It started off slowly. Make no mistake. Isabella hates the thought of me, and the sight even more. She makes no secret of it. However, she isn’t totally stupid either. Isabella slowly reduced the interactions Dec and I had. She worked tirelessly behind the scenes to eradicate me from his life altogether. If Dec even looks like he’s going to talk to me she jumps into his arms making kissy faces at him. Gross I know. If Dec sits with me she pushes in between us taking up residence on his lap. None too subtly I might add. In the beginning this hurt immensely. The worst part was he LET her do it. Occasionally he makes more of an attempt to continue talking, or sitting together. More often than not he lets her have her way. I can’t fathom how he’s ok with this arrangement. Dec is supposed to be my best friend, and confidante. It’s become glaringly obvious that I put too much stock in that meaning anything to him.
Declan has become less, and less a fixture in my life. He withdraws from weekends swimming, and hanging out. He comes over to study later and later. It has got to the point where we go days without talking to each other. This might come across as odd to most, that we would spend that much time together, talk so often. To me it isn’t odd, it is heartbreaking. Our friendship went from everything. Him being major part of my life that included texting during classes, and late night phone calls. To only waving at each other in the halls, as long as Isabella wasn’t around, and the occasional family dinner that we are both mandated to attend. Dec even stopped coming around the club as much.
Dec loves the club. His intention was to Prospect as soon as he graduated. For all I know this too has probably changed. I didn’t think anything would have the power to limit the time he spent there, and his plan for the future. Clearly I’m wrong about that too. Chalk it up, and add another tally on the list of things I thought I knew, but have since been corrected on. The list seem to be growing daily. I try to talk to him about it, I really do. I stop and start so many texts to him. I hang up the phone after I dialled, but before he answers hundreds of times. I just can’t work out how to say something without coming across as jealous and needy. To a point I probably am. Isn’t that a charming thought? I need my friend though. I’m jealous of the time Isabella spends with him only because that means he isn’t even able to spare ten minutes for me anymore.
I love Declan. I always have. He is special to me in a way no one else is, or probably ever will be. He’s also one of the most important fixtures in my life. It’s become clearer, and clearer that he and I are growing apart. Not in a way that’s caused by differing paths. Our geographical location, or because our similar ideals have changed. No. We’re growing apart because a wedge is being jammed between us. It’s being done in a way that’s painful, and heart wrenching at the same time. Dec and I have never been more than friends. Neither of us wanted any more than we have. What we have WAS enough for us. Obviously it isn’t anymore. Now I’m just as easily discarded as last nights’ take-out. Just because we’ve never ventured into the intimate side of a relationship doesn’t change the fact that I’m irrevocably, madly in love with my best friend. I don’t know when it changed into romantic love for me. I can’t pin point an exact time for you. I just know I am, and I probably always have been.
About a month ago these ping, ping, ping noises started. Only after eleven at night however. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that is the only time Dec can see me free of Isabella’s whiny demands. Most of the times he visits we just sit on the grass under my window. Of course this is after I climb down the trellis attached to the back of the house risking life, and limb to spend less than half an hour with him a few days a week. I’m an idiot aren’t I?
We lay in the grass staring at the stars. It’s these times I feel like our friendship is back to normal again. He makes me laugh telling me about football practice, and the funny things his dad said this week. We talk about what he ate today, simple stuff, nothing of much consequence, but it reminds me of the thousands of days we’ve had the same kind of conversations. It eases something inside that we are still at heart the same people. We never talk about Isabella. I’m more than good with that. I tell him about my latest art work. Talk to him about apprenticing with Uncle Max after graduating. Being something I’ve wanted for 2 years now I’m sure Dec is sick of hearing about it, but he never says a word. We laugh about the guys at the club, and the latest fight Uncle Dagger got into with a club whore in the courtyard.
Everything is good on these nights. If that’s all I can have of him I’ll take it. It might sound desperate, but taking Dec any way I can have him is important to me. Our friendship is so integral to me that most people will struggle to comprehend it. What I don’t know. What I couldn’t have known is that Dec has a secret. A secret that will change my life. A secret that I will soon find the consequences of, burning me. It will engulf my world.
Little did I know tonight is the night that will happen too. I should have trusted my gut. I should never have opened the window. I should never have climbed down the trellis, and I should never, never have listened to what Dec has to say If I hadn’t done any of these things I would never have been burnt.
Ping. Ping. Ping.
Shuffling to the window quietly, so my parents don’t wake from down the hall I lift the sash window, and shush him.
“Shhh, Dec. I’ll be down in a second. Slow your roll.”
It’s warm out, so there’s no point bothering to get changed. Dressed in my pyjama shorts, and baby pink tank I climb out through the window and hoof it down the trellis. I take care to make sure my feet are firmly planted in the well-worn footholds I’ve made over the last month. The last thing I need is to fall, and my parents find out I’ve been using my window as an escape hatch. Hitting the ground with a soft thud, I walk over and plop down on the grass under the tree Dec is leaned up against. His head is reclined against the trunk and his eyes closed. I know he’s not asleep, but to anyone else he would appear out like a light.
