too hot, they’ll come in straight.
FRANCIS Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master
Poins anon, and they will put on two of our jerkins and
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aprons, and Sir John must not know of it; Bardolph
hath brought word.
3 DRAWER By the mass, here will be old utis; it will be an
excellent stratagem.
2 DRAWER I’ll see if I can find out Sneak.
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Exit with Third Drawer.
Enter Hostess and DOLL TEARSHEET.
HOSTESS I’faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in
an excellent good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as
extraordinarily as heart would desire, and your colour
I warrant you is as red as any rose, in good truth, la!
But i’faith you have drunk too much canaries, and
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that’s a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes
the blood ere one can say, ‘What’s this?’ How do you
now?
DOLL Better than I was – hem!
HOSTESS
Why, that’s well said – a good heart’s worth gold.
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Lo, here comes Sir John.
Enter FALSTAFF, singing.
FALSTAFF
‘When Arthur first in court’ – Empty the jordan.
Exit Francis.
– ‘And was a worthy king’ – How now, Mistress Doll?
HOSTESS Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.
FALSTAFF So is all her sect; and they be once in a calm
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they are sick.
DOLL A pox damn you, you muddy rascal, is that all the
comfort you give me?
FALSTAFF You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.
DOLL I make them? Gluttony and diseases make them,
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I make them not.
FALSTAFF If the cook help to make the gluttony, you
help to make the diseases, Doll; we catch of you, Doll,
we catch of you; grant that, my poor virtue, grant that.
DOLL Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.
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FALSTAFF ‘Your brooches, pearls, and ouches’ – for to
serve bravely is to come halting off, you know; to come
off the breach, with his pike bent bravely; and to
surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged
chambers bravely; –
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DOLL Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang
yourself!
HOSTESS By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two
never meet but you fall to some discord. You are both
i’ good truth as rheumatic as two dry toasts, you
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cannot one bear with another’s confirmities. What the
goodyear! one must bear, [to Doll] and that must be
you – you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the
emptier vessel.
DOLL Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge
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full hogshead? There’s a whole merchant’s venture
of Bordeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a
hulk better stuffed in the hold. Come, I’ll be friends
with thee, Jack, thou art going to the wars, and
whether I shall ever see thee again or no there is
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nobody cares.
Enter Drawer.
DRAWER Sir, Ancient Pistol’s below, and would speak
with you.
DOLL Hang him, swaggering rascal, let him not
come hither: it is the foul-mouth’dst rogue in
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England.
HOSTESS If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by
my faith! I must live among my neighbours, I’ll no
swaggerers. I am in good name and fame with the very
best. Shut the door, there comes no swaggerers here. I
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have not lived all this while to have swaggering now.
Shut the door I pray you.
FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, hostess?
HOSTESS Pray ye pacify yourself, Sir John, there comes
no swaggerers here.
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FALSTAFF Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.
HOSTESS Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne’er tell me: and your
ancient swagger, a comes not in my doors. I was before
Master Tisick the debuty t’other day, and, as he said
to me – ’twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, i’
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good faith – ‘Neighbour Quickly,’ says he – Master
Dumb our minister was by then – ‘Neighbour
Quickly,’ says he, ‘receive those that are civil, for’, said
he, ‘you are in an ill name’ – now a said so, I can tell
whereupon. ‘For’, says he, ‘you are an honest woman,
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and well thought on, therefore take heed what guests
you receive; receive’, says he, ‘no swaggering
companions’: there comes none here. You would bless
you to hear what he said. No, I’ll no swaggerers.
FALSTAFF He’s no swaggerer, hostess, a tame cheater,
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i’faith, you may stroke him as gently as a puppy
greyhound. He’ll not swagger with a Barbary hen, if
her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. Call
him up, drawer. Exit Drawer.
HOSTESS Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest
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man my house, nor no cheater, but I do not love
swaggering, by my troth, I am the worse when one
says ‘swagger’. Feel, masters, how I shake, look you, I
warrant you.
DOLL So you do, hostess.
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HOSTESS Do I? Yea, in very truth do I, and ’twere an
aspen leaf. I cannot abide swaggerers.
Enter Ancient PISTOL, BARDOLPH and Page.
PISTOL God save you, Sir John!
FALSTAFF Welcome, Ancient Pistol! Here, Pistol, I
charge you with a cup of sack; do you discharge upon
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mine hostess.
