The Blogger and the Hunk

by Jane Matisse

  “Sorry, sorry. I just— He’s really— Goddamn it, Penny! He’s a fucking GOD!” Stephanie exclaimed, failing to keep her voice down. Jasmine slapped her arm and gave her a look. “Sorry,” she mumbled.

  “So what did he tell you?” Jasmine asked Penelope.

  “I have a feeling he thought I was going to break down and beg him to make me his girlfriend. I half expected him to wait for me to announce my undying worship. Prick,” she couldn’t help adding.

  “Someone’s a little pissed off.” Stephanie laughed.

  “I think you need a drink,” Jasmine added, handing Penelope a glass of iced tea.

  Penelope looked at the glass, a little skeptical.

  “It’s spiked iced tea. Don’t worry, you won’t get wasted.” Penelope took a sip and was surprised to find she liked it. Just one drink couldn’t hurt, right? She could get a slight buzz and still think about her actions, right? All she needed was to forget the wedding, forget the whispers about her wholesome character, and especially forget the sexy maid of honor dancing with the fit blonde on the dance floor.

  * * *

  “Can I have another one of these... things?” Penelope asked the bartender. She was on her second drink and she was starting to get a small buzz. She had been standing with Celeste and her mother, making sure she didn’t get into trouble. Apparently, Celeste was freaking out because the salad dressing contained nuts when she had specifically ordered it to have none. Some of Bryan’s family members were allergic. Penelope was growing tired of her sister’s episode and it didn’t help that she couldn’t seem to look away from Jack.

  The guy had no shame. He had the balls to reprimand her for not being more involved in her sister’s affairs while he was neglecting his duties toward Celeste.

  She was here, trying to comfort her stressed sister who was losing her mind, while her official maid of honor was sucking face with one of the promiscuous cheerleading bridesmaids and shamelessly grabbing her ass. She didn’t understand it. She didn’t understand how she managed to let herself fall for his charms. Who knew how many women he had fucked before he did her? Not to mention, she was probably the first girl he had slept with who was a complete hippo compared to all the others. A size ten in a string of size two girls.

  Why did she notice it anyway? Why did she notice the way he paid attention to each girl as if she were the only person in the room full of guests? Why did she notice the way he seductively kissed the nameless blonde with such passion? It wasn’t as if she cared. It wasn’t for her benefit, but for her sister. This was her sister’s night and she wasn’t going to let some spoiled, selfish Casanova ruin it.

  “Where did you meet him?” she asked Celeste.

  “Who?”

  “Your ‘charming’ MOH.”

  Celeste laughed. “He was my friend from college. Well, we started off as partners.”

  “Partners?” Penelope asked, confused.

  “You know I was a cheerleader, right?”

  “Right.”

  “Well, Jack was my football player. I was assigned to him my freshman year, and was his cheerleader until he graduated.”

  Penelope’s face contorted. “So you were his Barbie doll while he called all the shots on the field.”

  “Pretty much!”

  Penelope shook her head. “Why didn’t you ever mention him to us before?”

  “I knew about him,” her mom replied.

  “What? How did I not know about him?”

  “You were never interested in my cheerleading,” Celeste replied simply.

  “Well, it’s not exactly a sport with a great reputation, Celeste. I was against you doing it from the first.”

  “Exactly, which was why you never knew about Jackie.” Celeste immediately became suspicious. “Why does it bother you so much anyway? Do you like him?” Penelope mustered up a serious look on her face, trying to convince her sister she had no interest in the guy she’d lost her virginity to whatsoever.

  “Ay, mija. A man who looks like that would never be faithful to you. Why not fall in love with a smart man? Someone like your father.”

  “Mom, I think that’s the last kind of man I would ever consider marrying,” Penelope deadpanned. “Besides, who ever said I was even remotely interested in Jack? He’s a brainless compulsive womanizer who doesn’t know how to keep it in his pants!”

  “You think he’s gorgeous! You want him so badly, don’t you? You know, I could put in a good word for you. Just wear a dress like tonight and let me do the makeup and hair for you and—”

  “Hey!” Penelope exclaimed.

