“A friend?” I repeated, then got a hold of myself. “No, no thank you.” I got up from my bed, put the statue into my closet, and turned my back toward Lewis’s effigy.
I didn’t deserve it.
• • •
Mr. Katcher was rubbing his hands together so hard I was afraid he’d start a fire.
“ARE YOU READY?” he practically bellowed. His mustache seemed to pick up the vibration of his words, wiggling like it was just as excited as he was. “Because it’s time, kids. The next two days of presentations will separate the men—and women—from the boys—and girls.”
He looked around the classroom with a big grin. Then he pulled a harmonica out of his pocket and blew a couple notes.
“Oh, it’s time for the science rodeo!
Saddle up your projects, it’s time to go . . .”
I instinctively turned around to catch Duddy’s eye. Mr. Katcher was such a weirdo! But Duddy glanced up at me, frowned, and then busied himself making some notes on the presentation he’d been obsessively straightening on his desk. Duddy and Ernie were first up at the science rodeo.
I really hoped they did okay.
Before school, I’d tried to run up to Duddy and apologize again for not showing up yesterday, but he’d just taken one look at me and walked away. Ike and Wendell had spotted me and surrounded him like bodyguards. It was the weirdest feeling. Duddy and I had been friends for a long time, and I couldn’t think of a single time he’d gotten mad enough to stop speaking to me.
I had been startled by how terrible it felt and how my eyes suddenly became, uh, really, really itchy.
But then Max had run up to tell me how the Todd-lians had improved overnight and how his new “water” act was really coming together, and by the way, he’d learned how to perform Toddlian CPR! It should have made me feel better, but instead it just reminded me that I’d let the Toddlians down. I comforted myself with the knowledge that Max and I would be presenting our project tomorrow, and then maybe I could get the Todd-lians back.
Now Mr. Katcher finished up his song—it ended with a big, “OHHHHH, SCIEEEEEENCE!”—and put down his harmonica. He wiped his brow and picked up a clipboard. “Okay,” he said, “first up are Duddy Scanlon and Ernie Buchenwald.”
I turned around to throw Duddy a sympathetic look, even though I knew he wouldn’t meet my eyes. But he and Ernie were already headed up to the front of the class. Duddy was holding a big foam-core fold-out poster, and Ernie was holding the biggest ant farm I’d ever seen in my life—more like an ant village, really.
They carefully arranged the stuff on Mr. Katcher’s desk—the posters had a bunch of close-up photos of ants and bore the headline ANTS ARE COOL!—then turned to face the class. Duddy looked calm, even proud. Ernie was even pinker than normal. But for once, he didn’t seem to be flushed with anger. He looked excited.
Duddy glanced down at his typed presentation and cleared his throat. “Ants,” he said loudly and confidently, looking out over the class, “are cool.”
Ernie nodded passionately behind him. “Acthually,” he added, “anth are bad-attthhhh.”
The class erupted in giggles, while Mr. Katcher held up his hand. “Ernie, watch your language.” Then he paused and frowned. “I mean, if you actually were saying . . .”
Ernie nodded again. “I wath and I’m thorry, Mr. Katcher,” he said, moving aside to gesture to the ant village. “But have you theen thethe thingth?”
Mr. Katcher smiled. “Why don’t you tell us a little about what makes them so cool, gentlemen?”
So they did. Duddy and Ernie covered all the familiar territory I’d heard a hundred times over years of science projects: ants are social creatures that form their own colonies; ants in the colonies have different jobs like worker, drone, or solider; ants communicate with one another and teach one another. But the whole time, Ernie looked so exhilarated, you’d think he was already on a carnival ride. When they finished telling us what made ants so cool, Duddy spoke about how they’d constructed the village.
“Our main challenge was encouraging them to build tunnels. Usually it takes a few weeks to get a good tunnel structure going. So we covered the two-liter bottle with black construction paper to fool them into thinking they were underground.”
Ernie nodded. “If we’d had a little more time, we could’ve glued Plexiglath together and ordered thome blue goo off the Anth R Uth webthite. That letth you thee the tunnels they build better. We’re going to try that neckth week.”
Next week?
