually you would find out what I did, and you’d think I used you.”
I look down at his hand on my leg. I still feel like I was used. I feel as though the entire time he was with me, it was nothing but lies after lies. I glance back up at him and ask, “Was any of it real for you?”
“Oh, moya lyubov'. It was all real for me. Nothing I told you was a lie, expect the part with Malcolm. I’ve never once lied to you how I feel about you or how much you mean to me. Even when I saw you and Malcolm that day at your parent’s house. I still love you, even if you gave him another chance.”
“I knew that was you. You don’t have to worry about Malcolm anymore. He was telling me goodbye that day. Is that why you stopped trying to talk to me?”
“Yes. I hated it, but I thought if you really wanted him, I would let you go. Clearly I was wrong about that.”
“Yes, you were. You were wrong about a lot of things, Viktor.”
“I know, moya lyubov'. But I’m begging for you to forgive me and give me another chance.”
I look away from him, not ready to give in yet. There’s still more I need to know. “Did the lawyer know what you had done?”
“Yes. Once she looked over all the documents she instantly figured it out. I’m not proud of it, but she told me I’d fucked up.”
“Is that why you were so angry that day?”
He rubs his face and says, “Yes. I was angrier with myself, and what I’d done. I knew I couldn’t change it. I didn’t know how to make it all go away, and I knew it was only a matter of time before it all came crashing down on me.” He glances at me and tells me, “I am so dammed sorry. I don’t want you to ever think I used you. Please tell me you believe me.”