#Poser

by Cambria Hebert

  “It’s just weird.” She went on, setting the cat down at her feet. “He just became like the sun to my planet, and while I’m so happy he’s living his dream and I’d never ask him to come home… it’s just weird here without him.”

  “Yeah.” I agreed, understanding perfectly. “Planets need their sun.” I miss him too.

  Rimmel smiled slightly and picked up the paper sack. “I got you a couple breakfast sandwiches.”

  “Hells yeah.” I grabbed the bag and stuck my face inside to inhale the scent of greasy bacon and cheese.

  Clutching the bag, I dropped low, scooping her up, and spun her in a circle. “Best sister ever.”

  She laughed. On the counter, her cell chimed with a text. Her attention abruptly switched to the phone.

  I put her down with a chuckle. “Tell Rome I said hi.”

  She snatched the phone off the counter and leaned against the island, completely focused on the message he’d sent. I knew from the smile that instantly graced her face whatever he said made her happy.

  Thinking fast, I grabbed my cell, snapping a pic of her standing there all engrossed and in love with her phone. I shot it off to him in a text with the message: She still loves ya. Every time U text, she looks like this.

  I set my phone aside and turned to the coffee maker. “You want some?” I hollered over my shoulder.

  “Uh-huh.”

  I poured two mugs, got out the creamer, and then sat at the island with my sugar and grease for breakfast. It went really good with caffeine.

  Rimmel looked up a few seconds later, her face still all smiley.

  “Come on.” I patted the stool beside me. “I’ll share my bacon with ya.”

  Rimmel took the coffee I poured her and climbed onto the seat beside me and went about adding in some creamer.

  “He doing all right there?” I asked, setting the food aside.

  She nodded. “I think so. At least he acts like it to me. How do you think he sounds when you talk to him?”

  “The same.” I agreed. “Maybe a little stressed about his arm.”

  She nodded, concern dimming her features. “His arm is going to be a worry for a while still,” she said softly. “He’s been throwing, though. Says his arm is almost as strong as it was. And he’s gotten even better throwing with his left. He’s pushing himself too hard.” She paused. “But he says he thinks he’ll get to play this season.”

  He did push himself, but that wasn’t ever gonna change. I did talk to him, mostly about football and guy stuff. I asked about his arm once, and he said it was fine. I hadn’t asked recently because I figured if there was a problem, he’d say so. I also never asked him about his schedule. I figured he’d come home when he could. “When’s he coming home to visit?” I asked.

  Rimmel’s face lit up. “He thinks he can come home next weekend.”

  “Hells yeah,” I said and grabbed a donut to hand to her. When she took it, I snagged another and held it out. “Cheers.”

  We bumped the pastries together and then took a bite. My bite was like three times the size of hers.

  I polished off what was in my hand and then grabbed up my coffee. Rimmel was still pecking away at her breakfast, her phone screen having gone dark a few minutes ago. I took that as a sign Rome wasn’t still texting.

  “Hey, so how’s Ivy been?” I couldn’t help the tentative nature of my tone. I’d been wanting to ask since I got home from camp. Just hadn’t gotten the chance. The three of us were usually together, or Rim was at work when Ivy was. This was the first time we’d actually been alone in a couple weeks.

  I wondered if maybe I was the only one that thought Ivy seemed a little on edge. That maybe I felt that way as a product of my own emotions and not actually the way Ivy was behaving.

  What happened in the shower was all her. I shook the thought away and glanced up.

  Rimmel tilted her head to study me. “Why do you ask?”

  Damn, she was perceptive. Why couldn’t she just answer the question?

  I shrugged like it was no big deal. “With classes starting up, I think she’s been kinda nervous. You know, after all the shit that went down last semester.” I didn’t mention seeing Missy at Lotus or the way Ivy acted when we first approached the table full of my teammates.

  Rimmel gazed at me with knowing eyes. “You’re worried about her.”

  “It’s my job to worry about her.”

