by Sally Gould
I thanked him and sat at the end of the bar to eat it. The chicken didn’t taste as good as Mom’s roast chicken, but I was starved. Tearing the meat off the wishbone with my teeth, I glanced over to the dance floor. Dad was doing the Twist. How embarrassing!
Then I choked. Charlie and Lucy were dancing together. He must’ve put her under an alien spell. They weren’t allowed to dance together, the flower girl was meant to dance with the pageboy. And I was meant to be the pageboy. Not him!
The guy on the mike told everyone it was time to do the macarena and began to play the music. Charlie showed Lucy the moves. When did he learn the macarena? Did he take secret dancing lessons? I’d find out. Not that I wanted to learn too, but it might be good if I happened to be at another wedding with Lucy. Maybe if I became friends with Sophie’s brothers they could invite me to their weddings. Then Lucy could be the flower girl and I could be the pageboy.
I decided not to look at the dance floor. Instead I concentrated on soaking up every bit of gravy with the chicken and potatoes. When I finished everything (except the green stuff), Bernard brought me out some ice cream with chocolate topping.
“Thought you might like that better than the fancy pudding they served everyone else,” he said.
“Yep,” I said, swirling it round like a whirlpool. I took another peek at Lucy. She wasn’t with Charlie anymore; she was dancing with Sophie and the bridesmaids. They looked a bit strange all jumping around in a circle, but that was okay with me.
Aunt Evil came to the bar just in time to catch me licking the bowl. Was she checking on me? Mom and Dad hadn’t checked on me. Although that could’ve been because they were having a good time and had forgotten about me, or because they trusted me to do a good job (not likely), or because they didn’t care about me at all (yeah, that was probably it).
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and asked in my sweetest voice, “Would you like another lemon, lime and bitters, Aunt Avril? Or have you got a meeting with Mr. Jack Daniel’s?”
Her face went dark. She was furious. Obviously she didn’t like Jack Daniel’s.
“Where’s the barman?” she demanded to know.
“Gone to the bathroom.”
“Oh,” she said. “All right then, I’ll have a lemon, lime and bitters.”
I smiled deviously. Maybe I could pretend to drop some poison in it and get her worried. That would be fun. I opened the cupboard. There weren’t any bottles marked POISON. Didn’t matter - I had a Plan B.
With my back to my evil aunt, I slowly shoveled some ice into the glass. I slowly splashed lime cordial onto the ice. Very slowly, like I was in some sort of voodoo trance, I turned round and put the glass onto the drip tray in front of Aunt Evil. Slowly, I picked up the soft-drink gun and held it above the glass. Then I made my eyes go into the back of my head so she’d only be able to see the whites and I’d look like a zombie.
“AHHH!”
She screamed so loud, cola shot out of the gun and went everywhere. Well, not everywhere. Mostly on Aunt Evil’s face and hair and all over her crimson dress. Like a dog, she shook her head and cola flew from her hair. “AHHH!” she screamed again.
She wiped her face and pointed her finger at me. “YOU!” she shouted.
“It wasn’t my fault!” I glared at her. “You screamed.”
She stared at my hand. The hand that was holding the soft-drink gun.
I looked down at the gun. Then I realized what I’d done. I’d accidentally pressed the cola button. I felt my mouth open and shut.
Oh my God! I was dead!
All at once people came from everywhere. First, I saw Bernard with his hand fixed over his mouth. He was trying to stop laughing. In the crowd I saw Sophie’s brothers, Charlie, Lucy, Nanna, Mom and DAD!
OH, NO! I WAS REALLY DEAD!
“Max!” he barked. “Come here!”
7. THE WEDDING CAR
I swallowed. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Aunt Evil enjoying my embarrassment while she dabbed herself with tissues that Mom kept handing her. Mom glanced at me. I could tell she was disappointed. For her, being disappointed was worse than being angry.
I wondered if I should make a run for it. There was a gap in the crowd. I’d run once when I broke a window, but Dad had caught me. He was fast. But that was last year; now I’d be faster.
“Maaax,” he said, as though he could read my mind.
