However, it kind of feels comforting. Knowing we’re at that stage is both scary and nerve-racking, but for the first time ever, I don’t mind.
“Hey, Doll. How’s your day?” he asks as we talk on the phone.
“It’s great. Been doing some cleaning. How’s yours?” I clean up clothes off my bedroom floor as we talk.
“Busy. Studying for these bloody midterms.” He sighs.
“How about you come over after your class, and I’ll help you…relax.”
“Hmm…” I can hear the smile in his voice. “That’s very tempting, but I have study group this afternoon.” He sounds worn down, and I feel bad for him. When we aren’t together or just chillin’ at the apartment, he constantly has his nose in a book.
“Are you sure you have to go? I’ll make it worth your while…” I say seductively.
“Trust me, Doll. I’d do anything to be with you right now. But these girls are hounding me.”
I halt in my steps. “Um…girls? Hounding you? Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?”
I hear him chuckle and it pisses me off. I know he has classes with other girls. I’m not delusional, but to hear him talk about them, and having to work with them, makes me insanely jealous.
“Hounding me to get our project done,” he clarifies. “We have a group presentation due on Friday.”
I shuffle clothes around and find some of Drew’s. Seriously…what is he leaving in? I throw them over my arm to add them to the dirty pile when something drops out of the pocket.
I lift the foil packet off the floor, giving it a good look. We haven’t been using condoms in months. He’s the only guy I’ve ever gone bareback with, so why in the hell does he have a condom in his pants pocket?
Rage overcomes me as I think about why he would possibly have a condom. We never said we were exclusive…are we exclusive? He’s made it clear several times we’re together, but does that officially mean anything?
I haven’t slept with another guy since our first night together, so I had assumed he wasn’t sleeping around either.
“So, umm…you’ll be with the study group all night then?” I ask cautiously. I’m doing my best not to give the jealous girl act, but it’s really fucking hard right now. I want to ask him about the condom, but I don’t want to accuse him.
“Yeah…we have to do some research and build a PowerPoint together. Then discuss who’s speaking when. It’s bloody stupid, but whatever, it’s our midterm grade.”
“Oh,” is all I say. I continue staring at the condom in my hand. Do I say something?
“I can swing by afterward…” he offers with hope in his voice.
“Um…” I stare at the condom once more before tossing it on the dresser. “No, no, that’s okay. You worry about getting your work done.”
“Okay, Doll. I gotta run.”
We exchange goodbyes and I collapse on the bed. God, I hate this feeling. It’s new and foreign, and I don’t know what to do with it. Jealousy, rage, anxiety—all mixed together along with a tightness in my chest. Is that what it feels like? I’ve never felt insecure like this before. My heart is screaming at me to calm the fuck down, that Drew is into me as much as I’m into him. However, my head is screaming cheater, cheater!
I grab up his pants, condom, shit from the bathroom and coat closet, and I shove it all into the bag he left behind. I can’t let him move in under my nose without me knowing! I need to know the truth without asking him…
* * *
I clean my apartment until it smells like Mr. Clean orgasmed everywhere. It hasn’t been this clean in…ever. I’ve never had this much on my mind before. Nothing has ever bothered me the way this is bothering me now.
Now that I’m done cleaning, Drew is consuming my mind. I want to know what he’s doing, who he’s with, if he’s thinking of me.
Oh my god…I have gone from confident to insecure…
It’s almost dinner time, and I know he’s probably still with his study group, but I can’t resist texting him anyway just to find out for sure.
Carissa: How was class?
Drew: Boring. I miss u.
Carissa: Really?
Drew: Of course. I always miss u, Doll.
My heart clenches as I read his text messages. I can hear his voice in my head as I read his responses, and it makes me wish I could grab him through my screen and kiss him.
Carissa: So when were u going 2 tell me u moved in?
I hesitate before hitting send, but I think he’ll see the humor in it. I’m not one for jumping down someone’s throat over nothing, but I need to get to the bottom of this.
