by Judy Baer
I winced. He was right. I would have told him to take a flying leap off a Burundian cliff.
“Terry also told me to ask you straight out for money for my pet cause. I’ve watched you in action. I know how that would have gone over.”
He did indeed. I’d railed more than once about people coming at me with hands extended for me to fill them. I now know that it wasn’t because they were bad causes. What was holding me back was knowing somewhere deep inside myself that God had other plans for the money. Feed My sheep. And it wasn’t His healthy, could-lose-a-few-pounds sheep, either. He’d led me to a hotbed of the neediest on earth.
“How long will you be here?”
Adam thoughtfully eyed his surroundings. He’d lost weight doing hard physical activity. “I don’t know. I’ve been working eighteen hours a day and I haven’t even scratched the surface yet. I’m the little Dutch boy with his finger in the dike, and the rest of the dike is crumbling fast.”
“What would help most?”
A woman came up to Adam and held out her hands, indicating that she would take the sleeping child from him. Somewhere in the distance a bird or chicken squawked. It was an odd punctuation in the silence between us.
“Where would I start? Good wells and sewers, a decent building to house the hospital, food and other provisions for these kids. Feeding centers, schools, vaccines… Once I start the list, I don’t know where to stop.”
“If villages each had a hospital and feeding center, a school and people and supplies to run them, would that help?”
I saw Adam take a deep breath and expel it shakily.
“It would be a dream come true.”
“This, then, is your lucky day.”
He looked at me with the same sort of absentminded tolerance he’d displayed when the little boy had come running to him. He was willing to hold him, but he did have more pressing things on his mind.
“That’s why we’re here. Elise has a vision for how my money can be best used to do what we’ve been talking about. Frankie can tell you more about it than I can, but she thinks that if we can put everything structurewise into place in a village, then other charities and faith groups would be capable of taking them over and running them. Ideally, they’ll train the residents how to run their own hospitals and schools and then move on.”
“What?” His voice was strangled.
“Just what I said, you big goof.” I watched him sit straight and lean toward me.
“You aren’t making this up, are you?”
“Of course not. Ouch! You pinched me!” I rubbed the spot on my arm where he’d reached out and twisted the skin.
“Just making sure you’re real. I don’t want this to be a dream I’m going to wake up from soon.”
I smiled and pinched him back. “There. Real enough for you?”
“For a skinny little thing, you have strong fingers.”
Welcome back, Adam.
By the time we got back to our hotel with Adam in tow, Elise had returned from her own meetings and was doing a little two-step in Frankie’s and her room.
“I thought you’d never get here!” she screeched as we entered. “I have got so much to tell you…. Adam? What are you doing here?”
Adam ran his fingers through his dark hair and grinned sheepishly. “Why does everyone who sees me ask me that?”
Elise clamped her arms around him and gave him a bear hug. “Because we worry about you when you disappear. Because we love you. And other than that, I can’t think of a single reason.” She started clucking like a mother hen. “And shame on you for not telling anyone where you were.”
She turned on Frankie, who was arranging for himself an innocent face. “Did you know about this all along?”
“Not exactly…”
“What does ‘exactly’ mean?”
“He never said he was going here. I just figured that this was probably where he’d come,” Frankie said. “I know that I can’t get this place out of my mind.”
Adam’s eyes glazed and he glanced away from me.
Something in my heart softened, melted like snow in the first warm spring rain. I understood now how deeply and passionately Adam cared about these people and this place. This big, strong, stoic man was brought to tears over dying children he felt helpless to save.
I knew in that instant that Adam would have moved heaven and earth to do something to help. Why should I be surprised that he’d write a story about me—even without my permission—if he’d thought it would make a difference here?
CHAPTER 40
I slept so hard on the plane ride home that I drooled on my little airplane pillow.
The rest of my party was no better. One week in Burundi was like a year at home. Fortunately, there were a lot of empty seats on the return flight, so everyone was able to spread out.
Frankie and Elise were tangled together asleep across three seats. Frankie, bless his heart, snored like a steam engine. Elise, smart woman that she is, wore earplugs. Adam, who on impulse had decided to come back with us, looked handsome even in his sleep.
Frankie snored, while Adam did not. Frankie’s mouth fell open, giving everyone a view of his tonsils, but Adam’s did not. Frankie’s hair went berserk and made him look as though he’d been electrocuted. In contrast, Adam’s fell gently over his forehead and made me want to brush it away from his tanned face. And while Frankie made me feel like dropping a blanket over his face so I didn’t have to look at him, I could, and did, stare at Adam every chance I got.
He kept me at arm’s length since we met in the village. He’s cautious and watchful, like an ice fisherman testing thin ice—eager to be fishing but terrified of drowning.
He’s smiling more now, however. Elise’s work was productive, and things are falling into place. She made a connection with an organization that has been building hospitals and schools on the eastern plateau side of the country, and they were ecstatic about having actual funds to work with, not piecemeal donations and their current pay-as-you-pray financial policy. They employ locals in the villages, which brings some money into the community. They also pay with goats, ducks, cows and any other food-producing creature, so that by the time they complete their projects and leave the village, there is an ongoing supply of milk and eggs, as well.