  Celeste laughed. “I was just joking. To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t recommend him. He is a player. There were rumors a few professors tried to seduce him. Made suggestive comments toward him once or twice.”

  “Was it true?”

  Celeste shrugged. “Jack never tried proving them wrong. He’s a great guy, and one of my best friends, but I wouldn’t wish him to be with any woman I genuinely like. He doesn’t know the meaning of monogamy,” she confessed.

  Penelope was getting a little annoyed with her sister’s talk about Jack. She knew she had to keep both her mother and her sister completely in the dark about her feelings for him. Not that there were any feelings other than disgust, but she had to steer the conversation elsewhere before either one decided to embarrass her.

  “Isn’t it time for speeches now?” Penelope inquired, trying to distract Celeste.

  “That’s right, it’s time for the MOH speech! Bryan!” Celeste called out for her fiancé and went up to him. Penelope decided to go hide in a ditch somewhere until the night was over. She’d had too much excitement for one night.

  Just when she’d hidden herself from everyone’s view, there was feedback from the mic, and everyone stopped talking, murmuring about the noise.

  “Sorry about that.” Bryan spoke into the mic. “Just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for coming tonight and celebrating what will be one of the most amazing days of my life, only equaled by the first day I met Celeste. She is the most incredible person I have ever met, and I seriously can’t wait until I get to spend the rest of my life with you,” he said, facing his fiancée. “I’d like to extend a warm gracias to her family, who have been supportive of us and have taken me in with open arms.” Then in his broken Spanish, he added, “Gracias para sus apoyo y su mucho amor.”

  Penelope could hear the awws from her aunts and grandmother and shook her head, a small smile gracing her face. The men were too busy yelling in excitement as they accepted their new family member.

  “And now, I would like to pass the mic on to the maid of honor, or I should say man of honor, Jack.”

  Applause broke out from the crowd, but the MOH didn’t make an appearance. For a few moments there was a murmur as everyone looked around for the missing maid of honor. A sudden spotlight hit a couple on the far side of the room. The guy was grabbing the girl’s butt and they were too busy making out to notice the whole room turned to look at them. There were a few catcalls and wolf whistles. It wasn’t until someone decided to tap Jack on the shoulder that they pulled apart.

  Penelope huffed. He didn’t even have the audacity to look sorry! Penelope tossed back her drink until she felt the alcohol run through her veins. She was definitely starting to see double and her stomach was a little queasy. There was no way she’d be able to get to the bathroom at the other side of the venue without throwing up all over the floor. She ran out the double glass doors without looking back or waiting to finish hearing the speech.

  As soon as she spotted the bushes, she let go of all the alcohol in her system. The force of it was enough to drive her into a dizzy spell, and she staggered along the path lined with rose bushes. She only managed to take a few steps before losing her footing. Penelope tried grabbing onto something, but her hands only grasped air. The impact of her head onto the ground was enough to make her aware of the pain at her temple. But the last thing she remembered was the
sound of laughter inside the venue before she closed her eyes.

  * * *

  “Thank you all again for coming, and have a safe drive home tonight.” The crowd erupted in applause. There were a few tears, a few whistles, and in the sea of faces, Jack could see his dear Celeste smiling up at him, hints of tears at the corners of her eyes.

  They had a silent exchange of glances before Bryan grabbed Celeste by the waist and kissed the living daylights out of her. Jack wrinkled his nose at the exchange. It felt a little weird seeing his friend in such a public display of affection.

  “That was a beautiful speech, Jack. Gracias,” Celeste’s mother stated, pulling him into a tight embrace. The smaller Latina woman had a strong grip when it came to hugs.

  “You’re very welcome, señora,” he replied, returning the embrace. The evening was at its end and people were leaving the venue, hugging and thanking Celeste for the invitation. He was congratulated on the choice of venue and for putting the event together in the first place, especially when decorating wasn’t exactly his forte.

  It wasn’t until the last of the guests left that Celeste finally made her way to him, swinging an arm around his neck and sloppily kissing his cheek.

