Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I thought things would be different now that I was engaged, like the world would seem like a different place. I was right, but in the most wrong way. Two nights ago I agreed to marry Julian and today I can’t get him to reply to any of my texts. I’ve left two messages for him and he hasn’t called back. I wanted to ask him if it was cool to bring the girls to Ursa’s for drinks to celebrate. I don’t want to just show up. I wait a while and try again.

  Alexa: If you don’t answer I’m coming to see if you’re ok.

  This time he replies right away.

  Julian: I’m fine. Just really busy. Do you need something?

  Seriously? That’s his response. Do I need something? Yeah, I need to know what the hell is going on. That text couldn’t be more un-Julian. I’m so tempted to say something rude or just ignore him but I restrain myself. I did, after all, just agree to be his wife. I guess I need to act rationally. Too bad that’s not always my strong suit. I dig deep.

  Alexa: I wanted to know if it was ok to bring my friends to Ursa’s for drinks/dinner tonight.

  Alexa: To celebrate

  Julian: Celebrate?

  Oh my God. He didn’t just ask me what I want to celebrate did he? This is bad. I pick up the phone and call him. It goes right to voicemail, so I text again.

  Alexa: Answer your phone please

  Julian: I can’t

  Alexa: You can’t? What’s going on Julian?

  Julian: I’m busy. Working. Problems. Tonight’s not a good night to come here. I may be here all night. You should stay at your place

  WTF? I feel like I’m getting punked. Something’s wrong and I feel it in my bones. I’m not overreacting either. I know it. I know something is really wrong. These texts aren’t coming from the man who, just a few days ago, told me he wanted to spend forever with me. Stay at my place? Since when is that an option, especially since I stayed at my place last night. Something happened between when he dropped me off yesterday and now. Oh my God. He’s changed his mind. He had some time away from me to think about it and decided he didn’t want to marry me and now he’s avoiding me. This is so bad. I’m not sure what to say so I just agree.

  Alexa: Fine. We’ll go somewhere else.

  Julian: Ok

  Ok? A chill starts to spread through my body as I realize I actually might be right. I feel sick to my stomach and my breathing starts to speed up. This can’t be happening.

  I sit at my desk for a few moments and try to get myself together. When that doesn’t work I decide to leave work. It’s already four anyway. Lauren is out showing a unit so I text her to let her know I’m leaving. Serena is here too so we’re covered.

  Alexa: Feeling sick. Going home. Drinks another time

  Lauren: Sick? Ok. Feel better

  Alexa: thanks. Ttyl

  I walk out of my office and see nobody but Evelyn is there. I ask her to let Diego know I’m not feeling well. She agrees I look pale and shaky, which I am. Luckily I left my car at Julian’s this weekend. It meant Marissa had to drive me to work this morning but it’s working out for the best. I decide to walk to his place instead of catching a cab. I need the fresh air. I fight the urge to go to the hotel and confront him. I try to convince myself I’m imagining this. Maybe he really is just busy. We were gone all weekend. Maybe he really needs to catch up on what he missed. I keep telling myself this over and over again. I’m not very convincing.

  It’s five o’clock when I get to the Bellavista. I walk into the parking garage and head straight to my car. I stick my hand in my purse to pull out my keys and can’t find them. I keep digging and finally remember I left them in the condo. I put them in the bowl on the table in the foyer. Damn it! I don’t want to go up. I really just want to go home. It’s ironic that a few hours ago I was beginning to think this was going to be my home.

  I also realize the key Julian gave me is on my key ring. Shit. I walk up to Axel, the regular security guard and ask him to let me in. I’ve basically been living here and today, for some reason he’s telling me he can’t let me in without Julian’s permission. It just keeps getting worse. He offers to call him but I let him know I’ll take care of it. This is humiliating. I call again and it goes right to voicemail. I take a deep breath and try to keep from throwing up. It’s that bad. He’s told security not to let me in his unit.

  Alexa: I need my car keys and they’re in your house. Please call security and tell them to let me in.

