“In some ways,” I wink at my little girl, already in kindergarten and growing up too fast, “it was a lifetime ago.”
I look down at the notes I’ve made on my phone, resting on the podium. When I was asked to come back here, I came up with a big speech, but now, it just feels all wrong. I stuff my phone in my pocket and clear my throat.
Looking over at the aging faces of the counselors still working here, I remember how I once spent my time scowling at them. I smile at Ms. Morehouse. Hell, I even give Gavin a smirk, although I’m not fully convinced he’s happy to see me.
Filling my lungs full of air, I peer out into the crowd and give my head a shake. It’s time to speak from the heart.
“Listen, I had a big plan to tell you about how well my life is going now that I’m sober. And, it’s true. I found the one woman on this earth who makes me happier to be alive just by waking up next to her in the morning. She gave me an amazing daughter who gives each day of my life meaning. I went to school and am now working in a career I love, helping veterans who suffer from addiction issues. I have all of this now, and I was really excited to share that with you. To tell you how it’s all possible, if you stay sober, if you follow your plan, and if you don’t give up.” I scan the crowd, my eyes settling on faces that could’ve been mine a decade ago. The sour looks of cynicism and doubt.
“But, you know what?” I stare out at them, remembering all too well how it felt to be in their shoes. “None of that matters to you. It’s not a promise that you’re going to leave here and find someone who makes your life whole. There’s no guarantee that you’re going to experience the joy of children, or even be forgiven by the children some of you already have.” The audience murmurs and people begin to shuffle in their seats. I look down at Holly and watch her beautiful blue eyes grow wide with surprise.
“What are you doing?” She mouths the words at me.
“Nobody is promised a beautiful future unless they put the work into the present,” I continue. “When I first walked through the doors of this building ten years ago, well sauntered in is more like it,” I chuckle, “I thought this place was a spa.” A ripple of laughter fills the room.
“Oh, come on, I know I’m not the only one who thought that. Admit it, some of you came in here with your golf clubs ready or wondering where the pool was, right?”
I see the nodding heads in the crowd. The twinkle in their eyes as they agree with me.
“Well, that was me too. I figured this was a joke and for a long time, that’s how I treated it. And guess what? I went home from here and I relapsed the first time I was met with temptation,” I hit my fist against the podium. “I messed up,” I look down into Holly’s eyes still feeling the guilt swirl up inside me all these years later for the pain I caused her that day.
Holly’s eyes are brimming with tears, and she pulls our daughter in closer to her side. I force myself to look away, to find my words, to focus.
“I may have fallen down that day, but the important thing…the life changing thing, is that I got back up. I remembered what I was taught here and I persevered. It wasn’t always easy to stay sober. There were many more tough times. Times when I was tempted. Times when I wanted nothing more than to go back to drugs and forget the pain, but I walked through it. I was forged by the fire that tried to destroy me, it made me stronger and if you don’t give up, if you take this seriously, if you do the work now, you’ll be stronger too.” I take a deep breath and look down at my wife and my baby girl.
My heart swells in my chest, “don’t focus on your failures. Celebrate your victories, no matter how small. Be grateful for the things you have, even when it’s less than what others have. Maybe you won’t have kids, maybe you don’t want to. Maybe you won’t go back to school. It doesn’t matter if you do, really. All that matters is that you don’t give up. I might not be able to promise you the same happiness that’s touched my life, but I can promise you that you’ll find your own.”
I swallow the hard lump threatening to break my voice and look down at my family. The family I never thought I’d find. The family I never thought I deserved. The family that gave me back a life worth living.
“You’ll only be able to live your best life tomorrow by putting the work in now. So, to all of you who have been sitting through tonight with sighs and eye-rolling, believe me, I was once you. I know you don’t think there’s anything out there for you. You’re wrong. Believe in yourself and, I promise you, it gets better. So much better than you can even imagine right now,” my voice cracks as Heather and Holly smile up at me.
“I love you, Daddy!” Heather cries out. The crowd collectively “ahhhs” and a few people clap.
“I love you too, honey. I love you both. So much.” I look back up at the unfamiliar faces in the crowd and nod, “Thank you for listening.” I glance over at the counselors at the side of the stage, “Thank you for giving me back my life,” I choke on the emotion in my voice. My eyes travel back down into the front row to my girls in their pastel blue dresses, “Thank you for giving me the best ten years any man could dream of.” I wipe the tear threatening to fall from my eye down my cheek and leave the podium.
The auditorium erupts in cheers and clapping, but I don’t look back. Forward is the only direction I look now, each day being brighter than the last.
Each day, a gift.
About the Author
Eddie Cleveland was born and raised on the Canadian Atlantic Coast. He spent most of his twenties having reckless adventures before going back to school for pottery and graphic arts. With his travel itch still not fully scratched, he joined the Royal Canadian Navy, serving for 12 years with multiple deployments to South America and the Middle East. He recently released from the Canadian Armed Forces to pursue his passion of writing full-time. Navy SEAL Bad Boy is his third novel. You can check out his other works below.
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