I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow,
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit, my
110
counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered
me, the knave constable had set me i’the stocks, i’the
common stocks, for a witch.
QUICKLY Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber,
you shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your
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content. Here is a letter will say somewhat – good
hearts, what ado is here to bring you together! Sure,
one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so
crossed.
FALSTAFF Come up into my chamber. Exeunt.
120
4.6 Enter HOST and FENTON.
HOST Master Fenton, talk not to me: my mind is heavy
– I will give over all.
FENTON Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I’ll give thee
A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.
5
HOST I will hear you, Master Fenton, and I will, at the
least, keep your counsel.
FENTON From time to time I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page,
Who mutually hath answered my affection –
10
So far forth as herself might be her chooser –
Even to my wish. I have a letter from her
Of such contents as you will wonder at,
The mirth whereof so larded with my matter
That neither singly can be manifested
15
Without the show of both, wherein fat Falstaff
Hath a great scene; the image of the jest
I’ll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host:
Tonight at Herne’s oak, just ’twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen –
20
The purpose why is here – in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender, and with him at Eton
Immediately to marry – she hath consented. Now, sir,
25
Her mother – ever strong against that match
And firm for Doctor Caius – hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away
While other sports are tasking of their minds,
And at the dean’ry, where a priest attends,
30
Straight marry her: to this her mother’s plot
She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath
Made promise to the Doctor. Now thus it rests:
Her father means she shall be all in white
And, in that habit, when Slender sees his time
35
To take her by the hand and bid her go,
She shall go with him. Her mother hath intended –
The better to denote her to the Doctor,
For they must all be masked and vizarded –
That quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed,
40
With ribbons pendant flaring ‘bout her head;
And when the Doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and on that token
The maid hath given consent to go with him.
HOST Which means she to deceive, father or mother?
45
FENTON Both, my good host, to go along with me.
And here it rests: that you’ll procure the vicar
To stay for me at church, ’twixt twelve and one,
And, in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.
50
HOST Well, husband your device; I’ll to the vicar.
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
FENTON So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
Besides, I’ll make a present recompense. Exeunt.
5.1 Enter FALSTAFF and Mistress QUICKLY.
FALSTAFF Prithee, no more prattling. Go, I’ll hold: this
is the third time – I hope good luck lies in odd
numbers. Away, go! They say there is divinity in odd
numbers, either in nativity, chance or death. Away!
QUICKLY I’ll provide you a chain, and I’ll do what I can
5
to get you a pair of horns.
FALSTAFF Away, I say; time wears. Hold up your head,
and mince. Exit Mistress Quickly.
Enter FORD as BROOK.
How now, Master Brook? Master Brook, the matter
will be known tonight or never. Be you in the park
10
about midnight, at Herne’s oak, and you shall see
wonders.
FORD Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me
you had appointed?
FALSTAFF I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a
15
poor old man, but I came from her, Master Brook, like
a poor old woman. That same knave, Ford her husband,
hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master
Brook, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell you he beat
me grievously, in the shape of a woman; for in the shape
20
of man, Master Brook, I fear not Goliath with a
weaver’s beam, because I know also life is a shuttle. I am
in haste: go along with me, I’ll tell you all, Master
Brook. Since I plucked geese, played truant and
whipped top, I knew not what ’twas to be beaten till
25
lately. Follow me, I’ll tell you strange things of this
knave Ford, on whom tonight I will be revenged, and I
will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow – strange
things in hand, Master Brook! – Follow. Exeunt.
5.2 Enter PAGE, SHALLOW and SLENDER.
PAGE Come, come: we’ll couch i’the castle ditch till we
see the lights of our fairies. Remember, son Slender,
my daughter –
SLENDER Ay, forsooth. I have spoke with her and we
have a nay-word how to know one another. I come to
5
her in white, and cry ‘mum’; she cries ‘budget’; and by
that we know one another.
SHALLOW That’s good too. But what needs either your
‘mum’ or her ‘budget’? The white will decipher her
well enough. – It hath struck ten o’clock.
10
PAGE The night is dark: lights and spirits will become it
well. God prosper our sport. No man means evil but
the devil, and we shall know him by his horns. Let’s
away; follow me. Exeunt.
5.3 Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD and CAIUS.
