by Vivien Vale
Yes, at least I've got her coming out of the house a little bit. Seeing her will take the edge off my inner torment. Maybe I can sort through these opposing feelings.
Now I just have to figure out exactly what I'm gonna say to her.
Allie
I haven't left my house for several days and if it was up to me I would never leave. I've given myself over to the fact that I either need to be a hermit in this town or I need to move.
The problem with the video going viral is that even if I move, people will know me there too. This is the worst thing that could've ever happened to me. I've become a meme and tons of people are making fun of me. Not only is it ruining my life, but it will forever ruin my career.
Just when I thought things were gonna start looking up, this had to happen. I thought I was gonna start booking shoots with my new agent and that everything would be fine. Now I feel like life cannot be more bleak.
My agent did me wrong. I fully blame him and at this point, and I'm kind of missing the days of working with Cheri. She might've been a slimeball but at least she wouldn't have set me up for an STD video shoot.
Who is this guy Harry anyway? I find myself thinking that I'm a little bit too naïve. Here I am in NYC all by myself trying to forge ahead in one of the most demanding and competitive careers in the world. And now I have been beaten.
And to top it all off I don't have proper representation moving forward. I trusted Xavier when he moved me away from Cheri.
Xavier seems so domineering and like he has his life in control. I guess I was hoping he would put my life in control too. This is just another example of how I leaned on him too much when I should've kept my guard up.
Ultimately, I've learned that I can only rely on myself. I can't trust anybody to do anything for me. I need to do my research on agents and all future jobs. Of course, that is if I even book any future jobs.
At this point, I can't imagine a single casting director taking me seriously. This video has exploded over the Internet. It's not some little thing that everyone's ignoring. It's made a firestorm and I don't know how all of that has happened so quickly.
Xavier's texting me and asks me to meet him for coffee. I don't want to go at all. And I don't know why I even agreed.
In the end, he's still so hard to say no to. Even though I'm upset with him I'm not one hundred percent sure that he was behind this awful shoot. And I can't place blame where blame doesn't belong. I will have words with him, though, about how I got into this mess. I need to see if he was behind it at all.
He's a bad boy for sure. And he's a player. At this point, I don't expect to ever be his girlfriend. But I don't think he is capable of malintent. Underneath it all, he must have a good heart.
This terrible shoot must've had nothing to do with him. At this point, I'm just blaming my agent Harry.
I drag myself out of bed and away from the TV where I've been binge-watching Netflix. My apartment's a mess, with takeout food everywhere and bottles of wine.
Lindsay's been a true friend and she's brought me in all the groceries and everything I need so that I don't have to show my face around town. I'm just not ready for that yet.
If anyone walked in on me now it would certainly look as though I don't have my life together. And that's how I feel inside so I guess this apartment is just a reflection of that.
I take a shower and try to pull myself together. I am about to see Xavier, after all. He's so hot and I don't want to disappoint him by looking like a slob.
I pull on some jeans and a tank top and then I wrap my hair in a scarf and put on some huge oversized sunglasses to disguise my face as much as possible.
I've even considered dying my hair a dark shade of brown so that I will be further unrecognizable. But for now it's still blonde and that will still draw attention to me.
I duck into a cab quickly and so as not to be noticed. The driver takes me to the coffee shop which I see is right next to Hard Pressed . How convenient that is for Xavier.
A nice guy and a true boyfriend would've come to me. Instead, he dragged me all the way downtown to a spot that was convenient for him.
Maybe he's concerned and trying to get me out of the house. I don't know but I'm about to find out.
I arrive at the coffee shop and get out, trying to hide my face the whole time.
There are a few snickers and I realize my disguise may not be the best. At the counter, I order my latte. The person working stares at me like she's seen me someplace before, even though the large glasses are covering half my face.
"Hey," she says. "Are you that girl from the video?"
I feel my cheeks flush a burning red.
I say, "What video?"
And then I scurry to a table all the way at the back corner. This is worse than I thought. People can recognize me even with the so-called disguise on. I never should've come out.
I'm hiding in the back and then I see him walk in. Every time I see him my heart skips a beat and my stomach drops a little. He makes me feel nervous and yet it's a delightful kind of nervous feeling.
I’m so attracted to him. I feel like it’s because he has this aura of authority and power. Plus, he's pure muscle.
As much as I want to hate Xavier and blame him for this I just can't. He's so fucking gorgeous.
He looks around and sees me in the back.
"Hiding in the back, are we?" he asks, smiling.
"What else am I supposed to do?" I say. "Even the people here recognize me."
He sits down and the waitress comes over to take his order. She's staring at me and trying to suppress laughter I can tell. It's so humiliating.
"Allie, I'm glad you're here. It took bravery to come out like this."
"Yeah, well, I have a bone to pick with you anyways," I say. "You're the one who set me up with that agent Harry. And he's the one that booked me for that video without telling me what it was about. I don't know who to blame, you or him."
He looks at me thoughtfully like he has something on his mind that he wants to say.