In the moonlight I can only see the beautiful boy who was my best friend. He hasn’t shaved for a couple of days if the light scruff on his face is anything to go by. His piercing grey eyes are shuttered by his eyelids, and barricaded by the thick black lashes that fan his cheeks. Dec’s already tall standing six foot two at least with probably another inch or two to go until he’s at his full height. He carries 200 pounds of pure muscle around on his frame that’s honed by years of baseball, football, and carrying kegs for the MC’s bar Rough Shod on weekends. He has twin dimples in his cheeks that I’ve always loved, and his smile. His smile makes my heart warm. No one can resist returning one of his smiles. They are infectious. What makes me love Dec the most is his heart. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know. Every time I need someone to turn to. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to listen to me Dec was there. He gives the best advice, and has always been my rock. Until recently that is. Recently when he has been almost non-existent.
Tonight though. Tonight he looks almost pained. His jaw is tight that usually only happens when he’s angry, or hurt. His eyes are scrunched closed causing tiny lines to fan out from them. His hands are in fists making his knuckles white. Dec is the picture of pain at the moment. Placing my tiny hand over his huge one I turn so that I’m sitting Indian style facing him.
“What’s wrong Dec? Are you hurt?” I’m scared. I can admit it. I’m scared for my friend. The possibility he’s in pain. If he’s hurting, you can be assured that will hurt me even more.
He takes his hand from underneath mine, and places in on his lap. That’s a first. We may not be a couple, but Dec is usually very demonstrative with his affection toward me. Whether it be hugs, holding my hand, kissing the top of my head, he is sure to make physical contact with me a lot of the time. His long denim clad legs are stretched in front of him crossed at the ankles, but he doesn’t look any more relaxed now that I’m here.
Finally he opens his eyes and turns his head. Oh God! What’s wrong? My head screams at me that something about this isn’t right. My heart cl
enches in my chest painfully beating out a rapid rhythm. I’m sure it will run away if it wasn’t encased firmly behind walls of muscle and bone.
“Kendall.” One word. One word breathed out with such sadness and sorrow it is more of a feeling than speech. “Kenny we have talk.” There’s nothing to say, so I just nod my head. I can tell whatever he has to say is hurting him somehow. I just want him to spit it out. “Jesus Kenny. I don’t know how to say this.”
Shaking my head, and looking at him seriously I tell him,
“You can tell me anything Dec. You know that.”
He looks at me and captures my eyes with his.
“Shit Kenny. I never thought I’d have to do this. You have to listen to me though. You have to listen, and promise that when I’m done you’ll let me get up and walk away. You have to promise or I can’t tell you.”
Breathing deeply trying to calm myself I promise him. What else can I do?
“I promise I’ll listen Dec. I promise.”
“And walk away Kenny. You have to promise that too.” What can I say? He’s not going to give in until I relent.
“I promise to listen and then let you leave Dec. Tell me what’s wrong. You’re scaring me.”
His chest is heaving and his breath is coming out in near pants when he says,
“We can’t be friends anymore Kenny.”
I jump up and almost screech,
“WHAT?”
Grabbing my hand tugging me down to the grass he hisses,
“Shhh. Fuck Kenny. You promised you’d listen. Shut up, or your dad will be out, and he’ll fucking shoot first look later.” Shaking my head rapidly, I chant in my head, no, no, no, this can’t be happening. I knew I should never have answered the call of tiny shards of rock hitting my window. I will never ever deny my instincts again. Closing his eyes tightly Dec can’t even look at me when he speaks next. “We can’t be friends any more. It’s causing me too much shit. Look. Isabella needs me at the minute, and I have to be there for her. You’re taking up too much of my time, and I can’t be worryin, and fussin over you when she has to be my top priority.”
What. The. Actual. Hell? Am I hearing him right? Taking too much of his time? Holy shit! The boy is crazy.
“Dec seriously?” I question with venom dripping from my voice. “Take too much of your time? I barely see you. We never talk anymore. You haven’t even told me if you’re coming to my party on Saturday. Where is this coming from? If Isabella put you up to thi…”
He cuts me off with a growl,
“She didn’t fucking put me up to this Kenny. Shut the fuck up about her. You’re always bitchin and whinging about her. Have you ever stopped to think she’s not the problem maybe you are?”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back the truck up a minute. Me the problem? I don’t think so buddy. There are a lot of things I will admit about myself, but that? That is NOT one of them.
“You did NOT just say that to me? Declan Abraham Marks, you take it back. Take it back this instant.” At the sound of his full name it triggers something in Dec. Something I’ve never seen before. Rage. Pure unadulterated rage.
Standing abruptly almost knocking me down Dec practically seethes at me.
“Shut the fuck up Kendall. You’re always fucking mouthin off. You never know when to shut your trap. Fuck!” Pacing in front of me he begins to light the flame. “This is why we can’t be friends any more. You and your fucking mouth. I came here to let you down gentle. Tell you we can’t hang anymore and all you can do is bitch at me.” Almost under his breath he adds, “Should have fucking listened. She told me this would happen.”
