Throwing my arms wide, I caught the breeze and rode the wind. There was no barrier between the sky and me. We were one.
A shriek of pure joy escaped my lips, and I felt as light as air. If I wanted to, any second now I could float away, out of the car. The music was the only thing holding me down. The only thing anchoring my soul.
A hand reached out and caught mine. Our fingertips snagged, intertwined. I turned my head and held that hand close to my cheek. When my eyes opened, there was no surprise as I registered brown eyes. Curly brown hair.
No surprise… but no heat, either.
Ben grinned at me, and the wild music faltered, sputtered out. Only for a second, but it happened.
“Let’s take a break, babe,” he called.
I nodded. The music played on. A different song now, but one with the same driving urgency behind it. The car slowed and came to a stop. I looked down, surprised to see that we weren’t in Ben’s green Jeep, but in a red sports car instead.
The scenery around us shimmered and changed from an endless orange desert to a fifties-style silver boxcar diner. We were inside now, and I took in the kitschy decor.
Plastic-covered menus, their sides greasy and flecked with dried bits of food, sat on round red vinyl tables. The floor was covered in black-and-white-checkered linoleum with curled and peeling edges. A jukebox was on, and the song “I Only Have Eyes for You” echoed through the small room.
Ben grabbed my hand again and flipped it over, palm side up. He began to trace it, following the lines that crisscrossed there. A sense of déjà vu came over me, and my stomach tied in knots and dropped to the floor.
I jerked my hand away. I should tell him not to… not to… something. I had to tell him something.
But then he smiled at me, and all my misgivings vanished. “Want to dance?”
Of course. This was happy. This was fun.
… right?
He pulled me close, and suddenly the music was louder, completely enveloping us. I glanced around and noticed that the diner was empty. No waitresses, no staff, not even any other customers.
He steered us to a corner. Hidden from view of the register, the counter, even the kitchen, it was our own private stage. The music pushed in, crowding around us and filling my ears. My head ached at the sound of it. Over and over again, the same song played.
Ben spun me once, and I landed against the wall. Dizzy and out of breath. He came closer. “You’re so beautiful, Abbey. Have I ever told you that? I don’t know.…”
Those words sent a shiver down my spine, and I closed my eyes. Was this the feeling I’d been waiting for? His feet nudged mine as he slid one leg closer. I pressed my back to the wall and arched my spine. I don’t know why I did it, but it felt good… right.
He accepted my wordless invitation and came up flush against me. I blushed when I looked down and realized I was straddling his leg.
I started to move away, pull back.…
“Don’t,” he whispered, catching both of my hands, pinning them to the wall on either side of me. “Stay.…”
I was helpless in his grip. I didn’t feel trapped, yet he was holding me in place. Bending down, he started kissing my neck, and my knees went limp.
“Abbey, Abbey… ,” he said.
The music flared and then died down to a low buzz. It was like it was playing directly on a soundtrack inside my brain. Again and again the loop repeated: “I only have eyes… for you… for you… for you…”
His murmurs bled together, and I closed my eyes again, feeling the beat of my heart thumping in tune with his words. “Abbey… Abbey… Abbey…
“Astrid.”
My eyes flew open, and I held desperately still. What did he say? What did he just call me?
Ben must have felt my body go rigid, because he raised his head too.
“What did you…”—I licked lips gone instantly dry—“say?”
“Abbey,” he replied, clearly puzzled. “I called you Abbey.”
I held his gaze and searched his eyes, looking for something… anything.
He smiled at me again and leaned in until his lips were just a fraction of an inch away from mine. “Do you prefer Goddess? Light of my life? All that I desire? I’ll gladly name you any of those things.”
That shiver came back again. This was what I wanted. This was real, and I wanted it.… Him.
I slid my hands out from underneath his and wrapped them around his neck.
“I like Goddess,” I whispered back.
He grinned, a very sexy grin. “Goddess it is.” And then his eyes changed to green.