  “Thank you, Jackie, for a wonderful night! You are amazing as always.” She choked him with her thin arms wrapped tight around his neck, the smell of champagne prevalent on her breath. “Love you.” She tripped a little in her heels, but Bryan was right behind her, ready to take her out of Jack’s embrace.

  “Come on, babe. Let’s go home,” he said, picking her up. Celeste let out a squeal. “Thanks for everything, Jack. We’ll see you later.”

  Then she began to flail her arms in protest. “Wait! Where’s Penny? I wanted to say good-bye before I left,” Celeste slurred, looking around the room.

  “Don’t worry about her. I’ll look for her and let her know you said good-bye,” Jack responded. “You go on and get some much-needed rest.”

  “Oh, we’re not sleeping tonight,” she confessed, giving Bryan a come-hither look. Jack felt like gagging.

  He watched as Bryan carried Celeste off to the car and decided to look for the long-lost sister. It seemed like the universe was purposely throwing them together any chance it got. After asking a few of the cleaners picking up after the party and confirming that her car was still in the parking lot, he walked out toward the gardens, wondering if she’d maybe thought to take a ride with someone else. It wouldn’t hurt to check, just to make sure.

  “You’d better be on your way home, Penny,” he muttered to himself, slightly mocking the nickname. If anyone knew what kind of woman was underneath her timid personality, they’d laugh at the childish nickname. A few steps down the path, and he tripped. “Shit,” he gasped as he looked at what his foot had caught on. It was a pair of legs with red heels. “Penelope?”

  He knelt and turned the body slowly. Luckily, the lamps outside easily illuminated the darkness. He took his time searching her for any sign of a concussion or blood. Besides the minor cut she had on her left temple, there were no broken bones or severe injuries.

  He shook her slightly, trying to wake her up. “Penelope? Wake up. Get up, come on.” She began to stir in his arms, and Jack was able to breathe easily again. The last thing he needed was to have Celeste’s sister go into a coma a couple months before the wedding.

  “Mmmm... you smell good,” she mumbled in a half daze.

  “Well, that makes one of us.” Jack wrinkled his nose at the stench of her breath. The woman obviously didn’t know how to hold her liquor down.

  She nuzzled his neck and cuddled closer to him, her breasts pressing against his chest and her dress riding up well above her knees. He needed to get her home safe. Luckily, he had ridden with Dylan in his car, so he could easily just drive Penelope to her place in hers. There was only one problem. He had no idea where she lived and she was too damn drunk to give him directions.

  “Well, I guess we’ll just have to drive to my place tonight. Come on. Up, up,” he bit out, trying to lift her from the ground. She stumbled a bit with those red heels, but managed to steady her Jell-O legs.

  “Are we gonna go have some sex?” he heard her murmur, the stench of alcohol strong on her breath. He stumbled, but managed to regain his confident stride out to the parking lot.

  “I think you’re too drunk for that, babe. I’ll consider it when you’re sober and you ask me nicely.”

  “What happened to her?” Dylan asked, once he spotted Jack with a woman in his arms.

  “She passed out. Got a small cut. I’m just doing the right thing and taking her home,” Jack replied, trying his best to sound nonchalant while holding Penelope close to his body.

  “Wait, is this the chick you—”

  “You say one word to anyone, and I will pummel your pretty face.”

  Dylan laughed, climbing in the car. “All right, I’ll stay quiet. I’ll see you later.” He started the car and drove out of the parking lot, leaving a drunk Penelope and attentive Jack behind.

  “He’s nice,” Penelope spoke up.

  Jack turned to smirk at her while fishing the car keys out of her purse and helping her into the passenger seat. Once he had her buckled in, he noticed her staring at him openly.

  “You’re beautiful. Thank you.” Her head lolled to the side as a loud snore came from her lips.

