daws!
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MARIA Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness
before my lady?
MALVOLIO ‘Be not afraid of greatness’: ’twas well writ.
OLIVIA What mean’st thou by that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO ‘Some are born great’ –
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OLIVIA Ha?
MALVOLIO ‘Some achieve greatness’ –
OLIVIA What say’st thou?
MALVOLIO ‘And some have greatness thrust upon
them.’
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OLIVIA Heaven restore thee!
MALVOLIO ‘Remember who commended thy yellow
stockings’ –
OLIVIA Thy yellow stockings?
MALVOLIO ‘And wished to see thee cross-gartered.’
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OLIVIA Cross-gartered?
MALVOLIO ‘Go to, thou art made, if thou desir’st to be
so:’ –
OLIVIA Am I made?
MALVOLIO ‘If not, let me see thee a servant still.’
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OLIVIA Why, this is very midsummer madness.
Enter Servant.
SERVANT Madam, the young gentleman of the Count
ORSINO’s is returned; I could hardly entreat him back.
He attends your ladyship’s pleasure.
OLIVIA I’ll come to him. Exit Servant.
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Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where’s my
cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special
care of him; I would not have him miscarry for the half
of my dowry.
Exeunt Olivia and Maria different ways.
MALVOLIO O ho, do you come near me now? No worse
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man than Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs
directly with the letter: she sends him on purpose, that
I may appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to
that in the letter. ‘Cast thy humble slough,’ says she;
‘be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants, let
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thy tongue tang arguments of state, put thyself into
the trick of singularity’: and consequently sets down
the manner how: as, a sad face, a reverend carriage, a
slow tongue, in the habit of some sir of note, and so
forth. I have limed her, but it is Jove’s doing, and Jove
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make me thankful! And when she went away now, ‘Let
this fellow be looked to’ – ‘fellow’! – not Malvolio, nor
after my degree, but ‘fellow’. Why, everything adheres
together, that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a
scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe
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circumstance – what can be said? – nothing that can
be can come between me and the full prospect of my
hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is
to be thanked.
Enter SIR TOBY, FABIAN and MARIA.
SIR TOBY Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all
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the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself
possessed him, yet I’ll speak to him.
FABIAN Here he is, here he is. How is’t with you, sir?
How is’t with you, man?
MALVOLIO Go off, I discard you. Let me enjoy my
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private. Go off.
MARIA Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him!
Did not I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have
a care of him.
MALVOLIO [aside] Ah ha! does she so?
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SIR TOBY Go to, go to: peace, peace, we must deal gently
with him. Let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? How
is’t with you? What, man, defy the devil! Consider,
he’s an enemy to mankind.
MALVOLIO Do you know what you say?
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MARIA La you, and you speak ill of the devil, how he
takes it at heart! Pray God he be not betwitched!
FABIAN Carry his water to th’ wise woman.
MARIA Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning,
if I live. My lady would not lose him for more than I’ll
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say.
MALVOLIO How now, mistress?
MARIA O Lord!
SIR TOBY Prithee hold thy peace, this is not the way. Do
you not see you move him? Let me alone with him.
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FABIAN No way but gentleness, gently, gently: the fiend
is rough, and will not be roughly used.
SIR TOBY Why, how now, my bawcock? How dost thou,
chuck?
MALVOLIO Sir!
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SIR TOBY Ay, biddy, come with me. What, man, ’tis not
for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan. Hang him,
foul collier!
MARIA Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get
him to pray.
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MALVOLIO My prayers, minx!
MARIA No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
MALVOLIO Go hang yourselves all: you are idle, shallow
things, I am not of your element: you shall know more
hereafter. Exit.
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SIR TOBY Is’t possible?
FABIAN If this were played upon a stage now, I could
condemn it as an improbable fiction.
SIR TOBY His very genius hath taken the infection of the
device, man.
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MARIA Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air,
and taint.
FABIAN Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
MARIA The house will be the quieter.
SIR TOBY Come, we’ll have him in a dark room and
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bound. My niece is already in the belief that he’s mad:
we may carry it thus for our pleasure, and his penance,
till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to
have mercy on him; at which time we will bring the
device to the bar, and crown thee for a finder of
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madmen. But see, but see!
Enter SIR ANDREW.
FABIAN More matter for a May morning!
