Well, for your favour, sir, why, give God thanks, and
make no boast of it; and for your writing and reading,
20
let that appear when there is no need of such vanity.
You are thought here to be the most senseless and fit
man for the constable of the watch; therefore bear you
the lantern. This is your charge: you shall
comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man
25
stand, in the Prince’s name.
2 WATCHMAN How if a will not stand?
DOGBERRY Why then, take no note of him, but let him
go, and presently call the rest of the watch together,
and thank God you are rid of a knave.
30
VERGES If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is
none of the Prince’s subjects.
DOGBERRY True, and they are to meddle with none but
the Prince’s subjects. You shall also make no noise in
the streets: for, for the watch to babble and to talk is
35
most tolerable, and not to be endured.
A WATCHMAN We will rather sleep than talk; we know
what belongs to a watch.
DOGBERRY Why, you speak like an ancient and most
quiet watchman, for I cannot see how sleeping should
40
offend: only have a care that your bills be not stolen.
Well, you are to call at all the ale-houses, and bid those
that are drunk get them to bed.
A WATCHMAN How if they will not?
DOGBERRY Why then, let them alone till they are sober:
45
if they make you not then the better answer, you may
say they are not the men you took them for.
A WATCHMAN Well, sir.
DOGBERRY If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by
virtue of your office, to be no true man; and for such
50
kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them,
why, the more is for your honesty.
A WATCHMAN If we know him to be a thief, shall we not
lay hands on him?
DOGBERRY Truly, by your office you may, but I think they
55
that touch pitch will be defiled. The most peaceable
way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him show
himself what he is, and steal out of your company.
VERGES You have been always called a merciful man,
partner.
60
DOGBERRY Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will,
much more a man who hath any honesty in him.
VERGES If you hear a child cry in the night, you must
call to the nurse and bid her still it.
A WATCHMAN How if the nurse be asleep and will not
65
hear us?
DOGBERRY Why then, depart in peace, and let the child
wake her with crying, for the ewe that will not hear her
lamb when it baas will never answer a calf when he bleats.
VERGES ’Tis very true.
70
DOGBERRY This is the end of the charge: you, constable,
are to present the Prince’s own person; if you meet the
Prince in the night, you may stay him.
VERGES Nay, by’r lady, that I think a cannot.
DOGBERRY Five shillings to one on’t, with any man that
75
knows the statutes, he may stay him: marry, not
without the Prince be willing, for indeed the watch
ought to offend no man, and it is an offence to stay a
man against his will.
VERGES By’r lady, I think it be so.
80
DOGBERRY Ha, ah ha! Well, masters, good night: and
there be any matter of weight chances, call up me:
keep your fellows’ counsels and your own, and good
night. Come, neighbour.
2 WATCHMAN Well, masters, we hear our charge: let us
85
go sit here upon the church-bench till two, and then
all to bed.
DOGBERRY One word more, honest neighbours. I pray
you watch about Signior Leonato’s door, for the
wedding being there tomorrow, there is a great coil
90
tonight. Adieu! Be vigitant, I beseech you.
Exeunt Dogberry and Verges.
Enter BORACHIO and CONRADE.
BORACHIO What, Conrade!
2 WATCHMAN [aside] Peace! Stir not.
BORACHIO Conrade, I say!
CONRADE Here, man, I am at thy elbow.
95
BORACHIO Mass, and my elbow itched; I thought there
would a scab follow.
CONRADE I will owe thee an answer for that: and now
forward with thy tale.
BORACHIO Stand thee close then under this penthouse,
100
for it drizzles rain, and I will, like a true drunkard,
utter all to thee.
2 WATCHMAN [aside] Some treason, masters; yet stand
close.
BORACHIO Therefore know, I have earned of Don John
105
a thousand ducats.
CONRADE Is it possible that any villainy should be so
dear?
BORACHIO Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible
any villainy should be so rich; for when rich villains
110
have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what
price they will.
CONRADE I wonder at it.
BORACHIO That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou
knowest that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a
115
cloak, is nothing to a man.
CONRADE Yes, it is apparel.
BORACHIO I mean, the fashion.
CONRADE Yes, the fashion is the fashion.
BORACHIO Tush! I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But
120
seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?
2 WATCHMAN [aside] I know that Deformed; a has been
a vile thief this seven year; a goes up and down like a
gentleman: I remember his name.
BORACHIO Didst thou not hear somebody?
125
CONRADE No, ’twas the vane on the house.
