Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  All of a sudden the darkness turns to a bright light and I have to shut my eyes to keep my balance. I move forward and run into something hard. I swing out to clear my way and feel fingers around my wrist. The same motion is repeated on the other side and I’m completely restrained again.

  “Lexie, please, Lexie! Open your eyes! It’s me. You’re okay. You’re safe, Lexie.”

  The sound of Julian’s familiar voice breaks through the fog. I slowly open my eyes to find him standing in front of me, in his bedroom. I look around to make sure I know where I am. I look back at Julian and see blood dripping from a small cut across his cheek. I see the scratch marks left from what I assume are my nails. I start to shake and feel a wave of nausea overtake my stomach. I pull my arms away from Julian and run to the bathroom just in time to throw up.

  Julian follows me and sits down on the tiled floor next to me. He holds my hair and rubs my back until the last of my dry heaves subside. He keeps telling me I’m safe. When I’m sure I’m done, I get up and brush my teeth and splash water on my face. I’m trembling and it’s hard to stand. I walk back to the bed and sit upright against the headboard. I have yet to utter a word but I’m not sure anything will come out if I try. Julian walks back to the side of the bed I’m on and sits down in front of me. He takes my hand and runs his thumb over my palm in a soft, slow pattern. I really look at him for the first time and see the scratch marks clearly. There are three tiny ones on his left cheek, with one being deep enough to have drawn blood. I reach up and run my fingers over the scratch and whisper, “I’m so sorry.” I can’t stop the tears that begin to flow.

  Julian shakes his head as if to shake off my concern for him. “What do you need from me right now, baby?”

  I wish I knew. I’m such a mess: I’m embarrassed, I’m sad, I feel lost. I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. I don’t know what to say. I haven’t had this nightmare before. It’s not familiar, yet I remember it so vividly.

  “I was so scared. I’ve never been so scared in my whole life, real or in a dream.”

  “What were you scared of? What happened in your dream?”

  I try and find a way to describe what I dreamt about but the words don’t seem adequate.

  “I couldn’t get away. I couldn’t save myself.”

  “From what? Save yourself from what?”

  “I don’t know, Julian. That’s the scariest part. I don’t know.”

  The tears that have been sliding down my face turn to sobs and when they do, Julian takes me in his arms and holds me until I cry myself to sleep. He doesn’t turn the lights off and when I wake again in the morning, I see the sunlight and Julian still right beside me, holding me close.

  I try and move out of his arms but my attempts wake him and he sits right up. He looks exhausted and I know he didn’t get a good night’s sleep.

  “Good morning.” I slip out of his arms and sit up on the edge of the bed. I’m starting to feel nauseous again. I’m sure it’s because, in the light of day, I know I’ll have to face the reality that I’m so far from being okay. I have to work today and I only have an hour before I have to be in so I hurry to the bathroom and get in the shower before Julian has the chance to talk to me. He doesn’t come in the bathroom, but is waiting for me when I’m done.

  “I’m here to talk if you want to. If you don’t want to, I’ll deal with it. But, you need to talk to someone. I haven’t seen you like that before. It scared me.”

  Great. I already feel like shit for hitting him last night. I see his scratches have scabbed over a little and the area around where my hand must have landed is a faded purple from bruising.

  I try and act nonchalant as I start getting ready. I brought a pair of black, cropped pants, a plain peplum, black tank and a pair of black, Coach ballet flats. I didn’t have time to even think about what I was going to wear today and now it looks like I’m in mourning. It matches my mood.

  “I’m sorry I kept you up. I’m sorry I scared you and I’m so sorry I hit you. But it’s over and I’m fine. You know I don’t like to talk about this so can we please just move on.”

  “No. We can’t just move on. You didn’t hear or see yourself last night. I did. You were terrified. You admitted it to me. Not that I needed you to, but I’m glad you did. You were yelling stop over and over again. Were you dreaming about the rape?”

  I spin around and look at him. He looks concerned but I really don’t want to delve into this.

