by Mary Alford
“Where am I?”
He smiled when he saw I was awake. “Royal Hospital in Kuwait. I thought it best to make sure you were okay before sending you home.”
“Ava--”
“Is fine. She’s waiting at home for you. Want to get out of here?”
I knew there were many things that he wasn’t telling me but for the moment, my concern for my daughter far outweighed my curiosity.
Once I was dressed, Jeff told me there was a private plane waiting to take us back to Jerusalem.
“Are you returning to Jerusalem as well?”
We sat in the back of a limo while the driver inched his way through heavy airport traffic. “Yes. But don’t worry. I’m not after your job anymore. My instructions are to make sure you get home safely to your daughter.”
“What about David’s position at the peace talks? This will be devastating.”
He nodded solemnly. “The talks will be postponed another week. The world will be told David is retiring due to bad health.”
“Impossible. If someone from the press doesn’t get wind of the truth, there’s no way we can get whoever steps in to David’s position updated by then.”
“Oh, I don’t think you’ll have a problem getting up to speed, Madam Ambassador.”
I sat up straight. “What are you talking about?”
Jeff, in his usual manner, simply grinned and shook his head at my ignorance. “Congratulations. You’ve been appointed to fill the position, Rachel. The word came through this morning. You were David’s original choice anyway, which was the one thing he did right. You’re ready. Do good things with it. Make up for David’s mistakes. Leave a positive impact in the Middle East.”
I looked away from the tenderness in him. “Yes. I’ll try.” My thoughts were all over the board. There would be much to do. Many challenges, first and foremost, the upcoming peace talks. Did I want to take over that nightmare? In the past, it had always seemed some future event. Not anymore.
With the plane airborne, I thought about all the questions I needed answering.
“What happens to Hughes? He may have pulled this one off in the end, but he’s as guilty as David in many ways.”
Jeff hesitated for only a second. “He’s been asked to resign. Again, it will be done quietly so as to not raise suspicion.”
“And Michael?”
“I’d say that will be up to the new director, wouldn’t you?”
I took a deep breath and asked the question I’d been arguing with my heart over for a long time. “Jeff, tell me the truth. Is Booth dead? Please, I need to know.”
The length of time it took him to respond had me believing I had my answer already. “That depends.”
I shook my head, sick to death of playing games. I needed the truth, not more confusing words. “Enough, Jeff. Tell me the truth for once. I don’t understand. How could Booth being dead depend on anything? What does it depend on?”
He looked me square in the eye. I’d never seen Jeff more serious. “On you. Booth’s death depends on you, Rachel. On whether or not you want him to be dead.”
I searched his expression, trying to understand the hidden meaning. Then it hit me. Booth was alive. Jeff knew this for a fact. Booth hadn’t wanted to tell me.
It hurt like crazy to consider Booth would have chosen this course. But, did I want him to be alive? I had a decision to make. I’d made so many mistakes in the past thinking I was doing what was right for Ava. This time, I needed to be sure. I owed it to Booth and to our daughter.
I took a deep breath and accepted the truth. I’d never stopped loving Booth no matter how far I’d run or how hard I’d tried to deny it. “I want him to be alive. I need him to be alive,” I said with all my heart. “I have to know if he...still cares. And I need to apologize for not telling him about Ava.”
Jeff nodded then turned away. Not exactly, the most reassuring of answers but all that I would get for the moment. I’d take the small amount of hope he’d given me and be happy. Booth was alive. No matter what our future might be together, we’d always have Ava to share. My daughter needed her father every bit as much as I needed her. I had no right keeping him from her. And I’d spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to both of them.
Chapter Fourteen
Two weeks after the peace talks ended with only a slim margin of success, Booth Tanner found me. Seeing him again after such a long time cleared away the last of my doubts. I still loved him. I’d been a fool to walk away from what we had.
I’d spent the morning with Ava playing in our backyard. I think she’d somehow known how close to dying I’d come although I’d tried to keep it from her. She didn’t want to let me out of her sight for a minute and I was okay with that.