Drew: Ur smart. I knew you’d figure it out. ;)
Ugh…what a cocky son-of-a-bitch. Perfect time to slip in the condom question.
Carissa: So will ur other gf be moving in with us 2?
That should confuse the hell out of him.
Drew: What other gf?
Carissa: The one ur using a condom with. Found it in ur pants pocket. U need it back?
I know I’m being a bitch, but it’s the only way. I can’t let him think it’s affecting me if he is seeing someone else. This is exactly why I need to be guarded.
Drew: I’m not seeing anyone else, if that’s what you’re thinking.
Carissa: Idc. Do what you want.
Drew: Can I come over?
Carissa: I’m busy tonight. Thought u had study group anyway.
I don’t know how to do this…
I don’t know how to be this girl. I’m not supposed to cling to him. I learned that lesson from my first boyfriend, Damon, who I clung to and only ended up getting my heart smashed. All the worrying and stressing over what Damon was doing without me, who he was flirting with, or worse, who he was sleeping with behind my back practically gave me an ulcer. Sure, we were the it couple in school, but that was it. He used me and dumped me.
But Drew—I know he’s different. I’ve let him in deeper than I’ve ever let any guy in before. I’ve let him in so far that I know I’m falling for him. These strong feelings I have for him go way deep into my soul. I can barely function some days without him. It’s like clinging to Damon all over again.
I expect Drew to text back and fight to come over, but he doesn’t. In fact, he doesn’t text back at all. The silence is worse than any bullshit he was going to try and feed me in order to make me believe he’s not seeing anyone else.
If we haven’t used a condom in months, why else would he have it? There has to be legit reason, but I can’t think of one.
I toss my phone on the kitchen counter and decide to get in the shower. Cleaning all day has made me feel sweaty and gross. Plus, I needed to get him off my mind.
I turn the knob to a scorching-hot level, letting the steam fill the room before I jump in. I stand completely still under the showerhead, allowing the water to run down my body. I can’t think. I can’t move. And for the first time in months, I let myself cry.
I’m not sure why, but I just need to. I always hold everything in, and now it’s just too much. Velaney moving away has been harder on me than I realized. We talk on the phone a couple times a week and text, but it’s just not the same without her here. I’m happy and proud of her. I’m happy that she’s happy, but I miss my best friend. I miss my other half.
I think about the last few months with Drew. They’ve been incredible. We have a blast together, and although I know it’ll be coming to an end, I’ve allowed myself to fall for him.
I give Laney updates whenever she asks, but I try not to tell her too much. The more I talk about him out loud, the harder it is. There’s a part of me that’s holding back, unwilling to give myself to him completely.
It can’t last.
No matter what scenario I play in my head, Drew and I won’t last. We can’t. He’ll be here for two more months, and then he’ll graduate. And then what? I’m left to pick up the broken pieces of my heart…alone.
And should I really be surprised? Coup
les like Laney and Eric don’t happen very often. She comes with as much emotional baggage as I do, yet she was able to find someone. Someone who loved her know matter what fucked up situation they found themselves in, someone who stuck by her even when she pushed him away, someone who gave her everything she always wanted—love.
The scary part—Drew could be that person for me. But thousands of miles will eventually separate us.
The more I analyze this whole thing, the harder I sob. I spin around and put both hands on the shower wall, letting the water cascade down my back. I try to breathe slowly and get my crying under control, but it only gets worse.
The sobs are so loud, I don’t hear the shower door swing open. At this point, I pray it’s an axe murderer who will just take me out of my damn misery.
“Carissa.” I hear Drew’s voice from behind me. I don’t move, letting him comfort me by wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me in close. My hands continue to keep me up, otherwise I’d be on the shower floor in the fetal position by now.
“Shhh…” he whispers, rubbing my head. “Please don’t cry.”