I studied my shoes and edged toward him. “It was an accident,” I mumbled. I couldn’t tell Dad I’d been thinking all day about how I’d get my revenge on Aunt Evil. And when I did, I’d make it worthwhile; nothing silly like spraying a bit of cola over her. I looked up. Dad’s eyes drilled holes into me.
“What can I do with you?” He sounded desperate.
Jamie, Sophie’s youngest brother, stepped forward. He said to Dad, “We’ll look after Max.” Then he whispered in Dad’s ear.
Dad nodded.
What was going on? Were they plotting against me? I’d thought Jamie was a good guy.
Charlie came up and elbowed me in the side. “That’s the second time you’ve got in big trouble. That’s two points off you, so I win.”
“What! You cheat. Taking points off wasn’t in the rules.”
“It’s logical.”
“Is not.” I felt Jamie’s hand grip my shoulder. He pushed me away from Charlie, then gave me a sneaky smile and whispered, “We’re going to decorate Sophie and Dan’s car. Grab the bananas and come with us.”
It sounded like a trick. “Dan’s car doesn’t need decorating.”
“It’s a tradition. When a couple gets married, their car gets decorated with balloons and streamers and stuff. Then everyone knows they’re just married.”
“You want me to help trash Dan’s car?”
“Yep.”
“Dad’ll kill me.”
“No he won’t. He’ll be proud of you.”
“Can I get that in writing?”
Jamie laughed. “Come on. We have to be quick.”
I went back behind the bar and grabbed the bananas from under the counter. I told Bernard what I had to do. “Bye,” I said. “Sorry about the cola.”
“No problem.” He gave me that great big white smile. Then he said, “Wait. I’ve got something for you.” He went into the kitchen.
Maybe he was going to give me a handful of chocolates as a reward for helping him. Maybe they’d be filled with peppermint cream. I wondered if I had to share them with Jamie, Ed and Tom.
Bernard returned with a paper bag and shoved it in my hand. I could tell it wasn’t chocolates. It felt hard.
“There’s a can opener in there. Put them under the hood. The smell will take ages to go away.”
Jamie was waiting, so I didn’t even ask Bernard what he meant. He shook my hand.
I gave Jamie the bananas and followed him outside and down to the car park. Tom and Ed were waiting beside Dan’s silver sports car. They’d taken off their jackets and put on old sweaters.
Jamie said to them, “Max is going to help.”
Tom, who was holding a green garbage bag full of stuff, laughed. “No wonder you’re called a troublemaker. Tell us if you come up with a good idea.”
I handed him the paper bag. “For under the hood.”
When he opened the bag, he yelled, “Brilliant! Soph’ll kill us.” He pulled out a can of sardines.
Ed held his nose as though the can was already open. “Yuk, I should’ve thought of it.”
Laughing, Jamie said, “Let’s get to work.” He clicked the remote to open Dan’s car.
Tom opened up the garbage bag. In it there was a toilet roll, a bag of rice, streamers, a piece of rope, packets of pink balloons, Vaseline, tin cans already tied together with string and a large packet of Styrofoam bits.
“Wow,” I said, “Charlie’s missing the best part of the wedding.”
“Max,” said Tom, handing me a couple of packets, “you can spread the Styrofoam through their luggage and t
ie the streamers to the antenna. I’ll blow up the balloons, Ed can rewire the horn. Jamie, you can do the rice first and when Max has finished with the luggage you can spray the shaving cream and put the tin cans and the toilet roll on the car.”
I waited for Ed or Jamie to complain, but they said, “Yep,” and got to work. Charlie and me could never divide a bunch of jobs like that in a million years. But I guess making a mess was more fun than tidying up.
Jamie opened the trunk, where the suitcases were. When I opened Sophie’s suitcase I felt guilty - for a second, anyway.
The job was finished in a flash. I wanted to keep doing stuff, but everything was done. Dan would only know it was his car because the words JUST MARRIED were written on the back windscreen with shaving cream.
We put all the leftover stuff into the garbage bag and Tom and Ed changed back into their jackets.
“Great job, Max,” said Jamie.
“Thanks.” I picked up the garbage bag. “I know where there’s a big bin outside. I’ll see you up there.”