Since my imprisonment, I’d been an emotional wreck. In the past, I’d never been a weepy person. Coming close to death had changed that. I’d wake up in the middle of the night my heart racing. In my dreams, I was right back in the prison, facing the man I’d once believed to be a true patriot. David had destroyed so many lives and he’d taken away my ability to trust. I was determined to get it back. I wasn’t going to let him win.
When Dana offered to take Ava to the zoo, my daughter was just excited enough to be away from me for a couple of hours. As hard as it was to let her out of my sight, I needed to find a way to make peace with what happened and put it in my past.
The doorbell rang a few hours before I expected them home. Had Dana forgotten her key? I opened the door and saw him standing before me and for a second my knees threatened to desert me. I couldn’t believe it. Booth was alive and here and I didn’t know what to say to him.
“Hello, Rachel.” In the most unexpected place, Booth stood before me like a promise from the past waiting to be fulfilled.
The sound of my name coming from him took me back to the past. I loved everything about Booth. The way he always looked fantastic after we’d spent the entire night tracking a bad guy. The hazel in his eyes. The tousled dirty blond hair, so like Ava’s, touching the collar of his cowboy-style shirt. Further proof that Booth was a rebel who cared little for current trends. He’d told me once he’d lost track of the number of times he’d been reprimanded for the length of his hair. He’d been ordered to cut it many times, but he’d refused. The shirt, well, that was typical Booth, a cowboy at heart.
Seeing him here, in my element and unexpectedly, well, my mind went to places best left for later. If there was to be a later for us. If he’d still have me. Right now, he looked as if he’d stepped out of bed and was ready to take on any bad guy. And that was the mystery that was Booth Tanner.
“Rachel?” I loved the way he said my name. When I met his gaze at last, my next breath simply evaporated into the tense space between us. He sounded hesitant, unlike Booth. Today, there was a hard edge to him I hadn’t seen before. It scared me. It spoke of the things Booth had endured since we parted. It tore at my heart. Would he ever be able to put those horrors behind him?
“Booth, I-I...” I struggled to find something to say while my thoughts scattered into a dozen different directions. “It’s good to see you again.”
He stepped inside and closed the door. A sad smile played at the corners of his mouth, not dispelling the hardness in his eyes. “Is it? I would have thought otherwise.”
Suddenly, a thousand different memories flew through my head. All the times we’d laughed and fought. Loved each other. I wondered if this would be the final chapter for us. Two strangers tied together because of one little girl and one troubled past.
The thought brought tears. Before I could hide them, he’d seen. Booth stepped close, a breath away from me.
I saw the truth in him before he even said a word. “No, Rachel. It will never be like that for us.”
Before I could consider the consequences of my actions, I went into his arms as if I belonged there. Booth was both safe and dangerous, as he had been in the past. As I wanted him to be now.
I wrapped my arms
around his waist and held him for a moment longer. I felt Booth wince, then I pulled away to look at him. “Are you okay?” While he rushed to reassure me he was, I knew he had been through hell and back. As hard as it was to voice the words aloud, I needed to hear his answer. “What are we doing here, Booth? I can’t be with you. I can’t risk losing you again.”
Another tiny smile, this one genuine, lit up his face. “I’m not going anywhere. Well, except maybe back to D.C. long enough to learn the details of my new position within the agency. I’ve been offered Hughes’ job.”
I think it took me longer to believe I’d heard him correctly than it did to believe he was alive. He laughed at my expression. That tenderness I’d always loved was there. The same as the night when we’d made love in the desert. “It’s true. I accepted with only one stipulation. My home base will be here in Jerusalem. With you--with our daughter.”
There were many things I wanted to tell him and much I needed to ask his forgiveness for, but that would come in time. It could wait. Right now, I wanted to tell Booth how much I still loved him. But the words wouldn’t come. Not that it mattered. He knew. I could see it in the way he smiled at me before he took me in his arms, kissed me and showed me he felt the same.
