The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works

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The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works Page 159

by William Shakespeare


  There’s villainous news abroad: here was Sir John

  Bracy from your father; you must to the court in the

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  morning. That same mad fellow of the north, Percy,

  and he of Wales that gave Amamon the bastinado, and

  made Lucifer cuckold, and swore the devil his true

  liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh hook – what a

  plague call you him?

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  POINS O, Glendower.

  FALSTAFF Owen, Owen, the same; and his son-in-law

  Mortimer, and old Northumberland, and that

  sprightly Scot of Scots, Douglas, that runs a-

  horseback up a hill perpendicular –

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  PRINCE He that rides at high speed, and with his pistol

  kills a sparrow flying.

  FALSTAFF You have hit it.

  PRINCE So did he never the sparrow.

  FALSTAFF Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him, he

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  will not run.

  PRINCE Why, what a rascal art thou then, to praise him

  so for running!

  FALSTAFF A-horseback, ye cuckoo, but afoot he will not

  budge a foot.

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  PRINCE Yes, Jack, upon instinct.

  FALSTAFF I grant ye, upon instinct: well, he is there too,

  and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more.

  Worcester is stolen away tonight; thy father’s beard is

  turned white with the news; you may buy land now as

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  cheap as stinking mackerel.

  PRINCE Why then, it is like if there come a hot June, and

  this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads as

  they buy hob-nails, by the hundreds.

  FALSTAFF By the mass, lad, thou sayest true, it is like we

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  shall have good trading that way. But tell me, Hal, art

  not thou horrible afeard? Thou being heir apparent,

  could the world pick thee out three such enemies

  again, as that fiend Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that

  devil Glendower? Art thou not horribly afraid? Doth

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  not thy blood thrill at it?

  PRINCE Not a whit, i’faith, I lack some of thy instinct.

  FALSTAFF Well, thou wilt be horribly chid tomorrow

  when thou comest to thy father; if thou love me

  practise an answer.

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  PRINCE Do thou stand for my father and examine me

  upon the particulars of my life.

  FALSTAFF Shall I? Content! This chair shall be my

  state, this dagger my sceptre, and this cushion my

  crown.

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  PRINCE Thy state is taken for a joint-stool, thy golden

  sceptre for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich

  crown for a pitiful bald crown.

  FALSTAFF Well, and the fire of grace be not quite out of

  thee, now shalt thou be moved. Give me a cup of sack

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  to make my eyes look red, that it may be thought I

  have wept, for I must speak in passion, and I will do it

  in King Cambyses’ vein.

  PRINCE Well, here is my leg.

  FALSTAFF And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.

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  HOSTESS O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i’faith.

  FALSTAFF

  Weep not, sweet Queen, for trickling tears are vain.

  HOSTESS O the Father, how he holds his countenance!

  FALSTAFF

  For God’s sake, lords, convey my tristful Queen,

  For tears do stop the floodgates of her eyes.

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  HOSTESS O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these harlotry

  players as ever I see!

  FALSTAFF Peace, good pint-pot, peace, good tickle-

  brain. – Harry, I do not only marvel where thou

  spendest thy time, but also how thou art accompanied.

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  For though the camomile, the more it is trodden on

  the faster it grows, yet youth, the more it is wasted the

  sooner it wears. That thou art my son I have partly thy

  mother’s word, partly my own opinion, but chiefly a

  villainous trick of thine eye, and a foolish hanging of

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  thy nether lip, that doth warrant me. If then thou be

  son to me, here lies the point – why, being son to me,

  art thou so pointed at? Shall the blessed sun of heaven

  prove a micher, and eat blackberries? A question not to

  be asked. Shall the son of England prove a thief, and

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  take purses? A question to be asked. There is a thing,

  Harry, which thou hast often heard of, and it is known

  to many in our land by the name of pitch. This pitch

  (as ancient writers do report) doth defile, so doth the

  company thou keepest: for, Harry, now I do not speak

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  to thee in drink, but in tears; not in pleasure, but in

  passion; not in words only, but in woes also. And yet

  there is a virtuous man whom I have often noted in thy

  company, but I know not his name.

  PRINCE What manner of man, and it like your Majesty?

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  FALSTAFF A goodly portly man, i’faith, and a corpulent;

  of a cheerful look, a pleasing eye, and a most noble

  carriage; and, as I think, his age some fifty, or by’r lady

  inclining to threescore; and now I remember me, his

  name is Falstaff. If that man should be lewdly given,

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  he deceiveth me; for, Harry, I see virtue in his looks. If

  then the tree may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by

  the tree, then peremptorily I speak it, there is virtue in

  that Falstaff; him keep with, the rest banish. And tell

  me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me where hast thou

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  been this month?

  PRINCE Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for

  me, and I’ll play my father.