Tom and Ed thanked me and then they all took off.
I began to walk up a different path, the one that went toward the kitchen. Once they’d gone inside, I turned round and ran back to the car park. I only took a minute to find Aunt Evil’s red Merc. It was locked. Of course it was locked. Then I remembered that Christmas when Uncle Jack secretly borrowed Aunt Evil’s car keys, so he could fix the dent he made when he reversed into her car before she saw it. I had to make a decision quick. Soon Dan and Sophie would leave and everyone would come out to say goodbye. Would I just decorate the outside of the red Merc? Or would I sneak back into the party and try to borrow her car keys?
A minute later, I slipped into the party without anyone seeing me. Most people were dancing. I saw Lucy dancing with Ed. That was okay, I suppose; better him than Charlie. I snuck under the tablecloth of the first table and crawled along the floor until I reached the third table, where Aunt Evil had sat. Her handbag wasn’t under the table. She must have it with her. Now I wished I hadn’t wasted valuable time.
I was about to crawl all the way back when I saw two solid legs with a beaded black handbag on the floor next to them. I knew those legs. I held my breath and, on my tummy, I edged toward the handbag.
Very slowly, I unzipped the zip. Very slowly, I reached in. I felt her wallet, a lipstick, a handkerchief, and then I felt them - the car keys. Very slowly, I pulled them out and put them in my pocket.
I edged away from the handbag and crawled back out the way I’d come. For a moment I wondered what Dad would do if he caught me.
When I crawled out from under the first table, I heard a gasp. I looked round to see Lucy. Her hands flew up to her face.
I’d scared her. My heart began to beat fast, like it did when I finished a race. “I’m going to decorate a car. Do you want to help me?”
She looked unsure. The ribbon in her hair had gone and her hair was a bit messy. Close up, she was even more beautiful.
“It’ll be fun.”
“I guess. I’ll tell my Dad.”
“No, you can’t do that. We won’t be long.”
Her face lit up. “I guess we’ll get in trouble?”
“I will if we get caught,” I admitted. “The secret is not getting caught.”
She tugged on my arm. “Let’s go.”
8. THE BANANA TRICK
Lucy giggled as she scattered Styrofoam bits through the trunk and the inside of Aunt Evil’s car.
I carefully laid the leftover sardines in nooks under the hood and then I smeared Vaseline all over the steering wheel.
Lucy put rice on top of the sun visors and we laughed. “Imagine the rice falling everywhere when she pulls them down,” she said.
With the can of shaving cream, I wrote THE EVIL ONE on the back windscreen. Then we blew up balloons until we were out of breath and put them in the trunk and inside the car.
Last, I shoved a banana in the exhaust.
“That’ll make her jump,” said Lucy.
We stood back and admired the result. “Almost as good as the bride and groom’s car,” I said.
“This was the best part of the wedding,” she said. “Do you always make everything fun?”
“I try.”
We ran back to the party, dumping the garbage bag in the bin on the way. We stood at the doorway. I could see Sophie and Dan getting ready to leave. Aunt Evil was still sitting at the table with Nanna.
“I’ve got to get the car keys back without her noticing,” I told Lucy.
“I’ll talk to her,” she said, giving me a special smile. She took the hair ribbon from her pocket and went over and asked Aunt Evil if she’d help her tie it. Aunt Evil complained she didn’t know much about ribbons, but she’d try.
I dropped to the ground and crawled under the tables until I reached the handbag. I could hear Lucy thanking Aunt Evil. The moment I dropped the keys in, I felt a sharp kick in the head. “OW!” I couldn’t help crying out.
The tablecloth flicked up and Aunt Evil’s evil head appeared. “YOU!”
I didn’t know whether to run or think of a reason I was crawling around under her table.
Lucy crouched down. “Did you find my necklace?” she asked me.
Wow, she was quick. “Not yet,” I said, rubbing my sore head.
Aunt Evil looked from me to Lucy and back to me. “What are you two up to? I’m not completely stupid, you know. Lucy hasn’t been anywhere near my table all night. She couldn’t have lost her necklace here.”
“We’ve looked everywhere else,” I said, getting out from under the table.