I slammed back against the wall, wrenching myself away from him. Horror clawed its way up from the pit of my stomach and lodged in my throat.
Brown eyes gazed at me in concern.
“Abbey, what’s—”
“Why did you do that?!” I screeched.
“Do what?” he asked.
Change your eyes to green! my mind screamed. You changed your eyes! But I couldn’t force the words past the lump in my throat.
I took in every square inch of his face. It was his face. Not Caspian’s. It was just me and Ben. Here. Together. Didn’t I want this? This was normal. I was being normal.
I took a step closer and threw my arms around him again. “Forget it,” I whispered in his ear. “Bad memory. Now, where were we?”
He turned his head and our lips met. I pushed away the feeling that I was doing something wrong. Reaching up, I threaded my fingers through his hair. But instead of curly, his hair was long and smooth.
It flashed in and out before me. Changing from dark brown to that shocking, shocking pale blond. I moaned from the confusion and frustration of it all, and Ben moaned too. Then deepened the kiss.
I was frozen in place when his eyes changed again. Green eyes, blond hair. A strand of black appeared, and my stomach dipped. My blood pressure soared. I was hot and achy and feverish. Caspian. He was what I wanted.
I lost control. Only for a second, but I wanted to feel him. To taste him.
I crushed my mouth to his and teased the edge of his lips with my tongue. Instantly, he granted me entry, and the back of my brain exploded from the pleasure. There was no mistaking it. This was the reprieve I sought so desperately.
My eyes fluttered open and shut while Caspian weaved in and out of existence.
Brown eyes, brown hair.
Ben…
Green eyes. Blond hair.
Caspian…
Green… brown…
I caught myself. Was this wrong? To use Ben this way? Yes. I knew the answer to that question was a thousand times yes.
Tearing myself away, this time for good, I stepped out of his arms and away from the wall. “I can’t… I’m sorry.” And then I was running.
Out of the diner, out to the car. I jumped in the passenger seat and put my head between my knees.
I was going crazy… again.
Ben came bursting out of the diner and called my name. I raised my head and lifted a hand—whether to call him over or warn him to stay away, I didn’t know. But suddenly the car roared to life.
Caspian was sitting in the driver’s seat.
I did a double take to make sure it wasn’t really Ben doing that weird flashing again, but Ben was still by the diner. We peeled out of the gravel driveway, spitting stones as we went, and I noticed that my hand was still up. Now it was catching the wind again.…
“What’s happening?” I choked out. My throat was dry and scratchy. “Why is this happening to me?”
Caspian didn’t answer; instead he turned on the radio. A violin wept in sadness. “Don’t you know, my love?” a female voice crooned, soft and full of emotion. “Would you die, my love? I am waiting, waiting for you. These ashes turned bone. Waiting, waiting for you. Waiting… waiting for you.”
As the violin echoed the singer’s dying last words, Caspian turned his gaze to mine and looked straight into my eyes. “I’m waiting, waiting for you.”
<
br /> ˜ ˜ ˜
I sat up straight, chest heaving, breath sawing in and out of me. Shoving heavy fistfuls of damp hair away from my face, I tried to slow everything down. My pulse was raging and it felt like I had a fever. And then I had a crazy thought.
I swung my legs out of bed, walked to the bathroom, and switched on the light. Of course my hair wasn’t windblown. My lips weren’t bruised and looking like they’d just been kissed.
But my eyes were wide, and my cheeks were pale. I pinched some color into them and leaned over the sink, replaying that crazy dream.
Was I having another breakdown? Or was my subconscious trying to tell me something?
I stood there a minute longer and then went back to the bedroom. But one glance at my rumpled sheets and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep again anytime soon. My foot bumped the necklace on the floor, but I gave it a sharp kick under the bed. As far as I was concerned, it didn’t exist.