  “It’s your job to love her,” Rimmel corrected but then allowed, “and yeah, maybe worry about her some too.”

  I drank some more coffee and waited for an answer to the original question.

  “But I’ve never known you to worry so much it keeps you awake. Is there something specific that has you so concerned?”

  “What was in that donut?” I intoned. “You sure are full of questions this morning.”

  “I’m naturally inquisitive.” She used her finger to push the black-rimmed glasses up on her nose and gave me a stern look. “And you seem to be empty of answers.”

  I wasn’t about to tell her what was really going on in my head. Hell to the no. But I had to give her something. If I didn’t, I’d never hear the end of it.

  I sipped the coffee and sat back on the stool. “She still has nightmares about him.” I couldn’t keep the harshness out of my voice. I hated just mentioning that fucking menace to society.

  Rimmel frowned and looked into her cup, like maybe the answers would just float right to the surface and tell her exactly what to say.

  Shit, I wished it were that easy.

  I had a corny as hell thought and tucked it away for later… I might need it.

  “I’ve noticed,” Rim replied softly. “She’s more subdued than her normal bubbly self. But I guess that’s not really all that recent. She’s been that way for a while.”

  “Yeah, like since Missy dragged up all the shit she’d been through and hung it out there for all to see.”

  Rimmel shook her head. “No. It’s been longer than that. Since it happened…” She cleared her throat and her gaze slid away. “You know with—”

  “Don’t say it.” I cut her off sharply. “I know.”

  The apology in her eyes was real, but I barely noticed it because guilt and a little side of self-loathing was all I had room for inside my head.

  And in my chest.

  I hadn’t been there. Ivy and I were still doing the spiteful song and dance around each other when Zach took advantage of her. Back then, the only words we ever said to each other were sarcastic and mean. At the time, I thought it was entertaining.

  But now…

  Now it made me feel like a shithead.

  If I had been willing to really look at her back then, to really accept why it was she drove me so insane, maybe this never would have happened. She wouldn’t have been at that party that night without anyone to keep an eye on her.

  He wouldn’t have had the chance to drug her and get her back to the dorm.

  I’d have killed him then. He’d be dead and Romeo’s arm never would have been broken. Rimmel wouldn’t have been strung up like a piñata, and Missy… well, she never would have gotten the chance to act like a raging bitch with a case of inflamed butt rash.

  Well, damn.

  When I thought of it all like that, it was even worse. I could have stopped all this before it even got started.

  Slight cool fingers slid around my forearm and gripped lightly. “Hey,” Rim whispered. “Where’d you go?”

  “I should’ve been there.” The regret fell out of my mouth before I could shut it down.

  “Braeden,” Rimmel admonished and slid her hand down my arm to link our hands. “What happened between them was no one’s fault. It was a mistake. What would you have done, burst into our room and stopped them? You and Ivy weren’t even together then.”

  She thought I was just jealous. She thought I just didn’t like the idea of my girl with someone else.

  God, I wish it were that easy.

  I nodde
d, like her words were true and made me feel better.

  What was really going on inside me, the conscience-eating virus that was the truth that robbed me of sleep and sometimes logic, was my personal cross to bear. It was something I chose to carry, a solitary burden no one else could know.

  The thought of Ivy knowing she was raped… I was terrified of what it might do to her.

  And yeah, what it might do to us.

  “She loves you so much, Braeden. I think if Missy hadn’t betrayed her and put what happened all over the school social media, she’d be past it all by now. But knowing everyone knows…”

  “Fuck everyone,” I said vehemently.

  Rimmel squeezed my hand. “But everyone includes you.”

  I felt like I was standing in a pitch-black room and someone suddenly turned on a flashlight. I darted a look at my very smart little sis.

  She nodded knowingly.

  “I think she beats herself up so much it haunts her because she feels like she betrayed us… especially you.”

  “I don’t expect a saint,” I reasoned. “Hell, I’m no choir boy.”