  Julian: Ok. Give me a few minutes

  Alexa: What’s going on Julian? You’re freaking me out

  I wait for his reply and nothing comes back. A few minutes later Axel hands me a key and tells me to make sure to bring it back. I want to yell at him I have my own damn key but realize he knows that. He knows me. This is crazy. As I head up to Julian’s condo I can hardly breathe. I have no idea what’s going on but I’m actually scared to walk into the condo. I turn the key in the lock and open the door slowly. I almost feel like something evil is going to jump out at me. Nothing does. It’s quiet, so quiet I can hear my own breathing. Everything is the same as it always is. Everything that is, except the feeling I belong here. I should just grab my keys and go but I really need to use the bathroom and could use something to drink after the walk over here. I walk down the hallway into Julian’s bedroom. It looks the same. What could’ve happened after we said goodbye last night, when he told me how happy I made him this weekend? I use the bathroom and walk into the kitchen. Everything looks the same in here too. If everything is the same why do I feel so different? I grab a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and drink the whole thing quickly. I walk over to the cabinet next to the sink that holds the trash can. I push the pedal with my foot to open it and glance toward the sink. That’s when I see it. There are two shot glasses turned upside down in the sink. They look so incredibly out of place. There might as well be a spotlight on them. I pick one up and bring it to my nose and the pungent scent of whiskey assaults my senses. I look down to the trash can that I’ve opened up and see a bottle of Jameson in the trash. I pick it up. It’s empty. What the hell is going on?

  Someone has been here drinking today and I’m having a hard time believing it was Julian. He doesn’t really drink and he certainly doesn’t do whiskey shots on a Monday afternoon. I talked to him last night before I went to bed and he said he was home by himself so I don’t think this is from him partying with his friends. I’m standing there for a few minutes trying to process this situation, when it hits me. Something must be going on with his dad. That’s got to be it. He must be dealing with that. I take a deep breath and exhale. What a relief. I wish he’d just tell me what’s happening but I’ve learned his dad is the one thing he won’t really talk about. I want him to be able to tell me anything. I want to help, and because I do, I decide to stay and wait until Julian gets home so we can talk about it. I want to be there for him.

  I pour myself a glass of wine and sit down outside on the terrace. I feel so much better. It all makes sense. He must’ve not wanted his dad to have access to his place and that’s why he told security to call him before letting anybody in. It must be bad if Julian is so preoccupied he can’t talk to me. He’s been so patient and understanding with me. I’m going to do the same for him.

  I sit and wait for what seems like forever. I try to read a magazine but can’t stay focused. I keep looking at my engagement ring and think about Julian’s proposal. I walk back inside and pour another glass of wine. I turn on the TV and check my phone. There are no messages. At around seven o’clock I start to get agitated again. I’m not patient and this is so hard for me. I text Julian again.

  Alexa: Hey you.

  Thirty minutes goes by and I get no reply. I know because I’m watching the clock.

  Alexa: Julian, please call me or text me that you’re ok and that everything is ok. This isn’t normal and I’m worried.

  Ten more minutes goes by and still nothing. I can’t help but feel unnerved again. This isn�
��t like Julian. Even at his busiest he makes time for me. I can’t sit here and wait anymore so I put my glass in the sink, put my shoes back on, grab my keys, and head out the door. As I’m waiting for the elevator my phones rings and Julian’s face appears on the screen. My heart starts to race and I answer quickly.

  “Julian, are you okay? What’s going on? I’m freaking out.”

  I don’t tell him I’m just leaving his place. I’m not sure why, but I don’t.

  The voice that answers me back isn’t Julian’s. I mean it is, but it isn’t. He’s so drunk he’s slurring his words.

  “Lexie. I’m fine. Tranquila. Stop freaking out. I’ll call you later.”

  I open my mouth to reply when I hear Danny in the background.

  “Carajo, Julian, get off the phone. I told you not to call her.” The phone goes dead as either Julian or Danny hangs up on me.