MISTRESS PAGE Master Doctor, my daughter is in
green: when you see your time, take her by the hand,
away with her to the deanery and dispatch it quickly.
Go before into the park. – We two must go together.
CAIUS I know vat I have to do. Adieu.
5
MISTRESS PAGE Fare you well, sir. Exit Caius.
My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of
Falstaff as he will chafe at the Doctor’s marrying my
daughter. But ’tis no matter: better a little chiding
than a great deal of heartbreak.
10
MISTRESS FORD Where is Nan now, and her troop of
fairies? And the Welsh devil Hugh?
MISTRESS PAGE They are all couched in a pit hard by
Herne’s oak, with obscured lights, which, at the very
instant of
Falstaff ‘s and our meeting, they will at once
15
display to the night.
MISTRESS FORD That cannot choose but amaze him.
MISTRESS PAGE If he be not amazed, he will be mocked;
if he be amazed, he will every way be mocked.
MISTRESS FORD We’ll betray him finely.
20
MISTRESS PAGE
Against such lewdsters and their lechery
Those that betray them do no treachery.
MISTRESS FORD The hour draws on. To the oak, to the
oak! Exeunt.
5.4 Enter EVANS, disguised, and children as fairies.
EVANS Trib, trib, fairies. Come, and remember your
parts: be pold, I pray you, follow me into the pit, and
when I give the watch-’ords do as I pid you. Come,
come, trib, trib. Exeunt.
5.5 Enter FALSTAFF with buck’s horns on his head.
FALSTAFF The Windsor bell hath struck twelve, the
minute draws on. Now the hot-blooded gods assist me!
Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa: love
set on thy horns. O powerful love, that in some respects
makes a beast a man, in some other a man a beast! You
5
were also, Jupiter, a swan for the love of Leda: O
omnipotent love, how near the god drew to the
complexion of a goose! A fault done first in the form of
a beast – O Jove, a beastly fault! – and then another fault
in the semblance of a fowl: think on’t, Jove, a foul fault!
10
When gods have hot backs, what shall poor men do? For
me, I am here a Windsor stag, and the fattest, I think,
i’the forest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can
blame me to piss my tallow? – Who comes here? My
doe?
15
Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE.
MISTRESS FORD Sir John, art thou there, my deer, my
male deer?
FALSTAFF My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain
potatoes, let it thunder to the tune of ‘Greensleeves’,
hail kissing-comfits and snow eringoes. Let there
20
come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here.
MISTRESS FORD Mistress Page is come with me,
sweetheart.
FALSTAFF Divide me like a bribed buck, each a haunch.
I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the
25
fellow of this walk, – and my horns I bequeath your
husbands. Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne
the hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience:
he makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome!
[A noise of horns within.]
MISTRESS PAGE Alas, what noise?
30
MISTRESS FORD Heaven forgive our sins!
FALSTAFF What should this be?
MISTRESS FORD, MISTRESS PAGE Away, away!
They run away.
FALSTAFF I think the devil will not have me damned,
lest the oil that’s in me should set hell on fire; he
35
would never else cross me thus.
Enter EVANS as a Satyr, ANNE and children as
fairies, Mistress QUICKLY as the Queen of Fairies,
PISTOL as Hobgoblin.
QUICKLY Fairies black, grey, green and white,
You moonshine revellers and shades of night,
You orphan heirs of fixed destiny,
Attend your office and your quality.
40
Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyez.
PISTOL Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys.
Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap:
Where fires thou find’st unraked and hearths unswept,
There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry –
45
Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery.
FALSTAFF
They are fairies, he that speaks to them shall die.
I’ll wink and couch: no man their works must eye.
EVANS
Where’s Pead? Go you, and where you find a maid
That ere she sleep has thrice her prayers said,
50
Raise up the organs of her fantasy:
Sleep she as sound as careless infancy.
But those as sleep and think not on their sins,
Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides and
shins.
QUICKLY About, about!
55
Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out.
Strew good luck, oafs, on every sacred room,
That it may stand till the perpetual doom
In state as wholesome as in state ’tis fit,
Worthy the owner and the owner it.
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The several chairs of Order look you scour
With juice of balm and every precious flower;
Each fair instalment, coat and several crest,
The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works Page 387