I turned on my desk light and moved over to my new perfume cabinet. Reaching into the desk drawer, I pulled out a pen, a pair of scissors, and some unused paper that looked like old parchment. Then I opened my supply briefcase. Starting with the bottom row first, I made a label for each tiny bottle so that it would have its own drawer in the cabinet.
As I copied the names, the haunting melody of a violin echoed in my ears, and I started thinking about the sample notes of a perfume to match it.
Lavender. Honeysuckle. Jasmine. Wild violets. Something with just a hint of longing and heartbreak. Old roses left on a lover’s grave. A wilted carnation pressed between the pages of a prom program. Forgotten baby’s breath hastily discarded along with the bouquet’s green wax paper…
Jotting down possible formulations on a piece of the parchment paper, I came up with the perfect name for this new fragrance. I’d call it Ashes Turned Bone.
Later that morning I filled my cereal bowl and drank down a large glass of juice along with a cup of tea. I hadn’t been back to bed since the dream, but I felt oddly exhilarated in spite of my exhaustion. My fingers were itching to get back to my perfumes upstairs.
Mom entered the kitchen and made a pit stop at the coffeemaker before sitting down next to me. “Hungry?”
I smiled at her. “Working on a new perfume.”
She smiled back, a genuinely happy smile, and I could see the relief in her eyes that I was working with my perfumes again. “What’s the inspiration?”
Ashes, bones, haunting music, lost love. Probably not the answer she was looking for. “Violins.” I bit into a piece of toast and crunched loudly.
“Ooh, I get it. Strings, old wood, and furniture polish?”
“Right.” Hmmm… Actually, now that I thought about it, that wasn’t a bad combo. I should make that one too.
“Oh, hey, guess what,” I said, suddenly remembering my recent conversation with Mr. Knickerbocker. “You know how I had to drop my books back off at school?”
Mom nodded.
“I talked to Mr. Knickerbocker while I was there about what I could do to help improve my chem grade.”
Now she looked intrigued.
“My friend Ben, the one who was my science-fair partner and is supersmart, offered to tutor me. Then I’m going to take a test at the end of summer, and that will help average out my numbers.” I left out the whole by-the-way-my-entire-year’s-grade-is-riding-on-the-test thing.
“So it’s going to be just you and Ben?” Mom asked. “Where is this tutoring going to be taking place?”
I hadn’t thought about that. “Um, I guess here? That would probably be the easiest.”
Her face turned disapproving. “And how often?”
“A couple of times a week?” I thought she’d be happy about this, but she was looking decidedly unhappy. Time to do some damage control. “It was really sweet of Ben to say that he’ll tutor me. He already has a job at the Horseman’s Haunt, plus he’s going to be helping out his dad with some farm stuff.”
She looked impressed. “He was a very polite young man when your father and I met him.” Then she nodded. “And you’re almost seventeen. It’s hardly like you’d need a babysitter.”
I smiled to myself. I was good.
Chapter Six
CHNOPS AND SHOPS
He was a kind and thankful creature… whose spirits rose with eating…
—“The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”
W hen Ben came over three days later for our first science session, his arms were loaded down with papers. He greeted me and entered the living room.
“Hey… Ben,” I said. Unfortunately, all the steamiest parts of my recent dream chose that moment to come flooding back in excruciating detail, and my face flamed.
“Ready to get started?” he asked.
It was just a dream, just a stupid dream. “Yeah, sure. What’s all that?”
He glanced down. “I brought some of my old notes so you could look them over.” Dropping the stack onto the floor, he took a seat and held up one finger in a dead-on imitation of Mr. Knickerbocker. “It’s science time. Have a seat, Miss Browning.”
I rolled my eyes but did as he instructed. Snaking one hand forward, I picked up a composition book he had lying on top of the pile. The inside pages were covered with his handwriting. I groaned. “Do we have to cover all of this?”
“Yes. It’s divided into different sections.” He took the book from my hands and started reading from it. “Acids and their base chemistry, the elements, basic atomic structure, quantum theory, CHNOPS…”
“CHNOPS? What’s that?”