“I love you, Rachel,” he told me with so much sincerity that I believed him.
“You really mean that?” I asked in amazement. I sounded so uncertain and so vulnerable.
“Yes. Yes, I do. I love you. And I know that you love me. I was wrong before. I thought I wasn’t capable of loving anyone until I met you. But you changed that for me. I think I fell in love with you the first time we met. You remember?” He smiled down at me.
I did. I remembered the cocky, self-confident man he’d been back then. “I think I fell in love with you too and I don’t want to live without you in my life a moment longer. I love you and I want to try--” With a desperate sound, he pulled me into his arms, his lips claiming mine once more, capturing the rest of my words with his kiss. I couldn’t believe he was here, holding me, kissing me. I was so afraid I’d wake up and find myself alone again.
* * * *
“Want to take a walk?” he asked some time later when I was finally able to let him go.
It was time to settle the issues between us once and for all. Talking was the hard part. In the past, I’d always dreaded this discussion. But not now, because I knew no matter what, we loved each other and we’d work the rest of it out, in spite of how difficult and painful it might be.
“Yes. Ava should be back in another half hour so we should have time.” I grabbed my cell phone, and Booth’s hand.
Close to my house, there was a small park I’d grown to love. I came here often when troubled. Today, I felt the same, only different. I found my favorite bench and sat with Booth close by.
“How long have you known about Ava?” I asked when I couldn’t stand the doubts any longer.
“Since the beginning.”
“Michael?”
He shifted next to me. I could feel the heat of desire in his eyes. “Yes. In spite of what you think, Michael cares about you, Rachel. He wanted to do what was best for you and Ava. But he wanted to be my friend as well.”
“I’m sorry.” I barely got the words out before the tears came. Booth gathered me into the shelter of his arms and held me.
“Rachel, don’t. Please don’t cry. You did what you thought was right for our daughter. I could never hold that against you. And you were right. Back then, I wouldn’t have made a good father, but I have to confess, not being part of her life almost killed me.”
I never considered Booth might actually want to share Ava’s life. I’d been so determined I knew what his reaction would have been that I never let myself trust him. “I’m sorry I did that to you.”
He squeezed me closer and shook his head. “No, you did what was right.”
“What changed your mind?” I had to know.
He let me go, but only to look into my eyes. “Rachel, I always wanted to be part of her life…and yours. You have no idea how hard it was to honor your wishes. But I’m glad you changed your mind. Was it because of what happened in Afghanistan? With David?”
I wasn’t sure where to begin to explain my change of heart. “Partly, but mostly it was Rahab’s message--and my reaction to it.”
At last, it became clear. Booth wasn’t surprised to hear she’d contacted me. He’d told her to. “You told her to get in touch with me.”
“Yes,” he said and watched me carefully.
“Where were you, Booth? I was so afraid for you. Why did you want me involved?”
There was so much pain there that I wanted only to comfort him. I cupped his face with my hand. “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it.”
“No, I need you to know everything.” His fingers reached for my hand and brought it to his lips. “I never wanted you involved in this thing. Especially when David was identified as the mastermind. I wanted to keep you as far away from it as possible, but I had no choice. You see, I was injured. I couldn’t get word to you on my own. And I didn’t know who to trust but you.”
I searched his expression. “Injured. How bad is it? Please tell me--”
He squeezed my hand. “I’m okay. But at the time, I wasn’t. I was in the small village in Afghanistan that you went to search for Rahab when I discovered the truth about the WOMD and the impending attack on the talks. Or at least part of the truth. At the time, we still had no idea about David. Unfortunately, David’s goons were there as well. There was an attack. I was shot. One bullet missed my heart by inches.” He stopped. Breathed. Brushed aside my tears.