BORACHIO Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief
this fashion is, how giddily a turns about all the hot
bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty,
sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in
130
the reechy painting, sometime like god Bel’s priests in
the old church-window, sometime like the shaven
Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry, where
his codpiece seems as massy as his club?
CONRADE All this I see, and I see that the fashion wears
135
out more apparel than the man. But art not thou
thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast
shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?
BORACHIO Not so, neither; but know that I have tonight
wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by
140
the name of Hero; she leans me out at her mistress’
chamber-window, bids me a thousand times good
night – I tell this tale vilely – I should first tell thee
how the Prince, Claudio, and my master, planted and
placed and possessed by my master Don John, saw afar
145
off in the orchard this amiable encounter.
CONRADE And thought they Margaret was Hero?
BORACHIO Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio,
&nbs
p; but the devil my master knew she was Margaret; and
partly by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly
150
by the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly
by my villainy, which did confirm any slander that
Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged;
swore he would meet her as he was appointed next
morning at the temple, and there, before the whole
155
congregation, shame her with what he saw o’ernight,
and send her home again without a husband.
2 WATCHMAN We charge you in the Prince’s name,
stand!
1WATCHMAN Call up the right Master Constable; we
160
have here recovered the most dangerous piece of
lechery that ever was known in the commonwealth.
2 WATCHMAN And one Deformed is one of them; I
know him, a wears a lock.
CONRADE Masters, masters –
165
1WATCHMAN You’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I
warrant you.
CONRADE Masters –
2 WATCHMAN Never speak, we charge you, let us obey
you to go with us.
170
BORACHIO We are like to prove a goodly commodity,
being taken up of these men’s bills.
CONRADE A commodity in question, I warrant you.
Come, we’ll obey you. Exeunt.
3.4 Enter HERO, MARGARET and URSULA.
HERO Good Ursula, wake my cousin Beatrice, and
desire her to rise.
URSULA I will, lady.
HERO And bid her come hither.
URSULA Well. Exit.
5
MARGARET Troth, I think your other rebato were better.
HERO No, pray thee good Meg, I’ll wear this.
MARGARET By my troth’s not so good, and I warrant
your cousin will say so.
HERO My cousin’s a fool, and thou art another; I’ll wear
10
none but this.
MARGARET I like the new tire within excellently, if the
hair were a thought browner; and your gown’s a most
rare fashion, i’faith. I saw the Duchess of Milan’s
gown that they praise so.
15
HERO O, that exceeds, they say.
MARGARET By my troth’s but a night-gown in respect
of yours – cloth o’ gold, and cuts, and laced with
silver, set with pearls, down sleeves, side sleeves,
and skirts, round underborne with a bluish tinsel: but
20
for a fine, quaint, graceful, and excellent fashion,
yours is worth ten on’t.
HERO God give me joy to wear it, for my heart is
exceeding heavy.
MARGARET ’Twill be heavier soon by the weight of a
25
man.
HERO Fie upon thee, art not ashamed?
MARGARET Of what, lady? Of speaking honourably? Is
not marriage honourable in a beggar? Is not your lord
honourable without marriage? I think you would
30
have me say, saving your reverence, ‘a husband’. And
bad thinking do not wrest true speaking, I’ll offend
nobody. Is there any harm in ‘the heavier for a
husband’? None, I think, and it be the right
husband, and the right wife; otherwise ’tis light, and
35
not heavy. Ask my Lady Beatrice else; here she comes.
Enter BEATRICE.
HERO Good morrow, coz.
BEATRICE Good morrow, sweet Hero.
HERO Why, how now? Do you speak in the sick tune?
BEATRICE I am out of all other tune, methinks.
40
MARGARET Clap’s into ‘Light o’ Love’; that goes
without a burden. Do you sing it, and I’ll dance it.
BEATRICE Ye light o’ love with your heels! Then, if your
husband have stables enough, you’ll see he shall lack
no barns.
45
MARGARET O illegitimate construction! I scorn that
with my heels.
BEATRICE ’Tis almost five o’clock, cousin, ’tis time you
were ready. By my troth, I am exceeding ill – heigh-ho!
MARGARET For a hawk, a horse, or a husband?
50
BEATRICE For the letter that begins them all, H.
MARGARET Well, and you be not turned Turk, there’s
no more sailing by the star.
BEATRICE What means the fool, trow?
MARGARET Nothing I, but God send everyone their
55
heart’s desire!
HERO These gloves the Count sent me, they are an
excellent perfume.
BEATRICE I am stuffed, cousin, I cannot smell.
MARGARET A maid, and stuffed! There’s goodly
The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works Page 406