  Her voice was dry. “You definitely aren’t.”

  I glowered at her, and she snorted but soon turned serious. “But you hate him. And he’s done terrible things. And the way you reacted when you found out…”

  “You mean punching out a window, shattering my phone, and calling her a slut wasn’t the best way to handle the situation?” I couldn’t even deliver the words with a sardonic twist. I grimaced and rubbed a hand over my face.

  I hadn’t even thought of things like this before. I’d only seen them from my perspective, which was angry, murderous, and closed off.

  And yeah, Ivy might be having a hard time dealing because deep down, she knew something bad happened. But on the surface, was Ivy ashamed and afraid I saw her in anything but the best light?

  I thought back to months ago when she dropped a bomb in the middle of the confrontation with Missy.

  I felt like third best…

  If I thought so low of myself, then what would everyone else think?

  Fuck.

  Just because I apologized and filled her bedroom with stars didn’t make everything okay. I might have showed Ivy how I felt about her. I might have told her I loved her… but I never told her I didn’t care she “slept” with Zach. I never told her it didn’t color the way I looked at her.

  “I didn’t mean to make you feel worse,” Rimmel said, pulling me back. “I know you love her, Braeden. Sometimes it surprises me how much.” She twisted her lips into a rueful smile.

  I growled like the jab pissed me off and tossed my arm around her shoulders and pulled her against me to rub my fist lightly over the top of her hair.

  Rimmel shrieked. “You’re gonna mess up my hair!”

  “Please, woman. We both know you haven’t even combed it.”

  She laughed, and I messed up the dark mane even more.

  “Stop!” she squealed.

  When I relented, she pulled back. Her cheeks were bright pink and her hair looked like she stuck her finger in a light socket.

  She smoothed her hands over it like that was gonna help, and I cackled.

  “Talk to her.” Her voice was emphatic and cut through my moment of teasing. “You’d be surprised how much your words can smooth things out.”

  Words. Those things gave me a bad taste in my mouth. Rimmel was right, though. I couldn’t lay it all out on the table for Ivy to see, but I could a little.

  Maybe a little was all she needed to start healing.

  For the first time in a while, I thought maybe everything was going to be okay.

  I grabbed Rim by the shoulders and yanked her against me for a hug. She was practically in my lap, but she didn’t protest. “Thanks, sis,” I said into her hair.

  “I’ve missed you too, you know,” she murmured.

  “I’m always here for you, Rim. That’s what BBFLs are for.”

  “I know. But I also know you have a lot going on right now.”

  I pulled her away so I could look into her face. “I always got time for you.”

  Her lips softened and pulled into a smile.

  Some movement at the edge of my vision caused my head to swing around. Ivy was hovering in the kitchen doorway, Prada tucked against her chest.

  She was watching Rim and me. There wasn’t a spark of jealousy in her eyes. But there was something else.

  A little bit of sadness. It squeezed my chest.

  I set Rimmel back in her chair and turned all my attention toward Ivy. “Hey, baby.”

  She blinked, clearing her expression. “Morning!” she chirped.

  I stood to go to her as she bustled into the kitchen to get Giz her breakfast. The dog was dancing around at her feet, impatiently waiting.

  “Coffee and donuts,” Rim said, and Ivy grinned.

  “You know I’m all about that life.”

  The sadness in her eyes was gone, replaced with her usual happy demeanor. It made me incredibly tired.

  And no, not because I hadn’t gotten much sleep last night.

  But because there was so much between us. So many feelings. So many secrets.

  Ivy set the small pink bowl on the ground, and Prada dove in. I hooked a palm around her waist and pulled her up against my chest. “Hey,” I breathed in her ear.

  Goose bumps rose up along her arms.

  She tilted her head back and looked up at me. Her eyes were looking more green than blue this morning. “Hey.”

  “Can we talk a minute?”

  A little bit of apprehension shone on her face. “Sure.”