Elise has notebooks filled with ideas, names, addresses and information to take back to the States to sort through. Her business training has kicked in, and she is showing less of her Birkenstock style and more of her Brooks Brothers for Women mode.
And I’m at peace. There’s not a single niggling doubt that there’s something more I should do or say. The money is being channeled into the right places. I’ve given up fighting the fact I’m rich and begun maximizing it so that not a dime is wasted that could be going to someone in need. And due to Elise’s persuasiveness, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I can pay myself a salary for the work I do for the Feed My Children Foundation we’re starting. I won’t be rolling in money, but I will be able to pay the light bill and buy dog food. A dandy compromise if ever there was one.
But there is still one big gaping hole in my life, and it will be waiting for me when I get back. Ken, Randy and Adam. Adam skirts around me as if I’m an electric fence ready to zap him. Ken will have flowers on my doorstep the minute he knows I’m home. And Randy will rev up his cell phone for frequent check-ins to monitor my emotional temperature.
Lord, You’ve handled everything else, so I give my feelings about Adam to You, as well. I ask for release. He doesn’t believe like I do, Lord, and I refuse to relegate You to only a corner of my life. Love me, love my God. We’re a package, You and I. I ask You to protect me from the pain of loving someone like Adam.
Maybe I’ll sneak into my apartment under the radar for a few days just to get my bearings.
“Cassia!” Jane squealed so loudly that the woman standing next to her in baggage claim clamped her hand over her ear. “You’re home!”
Translation: “I was su
re I was never going to see you again. You scared me out of my skin.”
“Are you exhausted from your trip?”
Translation: “Don’t you ever do anything like this again. You look terrible.”
“We missed you so much.”
Translation: They missed me.
“I’m okay, Jane. Terrific, really. It was an amazing trip. God provided everything we needed.” And more.
“Dave’s outside with Winslow, and Grandma is waiting in the car.”
Now, when everything is fine, I feel tears in my eyes.
“Just a minute. I want to say goodbye to the others.” I turned back and waved to Elise, who had just collected her things from the baggage carousel.
“Thanks for everything,” I whispered in her ear as I hugged her. “You were awesome.”
“Thank you for the privilege of having a part in this amazing thing we’re doing.”
Frankie slipped his arm around Elise’s waist. Funny, when I’d first met him, I’d thought he looked wild and rebellious. Now he looked like a soft teddy bear and a very safe place to fall. “When will we be in touch?”
“I want a couple days to regroup before I do anything. I have a hunch that by then, Elise will have a ‘to do’ list for me as long as my arm.” I glanced around. “My family is ready to go, but I just wanted to say goodbye to you and Adam.”
“He took off already,” Frankie said. “He told me to tell you both goodbye.”
“Without saying anything to us?” Elise looked indignant.
It’s me he’s avoiding, I know. I understand now why Adam did what he did. Although I have forgiven him, he’s not willing to forgive himself, so not everything to do with the money is sorted out yet.
If Adam’s rebuff at the airport had hurt me, Winslow’s elation at my return almost made up for it. When he saw me, he emitted a yelp of pleasure and began to wag his back end so vigorously that he almost knocked over a businessman in a suit and tie. As the gentleman stumbled off wondering what had hit him, Winslow tugged at his leash until I thought he might choke himself.
I couldn’t even get to Dave to give him a hug. Winslow planted himself between us, and when I bent to pet him, he cleaned every bit of makeup off my face with his tongue.
“Calm down, big guy. I’m home to stay.”
Half whining, yipping, he indicated that he didn’t quite believe me. Adam is afraid he can’t regain my trust. Me? I’m trying to win back my own dog.
“Do you want to go to our house or your own?” Jane asked when we were in the car. Mattie had given me a greeting almost as effusive as Winslow’s but without the tongue part.
“My house, if you don’t mind. I feel like I can’t spend one more minute away.”
“We thought so. Dave and I brought you some groceries, and Mattie made a hot dish and a pie. We’ll eat there.”
Bliss.
Comfort food, my favorite people and my dog. I hardly noticed that Adam’s apartment was dark when we arrived.
Well, maybe just a little.
Okay, okay, I noticed a lot. Worse yet, I was disappointed. Somehow I still harbored the notion that we could pick up where we’d left off before the money-Burundi-lottery-story fiasco. That goes to show I’m an optimist, I guess, but this time my optimism failed me. I have the sinking feeling that Adam isn’t coming back at all.
“Cassia? Where’d you go? You look as though you’re a thousand miles away.” Jane waved a spoon in front of my face to get my attention.
“Sorry. I was a thousand miles away, or maybe more.”
“You haven’t said much about your trip,” Mattie commented. “We’re eager to hear everything.”
“Okay,” I said, mustering the energy to share my experiences with my family. “But hold on to your hats—this trip was a very wild ride.”
CHAPTER 41
“Hey, Chase, it’s Adam. I just got in. Any chance I can bunk with you for a couple days?”
“Hiya, bud. Sure, come on over. Whitney and Pepto will be thrilled to see you.”