  FALSTAFF Depose me? If thou dost it half so gravely, so

  majestically, both in word and matter, hang me up by

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  the heels for a rabbit-sucker, or a poulter’s hare.

  PRINCE Well, here I am set.

  FALSTAFF And here I stand. Judge, my masters.

  PRINCE Now, Harry, whence come you?

  FALSTAFF My noble lord, from Eastcheap.

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  PRINCE The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.

  FALSTAFF ‘Sblood, my lord, they are false: nay, I’ll

  tickle ye for a young prince, i’faith.

  PRINCE Swearest thou, ungracious boy? Henceforth

  ne’er look on me. Thou art violently carried away

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  from grace, there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness

  of an old fat man, a tun of man is thy companion. Why

  dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, that

  bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of

  dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed

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  cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with

  the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey

  iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?

  Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink it?

  wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and eat

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  it? wherein cunning, but in craft? wherein crafty, but

  in villainy? wherein villainous, but in all things?

  wherein worthy, but in nothing?

  FALSTAFF I
would your Grace would take me with you:

  whom means your Grace?

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  PRINCE That villainous abominable misleader of youth,

  Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.

  FALSTAFF My lord, the man I know.

  PRINCE I know thou dost.

  FALSTAFF But to say I know more harm in him than in

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  myself were to say more than I know. That he is old,

  the more the pity, his white hairs do witness it, but

  that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster, that I

  utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault, God help the

  wicked! If to be old and merry be a sin, then many an

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  old host that I know is damned: if to be fat be to be

  hated, then Pharaoh’s lean kine are to be loved. No,

  my good lord; banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish

  Poins – but for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff,

  true Jack Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore

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  more valiant, being as he is old Jack Falstaff, banish

  not him thy Harry’s company, banish not him thy

  Harry’s company, banish plump Jack, and banish all

  the world.

  PRINCE I do, I will.

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  [A knocking heard.]

  Exeunt Hostess, Francis and Bardolph.

  Re-enter BARDOLPH, running.

  BARDOLPH O my lord, my lord, the sheriff with a most

  monstrous watch is at the door.

  FALSTAFF Out, ye rogue! Play out the play! I have much

  to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.

  Re-enter the Hostess.

  HOSTESS O Jesu, my lord, my lord!

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  PRINCE Heigh, heigh, the devil rides upon a fiddle-

  stick, what’s the matter?

  HOSTESS The sheriff and all the watch are at the door;

  they are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?

  FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, Hal? Never call a true piece

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  of gold a counterfeit: thou art essentially made without

  seeming so.

  PRINCE And thou a natural coward without instinct.

  FALSTAFF I deny your major. If you will deny the

  sheriff, so; if not, let him enter. If I become not a cart

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  as well as another man, a plague on my bringing up! I

  hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as

  another.

  PRINCE Go hide thee behind the arras, the rest walk up

  above. Now, my masters, for a true face, and good

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  conscience.

  FALSTAFF Both which I have had, but their date is out,

  and therefore I’ll hide me.

  Exeunt all but the Prince and Peto.

  PRINCE Call in the sheriff.

  Enter Sheriff and the Carrier.

  Now, master sheriff, what is your will with me?

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  SHERIFF First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry

  Hath follow’d certain men unto this house.

  PRINCE What men?

  SHERIFF One of them is well known, my gracious lord,

  A gross fat man.

  1 CARRIER As fat as butter.

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  PRINCE The man I do assure you is not here,

  For I myself at this time have employ’d him:

  And sheriff, I will engage my word to thee,

  That I will by tomorrow dinner-time

  Send him to answer thee, or any man,

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  For anything he shall be charg’d withal;

  And so let me entreat you leave the house.

  SHERIFF I will, my lord: there are two gentlemen

  Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.

  PRINCE It may be so: if he have robb’d these men

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  He shall be answerable; and so, farewell.

  SHERIFF Good night, my noble lord.

  PRINCE I think it is good morrow, is it not?

  SHERIFF Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o’clock.

  Exit, with Carrier.

  PRINCE This oily rascal is known as well as Paul’s: go

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  call him forth.

  PETO Falstaff! – Fast asleep behind the arras, and

  snorting like a horse.

  PRINCE Hark how hard he fetches breath – search his

  pockets. [He searcheth his pockets, and findeth certain

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  papers.] What hast thou found?

  PETO Nothing but papers, my lord.

  PRINCE Let’s see what they be, read them.

  PETO [Reads.]

  Item a capon … 2s. 2d.

  Item sauce … .4d.

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  Item sack two gallons. .5s. 8d.

  Item anchovies and sack after supper 2s. 6d.

  Item bread … .ob.

  PRINCE O monstrous! but one halfpennyworth of bread

 

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