PISTOL I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two
bullets.
FALSTAFF She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall not hardly
offend her.
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HOSTESS Come, I’ll drink no proofs, nor no bullets; I’ll
drink no more than will do me good, for no man’s
pleasure, I.
PISTOL Then to you, Mistress Dorothy! I will charge
you.
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DOLL Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion.
What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen
mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for
your master.
PISTOL I know you, Mistress Dorothy.
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DOLL Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung, away!
By this wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy
chaps and you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away,
you bottle-ale rascal, you basket-hilt stale juggler, you!
Since when, I pray you, sir? God’s light, with two
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points on your shoulder? Much!
PISTOL God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff
for this.
FALSTAFF No more, Pistol! I would not have you go off
here. Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.
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HOSTESS
No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet captain.
DOLL Captain! Thou abominable damned cheater, art
thou not ashamed to be called captain? And captains
were of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for
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them. You a captain? You slave! For what? For tearing
a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain?
Hang him, rogue, he lives upon mouldy stewed prunes
and dried cakes. A captain? God’s light, these villains
will make the word as odious as the word ‘occupy’,
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which was an excellent good word before it was ill
sorted: therefore captains had need look to’t.
BARDOLPH Pray thee go down, good ancient.
FALSTAFF Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
PISTOL Not I! I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I
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could tear her! I’ll be revenged of her.
PAGE Pray thee go down.
PISTOL I’ll see her damned first! To Pluto’s damnèd
lake, by this hand, to th’infernal deep, with Erebus
and tortures vile also! Hold hook and line, say I!
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Down, down, dogs! Down, faitors! Have we not Hiren
here? [Draws his sword.]
HOSTESS Good Captain Peesel, be quiet, ’tis very
late i’ faith; I beseek you now, aggravate your
choler.
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PISTOL
These be good humours indeed! Shall pack-horses,
And hollow pamper’d jades of Asia,
Which cannot go but thirty mile a day,
Compare with Caesars and with Cannibals,
And Troyant Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with
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King Cerberus, and let the welkin roar!
Shall we fall foul for toys?
HOSTESS By my troth, captain, these are very bitter
words.
BARDOLPH Be gone, good ancient, this will grow to a
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brawl anon.
PISTOL Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have
we not Hiren here?
HOSTESS O’ my word, captain, there’s none such here.
What the goodyear, do you think I would deny her?
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For God’s sake be quiet.
PISTOL Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis!
Come, give’s some sack.
Si fortune me tormente sperato me contento.
Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire!
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Give me some sack; and sweetheart, lie thou there!
[Lays down his sword.]
Come we to full points here? And are etceteras nothings?
FALSTAFF Pistol, I would be quiet.
PISTOL Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What! we have
seen the seven stars.
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DOLL For God’s sake, thrust him downstairs, I cannot
endure such a fustian rascal.
PISTOL Thrust him downstairs? Know we not Galloway
nags?
FALSTAFF Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-
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groat shilling. Nay, and a do nothing but speak
nothing, a shall be nothing here.
BARDOLPH Come, get you downstairs.
PISTOL What! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue?
[Snatches up his sword.]
Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!
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Why then let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
Untwind the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!
HOSTESS Here’s goodly stuff toward!
FALSTAFF Give me my rapier, boy.
DOLL I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee do not draw.
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FALSTAFF [drawing] Get you downstairs.
HOSTESS Here’s a goodly tumult! I’ll forswear keeping
house afore I’ll be in these tirrits and frights! [Falstaff
thrusts at Pistol.] So! Murder, I warrant now! Alas,
alas, put up your naked weapons, put up your naked
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weapons. Exit Bardolph, driving Pistol out.
DOLL I pray thee, Jack, be quiet, the rascal’s gone. Ah,
you whoreson little valiant villain, you!
HOSTESS Are you not hurt i’th’ groin? Methought a
made a shrewd thrust at your belly.
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Enter BARDOLPH.
FALSTAFF Have you turned him out a-doors?
BARDOLPH Yea, sir, the rascal’s drunk. You have hurt
him, sir, i’th’ shoulder.
FALSTAFF A rascal, to brave me!
DOLL Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape,
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how thou sweat’st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come
on, you whoreson chops! Ah, rogue, i’faith, I love
thee. Thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth
five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than the
Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!
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The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works Page 173