The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works

Home > Fiction > The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works > Page 173
The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works Page 173

by William Shakespeare


  too hot, they’ll come in straight.

  FRANCIS Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master

  Poins anon, and they will put on two of our jerkins and

  15

  aprons, and Sir John must not know of it; Bardolph

  hath brought word.

  3 DRAWER By the mass, here will be old utis; it will be an

  excellent stratagem.

  2 DRAWER I’ll see if I can find out Sneak.

  20

  Exit with Third Drawer.

  Enter Hostess and DOLL TEARSHEET.

  HOSTESS I’faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in

  an excellent good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as

  extraordinarily as heart would desire, and your colour

  I warrant you is as red as any rose, in good truth, la!

  But i’faith you have drunk too much canaries, and

  25

  that’s a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes

  the blood ere one can say, ‘What’s this?’ How do you

  now?

  DOLL Better than I was – hem!

  HOSTESS

  Why, that’s well said – a good heart’s worth gold.

  30

  Lo, here comes Sir John.

  Enter FALSTAFF, singing.

  FALSTAFF

  ‘When Arthur first in court’ – Empty the jordan.

  Exit Francis.

  – ‘And was a worthy king’ – How now, Mistress Doll?

  HOSTESS Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.

  FALSTAFF So is all her sect; and they be once in a calm

  35

  they are sick.

  DOLL A pox damn you, you muddy rascal, is that all the

  comfort you give me?

  FALSTAFF You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

  DOLL I make them? Gluttony and diseases make them,

  40

  I make them not.

  FALSTAFF If the cook help to make the gluttony, you

  help to make the diseases, Doll; we catch of you, Doll,

  we catch of you; grant that, my poor virtue, grant that.

  DOLL Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.

  45

  FALSTAFF ‘Your brooches, pearls, and ouches’ – for to

  serve bravely is to come halting off, you know; to come

  off the breach, with his pike bent bravely; and to

  surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged

  chambers bravely; –

  50

  DOLL Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang

  yourself!

  HOSTESS By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two

  never meet but you fall to some discord. You are both

  i’ good truth as rheumatic as two dry toasts, you

  55

  cannot one bear with another’s confirmities. What the

  goodyear! one must bear, [to Doll] and that must be

  you – you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the

  emptier vessel.

  DOLL Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge

  60

  full hogshead? There’s a whole merchant’s venture

  of Bordeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a

  hulk better stuffed in the hold. Come, I’ll be friends

  with thee, Jack, thou art going to the wars, and

  whether I shall ever see thee again or no there is

  65

  nobody cares.

  Enter Drawer.

  DRAWER Sir, Ancient Pistol’s below, and would speak

  with you.

  DOLL Hang him, swaggering rascal, let him not

  come hither: it is the foul-mouth’dst rogue in

  70

  England.

  HOSTESS If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by

  my faith! I must live among my neighbours, I’ll no

  swaggerers. I am in good name and fame with the very

  best. Shut the door, there comes no swaggerers here. I

  75

  have not lived all this while to have swaggering now.

  Shut the door I pray you.

  FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, hostess?

  HOSTESS Pray ye pacify yourself, Sir John, there comes

  no swaggerers here.

  80

  FALSTAFF Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.

  HOSTESS Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne’er tell me: and your

  ancient swagger, a comes not in my doors. I was before

  Master Tisick the debuty t’other day, and, as he said

  to me – ’twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, i’

  85

  good faith – ‘Neighbour Quickly,’ says he – Master

  Dumb our minister was by then – ‘Neighbour

  Quickly,’ says he, ‘receive those that are civil, for’, said

  he, ‘you are in an ill name’ – now a said so, I can tell

  whereupon. ‘For’, says he, ‘you are an honest woman,

  90

  and well thought on, therefore take heed what guests

  you receive; receive’, says he, ‘no swaggering

  companions’: there comes none here. You would bless

  you to hear what he said. No, I’ll no swaggerers.

  FALSTAFF He’s no swaggerer, hostess, a tame cheater,

  95

  i’faith, you may stroke him as gently as a puppy

  greyhound. He’ll not swagger with a Barbary hen, if

  her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. Call

  him up, drawer. Exit Drawer.

  HOSTESS Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest

  100

  man my house, nor no cheater, but I do not love

  swaggering, by my troth, I am the worse when one

  says ‘swagger’. Feel, masters, how I shake, look you, I

  warrant you.

  DOLL So you do, hostess.

  105

  HOSTESS Do I? Yea, in very truth do I, and ’twere an

  aspen leaf. I cannot abide swaggerers.

  Enter Ancient PISTOL, BARDOLPH and Page.

  PISTOL God save you, Sir John!

  FALSTAFF Welcome, Ancient Pistol! Here, Pistol, I

  charge you with a cup of sack; do you discharge upon

  110

  mine hostess.