“Whitney, maybe. But Pepto? I don’t think so.”
“You never know. Having these women in his life has mellowed him.”
“Women?”
“Whitney and Cassia. We met your neighbor and discovered that the misanthrope in cat’s clothing adores her. She’s a great gal, isn’t she?”
“Yeah, really great.” And the reason I need to stay at your place until I get my head straight.
Cassia was popping up everywhere, like a beach ball in a swimming pool, Adam thought. He’d push her out of sight in one place, and she’d show up somewhere else.
“Are you okay? You sound funny.”
“Just tired. And by the way, my cab is only a few blocks from your place right now.”
“At least you know you’re always welcome. I’ll tell Whitney you’re on your way. She’ll want to feed you.”
Adam felt every single bone, muscle and fiber in his body as he carried his bag toward Chase’s front steps. There wasn’t a spot that didn’t hurt, including his brain cells.
“Look at you!” Chase stood in the doorway and greeted his cousin. “Is the beard your new look?”
“Only until I can get a razor.” Adam dropped his bags and the two embraced.
“Come inside. Whitney is making an omelet and fresh coffee. I think you have a lot to tell us.”
After four or five cups of coffee, the omelet, bacon, a stack of toast, two slices of pie with ice cream and half a dozen homemade cookies, Adam finally felt like talking.
Pepto, who had been giving him the cold shoulder as punishment for abandoning him, forgave him in trade for a slice of bacon, and deigned to claw at Adam’s pant leg in welcome.
Whitney and Chase chose to regale Adam with stories of their becoming friends with Cassia.
Here she is, popping up again. I can’t get away, even here.
“You’re pretty quiet,” Whitney observed. “You do like your neighbor as much as we do, don’t you?”
“Sure, I like her.” Adam shifted in his chair and sighed. “I’m just ashamed to face her.” Seeing the look in his hosts’ eyes, he told the rest of the story.
Whitney and Chase were silent when he finished.
Finally Chase whistled. “A little ethical conundrum, huh? A moral lapse?”
“You certainly get to the point,” Adam growled. He scraped his fingers through his hair. “And I don’t even know why it’s a big deal. I’m not the first journalist to step on toes to get a story, and I won’t be the last. It’s not as though I said something bad about her. She comes off in a great light—a heroine, actually.”
“You’re right. No big deal,” Chase agreed cheerfully.
“I mean, really, I’ve blown this all out of proportion.”
“So true. It’s really insignificant in the scheme of things. What’s one woman being upset when you can help a lot of children? She can handle herself. Do you want another cup of coffee?”
“Yeah, I…” Adam glanced up sharply. “What are you doing?”
Chase’s eyes danced. “Not a thing. Just assuring you that most people wouldn’t give it another thought, Adam.” He reached for the carafe and poured coffee into Adam’s cup.
“I didn’t think I’d ever hear that from you, Mr. Moral Upright God-Fearing Citizen.”
“Of course, I wouldn’t have done it, not without her permission. But I suppose that’s why I’m a doctor. It’s always clear what my responsibility is—the patient.”
“Well, it’s not that big a deal, Chase!”
“Excuse me? Who’s beating himself up for a choice he made? Adam, if it’s such a big deal, say you’re sorry!”
“I have.”
“Did she forgive you?”
“I think so.”
“Have you forgiven yourself?”
Adam grimaced. “Obviously not.”
“Has God forgiven you?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
�
�It used to have everything to do with it.” Chase leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms on his chest and grinned. “That God you decided you didn’t believe in, the One you lost in Burundi, must still be a big deal. If not, you wouldn’t care whether or not Cassia was upset.”
“I can be ethical and not believe!”
“Of course you can. But there’s more to you than ethics, Adam. There’s conscience. And there’s that annoying but effective Friend of ours, the Holy Spirit.”
“Don’t go there with me, Chase. Don’t make everything a sermon.”
“Okay, okay,” Chase agreed, still exasperatingly cheerful. “You figure it out for yourself. But I’d bet you anything that the Holy Spirit is trying to get to you any way He can. He’s not crazy about hardened hearts, you know.”
“You’d bet me? Chase, gambling is what got me in all this trouble in the first place!”
Adam stood in the shower and let the hot water pour across his skin. He turned the showerhead flow until the water came out like painful little pellets. As he stood there, he scrubbed his skin with a bar of soap and a washcloth, as if trying to wash his frustration away.
Chase was right. This was no big deal. Cassia didn’t hold grudges. She’d said as much. On the plane ride home she’d told him it was fine to publish the articles, since they were being used to further “our cause.” She’d even said that if he actually thought someone would be foolish enough to buy a book about her, the lottery and Burundi, he should write it—after she’d approved it, of course. The only thing she insisted was that the part her faith played in all of this be included, and also how God had led her to the place she needed to be.
Adam turned off the shower and shook his head like a big wet dog, sending a spray of droplets around the bathroom. He hated it when Chase was right. God was more important to him than he cared to let on.
God was the One sitting on Adam’s conscience. And Adam was learning that when God wants a person’s attention, He can make himself very weighty and conspicuous.