His voice is so soothing, it calms me. I spin around and face him, getting a full view of his bare muscular body. It’s hard not to gasp every time I see him naked—between the tattoos and muscles, he’s breathtaking.
“What are you doing here?” I finally ask.
“I came to see you. I want to explain. I knew by your messages that you were thinking the worst,” he explains genuinely, rubbing a hand over my wet cheek.
“You don’t have to explain anything. It’s not like we’re bound together by marriage. You’re free to do whatever you want,” I say, choking back a sob because it hurts to even think about him being with anyone else.
“I’m not seeing anyone else but you. It’s only always been you, Doll. I carry a condom in my pocket because I want to be safe and smart. If one day you decide you want us to use one again, I want to be prepared.” He pauses, smiling down on me. “I don’t ever want to assume anything with you, so I carry it with me just in case.”
“You carry a condom in your pocket every day?” I ask, shocked.
“Yes. Because honestly, it reminds me of you when we aren’t together. I know it’s stupid, but it reminds me of what we have, our connection, and how close I feel to you when we’re together. Not using them reminds me how intimate things are with us. I’ve never had that with anyone else before. Ever.”
My heart is racing so fast, it takes me a second to comprehend what he just said. No one’s ever said anything like that to me before, and I have no idea how to respond. It’s unbelievable and incredible, and I just want to kiss his mouth until our lips are bruised and swollen.
He cups my face with both hands and leans in, gently kissing me. It’s soft and sweet and over way too soon.
“I love you, Carissa. I’ve been in love with you. You’ve changed me in such a way, I don’t know how I’ll ever be the same again. I don’t know how I’m going to leave you in two months, and I definitely don’t know how I’m going to ever be able to go a day without you. But I do know one thing, and that is that I love you.”
I gasp at his words. I’m stunned, silent, and I can’t make words form to respond. I’ve never heard those words before except from Velaney. She’s the only one who’s ever loved me for me. But this…him…this is different.
I continue staring up at him in complete shock. This was never supposed to turn into something. He was just supposed to be a flame, a one-night stand, a drunken mistake. But he wasn’t. And if I’m being honest with myself, he never was.
He grabs me, kissing me fiercely. The kiss is sweet and tender, and I know his words are true. He loves me.
I fight with myself on saying it back, but I want to be sure before I say the words. I want to be able to look him in the eyes and tell him with confidence that I love him, too, but how will I know? I’ve never felt love before. So is this what love feels like or is there more? Have I been in love with him this whole time?
“Stop,” he whispers, breaking the kiss.
I blink a few times and look up at him. “Stop what?”
“Stop thinking. Stop over-analyzing. Just let me. You don’t have to say it back, that’s not why I said it. I said it because it’s the truth, and I mean it. I said it because I wanted you to know. Do you understand?” His eyes mesmerize me as he continues looking deep into my soul.
I nod, feeling relief. He smiles and kisses me once more before looking back at me. “We should get out before all the hot water is gone.”
I almost let him, but with a split-second thought, I stop him. I grab him and bring his mouth back down to mine. I kiss him, deep and aggressive, hinting as to what I want—what I need from him.
I wrap my arms around his neck as he grabs my ass and lifts me up. My legs automatically cling to him, wrapping around his waist. He backs me up against the shower wall, and I can feel how ready he is for me.
He slowly enters me as I continue holding on to him. He has one hand on the wall, holding us up and the other under my ass, holding us together. He thrusts in and out of me slower than ever before. It’s sensual, and for the first time ever, we make love. It’s more than sex, and definitely more than just fucking. I can feel the emotion in him as he releases inside me, kissing me tenderly as we both orgasm together.
16
The next couple of weeks go by flawlessly. Our connection is stronger than ever, and although it scares me, I go with it. I love being around him and don’t want to ruin it by being overly emotional and sad.
