The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works

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The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works Page 381

by William Shakespeare


  SHALLOW God save you, Master Doctor Caius.

  PAGE Now, good Master Doctor.

  SLENDER ‘Give you good morrow, sir.

  CAIUS Vat be all you one, two, tree, four, come for?

  20

  HOST To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee

  traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee

  pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy

  montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my

  François? Ha, bully? What says my Aesculapius, my

  25

  Galen, my heart of elder, ha? Is he dead, bully stale, is

  he dead?

  CAIUS By gar, he is de coward Jack-priest of de vorld: he

  is not show his face.

  HOST Thou art a castalian king urinal – Hector of

  30

  Greece, my boy!

  CAIUS I pray you bear witness that me have stay – six or

  seven – two, tree hours for him, and he is no-come.

  SHALLOW He is the wiser man, Master Doctor: he is a

  curer of souls and you a curer of bodies. If you should

  35

  fight, you go against the hair of your professions. Is it

  not true, Master Page?

  PAGE Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great

  fighter, though now a man of peace.

  SHALLOW Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old,

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  and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches

  to make one. Though we are justices and doctors and

  churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our

  youth in us – we are the sons of women, Master Page.

  PAGE ’Tis true, Master Shallow.

  45

  SHALLOW It will be found so, Master Page. – Master

  Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am

  sworn of the peace: you have showed yourself a wise

  physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise

  and patient churchman. You must go with me, Master

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  Doctor.

  HOST Pardon, guest justice. – A word, Monsieur

  Mockwater.

  CAIUS Mockvater? Vat is dat?

  HOST Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.

  55

  CAIUS By gar, then I have as much mockvater as de

  Englishman. Scurvy Jack-dog priest! By gar, me vill

  cut his ears.

  HOST He will clapper-claw thee titely, bully.

  CAIUS Clapper-de-claw? Vat is dat?

  60

  HOST That is, he will make thee amends.

  CAIUS By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me,

  for, by gar, me vill have it.

  HOST And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag.

  CAIUS Me tank you for dat.

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  HOST And moreover, bully – but first, Master guest and

  Master Page, and eke Cavaliero Slender, go you

  through the town to Frogmore.

  PAGE [aside to Host] Sir Hugh is there, is he?

  HOST [aside to Page] He is there. See what humour he

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  is in; and I will bring the Doctor about by the fields.

  Will it do well?

  SHALLOW [aside to Host] We will do it.

  PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER Adieu, good Master Doctor.

  Exeunt all but Host, Caius and Rugby.

  CAIUS By gar, me vill kill de priest, for he speak for a

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  jackanape to Anne Page.

  HOST Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience. Throw cold

  water on thy choler. Go about the fields with me

  through Frogmore. I will bring thee where Mistress

  Anne Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting, and thou shalt

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  woo her. Cried game; said I well?

  CAIUS By gar, me dank you vor dat; by gar, I love you;

  and I shall procure-a you de good guest: de earl, de

  knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.

  HOST For the which I will be thy adversary toward

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  Anne Page. Said I well?

  CAIUS By gar, ’tis good; vell said.

  HOST Let us wag then.

  CAIUS Come at my heels, Jack Rugby. Exeunt.

  3.1 Enter EVANS and SIMPLE.

  EVANS I pray you now, good Master Slender’s

  servingman, and friend Simple by your name, which

  way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls

  himself Doctor of Physic?

  SIMPLE Marry, sir, the Petty-ward, the Park-ward,

  5

  every way: Old Windsor way, and every way but the

  town way.

  EVANS I most fehemently desire you, you will also look

  that way.

  SIMPLE I will, sir. [Stands aside on the lookout.]

  10

  EVANS Jeshu pless my soul, how full of cholers I am,

  and trempling of mind. I shall be glad if he have

  deceived me. How melancholies I am. I will knog his

  urinals about his knave’s costard when I have good

  opportunities for the ‘ork. Pless my soul!

  15

  [Sings.] To shallow rivers, to whose falls

  Melodious birds sings madrigals –

  There will we make our peds of roses

  And a thousand fragrant posies.

  To shallow –

  20

  Mercy on me, I have a great dispositions to cry.

  [Sings.] Melodious birds sing madrigals –

  Whenas I sat in Pabylon –

  And a thousand vagram posies.

  To shallow, etc.

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  SIMPLE Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.

  EVANS He’s welcome.

  [Sings.] To shallow rivers, to whose falls –

  God prosper the right. What weapons is he?

  SIMPLE No weapons, sir. There comes my master,

  30

  Master Shallow, and another gentleman; from

  Frogmore, over the stile, this way.

  EVANS Pray you, give me my gown – or else keep it in

  your arms.