Mr. Katcher smiled again. “Next week? So the two of you plan on continuing your ant research?”
Ernie glanced at Duddy, who nodded.
“Yeth,” Ernie replied, nodding. “Mithter Katcher, I’m not gonna lie. When Duddy wanted to do anth, I thought it might be boring. I don’t really like bugth or thienthe or learning. No offenthe.”
Mr. Katcher shrugged. “Well, you’re just being honest, Ernie. Go on.”
Ernie looked at Duddy, his face rosy with admiration. “But Duddy thowed me how awethome anth are. They’re not juth bugth you thquath for fun. They’re really thmart and do all kinth of cool thingth.”
Duddy grinned.
“In anth thothiety, there’th all kindth of order. Everyone knowth their plathe. I like that.”
Mr. Katcher nodded. “Perhaps, Ernie, you are an entomologist in the making.”
Ernie shrugged. “I dunno. My mom thayth I’m a Tauruth, but I don’t really believe in that thuff.”
Mr. Katcher raised an eyebrow as he made a mark in his notebook. “An entomologist studies insects, Mr. Buchenwald. And I am pleased to tell you that along with a new interest and friend, you have both gained an A for your presentation. Excellent work, boys.”
Ernie’s smile got so big I could see almost his entire retainer. Duddy was grinning too. All of a sudden Ernie turned around and grabbed him. My stomach clenched, but before I could jump up to try to save my friend, I realized that Ernie wasn’t tackling Duddy—he was hugging him. And Duddy was hugging Ernie back.
Ernie Buchenwald was Duddy’s friend.
And I wasn’t.
I felt a sharp tug on my scalp. “Hey!” I hissed. The girl seated in front of me turned around to shoot me a weird look, but then she noticed Max glaring at her, so she quickly turned away and began gathering her stuff for her presentation.
“Ants sound fascinating, Great Todd!” Lewis’s tiny, high voice reached my ear. “You did not tell me that your friend Duddy presides over a civilization as well! What are the chances?”
My eyes trailed Duddy and Ernie as they high-fived on the way back to their desks. On the other side of the room, I saw Max waving at me.
He’d pulled out the sock and was waving it around like he was trying to air it out. “Tomorrow!” he mouthed. “We’re going to kill it!”
I wanted to believe that he was right, that I had no reason to worry.
But unfortunately, it wasn’t our presentation that I was worried about.
CHAPTER 18
PERSEPHONE
Wooo doggies, I thought. I checked out my cowgirl getup in the long reflecting glass in Spud’s water closet. “Howdy, pardner. Yer gussied up awful purty tonight.”
I’d made myself some dandy chaps and a cowboy hat from tree leaves. I reckoned even the Duke himself would be impressed with the way I was rigged out.
I’d learned that my hero in the talkies Spud’s father was always watching was an hombre called John Wayne. He’d fought dozens of battles and was tougher than petrified jerky. I was gonna have to be tough, too, if I was gonna save my kin from the shenanigans of that sorry excuse for a god, Todd. He was full of sheep-dip, and I was plum wore out trying to parley with his lazy carcass. It was time to put up or shut up. He was big enough to gut me like a fish, but I had speed and smarts on my side.
I p
racticed the quick draw, whippin’ my six shooters out of their holsters slicker than greased lightnin’. “Stick ’em up, you dastardly cad!” I blew the smoke off the barrels and twirled them around a couple of times for good measure. All right, so they were really those spirally wires that hold papers together shaped into revolvers, but I could gouge Todd’s eyeballs with ’em if he didn’t look lively. And I would, too.
I could do more than jest sling a gun. I’d been schooling myself in the ways of the West. I’d herded and hog-tied crickets, even marked a few of them with the “Perky P” brand, and I could throw a rope and lasso anything that moved. I shimmied to the cabinet over the sink, coiled some dental floss, and threw it over my shoulder. There were plenty of teeth-picker arrows in my quiver, and I restrung my bow with fresh floss. Now to rustle up a ride.
He was waitin’ for me, right under yonder oak tree, packin’ away nuts like he had a holler leg. That fluffed-up tail of his twitched and fluttered in the breeze, and his big black eyes honed in. He’d scented me, and whatever happened, I couldn’t spook the critter.