“The six elements that make up all living matter. Carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus, and sulfur. CHNOPS is an acronym.”
I buried my face in my hands. He was speaking Greek. “Why can’t we just do something simple, like making a LEGO replica of the solar system or something? God, I hate chemistry.”
Ben grinned and started to do that excited-jumpy thing he’d done once before in the library when we were researching projects for the science fair. “You know, in sixth grade I made one of those out of meatballs. It was great. The entire solar system was edible.”
The look on Ben’s face was so ridiculous that I had to laugh. He was very pleased with himself.
“Why does that not surprise me?” I got up. “Before we get started, I want to show you something. Come here.”
He followed me to the kitchen. “Think of it as my way of paying you back.” Throwing open one of the cabinets above the sink, I revealed that it was stuffed with Doritos, cheese curls, pretzels, microwave popcorn, and a dozen other snacks. “Behold, the Ben Cabinet.”
His eyes grew huge. “I think I love you. Are those Funyuns?” He pulled out a yellow-and-green bag. “These are the snack food of the gods.”
“They’re all yours. I hate Funyuns.”
We moved back into the living room and took a seat on the floor next to the papers. Ben placed the bag of Funyuns between us and ripped them open. He scooped up a handful and started to crunch.
“I wish Kristen was here,” I said. “She was so much better at science than me.”
Ben stopped eating and looked over. I thought for a moment he was going to say something about how he missed Kristen too, but then he said, “Do you remember when we had that debate over evolution versus creationism in biology? You were in that class with me and Kristen, right?”
Of course I remembered that day. I couldn’t forget it. Two buttons on the top of my shirt had popped off right when I was getting ready to argue my side of the debate. Luckily, thanks to Kristen standing in front of me and literally covering for me, no one else saw it.
“Yeah, I was,” I said. “Kristen was amazing. I’ve never seen anyone think so fast on their feet.”
“She was really good at that,” he added. “When she was switched to my team and only had like five minutes to prepare, she had a list of points already made. Even though she was supposed to be debating against creationism, she’d made arguments for both s
ides.”
I smiled at him. “That was Kris. Always prepared.”
“Did she ever tell you that the only reason I got so many points was because she let me have most of the arguments on her list?”
“No.” Even I could hear the surprise in my voice. “She never told me that.”
“Yup. She said that since I was the captain, her answers were there to benefit the entire team, and I was the one ‘leading the boat.’ I’ll never forget that phrase. I always thought it was funny. ‘Leading the boat’…”
His eyes took on a faraway look. “After that, I knew she wasn’t just some airhead who relied on her looks, or copying someone else’s homework the morning of class, to get by. She really took it seriously, you know?”
I looked down at the floor and tugged on a loose carpet fiber. I’d been guilty of copying Kristen’s homework in homeroom on more than one occasion.
“And when she finally did make an argument,” he continued on, “man, it just blew me away. She said something about how it came down to faith versus science, and even scientists had to have faith every now and then.”
I smiled and we sat there in silence for a while. Finally, Ben cleared his throat. “Okay, let’s actually get started sometime today.”
I nodded and then we got to work.
The next time Ben came over we spent two hours diagramming atoms and protons and neutrons, and it felt like my brain was going to start melting.
“I can’t do this,” I said.
“Want to take a break?”
“Yes,” I replied eagerly. “Let’s get out of the house.”
We left everything where it was and headed in the general direction of downtown. I steered him toward the end of the block, where my storefront was waiting, and we passed an antique store along the way.
Ben glanced over at the window and then turned to me. “If you ever go in there, do not buy the giant blue urn near the back.”
“Okay. Although I’m not planning on buying an urn anytime soon.… Why not?”
“Because I went in there once with my mom, and I had just eaten this chili corn dog from the street fair. It must have been undercooked, or it was the heat, or something…”
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