  What the fuck? Okay. Stop and think. Obviously the whiskey was Julian’s. He’s drunk and he’s with Danny. Something bad happened. I’m sure of that now.

  I get into the elevator and without giving myself a chance to talk myself out of it, I push three. I’m going to Danny’s to see if they’re there. I knock and step to the side of the peep hole. I don’t want him to see it’s me. Something tells me he won’t answer the door if he sees me. My plan works and I hear the lock turning and see the door opening. I move and stand in front of Danny. The look of surprise on his face is blatant but he recovers quickly. He steps out of the door and shuts it behind him. He leans over and kisses me on the cheek. I can smell the whiskey on him, although he doesn’t appear to be drunk.

  “Alexa, hey, what are you doing here?”

  “I came to see Julian. I know he’s here so before you lie, don’t. He just called me and I heard you in the background.”

  “He was here but he left.”

  Really. Does he think I’m that stupid?

  “It was three minutes ago and he was too drunk to drive anywhere. So where did he go and who with?”

  I can almost see the wheels spinning in his head. He’s torn and it’s obvious. He likes me. He’s going to be my brother-in-law. He’s not a good liar so he’s at a total disadvantage here. “He left with Marco and they’re going to get something to eat.”

  He really is a bad liar.

  “Okay. I’ll wait for him then. Can I come in?”

  Danny can’t even look at me now because he knows I know he’s lying.

  “I’m not sure how long they’re going to be gone. I’d let you stay but I’m heading out too.”

  Okay, I’m done playing this game now.

  “This is fucking ridiculous Danny. Let me in. I know he’s here.”

  I try and reach around him to grab the door knob and he grabs my hand.

  I hear the emotion in his voice.

  “Lexie, I can’t. He’s here, but I’m not letting you in. He’s okay. He’s drunk but he’s okay. He’ll call you later. I promise.”

  Tears spring to my eyes. This is Julian we’re talking about. My fiancé. He doesn’t drink. He loves me.

  “I’m not leaving, Danny. This is crazy. What’s going on? Tell me please.” I sound desperate. I feel desperate. The memories of the night he came to my house and begged to come in make an appearance in my head and I think how similar this is. I was drunk and Marissa wouldn’t let him in. Now the tables are turned. The difference is that I didn’t do anything.

  “Lexie, please just go. Please.”

  “Tell me what’s going on and I will. I know you want to. I can see it in your eyes.”

  Danny looks me in the eyes and tells me the truth.

  “He doesn’t want to see you. It’s his decision, not mine. I’m so sorry.”

  I feel like he just punched me in the stomach and the tears I’ve been holding back all afternoon spill out and run down my cheeks.

  “Why, Danny? What happened? What did I do?”

  I see the pain in his eyes. He knows I’m about to be hurt and he doesn’t want to be the one to do it. It’s not fair to him and for a moment I feel badly for him. It’s just long enough for me to turn and walk as fast as I can toward the elevator. I’m shaking so badly I can hardly stand. My head is spinning. I have no idea what to think. I hurry through the lobby and to my car. I don’t turn the key in because I don’t want anyone to see how distraught I am. I get out of the parking garage as fast as I can before I change my mind and go back upstairs and make a scene. I shouldn’t be driving because I can hardly see through my tears. My heart is breaking. There’s no other explanation. He made a mistake and doesn’t know what to do. I’ve driven him to drink.

  I’m so glad to see both Marissa’s and Shannon’s cars in the driveway when I pull up. A month ago I would’ve wanted to be alone, but right now I need my friends. I burst into the house and find them both in the living room watching the Bachelor. They see my face and pause the TV.

  “Lexie, what’s wrong? What happened? Are you okay?” Marissa’s concern is evident.

  “No, I’m not okay and I don’t know what happened.”

  I tell them the story and they look as confused as I am. They’ve known me for years. They know I have great instincts when it comes to reading people and situations. They know my gut is usually right. They don’t even question my story or my assumption he’s regretting asking me to marry him. It’s the only explanation that makes any sense.

  Shannon tries to comfort me. “Maybe he just has cold feet. You guys haven’t been together for very long. He loves you. We all know that.”