The embers are glowing, and the flame is about to engulf.
“Things are fucking changin Kendall. I’m prospecting as soon as we finish school. I need someone to stand with me. Not bitch like a little girl. Whining that she doesn’t have enough of me. I can’t have that shit, and I don’t want it. I’ve found myself someone who knows the score, and is okay with it. A girl tough enough to take the hits, and keep comin. Not a little kid like you that won’t even put out.” I inhale sharply. The back of my eyes burn, and my throat constricts barely letting me draw a full breath. I won’t cry though. I won’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry.
Then my fire is set ablaze.
“I can’t take it anymore Kendall. I’ve got someone more important in my life now. Someone that takes it all. Takes the hits. Takes my cock. That takes my moods no matter whether they are good or bad. I don’t need anyone else. She does ALL of that for me. Having you around upsetting her makin her feel shit for being with me givin me what I need isn’t going to work.” They come this time, and I can’t stop them. There’s nothing I can do to hold them back. Tears fall unchecked down my cheeks. I know he can see them. I know he can hear my sniffles. For a second it looks like he’s going to be my Dec, and comfort me. A look full of sadness, compassion, and pain crosses his face. As fast as it comes it goes just as quickly. He slams down the shutters on his emotions closing himself off completely.
This is when my world is burnt to ashes. Turning to walk away he can’t resist one last parting shot.
“This is all on you Kendall. If you hadn’t been up in my business, needy, demandin my time, my attention, and runnin your mouth it wouldn’t have had to be like this.” Taking two steps further away, and looking over his shoulder he obliterates me. Completely and utterly. “When you look in the mirror I hope you’re happy. I hope you see what I do. I spoilt selfish little girl that needs everyone to do everything for HER. A girl that does nothing for anyone else. It’s always all been about you Kendall. Well, not this fucking time. She’s ten times the woman you are. You’ll never be anything, but that scared lonely little girl cryin in the fucking grass.”
Watching him walk away, and not cry out to him. Make him stop. Make him come back takes all of my self-restraint. Not to scream and apologise to him. Say I’m sorry for being selfish and demanding burns me. My chest feels hollow. My eyes are stinging from the rivers of tears. My stomach is cramping hard, and the sobs wrenched from my throat feel like shards of glass tearing at it from the inside. My whole body feels raw and abused. For that matter so does my heart.
Pulling my legs to my chest and wrapping my arms around them I rock. Slowly, methodically, I try to give myself any type of comfort I can. It’s not working, so I drop my heads to my knees and sob. I sob for myself. What I’ve lost, and what I’ll never have. I cry for Declan. For hurting him, and making him mad. I weep for my future. The future I hoped would include my best friend. The man I love without boundaries. The man I love without reason. It doesn’t matter that he has broken me. It doesn’t matter we live in the same town, go to the same school, that our fathers’ are best friends so we’ll see each other all the time. I won’t be able to avoid him, but that doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. Without Declan I AM alone. I AM frightened. I AM exactly what he said I am. I’m a scared little girl crying in the grass.
This is my moment. I will have more. That’s a given. But this one is… The moment that breaks me. The moment that changes my path. The moment that burnt me.
CHAPTER TWO
Declan
5 Years Later
“Oh my god. Yes baby. Right there. Fuck me with that huge cock.” My wife is a pain in my ass. The bane of my existence. The fucking anti-Christ. More than that. I wish she’ll just shut the fuck up, and get off so I can let my junk wither and hide from her. It’s a wonder I can keep my cock hard anymore. Fuck it’s barely hard now. If it wasn’t for the fact she sucked me half hard I’d never have been able to fuck her at all. Even when she did that my eyes were closed blockin her out.
I fucking HATE this bitch. Yeah you heard me. I hate my wife.
Isabella Carmichael-Marks is the spawn of the Devil. A straight up hateful, vindictive cunt. If it wasn’t for my four and a half year old daughter Lexi, I would’ve killed the cunt years ago. Trust me. If I don’t end up doing just that I’ve got plenty of offers from my
brothers’ at the club who would do it for me. Even my dad will happily take care of her.
Alexis ‘Lexi’ Marks is my Angel. She is the only thing in this world that I live for anymore. I do this for her. Not the fucking, but the rest of it I do for her. She’ll never know that. She’ll never be told about the dark road I’ve travelled for her. Nevertheless I’ve done it all for her in the end. Her and the one woman I’ll never have.
Fuck. My. Life!
Five years ago, I fucked up. I fucked up huge. I hurt the one person that I never wanted to hurt. Never thought I would be able hurt. The one person I promised to protect, cherish, and care for, for the rest of my life. I was THAT asshole. You know the one you hear about that grows up with, goes to school with, hangs out with, and falls in love with his best friend. Yeah. I’m THAT asshole.
I fell in love with Kendall Bethany Jacobs when I was nine years old, and I will love her until I take my last breath on this Earth. People might say that’s too young to know what love is. What it really means. I was slow if you ask me. I should have fallen for her long before that.
Burnt: A Devil's Spawn Novel Page 3