Drew’s mom has been calling a lot lately. She’s really excited for him to finally be coming home after four long years. I understand her excitement, I really do, but it makes me incredibly sad.
“Yes, mum. Everything’s in order.” I hear Drew speak to her again as she continuously worries about him flying home safely. He’s graduating in six weeks and will be flying out three days later. I don’t like thinking about it. I’m doing my best to just enjoy the moment, enjoy the rest of my time with him. “Okay, mum. Hold on.”
He covers up the phone and leans in. “She wants to speak to you,” he whispers. I lean back, shaking my head vigorously as he shoves the phone in my direction. “Just say hi.”
I reluctantly grab it and clear my throat before speaking. “Um…hi, Miss…” Oh god, I’m so nervous, I completely forget her name.
“Oh, call me Hilary, dear.”
“Hilary, sure. Hi,” I respond nervously.
“Drew has told me a lot about you. He speaks very highly of you, and I just wanted to tell you how happy it makes me to know he has you while he’s away from home. And thank you for being good to him.” Her words are sincere, and I finally relax. She wants to thank me? “I know it’ll be hard for Drew to leave.”
“I’m glad to have met him. And I’ll be sad when he leaves, too,” I reply honestly. I’m not quite sure what to say or what she wants, so I leave it at that.
“Drew told me what you did together for Christmas, and I was so happy to hear he wasn’t alone this year.”
Velaney and I don’t celebrate holidays. We lounge in front of the TV with Chinese takeout and watch chick flicks. This past Christmas, Laney was still recovering from her hospital stay over Thanksgiving and with her being pregnant, Eric was pretty protective of her.
Since Drew was on school break, we bunkered down and hid in the apartment for three days. It was the first time I ever made a “Christmas meal” but I had wanted it to be special for him.
However, that didn’t exactly happen.
I wrapped an apron around my waist as I rolled up my sleeves. I had no idea what I was doing, but I was going to at least try. I found some recipes online that looked simple enough. Laney was up in Eric’s apartment, spending the day with him, doing god knows what.
I bought a ham and some special glaze that was supposed to be good. I even bought a sack of potatoes so I could boil and mash them. I found a jar of gravy and a can
of vegetables. I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right, but the recipes were the most popular I found online.
“So what are you making?” Drew wrapped his arms around my waist as I stirred gravy over the stove.
“Well, if I do this right…dinner.” I grinned.
“It smells amazing,” he whispered in my hair, his hands getting grabby. “You look sexy like this. A man could get use to this.”
I laughed. “Ha, don’t get used to it. This is a one and only one time experience.”
“Well, seeing as this is a one time thing, we better make it worthwhile.” He kissed my neck, making my eyes roll to the back of my head. My body melted every time he did that.
And well, before I knew it, we were stripping each other’s clothes off as Drew sat me on the dining room table. I ended up only wearing the apron, per Drew’s request, and before we knew it, everything burned.
I’m not sure what he told his mother we did that day, but it was in fact a very Merry Christmas.
She continues to thank me for being there for Drew, and although she’s pleasant and nice, it makes me feel bad. I feel awful that I’m wishing he would stay when he has a mother back home waiting for him. You can feel the love she has for him. She’s also incredibly proud of his accomplishments, and it really makes me wonder what his home life was like.
We exchange “nice talking to you” and “goodbyes.” I silently hand Drew his phone back. I don’t know what to say, but I feel like I’ve taken a step I’ve never taken before.
Speaking to your boyfriend’s mom might not seem like a big deal, but for me, it’s a huge deal. Not speaking to my own parents makes this incredibly hard. It’s not that I have any desire to speak to them, but a part of me feels envious at how great his mother is.
“She seems really great,” I finally say, breaking the silence.
“She is. She has a big heart but worries a lot.”
“I-I had no idea you were telling her about me,” I stammer, nervously.
“Of course I have.” He smiles wide then shrugs. “She got it out of me.”
FLAME (Spark Series) Page 14