I hid my lasso behind my back and pussyfooted through the grass, sweet-talkin’ him. “Now don’t you run, my purty fella. Why, you’ve got the nicest tail north of the border, and I jest want to git a little closer so’s I ken take a look-see. I’ve brought you a walnut,” I chittered at him. He chittered back that he was allergic to nuts and started to run fer the hills, but he was too late.
I grabbed the leaf and floss saddle I’d stashed in the grass and twirled my lasso.
“GERONIMO!”
CHAPTER 19
I was already feeling pretty low when I arrived home that day, and that was before I found out that Daisy had stolen half my erector set to construct some sort of elaborate slingshot thing on the kitchen floor. When I walked from my room into the kitchen to get a glass of milk, she was taking aim at Princess VanderPuff. I hadn’t even noticed the stuff was missing.
“Daisy!” I shouted, running over to pull the weapon away. “Don’t do it! You’ll just make Mom mad!” Daisy was always starting it with Princess VanderPuff. The heinous little canine knew Mom would kill her if she so much as disturbed a hair on Daisy’s head, which led to some admittedly entertaining moments of dog fury. But it usually backfired on either me or the living room rug, and either way, Mom got pretty bent out of shape at Daisy.
Daisy glared up at me and grumbled something in her baby language.
“Come on,” I said, pulling the weapon apart. “You know I’m right.”
But it’s useless to reason with a toddler. The minute I took apart her creation, she let out a category-five wail. She held up her hands at me, and then at the weapon, and issued a scream like I’d set her hair on fire.
The bathroom door slammed and Mom came rushing in, trailing toilet paper on her shoe. “Todd! What happened?” She ran over to Daisy and tried to pick her up, but the Toddling Terror was flopping around like a dying sea bass.
I held out the remains of the weapon. “She had this and was aiming it at the dog.”
Mom took one look at the slingshot and groaned. “Todd! I thought I told you to keep your erector set out of Daisy’s reach!”
I felt my face growing hot. I’d just saved my mother’s dog and possibly her rug, and this was the thanks I got? Besides: “Nothing is out of her reach!”
Daisy started kicking then, catching the leg of a kitchen chair and knocking it over, which sent Princess VanderPuff scurrying away. (Yeah, save yourself, I thought.) My mom threw up her hands and shouted, “Just go put it away, Todd!”
I was shaking with frustration, but I knew enough to do as she said. So I took the weapon and stomped off to my room, slamming the door behind me. I threw Daisy’s creation in the corner and walked over to my bed, ready to collapse onto it.
That’s when I heard the voices. “Persephone! Do not disrespect the Great Todd!” shouted a voice on my pillow. “Do you not know that is how we got into this trouble? We have angered him enough already. Climb down from there and let us discuss this rationally.”
“You ken lollygag around here if you want, hunkered down like a puppy in the sun, but I’m gonna take this bull by the horns. And this here tenderfoot’s gonna help me knock the tail feathers off that cocky rooster, Max. I don’t cotton to that varmint, I tell ya. He’s all rattles and horns.”
What was Persephone doing here? I cleared my throat and grabbed the micro-glasses off my nightstand. “Um, hello?”
“Oh no!” Lewis whispered. “The Great One’s here, Persephone. I was so absorbed in our conversation that I missed his magnificent approach! Now, please be respectful.” I felt him scurry onto my hand and up my arm, and when he spoke again, he used a louder voice. “Now what is your complaint, Persephone? I honestly cannot understand a word you are saying. How did you get here from Spud’s dwelling?”
“I lassoed me a critter to ride and hightailed it over. Had no choice, iffen we’re gonna save Herman. He’s as helpless as a cat with no claws. Dick may have squashed him like a roach, for all I know. And then there’s the rest of our gang. I ain’t seen hide nor hair of them since they were rounded up by Max.”
Lewis climbed up to his favorite perch on my shoulder. “What is that you are wearing?”
“You like it?” she asked. “This here’s a cowboy hat, these are chaps, and these silver doodads on my feet are called spurs. There weren’t no other way to save my own hide, nor Herman’s.” She did some kind of jig then, and my eyes flew open wide. “I clean up purty good, if I do say so myself. Purtier ’n a possum.” She twirled around.