"No, Allie, I had nothing to do with it. I'm sorry for setting you up with that guy Harry, but he really seemed to have your best interest in mind. Maybe he thought this video will give you exposure," he says as his coffee is delivered.
"Exposure? I got exposure all right. A little too much of it. Don't you see that my career is over?" I say angrily at him.
He flicks a pack of sugar and pours it into his coffee while saying, "Over? Now that's a little dramatic, isn't it? I don't think it's a career-ending move to have a public safety video out with your name on it."
Why is he trying to spin it like this? He's obviously seen the video and was probably laughing at it himself. It's nothing like a public health video. It's just a humiliating interview where it looks like I have an STD.
I take off my glasses and stare into his face. He looks back at me intently and again there is that electrifying connection between us. It's something that can't be denied. I've never felt this way with any other guy.
"I do want to say, Xavier, that I'm sorry about how drunk I got the other night. I never meant to let it get that out of hand."
He smiles at me. "Were you drunk? I didn't even notice."
He's lying, of course. He knew how trashed I was.
"Well, I'm also sorry that I snuck out of your place before you woke up in the morning."
"Yeah, I noticed that," he says. "Are you a runner?"
What could he mean a runner?
"A runner?"
"Yeah, someone who runs away from commitment. You like to escape," he says.
Well, that's fresh coming from him. He's a playboy and he knows it, so I don't know why he's calling me out. A least I had the decency to apologize.
"I am not a runner. I just like to sleep in my own bed is all," I say.
"Okay, if that's what you want to believe." He's fucking teasing me now.
I can't believe he's even questioning me when he is so obviously the prob
lem in this situation. He brought another woman on our last date for fuck’s sake. He couldn't have made it any clearer that he's not ready for a relationship.
"You're the one running from love," I say. "I mean you brought that girl Olivia to the club the other night. You certainly made it evident that you don't want to start something real."
He looks at me deeply, in that way that causes that nervous tension I’m becoming familiar with. What is it about this guy that has me so captivated?
I mean sure, he's tall and gorgeous and obviously wealthy, but there's something more there. There's something in him that I just can't put my finger on.
I attribute it to his overpowering nature. That must be what I'm infatuated with. We continue our coffee date and I'm actually feeling better about having left the house.
No matter how much I want to be angry with him, I just can’t. And that’s when I realize that as much as I tried to guard my heart, it’s too late.
I’ve fallen for Xavier.
Xavier
We’re in the café, my favorite haunt in NYC. The exposed brick and ancient beams give this place a rustic quality that I will never tire of. There are quite a few patrons here but Allie’s tucked nicely in the back corner of our table so it’s doubtful anyone recognizes her besides the staff.
"So tell me, Allie, what is your biggest regret in life?" I ask over our coffee.
She thinks about my question for a while.
“There's only one regret that stands out to me. And it has to do with this guy Stanley I knew in high school.”
"Oh really?" Suddenly I'm way more interested. Where is this coming from?
"Well, you might find this story boring, but it has to do with how I lost my virginity."
"Go on." My eyes dance as I think back to the moment.
It was special for me too, considering I was the guy she lost it to. Well, the guy I thought she lost it to. After what happened after, I knew the truth.
My level of fucking has gone up about a million times since then, but she was still my first.
Too bad she doesn't realize it was me, otherwise she could've been Mrs. Armstrong and her life wouldn't be in shambles right now.
"The truth is," she says. "I was really hurt in high school by this one guy, and more than that, this one girl who was supposed to be my best friend."
I find I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, anxious to hear her side of the story.
"So, there was this guy, his name was Stanley. He was kind of a nerd, but I always felt something for him. He was so smart, and that attracted me to him a lot. I knew that he would make something of himself in life."
I look at her intently, knowing full well that she's describing me. Is that really how she saw me back then?
She continues, "So I was a cheerleader and I was friends with this girl on the squad named Becky. I didn't realize until later that she was incredibly jealous of me and she had it out for me. Anyway, back to Stanley. He and I had a date scheduled and I relied on Becky my friend to tell him where it was. But I found out later she told him the wrong place, so he thought I stood him up."
I'm all ears now because I remember Becky, but I didn't know she meddled in our situation. This is news to me. I thought Allie stood me up that night of our first date. And I’ve been operating on that presumption. That's why I stood her up the other day at Blackwell's.
If this is true, then suddenly things are looking very bad for me. Even worse than they already do.
"So, the thing is," she says. "Stanley and I, well, we had a connection. We ended up losing our virginity to each other despite missing the first date. It was a high school thing and it was one magical night. I felt as connected to him as I have ever to another human being."
Oh my fucking God. What she's describing is exactly how I felt that first night with her. I knew we had a connection. I felt it then like I feel it now.
Even more, she’s telling me she did lose her virginity to me, something I didn’t believe after the fact. And this changes everything.
