The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works
Page 380
me?
QUICKLY O God, no, sir: that were a jest indeed! They
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have not so little grace, I hope; that were a trick indeed!
But Mistress Page would desire you to send her your
little page, of all loves: her husband has a marvellous
infection to the little page; and truly Master Page is an
honest man – never a wife in Windsor leads a better life
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than she does: do what she will, say what she will, take
all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise when she list,
all is as she will, and truly she deserves it, for if there
be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send
her your page, no remedy.
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FALSTAFF Why, I will.
QUICKLY Nay, but do so then, and, look you, he may
come and go between you both; and in any case have a
nay-word, that you may know one another’s mind, and
the boy never need to understand anything; for ’tis not
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good that children should know any wickedness. Old
folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know
the world.
FALSTAFF Fare thee well, commend me to them both.
There’s my purse; I am yet thy debtor. – Boy, go along
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with this woman. – This news distracts me.
Exeunt Mistress Quickly and Robin.
PISTOL This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers.
Clap on more sails, pursue, up with your fights,
Give fire! She is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
Exit.
FALSTAFF Sayst thou so, old Jack? Go thy ways, I’ll
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make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they
yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so
much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank
thee. Let them say ’tis grossly done – so it be fairly
done, no matter.
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Enter BARDOLPH.
BARDOLPH Sir John, there’s one Master Brook below
would fain speak with you and be acquainted with you
– and hath sent your worship a morning’s draught of
sack.
FALSTAFF Brook is his name?
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BARDOLPH Ay, sir.
FALSTAFF Call him in. Exit Bardolph.
Such brooks are welcome to me, that o’erflows such
liquor. Ah ha, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have
I encompassed you? Go to, via!
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Enter FORD as BROOK, introduced by BARDOLPH.
FORD God bless you, sir.
FALSTAFF And you, sir. Would you speak with me?
FORD I make bold, to press with so little preparation
upon you.
FALSTAFF You’re welcome. What’s your will? – Give us
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leave, drawer. Exit Bardolph.
FORD Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my
name is Brook.
FALSTAFF Good Master Brook, I desire more
acquaintance of you.
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FORD Good Sir John, I sue for yours; not to charge you,
for I must let you understand I think myself in better
plight for a lender than you are, the which hath some-
thing emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion; for
they say if money go before, all ways do lie open.
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FALSTAFF Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
FORD Truth, and I have a bag of money here troubles
me. If you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or
half, for easing me of the carriage.
FALSTAFF Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your
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porter.
FORD I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
FALSTAFF Speak, good Master Brook; I shall be glad to
be your servant.
FORD Sir, I hear you are a scholar – I will be brief with
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you – and you have been a man long known to me,
though I had never so good means as desire to make
myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to
you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own
imperfection. But, good Sir John, as you have one eye
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upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn
another into the register of your own, that I may pass
with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how
easy it is to be such an offender.
FALSTAFF Very well, sir, proceed.
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FORD There is a gentlewoman in this town, her
husband’s name is Ford.
FALSTAFF Well, sir.
FORD I have long loved her, and, I protest to you,
bestowed much on her, followed her with a doting
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observance, engrossed opportunities to meet her, fee’d
every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me
sight of her: not only bought many presents to give
her, but have given largely to many, to know what she
would have given. Briefly, I have pursued her as love
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hath pursued me, which hath been on the wing of all
occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my
mind or in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received
none – unless experience be a jewel, that I have
purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me
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to say this:
Love like a shadow flies, when substance love pursues,
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.
FALSTAFF Have you received no promise of satisfaction
at her hands?
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FORD Never.
FALSTAFF Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
FORD Never.
FALSTAFF Of what quality was your love, then?
FORD Like a fair house built on another man’s ground,
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so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place
where I erected it.
FALSTAFF To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
FORD When I have told you that I have told you all.
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Some say that, though she appear honest to me, yet in
other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there
is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John,
here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman
of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great
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admittance, authentic in your place and person,
generally allowed for your many warlike, courtlike and
learned preparations –
FALSTAFF O, sir!
FORD Believe it, for you know it. [Points to the
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bag.] There is money: spend it, spend it, spend more,
spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in
exchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty
of this Ford’s wife. Use your art of wooing, win her to
consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as
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any.
FALSTAFF Would it apply well to the vehemency of
your affection that I should win what you would
enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very
preposterously.
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FORD O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on
the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my soul
<
br /> dares not present itself; she is too bright to be looked
against. Now, could I come to her with any detection
in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to
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commend themselves. I could drive her then from the
ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage vow
and a thousand other her defences, which now are too
too strongly embattled against me. What say you to’t,
Sir John?
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FALSTAFF Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
money. Next, give me your hand. And last, as I am a
gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.
FORD O good sir!
FALSTAFF I say you shall.
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FORD Want no money, Sir John, you shall want none.
FALSTAFF Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook, you
shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by
her own appointment; even as you came in to me, her
assistant, or go-between, parted from me. I say I shall
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be with her between ten and eleven, for at that time
the jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth.
Come you to me at night: you shall know how I speed.
FORD I am blessed in your acquaintance. Do you know
Ford, sir?
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FALSTAFF Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave, I know him
not. Yet I wrong him to call him poor: they say the
jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money, for the
which his wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use
her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue’s coffer, and
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there’s my harvest-home.
FORD I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid
him if you saw him.
FALSTAFF Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will
stare him out of his wits, I will awe him with my cudgel:
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it shall hang like a meteor o’er the cuckold’s horns.
Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over
the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to
me soon at night: Ford’s a knave, and I will aggravate
his style. Thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for
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knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
Exit.
FORD What a damned epicurean rascal is this? My heart
is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is
improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him, the
hour is fixed, the match is made: would any man have
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thought this? See the hell of having a false woman: my
bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my
reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this
villainous wrong, but stand under the adoption of
abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong.
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Terms, names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well;
Barbason, well; yet they are devils’ additions, the names
of fiends. But cuckold? Wittol? Cuckold! The devil
himself hath not such a name! Page is an ass, a secure
ass; he will trust his wife, he will not be jealous. I will
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rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the
Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-
vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than
my wife with herself. Then she plots, then she
ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in
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their hearts they may effect – they will break their
hearts but they will effect. God be praised for _my
jealousy! Eleven o’clock the hour – I will prevent this,
detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff and laugh at
Page. I will about it: better three hours too soon than a
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minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! Cuckold, cuckold, cuckold!
Exit.
2.3 Enter Doctor CAIUS and RUGBY.
CAIUS Jack Rugby!
RUGBY Sir?
CAIUS Vat is the clock, Jack?
RUGBY ’Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised
to meet.
5
CAIUS By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no-come.
He has pray his Pible well, dat he is no-come. By gar,
Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
RUGBY He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill
him if he came.
10
CAIUS By gar, de herring is no dead, so as I vill kill him.
Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.
RUGBY Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
CAIUS Villainy, take your rapier.
RUGBY Forbear; here’s company.
15
Enter SHALLOW, PAGE, HOST and SLENDER.
HOST God bless thee, bully Doctor.