Three-piled hyperboles, spruce affectation,
Figures pedantical: these summer flies
Have blown me full of maggot ostentation.
I do forswear them, and I here protest,
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By this white glove – how white the hand, God knows! –
Henceforth my wooing mind shall be expressed
In russet yeas and honest kersey noes.
And, to begin: wench, so God help me, law!
My love to thee is sound, sans crack or flaw.
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ROSALINE Sans ‘sans’, I pray you.
BEROWNE Yet I have a trick
Of the old rage. Bear with me, I am sick;
I’ll leave it by degrees. Soft, let us see:
Write ‘Lord have mercy on us’ on those three.
They are infected; in their hearts it lies;
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They have the plague and caught it of your eyes.
These lords are visited: you are not free,
For the Lord’s tokens on you do I see.
PRINCESS
No, they are free that gave these tokens to us.
BEROWNE Our states are forfeit. Seek not to undo us.
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ROSALINE
It is not so; for how can this be true,
That you stand forfeit, being those that sue?
BEROWNE Peace! for I will not have to do with you.
ROSALINE Nor shall not if I do as I intend.
BEROWNE [to the other lords]
Speak for yourselves. My wit is at an end.
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KING
Teach us, sweet madam, for our rude transgression
Some fair excuse.
PRINCESS The fairest is confession.
Were not you here but even now, disguised?
KING Madam, I was.
PRINCESS And were you well advised?
KING I was, fair madam.
PRINCESS When you then were here,
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What did you whisper in your lady’s ear?
KING That more than all the world I did respect her.
PRINCESS
When she shall challenge this, you will reject her.
KING Upon mine honour, no.
PRINCESS Peace, peace, forbear!
Your oath once broke, you force not to forswear.
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KING Despise me when I break this oath of mine.
PRINCESS I will; and therefore keep it. Rosaline,
What did the Russian whisper in your ear?
ROSALINE Madam, he swore that he did hold me dear
As precious eyesight and did value me
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Above this world; adding thereto, moreover,
That he would wed me, or else die my lover.
PRINCESS God give thee joy of him. The noble lord
Most honourably doth uphold his word.
KING
What mean you, madam? By my life, my troth,
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I never swore this lady such an oath.
ROSALINE By heaven you did! And to confirm it plain,
You gave me this; but take it, sir, again.
KING My faith and this the Princess I did give.
I knew her by this jewel on her sleeve.
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PRINCESS Pardon me, sir, this jewel did she wear,
And Lord Berowne, I thank him, is my dear.
What! Will you have me or your pearl again?
BEROWNE Neither of either; I remit both twain.
I see the trick on’t. Here was a consent,
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Knowing aforehand of our merriment,
To dash it like a Christmas comedy.
Some carry-tale, some please-man, some slight zany,
Some mumble-news, some trencher-knight, some Dick
That smiles his cheek in years and knows the trick
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To make my lady laugh when she’s disposed,
Told our intents before; which, once disclosed,
The ladies did change favours and then we,
Following the signs, wooed but the sign of she.
Now, to our perjury to add more terror,
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We are again forsworn in will and error.
Much upon this ’tis. [to Boyet] And might not you
Forestall our sport, to make us thus untrue?
Do not you know my lady’s foot by th’ squier,
And laugh upon the apple of her eye?
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And stand between her back, sir, and the fire,
Holding a trencher, jesting merrily?
You put our page out – Go, you are allowed;
Die when you will, a smock shall be your shroud.
You leer upon me, do you? There’s an eye
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Wounds like a leaden sword.
BOYET Full merrily
Hath this brave manage, this career, been run.
BEROWNE Lo, he is tilting straight. Peace! I have done.
Enter COSTARD, the Clown.
Welcome, pure wit! Thou partest a fair fray.
COSTARD O Lord, sir, they would know
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Whether the three Worthies shall come in or no.
BEROWNE What, are there but three?
COSTARD No, sir, but it is vara fine,
For every one pursents three.
BEROWNE And three times thrice is nine.
COSTARD
Not so, sir – under correction, sir – I hope it is not so.
You cannot beg us, sir, I can assure you, sir; we know
what we know.
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I hope, sir, three times thrice, sir –
BEROWNE Is not nine?
COSTARD Under correction, sir, we know whereuntil it doth amount.
BEROWNE By Jove, I always took three threes for nine.
COSTARD O Lord, sir, it were pity you should get your
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living by reckoning, sir.
BEROWNE How much is it?
COSTARD O Lord, sir, the parties themselves, the actors,
sir, will show whereuntil it doth amount. For mine
own part, I am, as they say, but to parfect one man in
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one poor man – Pompion the Great, sir.
BEROWNE Art thou one of the Worthies?
COSTARD It pleased them to think me worthy of
Pompey the Great. For mine own part, I know not the
degree of the Worthy, but I am to stand for him.
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BEROWNE Go bid them prepare.