SIR ANDREW Here’s the challenge, read it: I warrant
there’s vinegar and pepper in’t.
FABIAN Is’t so saucy?
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SIR ANDREW Ay, is’t, I warrant him: do but read.
SIR TOBY Give me. [Reads.] Youth, whatsoever thou art,
thou art but a scurvy fellow.
FABIAN Good, and valiant.
SIR TOBY Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I
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do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for’t.
FABIAN A good note; that keeps you from the blow of
the law.
SIR TOBY Thou com’st to the Lady Olivia, and in my sight
she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat; that is
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not the matter I challenge thee for.
FABIAN Very brief, and to exceeding good sense [aside]
-less.
SIR TOBY I will waylay thee going home, where if it be thy
chance to kill me –
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FABIAN Good.
SIR TOBY Thou kill’st me like a rogue and a villain.
FABIAN Still you keep o’ th’ windy side of the law:
good.
SIR TOBY Fare thee well, and God have mercy upon one of
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our souls! He may have mercy upon mine, but my hope is
better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest
him, and thy sworn enemy,
Andrew Aguecheek.
If this letter move him not, his legs cannot. I’ll give’t
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him.
MARIA You may have very fit occasion for’t: he is now in
some commerce with my lady, and will by and by
depart.
SIR TOBY Go, Sir Andrew: scout me for him at the
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corner of the orchard, like a bum-baily. So soon as ever
thou see’st him, draw, and as thou draw’st, swear
horrible: for it comes to pass oft, that a terrible oath,
with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives
manhood more approbation than ever proof itself
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would have earned him. Away!
SIR ANDREW Nay, let me alone for swearing. Exit.
SIR TOBY Now will not I deliver his letter: for the
behaviour of the young gentleman gives him out to
be of good capacity and breeding: his employment
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between his lord and my niece confirms no less.
Therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant,
will breed no terror in the youth: he will find it comes
from a clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by
word of mouth, set upon Aguecheek a notable report
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of valour, and drive the gentleman (as I know his youth
will aptly receive it) into a most hideous opinion of his
rage, skill, fury, and impetuosity. This will so fright
them both that they will kill one another by the look,
like cockatrices.
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Enter OLIVIA and VIOLA.
FABIAN Here he comes with your niece: give them way
till he take leave, and presently after him.
SIR TOBY I will meditate the while upon some horrid
message for a challenge.
Exeunt Sir Toby, Fabian and Maria.
OLIVIA I have said too much unto a heart of stone,
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And laid mine honour too unchary out:
There’s something in me that reproves my fault:
But such a headstrong potent fault it is,
That it but mocks reproof.
VIOLA With the same ’haviour that your passion bears
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Goes on my master’s griefs.
OLIVIA Here, wear this jewel for me, ’tis my picture:
Refuse it not, it hath no tongue to vex you:
And I beseech you come again to-morrow.
What shall you ask of me that I’ll deny,
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That honour sav’d may upon asking give?
VIOLA Nothing but this, your true love for my master.
OLIVIA How with mine honour may I give him that
Which I have given to you?
VIOLA I will acquit you.
OLIVIA Well, come again to-morrow. Fare thee well;
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A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.
Exit.
Enter SIR TOBY and FABIAN.
SIR TOBY Gentleman, God save thee.
VIOLA And you, sir.
SIR TOBY That defence thou hast, betake thee to’t. Of
what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I
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know not: but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as
the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end. Dismount
thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is
quick, skilful, and deadly.
VIOLA You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any
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quarrel to me: my remembrance is very free and clear
from any image of offence done to any man.
SIR TOBY You’ll find it otherwise, I assure you.
Therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake
you to your guard: for your opposite hath in him what
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youth, strength, skill, and wrath, can furnish man
withal.
VIOLA I pray you, sir, what is he?
SIR TOBY He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier,
and on carpet consideration, but he is a devil in private
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brawl. Souls and bodies hath he divorced three, and
his incensement at this moment is so implacable that
satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and
sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word: give’t or take’t.
VIOLA I will return again into the house, and desire
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some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard
of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on
others to taste their valour: belike this is a man of that
quirk.
SIR TOBY Sir, no: his indignation derives itself out of a
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very competent injury; therefore get you on, and give
him his desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless
The Arden Shakespeare Complete Works Page 530