  Just as I was about to lead her out of the kitchen, the doorbell rang.

  Chapter Seven

  Ivy

  I heard her laughter from all the way upstairs.

  It was a distinct laughter, not because it had a notable sound quality, but because the only time Rimmel laughed that way was when she was with Braeden.

  B and Rimmel were close, a lot closer than I realized at first. I’d always known B had a soft spot for his “little sis,” and she was always more inclined to defend him when I would say rude things about him when we lived at the dorm. Still, I hadn’t really seen just how protective and even thoughtful he was with her.

  I wasn’t jealous, but perhaps I was tinged with a bit of envy.

  There was nothing between Rimmel and Braeden but the kind of feelings family had for each other. It’s not like I suspected or even worried something might happen between them when they were alone.

  It wouldn’t.

  Braeden loved me. I saw it in his eyes. I felt it in his touch. I loved him. I loved him so much sometimes it made me ache. Sometimes I walked around with a pit in my belly, this hollow place that gnawed at my insides, because just the idea—the threat—of not having him in my life was too much to fathom.

  And I didn’t know why, but the sound of Rimmel’s laughter this morning brought that feeling out in me. When I stepped into the kitchen, I saw them sitting together at the island, breakfast and mugs laid out before them. They weren’t eating. He was hugging her. His arms were wrapped around her, making her look small against his chest.

  Well, okay. Her hair didn’t look small. I seriously needed to help her with that today. I hoped she hadn’t scared anyone when she went to get donuts.

  She didn’t seem anxious to pull away. She appeared comforted by him and he by her. There was no barrier between them. It was as if I walked in on a moment when they were both completely open…

  And that’s where the envy came in.

  There was a barrier between Braeden and me. I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know why it was there. But I felt it.

  It wasn’t always present. Sometimes I could fool myself into thinking it had vanished.

  But then it would reappear and bring with it that hollow ache.

  I knew I was responsible. It amazed me how one night, one mistake could cast a cloud over everything. I sort of f
elt like I was in a constant state of anxiety, like I could never fully relax.

  Sure, there were those moments when everything inside me eased. Most of those moments came when I was in bed with Braeden and his body was covering mine.

  It wasn’t enough.

  I longed for what I saw between them. I wanted the kind of vulnerability that scared the shit out of me.

  I just didn’t know how to get there. Why was it so hard?

  When Braeden asked to talk to me, I worried maybe he saw what I was feeling. Or maybe I’d done something to make him get out of bed so early this morning.

  When the doorbell rang, I was all too eager to go answer. It was the reprieve I needed to compose myself. Composing oneself before coffee was quite the task.

  I slipped away from B and out of the kitchen fast, Prada hot on my heels. Since we’d only been living here a few months, not many people rang the doorbell. Okay, no one did.

  Except for a couple nosy neighbors who seriously just wanted a look at the newest Maryland Knight quarterback (Romeo).

  Obviously, I expected to find another middle-aged woman on the other side of the door when I flung it open.

  But it wasn’t.

  Surprise made me gasp when I saw who was standing there. Then the rush of familiarity hit me.

  He noted my shocked expression and chuckled, the sound bringing back so many memories. His dirty-blond hair was wild, probably because he always drove with his windows down, and a pair of mirrored aviators shielded eyes I knew were blue just like mine.

  “Surprise!” He spread his arms wide. The car keys in his hand dangled from one finger and made a clattering noise.

  “Drew?” I stuttered.

  “In the flesh.” He wiggled his arms, reminding me not to leave him hanging.

  I bolted out of the doorway and rushed him. His smirk turned into a full-fledged grin, displaying his seriously perfect teeth. I launched myself against him, and with an oomph, we collided, his arms closing around me like a vise.

  He gave the tightest hugs I’d ever known. Almost to the point sometimes I thought I might break. But I never did. He’d never break me.

  “What are you doing here?” Even though I screamed the words, they were barely audible against his chest.