"But after that night," she says, "he left school suddenly and I didn't see him for a while. I found out that my so-called friend Becky had told him I had an STD. Seems relevant to my life right now doesn't it?"
Fuck. She doesn't sense the connection. I purposely put her in the STD commercial out of spite for what she did to me. Becky told me that Allie had an STD and didn't tell me. Made me believe she’d lied about me being he first. Lied about everything.
This is all so wrong.
"Anyway, Becky told Stanley that I had an STD and that I didn't tell him before we had sex. I think he was really mad at me and I think that's why he left school. He thought I gave him an STD. I was so devastated because I really cared about this guy. I gave him my virginity after all."
There it is again. She really was a virgin. She wasn’t sleeping around. Everything I thought I knew is all wrong.
"So, what happened?" I try to act the part of the new guy just trying to understand.
"Wow, you seem really interested in the story," she says to me.
"Well, I just want to learn more about you," I say. "Tell me how it ends."
"Okay, well, Becky told me that Stanley had moved on. She said he was dating someone else. In my own grief at losing Stanley, I decided to try to get back at him in case I ever saw him again. I didn't know why he left me. I didn't know that Becky had told him I had an STD. So, the quarterback of the football team asked me out and I said yes. We went to prom together and Stanley was there. I flaunted my love for this football player in front of him.
“I didn't want Stanley to know that he hurt me so much by abandoning me. Remember, I had no idea Becky had been working behind the scenes to ruin me. And ruin me she did. Because after that, I never saw Stanley again. But I never stopped caring about him either. So, I guess you can say that's my biggest regret."
I have nothing to say. I'm just silent. Now it all makes perfect sense. I remember Becky. She was the go-between with Allie and me. And she really destroyed everything we had and everything we could have been. I had no idea I shouldn’t trust her. And it sounds like Allie didn't know either.
I am just astonished that one girl, this Becky, could have such an evil heart as to ruin lives.
Her actions devastated me. And this entire time I had no idea that Allie was hurting too.
So I've been operating entirely out of false assumptions. Suddenly my need to protect Allie is at the forefront of my mind.
The walls come down and I allow myself to care for her at last. I've been suppressing it all these years, but she really is the person for me. There’s no denying it any longer. It’s always been her.
And me? I've dismantled her entire life. Because of my actions, she may be out of work for a lifetime. She may never come to realize her full potential.
"Allie, I'm so sorry," I say, but the message is veiled. "I'm sorry that happened to you."
Really, I'm sorry for what I've done.
"I want you to be happy and to forget about the past," I say to her, wracking my brain for a way to fix all this.
Tears form in her eyes.
"Thanks, Xavier, that means a lot." She wipes the tears away and says, "I don't know why I'm crying. It's silly, really. I mean, it was so long ago. He probably doesn't even remember my name. I just wish that girl hadn't come between us. I guess you could say that I have a hard time trusting female friends now."
My heart breaks for her and for myself. We were both robbed of a happy ending. I've spent years hating Allie for what I thought she did, and for what? I've wasted time being bitter. And all of that stops now.
I will not let Becky steal another moment from us. From this day forward, I will make it up to Allie.
Years of hurt and pain are coming off of me like how a snake sheds its skin. I see that I've been a player because I was too afraid of getting hurt again. I thought Allie never cared about me and I could not have been more wrong.
She's the only person
to have seen me for what I was, a geeky, awkward kid, and to love me anyway. She saw my potential when no one else did, and what did I do? I sabotaged her career as a model, possibly forever.
"Allie, it's going to be okay." I'm unsure of the words even as I say them. "We'll fix it, okay?"
She looks at me. "Why are you suddenly so interested in helping me? What's changed?"
I wish I could tell her. I want to divulge the truth right here. But I just got her back and I can't afford to jeopardize that now.
First, she needs to know that she can be safe with me. I'm done with the games, and I'm done trying to destroy and damage her. This is our new beginning.
Allie
We're getting ready to leave the coffee shop and frankly, I’m shocked by Xavier's behavior. He seemed to take a genuine interest in my story of regret over having lost Stanley.
I've never seen that side of him before. Normally he's kind of cold and crass and distant. But something about me opening up to him has led him to treat me a little more gently.
I don't know what it is about Xavier. I can't put my finger on it but there's something mysterious about him. There's something I'm just not getting.
First, he acted so concerned about helping me to get a new agent. But then the agent ended up being a not so great person. And then Xavier invited me out, but he asked Olivia to come along. I'm still scratching my head over that one. Even though the sex that night was amazing.
And now he's actually acting so nurturing and I just don't understand why. I mean everybody has a virginity story, and they're usually not that great. So I don't know why mine is so different to him.
"So, do you think we should get out of here?" he says.
I cringe at the thought of leaving my little hiding spot.
"I'm ready to go," I say. "But I'm not ready to face the world."
"Come on," he says. “I bet no one will even recognize you. Besides you're with me, what could go wrong?"
I look at him and think to myself how he's just so handsome and how I secretly want to go back to his penthouse and let things heat up.