COSTARD We will turn it finely off, sir; we will take
some care. Exit.
KING
Berowne, they will shame us. Let them not approach.
BEROWNE
We are shame-proof, my lord; and ’tis some policy
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To have one show worse than the King’s and his company.
KING I say they shall not come.
PRINCESS Nay, my good lord, let me o’errule you now.
That sport best pleases that doth least know how –
Where zeal strives to content and the contents
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Dies in the zeal of that which it presents;
Their form confounded makes most form in mirth,
When great things labouring perish in their birth.
BEROWNE A right description of our sport, my lord.
Enter ARMADO, the Braggart.
ARMADO Anointed, I implore so much expense of thy
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royal sweet breath as will utter a brace of words.
[Armado and the King talk apart.]
PRINCESS Doth this man serve God?
BEROWNE Why ask you?
PRINCESS ‘A speaks not like a man of God his making.
ARMADO That is all one, my fair, sweet, honey monarch;
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for, I protest, the schoolmaster is exceed
ing fantastical;
too, too vain; too, too vain; but we will put it, as they say,
to fortuna de la guerra. [Gives the King a paper.] I wish
you the peace of mind, most royal couplement. Exit.
KING Here is like to be a good presence of Worthies. He
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presents Hector of Troy; the swain, Pompey the
Great; the parish curate, Alexander; Armado’s page,
Hercules; the pedant, Judas Maccabaeus.
And if these four Worthies in their first show thrive,
These four will change habits and present the other five.
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BEROWNE There is five in the first show.
KING You are deceived: ’tis not so.
BEROWNE The pedant, the braggart, the hedge-priest,
the fool and the boy.
Abate throw at novum, and the whole world again
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Cannot pick out five such, take each one in his vein.
KING
The ship is under sail and here she comes amain.
Enter COSTARD as Pompey.
COSTARD I Pompey am –
BEROWNE You lie, you are not he.
COSTARD I Pompey am –
BOYET With leopard’s head on knee.
BEROWNE
Well said, old mocker. I must needs be friends with thee.
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COSTARD I Pompey am, Pompey surnamed the Big.
DUMAINE The ‘Great’.
COSTARD It is ‘Great’, sir: Pompey surnamed the Great,
That oft in field, with targe and shield, did make my foe to sweat;
And travelling along this coast, I here am come by chance,
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And lay my arms before the legs of this sweet lass of France.
If your ladyship would say, ‘Thanks, Pompey’, I had done.
PRINCESS Great thanks, great Pompey.
COSTARD ’Tis not so much worth, but I hope I was perfect. I made a little fault in ‘Great’.
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BEROWNE My hat to a halfpenny, Pompey proves the best Worthy.
Enter NATHANIEL, the Curate, for Alexander.
NATHANIEL
When in the world I lived, I was the world’s commander;
By east, west, north and south, I spread my conquering might;
My scutcheon plain declares that I am Alisander.
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BOYET
Your nose says no, you are not; for it stands too right.
BEROWNE
Your nose smells ‘no’ in this, most tender-smelling knight.
PRINCESS
The conqueror is dismayed. Proceed, good Alexander.
NATHANIEL
When in the world I lived, I was the world’s commander –
BOYET Most true, ’tis right: you were so, Alisander.
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BEROWNE Pompey the Great –
COSTARD Your servant, and Costard.
BEROWNE Take away the conqueror; take away Alisander.
COSTARD [to Nathaniel] O sir, you have overthrown
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Alisander the conqueror. You will be scraped out of the
painted cloth for this. Your lion, that holds his pole-axe
sitting on a close-stool, will be given to Ajax. He will be
the ninth Worthy. A conqueror, and afeard to speak?
Run away for shame, Alisander. [Nathaniel retires.]
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There, an’t shall please you, a foolish mild man; an
honest man, look you, and soon dashed. He is a
marvellous good neighbour, faith, and a very good
bowler; but for Alisander, alas you see how ’tis – a little
o’erparted. But there are Worthies a-coming will speak
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their mind in some other sort.
PRINCESS Stand aside, good Pompey.
Enter HOLOFERNES, the Pedant, as Judas, and MOTH, the Boy, as Hercules.
HOLOFERNES Great Hercules is presented by this imp,
Whose club killed Cerberus, that three-headed canus,
And when he was a babe, a child, a shrimp,
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Thus did he strangle serpents in his manus.
Quoniam he seemeth in minority,
Ergo I come with this apology.
Keep some state in thy exit, and vanish.
[Moth retires.]
Judas I am –
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DUMAINE A Judas!
HOLOFERNES Not Iscariot, sir.
Judas I am, ycleped Maccabaeus.
DUMAINE Judas Maccabaeus clipped is plain Judas.
BEROWNE A kissing traitor. How, art thou proved
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Judas?
HOLOFERNES Judas I am –
DUMAINE The more shame for you, Judas.
HOLOFERNES What mean you, sir?
The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works Page 335