  The tears start again. “I don’t know anything, Shannon.”

  They sit there with me and offer their quiet support. There really isn’t anything to say. After about an hour I get up and go into my room. It’s already ten o’clock. I can’t believe this day. It started out like it was from a dream as I rode the high of the weekend, and now it’s like a nightmare. I’ve been checking my phone all day and I continue to do it all night. I keep waiting for Julian to call and tell me this is all a big misunderstanding, because it has to be. But, the call never comes and by eleven I’m tired of waiting. I turn my phone off, take the beautiful ring Julian just gave me off of my finger, and cry myself to sleep.

  My sleep is restless and I have a nightmare for the first time in weeks. It’s a variation of my normal dream but Brady is replaced by Julian. I’m running, literally, around South Beach looking for him so we can talk. In the dream I’m always two steps behind him though, and I wake up in a sweat with tears on my cheeks. I never find him in my dream.

  I told my co-workers I wasn’t feeling well yesterday so it’s believable when I call in sick. After turning my phone on and seeing Julian hasn’t called or texted, it’s the truth anyway. It’s early and I’m able to leave a message. I just lie there and cry. There’s nothing else for me to do. I hear Marissa open my door to see if I’m awake and I pretend I’m asleep. That’s how the rest of the day goes too. I get up a couple times to get some water and to use the bathroom. I force myself to eat some crackers and a banana even though I have no appetite. This is so bad.

  Shannon comes in when she gets home from work to check on me. I tell her I want to be alone and she reluctantly agrees. I hear her tell Marissa on the way out my door that she’s worried about me. That makes two of us. I’m worried about me. Lauren texts me later in the day to see how I feel. I text back that I think I have the flu, and I most likely won’t be in tomorrow either. I keep my phone on until around eight before I turn it off again. I figure it being off is a great justification for why it’s silent.

  I don’t dream at night, but then again, I really don’t sleep.

  I get out of bed at five o’clock Wednesday morning and have to run to the bathroom. I’m sick to my stomach. My nerves are shot and I haven’t eaten since early yesterday. I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself. I haven’t seen this girl in a few months. But, she’s back. I’m dramatic and I know this about myself, but the reality is I can feel the proverbial walls
of my heart hardening. I can’t do this. I can’t be hurt like this again because I don’t think I’ll be able to recover this time. I dig deep and pull every single ounce of strength I have inside of me and prepare myself for whatever is about to come my way. I know I can’t hide out in my room forever so I make some tea, grab a blanket and lay down on the couch. I also leave a message for Ellen cancelling my appointment, again. I didn’t cancel for a year, and now it seems like a regular thing. I can’t deal with her questions tonight, especially when I have no answers. Marissa finds me there around six-thirty. She looks at me and knows nothing has changed. She asks anyway.

  “Did you hear from Julian?”

  I sit up and answer. “I turned my phone off around eight last night. I haven’t checked since then. At this point I’m not sure I want to talk to him.”

  “You’re going to have to eventually talk to him. Let him explain.”

  I feel the tears again.

  “He’s not calling Mari. Anyway, what can he say that’s going to make any of this okay? He asked me to marry him three days ago, and now he’s refusing to see me or talk to me. In what world is that okay or normal or explainable? I’ve wracked my brain trying to figure out what could’ve happened and I can’t. Nothing makes sense. I mean something happened after he dropped me off here on Sunday but for the life of me, I can’t imagine what it could be that would make him act this way.”

  “I’ve been thinking too. I know you don’t want to hear this but do you think Alejandra is involved? Or another woman?”

  “I thought about that. I doubt Alejandra is involved. I don’t know why, I just don’t see that. As far as another woman goes, I don’t see him cheating on me on the night after he asked me to marry him or on a normal Monday afternoon, but I guess it’s possible. If you would’ve asked me Sunday if I thought Julian would ever get drunk, avoid my calls, ask his brother to lie for him and refuse to see me, I would’ve said hell no. But that’s what’s happened.”