  PISTOL I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two

  bullets.

  FALSTAFF She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall not hardly

  offend her.

  115

  HOSTESS Come, I’ll drink no proofs, nor no bullets; I’ll

  drink no more than will do me good, for no man’s

  pleasure, I.

  PISTOL Then to you, Mistress Dorothy! I will charge

  you.

  120

  DOLL Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion.

  What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen

  mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for

  your master.

  PISTOL I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

  125

  DOLL Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung, away!

  By this wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy

  chaps and you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away,

  you bottle-ale rascal, you basket-hilt stale juggler, you!

  Since when, I pray you, sir? God’s light, with two

  130

  points on your shoulder? Much!

  PISTOL God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff

  for this.

  FALSTAFF No more, Pistol! I would not have you go off

  here. Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

  135

  HOSTESS

  No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet captain.

  DOLL Captain! Thou abominable damned cheater, art

  thou not ashamed to be called captain? And captains

  were of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for
/>   taking their names upon you before you have earned

  140

  them. You a captain? You slave! For what? For tearing

  a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain?

  Hang him, rogue, he lives upon mouldy stewed prunes

  and dried cakes. A captain? God’s light, these villains

  will make the word as odious as the word ‘occupy’,

  145

  which was an excellent good word before it was ill

  sorted: therefore captains had need look to’t.

  BARDOLPH Pray thee go down, good ancient.

  FALSTAFF Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

  PISTOL Not I! I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I

  150

  could tear her! I’ll be revenged of her.

  PAGE Pray thee go down.

  PISTOL I’ll see her damned first! To Pluto’s damnèd

  lake, by this hand, to th’infernal deep, with Erebus

  and tortures vile also! Hold hook and line, say I!

  155

  Down, down, dogs! Down, faitors! Have we not Hiren

  here? [Draws his sword.]

  HOSTESS Good Captain Peesel, be quiet, ’tis very

  late i’ faith; I beseek you now, aggravate your

  choler.

  160

  PISTOL

  These be good humours indeed! Shall pack-horses,

  And hollow pamper’d jades of Asia,

  Which cannot go but thirty mile a day,

  Compare with Caesars and with Cannibals,

  And Troyant Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with

  165

  King Cerberus, and let the welkin roar!

  Shall we fall foul for toys?

  HOSTESS By my troth, captain, these are very bitter

  words.

  BARDOLPH Be gone, good ancient, this will grow to a

  170

  brawl anon.

  PISTOL Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have

  we not Hiren here?

  HOSTESS O’ my word, captain, there’s none such here.

  What the goodyear, do you think I would deny her?

  175

  For God’s sake be quiet.

  PISTOL Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis!

  Come, give’s some sack.

  Si fortune me tormente sperato me contento.

  Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire!

  180

  Give me some sack; and sweetheart, lie thou there!

  [Lays down his sword.]

  Come we to full points here? And are etceteras nothings?

  FALSTAFF Pistol, I would be quiet.

  PISTOL Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What! we have

  seen the seven stars.

  185

  DOLL For God’s sake, thrust him downstairs, I cannot

  endure such a fustian rascal.

  PISTOL Thrust him downstairs? Know we not Galloway

  nags?

  FALSTAFF Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-

  190

  groat shilling. Nay, and a do nothing but speak

  nothing, a shall be nothing here.

  BARDOLPH Come, get you downstairs.

  PISTOL What! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue?

  [Snatches up his sword.]

  Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!

  195

  Why then let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds

  Untwind the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!

  HOSTESS Here’s goodly stuff toward!

  FALSTAFF Give me my rapier, boy.

  DOLL I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee do not draw.

  200

  FALSTAFF [drawing] Get you downstairs.

  HOSTESS Here’s a goodly tumult! I’ll forswear keeping

  house afore I’ll be in these tirrits and frights! [Falstaff

  thrusts at Pistol.] So! Murder, I warrant now! Alas,

  alas, put up your naked weapons, put up your naked

  205

  weapons. Exit Bardolph, driving Pistol out.

  DOLL I pray thee, Jack, be quiet, the rascal’s gone. Ah,

  you whoreson little valiant villain, you!

  HOSTESS Are you not hurt i’th’ groin? Methought a

  made a shrewd thrust at your belly.

  210

  Enter BARDOLPH.

  FALSTAFF Have you turned him out a-doors?

  BARDOLPH Yea, sir, the rascal’s drunk. You have hurt

  him, sir, i’th’ shoulder.

  FALSTAFF A rascal, to brave me!

  DOLL Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape,

  215

  how thou sweat’st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come

  on, you whoreson chops! Ah, rogue, i’faith, I love

  thee. Thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth

  five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than the

  Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!

  220

 

‹ Prev