It was then that I realized there was a series of toothpicks sticking out of my window frame, leading over to the bed. Each was attached to a long piece of floss, which was attached to the next toothpick arrow. Wow. Not only had Persephone escaped Spud’s clutches, she’d somehow managed to get all the way to my house, scale the brick wall, and zip-line to my bed with a toothpick and floss. I’d spawned a miniature Spider-Woman.
Well, at least two Toddlians were safe now. Only a jillion more to rescue. I sat down on my bed, careful not to squash Persephone, and leaned back, squeezing my eyes shut.
I heard a jingling sound, and next thing I knew, Persephone tugged at my eyelashes. “Oh no you don’t, tinhorn! This ain’t no time to rest. You think I ken skin that skunk Max all by my lonesome?”
I sat up again, and Lewis began climbing down my arm. “Please, Persephone,” he implored. “Think what you are saying. Is that any way to address a deity?”
“It is when he’s got beans for brains!”
Lewis groaned.
If she didn’t look so funny in her cowgirl getup I might have been mad. She obviously was. “I can see you’re upset,” I tried, “but I told you I’d get your people from Max after the science fair. Besides, you escaped, so what’s the problem?”
Persephone threw her hat on the covers and pointed a finger at my face. “This ain’t about me. I ken take care of myself. But who the blazes is gonna rescue Herman? His head is chock full of purty thoughts, but he ain’t got an ounce of gumption. Who’s gonna save him, I ask ya? We’re runnin’ clean outta time!”
I scratched my head. “This is a lot harder than you think. My friends—”
“Look, I know you don’t wanna go wakin’ snakes, and I don’t blame ya. Max and his posse are bad medicine. I don’t know why you hitched up with those hombres in the first place. But Herman and my buddies are holed up somewhere, frettin’ themselves like wet hens over what’s become of me, and I aim to find them, with or without ya.”
Lewis sighed. “Great Todd, please forgive Persephone.” He picked at the covers. “She is angry because I Skyped with her after you fell asleep last night and told her about the Flea Circus Redux.”
Persephone turned so red I could see it. “You’ll git me whipped up madder ’n a soggy hornet if you talk about that freak show, Le
w. Max is a snake-bellied sidewinder, and I’d like to horsewhip his ugly hide.” She picked up her hat and shook it at me. “And yers, too, if it’d do any good!”
Lewis ran over and clamped his hand over her mouth.
I shrugged. “Whadya want me to do?”
She pushed Lewis away. “Hanged if I know! That’s yer department. Yer the brawn round here. Pull yerself up by yer bootstraps and send those curs home with their dadblamed tails between their legs!”
I must have looked as wussified as I felt, ’cause she growled, “C’mon, Lewis. I ken see I’m barkin’ at the knot with this one. He wouldn’t touch this predicament with a ten-foot pole.” She yanked Lewis to his feet and stamped her boots like she was shaking off my dust. “If His High and Mightiness won’t help us, I reckon I’ll have to go find somebody who will.”
“You do that,” I snapped. “And good luck, because saving a civilization is a lot harder than you think.”
“Well, at least I aim to try!” she huffed.
“I am trying! I’m working on a plan right now, for your information.”
“Right.” Persephone grabbed the floss and started climbing toward the window. “While yer sittin’ on yer duffer makin’ plans, I’m gonna rustle up somebody who’ll take action. Lew,” she hollered from the windowsill, “iffen he mistreats ya, jest give me a yodel on the Skyper.” She shook her hat at me then disappeared into the dark with a “GERONIMOOOOO!”
Lewis plopped onto the bed and rested his head in his hands. I was pretty sure he thought I was a major weenie. That made two of us.
“Would you like some Dr Pepper?” I asked.
He shook his head and stood. “Great Todd, I hope you realize I still have faith that you will make the right decisions for your people.” He gave me a halfhearted smile. “I am certain you have a plan for the future that is in our best interest.” The little guy scaled my pillow and patted it. “You should rest now; you will need all your strength tomorrow for the science project presentation. Everything will look brighter in the morning’s light.”
By the Grace of Todd Page 10