  “So much for you dealing with me not talking about it, Julian. I told you last night I don’t really know what I was dreaming about. I was unable to get away from something. I felt like something was coming for me. I didn’t dream about being raped. I never do.” I don’t tell him I remember the smell of whiskey in my dream and that I think the whole thing was triggered by his dad. It seems I don’t have to though.

  “You were fine until last night. I saw the look in your eyes when my dad was hugging you. You were panicked. This is about the rape and you were triggered last night.”

  “Well thanks for the psychological analysis, Dr. Freud.”

  “Don’t insult me, Lexie. Don’t go there. I’m right and we both know it.”

  I don’t have the energy to argue so I tell him what he wants to hear. What he already knows.

  “Do you want to be right? I mean, do you really want me to tell you your dad freaked me out last night? That the way he looked at me, the way he touched me, and the smell of whiskey on his breath took me right back to the night I was raped. Do you want me to admit your dad was a fucking trigger for me last night? Because he was, Julian. Do you know how we’re supposed to deal with that? I sure as hell don’t and I don’t think you do either. So, we can talk about this for days and we’ll still come to the same conclusion. I’m fucked up and it’s both dangerous and unhealthy for you to share a bed with me.”

  One look at Julian’s face says all I need to hear. He thought the same thing and he doesn’t have any idea how to deal with it. He looks lost. I walk over to him and wrap my arms around him. I make him look at me.

  “You don’t always have to have the answers. Sometimes I wish you didn’t think you had to fix everything because then I wouldn’t feel like such a burden. I’m embarrassed and so uncomfortable with this that it makes my skin crawl. None of this is your fault. I don’t blame you for anything and I’m so thankful you were with me last night. You did all the right things. Thank you for that.”

  “I’d do anything for you. You have to know that. It kills me to think I set up a situation that would make you feel the way you did.”

  “I know that. Please. Can we move on now? We both need to get to work.”

  He reluctantly agrees to drop it, but I know he’s just dropping it for now. I know we’ll be talking about this later. We make the short drive to The Promenade in silence. He’s dropping me off at work because I left my car at the hotel. I’m still not driving myself anywhere but I feel better knowing my getaway car is nearby. Our goodbye is a bit tense and uncomfortable.

  “Do you want to ride home with me or drive your car?”

  He says home, like his condo is my home. “I can drive my car to your condo. That way you don’t need to come get me. I’ll walk over after work. When will you be done?”

  Nothing gets by him. He scowls at my choice of words. “I’ll be done by six.” He reaches in his glove box and pulls out a keychain with a few keys and key fob on it. He hands it to me and I have no choice but to take it. The keychain is a gold B for Bauer. “Here are the keys to my condo. The key fob opens the gates to the parking garage. Park in the spot next to the Jeep.”

  I look down at the keys and my heart starts to race. This isn’t the scenario I pictured when I thought about getting the keys to his condo. But, to be fair, I made this an issue.

  “Thank you. I’m not sure I’ll be there before you so I’m not sure you need to give them to me.”

  “Carajo, Lexie. I don’t need to do anything. I want you to have the damn ke
ys.”

  “You don’t need to get so mad. You just keep pushing.”

  “And you keep pulling back. It’s always a tug-of-war and you have to fight me on everything. I’m not the one who makes a big deal out of everything. That’s your deal. You’re always questioning my motives. I’m not playing any games here and I’m getting tired of being the only one in this relationship who’s trying to move forward. Use the keys or don’t. It’s your choice.”

  I feel like he just slapped me. His voice is hostile and I can tell he’s actually mad. I really can’t deal with this drama right now. I have to walk into the building and deal with a day I’m not mentally prepared for. I’m tired and emotional and now I’m hurt. It’s in these moments, when I feel like I’m not enough, that I wish I had never met Julian. I know I have the ability to say something I’ll regret later so I just get out of the car.

  “I’ll see you later. Have a good day.”