  Jack shook his head in defeat, looking up at the sky to nothing in particular. Or maybe the Greek gods. Who knew? “Please give me strength.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  I’m not a drinker. I’m really not. I never understood the fun in drinking. I never understood the joy in drinking so much that your head felt like it was going to explode the next morning. But I’ve come to realize why it’s done. I now know that sometimes you just need to drink. Whether for your sanity or your absurdly high stress levels. I will never judge the women who need at least a glass of wine a day ever again.

  DIARY OF A WALLFLOWER: Entry 146

  Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.

  Penelope felt like someone was hitting her head with a hammer. She was nauseous, her throat was dry, and to top it all off, she couldn’t remember a thing from last night. How the hell had she even gotten home?

  She slowly opened her eyes. It took her a moment to realize that she wasn’t even in her room, yet the place still looked familiar. Then it clicked.

  Oh shit. I’m in Jack’s room!

  She quickly shuffled out of the bed, somewhat relieved to find herself in clothes, although the oversized T-shirt barely even covered her underwear. Her head began to spin and she staggered around the room, trying to find her dress. No such luck. At least Jack wasn’t in bed this morning. She didn’t think she would have been able to sneak out while battling the mother of hangovers.

  “Oh well, guess I’m going to have to steal another pair of sweats,” she croaked, wincing at the rawness of her throat. She searched in the second drawer of the dresser and took out a pair of gray sweats from the neatly folded pile to tug them on. Slowly, she snuck out of the room and tried her best not to make noise while looking for the kitchen to get a glass of water.

  “Good morning. Care for a glass of a hangover formula?”

  Penelope turned her head to the right, immediately regretting the movement. Her head spun and she was about to topple over when two strong arms came around her and held her against a naked chest. “I knew I had a certain effect on women, I just didn’t think I had the ability to make them swoon,” he joked, chuckling. Penelope could feel the rumbling of his chest through his flawless skin.

  “Umm... uhh, thank you for not letting me fall,” she responded, slipping away from his grasp and sitting on one of the two chairs at the small table, trying to hold her head together.

  Jack sat on the chair opposite and slid a green concoction in a glass in front of her. “Drink up. You’ll have to restore the damage you did to your body last night.”

  “What’s in it?” Penelope asked, a little skeptical a
bout drinking the green liquid.

  “Kale, spinach, coconut oil, some berries, and a banana to add sweetness.” Penelope sipped it, shrugging a little when she realized the drink didn’t taste as bad as it looked.

  “Did you sleep okay?”

  Penelope looked up to see Jack watching her intently. “Yeah.” She nodded. “I just feel like I head butted a rhino,” she explained, touching her tender temple.

  “You gave yourself a small cut last night on your temple.” He reached out to touch the sensitive spot. “Do you remember anything?”

  Penelope shook her head. “Did I— Did we—” She had suddenly turned into a bumbling idiot. “What I mean is, did we spend the night together?” She avoided his gaze, looking down at the smoothie.

  Jack merely smiled at her. “Let’s just say you made noises no woman has ever made before.”

  Penelope groaned. They’d slept together again. Why did she insist on torturing herself? Although she was a teeny bit disappointed she couldn’t remember any of it.

  Jack laughed at her and reached out to take her hand. “I’m just teasing. Nothing happened between us. You just snored. A lot. If getting a hangover doesn’t stop you from getting drunk again, then just keep in mind if you plan to go home with a guy, don’t drink yourself into a stupor beforehand. I thought a bear had sneaked into my apartment.” He laughed, chucking her chin and turning to the whistling kettle on the stove.

  Penelope couldn’t stop the heat from taking over. She could just imagine the tomato color her face was sporting. “Does that mean you didn’t take me out of my clothes?” she managed to ask.

  “I was surprised you were actually balanced enough to slide that little number off, especially with those fuck-me heels.” His eyes twinkled from above his mug of coffee.

  Penelope wasn’t having any of it. “Ugh, stop! Just stop it! Be serious for once, please. No more of these double meanings and sexual innuendos. They’re getting a little annoying and the only thing I want to do right now is find my dress and get home.”

  Jack just looked back at her, a serious expression on his face. “All right, truce. I’ll shut up for now. Deal?”