  Enter PAGE, SHALLOW and SLENDER.

  SHALLOW How now, Master Parson? Good morrow,

  35

  good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice and a

  good student from his book, and it is wonderful.

  SLENDER Ah, sweet Anne Page!

  PAGE God save you, good Sir Hugh.

  EVANS God pless you from his mercy’s sake, all of you.

  40

  SHALLOW What, the sword and the word? Do you study

  them both, Master Parson?

  PAGE And youthful still – in your doublet and hose, this

  raw-rheumatic day?

  EVANS There is reasons and causes for it.

  45

  PAGE We are come to you to do a good office, Master

  Parson.

  EVANS Fery well; what is it?

  PAGE Yonder is a most reverend gentleman who, belike,

  having received wrong by some person, is at most odds

  50

  with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.

  SHALLOW I have lived fourscore years and upward; I

  never heard a man of his place, gravity and learning so

  wide of his own respect.

  EVANS What is he?

  55

  PAGE I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the

  renowned French physician.

  EVANS Got’s will and his passion of my heart, I had as

  lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.

  PAGE Why?

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  EVANS He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and

  Galen, and he is a knave besides – a cowardly knave as

&n
bsp; you would desires to be acquainted withal.

  PAGE I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.

  SLENDER O sweet Anne Page!

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  SHALLOW It appears so by his weapons.

  Enter CAIUS and HOST followed by RUGBY.

  Keep them asunder: here comes Doctor Caius. [They

  offer to fight.]

  PAGE Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.

  SHALLOW So do you, good Master Doctor.

  HOST Disarm them, and let them question. Let them

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  keep their limbs whole and hack our English.

  CAIUS I pray you let-a me speak a word with your ear.

  Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?

  EVANS Pray you, use your patience. In good time!

  CAIUS By gar, you are de coward, de Jack-dog, John ape.

  75

  EVANS [aside to Caius] Pray you, let us not be laughing

  stocks to other men’s humours. I desire you in

  friendship, and I will one way or other make you

  amends. [aloud] By Jeshu, I will knog your urinal

  about your knave’s cogscomb.

  80

  CAIUS Diable! Jack Rugby, mine host de Jarteer, have I

  not stay for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I

  did appoint.

  EVANS As I am a Christians soul, now look you: this is

  the place appointed, I’ll be judgement by mine host of

  85

  the Garter.

  HOST Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,

  soul-curer and body-curer.

  CAIUS Ay, dat is very good, excellent.

  HOST Peace, I say, hear mine host of the Garter. Am I

  90

  politic? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my

  doctor? No, he gives me the potions and the motions.

  Shall I lose my parson? My priest? My Sir Hugh? No,

  he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. [to Caius]

  Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. [to Evans] Give me

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  thy hand, celestial; so. – Boys of art, I have deceived you

  both: I have directed you to wrong places. Your hearts

  are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be

  the issue. – Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me,

  lads of peace, follow, follow, follow. Exit.

  100

  SHALLOW Afore God, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen,

  follow.

  SLENDER O sweet Anne Page!

  Exeunt Shallow, Slender and Page.

  CAIUS Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of

  us, ha, ha?

  105

  EVANS This is well, he has made us his vlouting-stog. I

  desire you that we may be friends, and let us knog our

  prains together to be revenge on this same scall,

  scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter.

  CAIUS By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring

  110

  me where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.

  evans Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow.

  Exeunt.

  3.2 Enter MISTRESS PAGE, following ROBIN.

  MISTRESS PAGE Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you

  were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader.

  Whether had you rather, lead mine eyes or eye your

  master’s heels?

  ROBIN I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man

  5

  than follow him like a dwarf.

  MISTRESS PAGE O, you are a flattering boy: now I see

  you’ll be a courtier.

  Enter FORD.

  FORD Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

  MISTRESS PAGE Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at

  10

  home?

  FORD Ay, and as idle as she may hang together, for want

  of company. I think if your husbands were dead you

  two would marry.

  MISTRESS PAGE Be sure of that – two other husbands.

  15

  FORD Where had you this pretty weathercock?

  MISTRESS PAGE I cannot tell what the dickens his name

  is my husband had him of. – What do you call your

  knight’s name, sirrah?

  ROBIN Sir John Falstaff.

  20

  FORD Sir John Falstaff?

  MISTRESS PAGE He, he; I can never hit on’s name. There

  is such a league between my goodman and he! Is your

  wife at home indeed?

  FORD Indeed she is.

  25

  MISTRESS PAGE By your leave, sir, I am sick till I see her.

  Exit with Robin.

  FORD Hath Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he

  any thinking? Sure they sleep, he hath no use of them.

 

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