  He barely waits until I’m out before he pulls away. “You too, Alexa.”

  Alexa. Yep, He’s really pissed.

  Chapter Nine

  Because Murphy’s Law is how I roll, the first person I see is Serena. She’s lying in wait in the lobby of the trailer. I actually smile as I walk by but she isn’t deterred.

  “Hey, Alexa. It was so weird to see you out of the office the other night. Sorry if you were uncomfortable with meeting Alejandra. I can imagine how you must have felt seeing Julian’s ex-fiancé.”

  I’m so not in the mood for her this morning and I let her know.

  “You know what Serena, I’m over this. You heard me say I was going and you planned the whole thing. It wasn’t a coincidence you found me at my boyfriend’s bar. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you didn’t ruin my night. I had a fantastic night and a fantastic weekend. You may be the only one who doesn’t know it, but Alejandra isn’t a part of Julian’s life and that has nothing to do with me. It’s old news and you need to find some new material.”

  She tries to interrupt me but I’m not done. “I haven’t done a single bad thing to you and yet you can’t help but screw with me. It’s pathetic. Let me warn you, I can be the biggest bitch in the world and it’s not a threat, but you really don’t want me to go there. I’ve been trying to be nice because we work together but I’m done. Find someone or something else to focus on or I promise I’ll make your life miserable.”

  I wait for her to say something but she doesn’t. Her mouth is practically hanging open. Damn, I should’ve done this sooner. I give it a minute and then turn and go into my office. My heart is racing. I turn my computer on, plug in my phone, and go get a cup of coffee. When I walk past Evelyn she winks at me. I know she thinks Serena is a pain in the ass too.

  I have a list of things to do to get ready for the party in a few weeks so the morning goes by quickly. They’ve begun moving our stuff into the actual building so it’s hard to get anything done but I try to tie up some loose ends. Andrea sees I’m getting things done and gives me more work. It keeps me busy which is great because I need the distraction. I can’t stop thinking about Julian and what he said this morning. I do keep pulling away. I can’t even be mad at what he said because it’s all true.

  I pick up the phone to call him, but decide an in-person visit will be better. I tell Evelyn I’m going out for a while and make the fifteen minute walk to the hotel. The first person I see when I get near the front is Candace. Damn. She’s another person I can’t stand. Lucky for me she barely gives me a glance and walks haughtily by. Now that I’m standing in the lobby I text Julian.

  Alexa: I have a serious issue and need to see the owner of this hotel immediately. I’m in the lobby and not leaving until you take care of the misunderstanding we had this morning.

  Julian: You’re one bossy lady and I’m very busy, but we have a few things to clear up so I’ll hear your side of the story.

  Alexa: In person?

  Julian: Yes. Give me five and come back, finishing a meeting. I told the front desk it was okay.

  I look at the guy at the front desk and he smiles. While I’m waiting my phone beeps. I’m sure it’s Julian telling me to come back now. I glance down and start walking. The message stops me in my tracks.

  Luke: Lex. Please call me. I need to talk to you. It’s important.

  What the fuck? I get this text right now. Today? I don’t even want to answer it. I have to think. But I don’t want him to call when I’m with Julian. I start to text back and then just turn my phone off. Me not answering is a very believable scenario. I take a deep breath, forget Luke’s text, and walk to Julian’s office.

  He’s sitting behind his desk and gets up to greet me. He does it with a big hug and a kiss. He doesn’t let go of me as he closes the door behind him. I love that he’s so affectionate. It relaxes me and makes me know things will be okay. I look up at his cheek and my heart sinks. The scratches are visible and there’s definitely a bruise there. I gently run my fingers over the area. He grabs my hand and kisses it.

  “I’m sorry about this morning and about the keys. I know it seems like I don’t want to go forward but that’s not true. I’m just scared to.” I exhale. There, I finally said it out loud.