“Avril, he’s a good boy,” I heard Nanna say. “Sophie is about to throw the bouquet. Why don’t you see if you can catch it?”
Aunt Evil followed Nanna over to where all the guests were. Me and Lucy followed. I couldn’t see Charlie, but I hoped he saw me with her. Lucy joined the group of unmarried women hoping to catch Sophie’s bunch of flowers. Sophie turned her back to them and threw it behind her high up in the air. Everyone cheered.
At first it looked like Aunt Evil was going to catch it, but she missed it and it fell into Lucy’s outstretched hands. She turned to me and looked embarrassed. I smiled and realized tonight had turned out pretty good. I guess I didn’t need to run away.
Everyone followed Sophie and Dan outside. Sophie cried out in shock when she saw the JUST MARRIED sign on the back windscreen of their car. Dan’s eyes went from the streamers tied to the antenna to the pink balloons packed in the car, to the tin cans and toilet roll hanging from the back. Then he said something Charlie and me aren’t allowed to say.
I wished I could’ve seen the balloons fly out when Dan opened the trunk.
Charlie pointed at the car. “Did you get to do that? That’s not fair.”
I gave him a self-satisfied look. “Yep.”
While Dan threw out enough balloons so he and Sophie could fit in the car, I yawned and said to Mom, “I’m really tired.” She was obsessed with me getting enough sleep.
“We’ll leave as soon as they drive off.”
Dan turned on the engine. BANG! Everyone jumped, even me.
“Ah, the old banana trick,” said Dad.
I didn’t want him to hear a second bang. I had to get out of here.
As everyone was waving and yelling goodbye, I felt someone touch my arm, and turned to see Lucy. She handed me a piece of paper. Before she turned away to join her mother, I noticed she had the tiniest freckles across her nose. She was beautiful. I glanced at the paper and wanted to jump for joy, as Nanna says. Lucy had given me her email address and her phone number!
In the distance, Dan’s car horn sounded continuously. He must’ve had his foot on the brake. Lots of people laughed.
I said to Mom, “Let’s go before I fall asleep standing up.” I yawned again. Not a huge yawn, so she might think I was faking it - just an ordinary, convincing yawn.
Mom led the way down to the car park. Aunt Evil’s car was pa
rked five cars away from our car. I prayed Dad, Mom and Charlie wouldn’t look in that direction. I could hear Aunt Evil’s shrill voice telling Sophie’s mother what a beautiful wedding it’d been. She mightn’t think that in a few minutes.
We reached the station wagon and got in. We clicked in our seat belts. Dad started the engine, but he had to wait because lots of cars were backing out at the same time. Out the back windscreen I saw Aunt Evil heading toward her car. My heart beat fast again, but this time it was because I was scared, not because I was talking to Lucy.
Finally, Dad reversed and we began to move out of the car park. But there was a traffic jam. We stopped. Any moment I expected to see Aunt Evil banging on Dad’s window. In the distance I heard her scream.
“Was that a woman’s scream?” asked Mom.
‘Sounded like a sick cat,” I said. Dad was too busy getting annoyed with other cars trying to cut in front of him to care about a scream.
Mom listened, but the only sound was the noise of cars trying to get out of the car park.
Charlie was resting his head on the headrest, his eyes closed.
Our car edged slowly toward the exit. This was one of those times when I wished I had Charlie’s alien powers. Then I could make all the cars part so our car could get through the exit and to the main road.
BANG! I jumped out of my seat. So did Charlie, Mom and Dad.
“Gosh,” said Dad, “that sounded like another exploding banana.”
“Yes,” said Mom, “that’s exactly what it sounded like.”
They turned round and stared at me.
I gave them my best blank look. Then I pointed ahead. “We’re at the main road.”
They turned back to face the traffic.
“Wake me up when we’re home,” I said, before I rested my head back and closed my eyes.
Wow, I realized, I’d gotten away with the best revenge. And I’d done two things today that Charlie had never done. I’d worked as a barman and I’d decorated a bride and groom’s car. I couldn’t care less if he thought he’d won that stupid competition to annoy Dad. And I’d met Lucy. Today had been a great day, after all.