“Rahab took me in, got me to safety. Got medical help. It was then that it was decided the best way to draw out the person behind this within the embassy was to let them believe I was dead. We had no idea it would play out this way. I had no idea you would come after me, I thought you’d go to David for help and that would help flush out the person behind this thing.”
I smiled a little at this. “Did you think I’d leave you there alone? I couldn’t do that, Booth. In spite of what I tried to tell myself, I still loved you…and we are still married.” I quickly confessed the truth about not being able to sign the divorce papers.
He smiled in wonderment. “I’m certainly glad you didn’t.”
“How did Rahab become involved in this? I know you don’t like to use civilians.”
“She’s not--wasn’t--a civilian. Rahab was the sister of Zyad Ali-Arawar. She saw the terrible things her brother and Bin Laden were responsible for and she was worried about her people and her country. She came to us to help.”
“I’m sorry that she became a pawn in this thing.” After a moment of silence, I asked about David. “What will happen to him?”
“He’ll be turned over to the people he tried to harm. They’ll deal with him. For now, he’s singing like a canary. He’s provided valuable information that will help us take down dozens of terrorist cells, maybe bring in Zyad Ali-Arawar.”
When did this become so widespread? If we took down all of al-Qaeda, I knew it wouldn’t end there.
Booth read my thoughts. “I wish I knew the answer, Rachel. How many more good people have to die because the human race can’t coexist? None of us are innocent in this. The U.S, Afghanistan, al-Qaeda. ISIS. Me, David, Rahab. We all have blood on our hands. And it won’t end in our lifetime or Ava’s. We can only do our part and hope.”
“Booth, I know at times the lines seem grayed, but you are on the right side.”
He smiled, but the hard look had returned. “Yes, I hope so. But why doesn’t it feel that way?”
Because I had no answer for him, I changed the subject. “What happens now for Michael? He must be disappointed. Hughes had to be grooming him for the position.”
Booth’s grin reminded me of a kid in a candy shop. “Are you kidding? Michael can’t wait to get back into the field. He missed it. He’ll be in charge of the hunt for Ali-Arawar.”
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“Is that wise? Michael’s field experience has to be a bit rusty. It’s been years.”
“He’ll catch up quickly and he has some good men backing him up. Sam...And Jeff. I think Michael wants to try and make up for the mistakes he made in the past by trusting Hughes. For sending me out on an assignment he knew I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to finish.” Booth caught my surprise and shook his head, adding gravely,
“Yes, he was my handler, but don’t hate him too much for that, Rachel. Michael has his own demons to contend with. He still blames himself for leaving Rahab. I believe he truly loved her at one time. With Sam and Jeff’s help, he can make a difference in the war on terror. It won’t bring back Rahab or the past, but it’s a start for seeking redemption.”
I hadn’t spoken to Jeff since I’d left the hospital, but I wasn’t surprised he’d chosen to return to active duty.
It could be addicting once you got a taste of it. “And you? How are you going to adjust to being behind a desk most of the time?”
He took his time answering. Booth’s fingers stroked my face, brushing back a strand of my hair. “When you left me, well, nothing was the same. I felt as if I’d lost my center, my passion for the job. To tell you the truth, I’ve wanted out for a long time. I didn’t think I had anything to go home to. I hope that’s changed. I hope I have you and Ava.”
Years had passed since I’d walked away from Booth and the shadowy games we played in the name of freedom. During that time, I did everything to push him out of my head and my heart, but I hadn’t been able to. I loved him. I realized I’d been waiting all this time for him to find me again. For the first time since that night long ago, I was hopeful.
I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. I could probably have not said a word and he would have understood, but I wanted him to know how I felt, no, I needed him to know. After all, none of us knew how long we had on this earth. My final mission in Afghanistan proved that.
“Booth, I love you. I never stopped loving you. And I want to be with you. I want us to be the family we were meant to be and I’ll do whatever it takes to prove that to you. If it means leaving my position with the embassy and returning to the States, then so be it. You and Ava are the only things that matter--” Whatever else I might have said died away the second his lips met mine once more.