  Julian takes my hand and leads me to a turquoise-blue, leather loveseat that sits in the corner of his office. It’s a pop of color in the midst of white, black, and brown. I like it. I sit next to him and try not to be nervous. I just opened a can of worms with my admission and I have no doubt he’s going to take the ball and run with it.

  “What are you scared of? You’ve used that word so many times in the last twenty-four hours. How am I scaring you?”

  I pause for a moment and look down at our entwined hands. When I look up, the love I see in his eyes gives me the strength to be honest. “I feel like I’m living in a dream. Sometimes it’s a great dream and sometimes, like last night, it feels like a literal nightmare. I don’t feel like I have control over what’s going to happen from day to day and I’m scared to believe in anything that may not be there when I wake up the next morning. Does that make sense?”

  “You’re scared to believe in me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “Because, despite everything you say to me, I keep thinking one day soon, you’re going to look at me, and all the drama that is me, and decide it isn’t worth it. The last few months have been crazy. I know that. I drive you crazy and not in a good way. I know I do, because I drive myself crazy too.”

  He starts to talk and I put my finger on his mouth to stop him. I need to get this out. “Please let me finish. I need to.”

  He nods and lets me continue. “It’s why I don’t leave my clothes and shoes at your place. It’s why I won’t take your car and why I don’t want to have your keys. I keep waiting for you to change your mind and when you do, I’m going to have to deal with all of that on top of a broken heart. I know you think it’s stupid, but I’m being serious.”

  Julian leans back and stretches his long legs in front of him. He runs his free hand through his hair and takes a deep breath.

  “It makes me really unhappy to hear you say all of this. I really thought you were just being stubborn and independent. I didn’t think you had so little faith this is real, that I’m real. That what I feel is real.”

  I can tell I’ve hurt his feelings and because that wasn’t my intention, I try to fix it. He cuts me off this time. “Please let me finish now, okay.”

  I nod my head and brace myself for his response.

  “I’ve never given my keys to anybody other than my brother, my mom, and my cleaning lady. I don’t let anybody drive my cars and I certainly haven’t asked anybody to leave as much as a toothbrush at my house. These things are huge for me, huge, and each time you turn me down it does make me rethink where we are in this relationship. It feels like a rejection of me and everything I want to give to you. For the first time in forever I want to share my life with someone and you keep declining my offers. Not to mention I haven’
t given you any reason to think I’m leaving.”

  I wait until I’m sure he’s done before I continue. “I don’t know what to say because you’re right and I can understand why you feel the way you do. I’m sorry you feel like I’m rejecting you. I want to be in your life. I want to share things with you. But, I’ve been there before and it ended so badly. It always ends badly for me. I’m not a big believer in the fairy tale.”

  “Do you have so little faith in yourself or is it in me?”

  Tears spring to my eyes. This is so hard. I want him to understand why I feel the way I do but at the same time I’m exposing myself as the insecure woman I really am.

  “As usual, it’s all about me. I believe you when you say you care about me. I know this is serious to you. But you could have any woman you want and I just keep waiting for the next best thing to come around the corner and turn your head. Sometimes I think it’d be easier for you to find a woman who has her shit together because clearly I don’t. I used to be so confident, so together. I really was. I’m trying to find that girl again, but it’s a struggle. I feel so out of my league with you sometimes. You can see that, right?”

  He absorbs my words for a few moments. “You’ve never talked to me like this, do you know that?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “Telling your boyfriend what a mess you are, isn’t in the how to keep a man handbook.”

  That makes Julian laugh a little and a smile appears on his face. “I haven’t seen that book before.”

  “Men don’t get to see it. It’s classified.” Julian smiles again and takes my hand.

  “Where do we go from here, Julian?”

  “We just keep going forward. I’m not going anywhere. I can’t. So I’m going to keep telling you and showing you how I feel until you believe it. Does that work for you?”

  I practically fling myself into his lap. “Yes. That works for me.” I kiss him and give him a huge hug. We stay that way for a few minutes until he pulls away.

  “I have a change in plans for tonight. I won’t be home until at least eight.”