by MK Moore
My father killed my mother, Carrie. And then himself in a fit of jealous rage over a co-worker of my mothers. As I got older, I realized that those traits are in me and I swore I would never allow myself to be in that type of a situation.
But I must be honest, the night we spent together I felt those emotions stirring in me. I was more than willing to fight them to be with you. But when you left, you took what little I had to give with you. See Carrie, I need things I can figure out. Puzzles with a map included. And you are not something I can wrap my head around. But my son, he will always be the tangible thing I never let go of. Do you understand what I am saying?”
For a second, she sits there not looking at me, breathing in and out. I wonder at first if I have scared her with the info about my parents, but when she finally looks at me and I see the pain in her eyes for a brief second; I know I am the one who wounded her with my words. The pain only shows fleetingly and then it is replaced with stoic determination.
“Yes Dex. I get what you’re saying. I am sorry you had to go through that at so young an age. And I am sure your parents loved you and your brothers and sister. But for the record, I do not for one second believe you would hurt me. Be that as it may, I get your point loud and clear and I must say I find it a bit presumptuous of you to assume I want a relationship with you. As far as I am concerned, we can work out an agreement for DJ and that will be that.”
I know I set the ball in motion, but somehow having her agree to it so easily and without emotion hurts worse than even the memory of my parents. Hearing her say that is like having the air in my lungs sucked through a vacuum hose on hyper speed. I want to tell her fuck that because she belongs to me, but I don’t. I said what I said, and I meant it.
“Now if you will excuse me Dex, I need to get DJ home and ready for dinner and bed. If you call me tomorrow, we can talk further. Have a nice night.”
And with that she walked out of my apartment. But I couldn’t help feeling she was walking out of my life as well.
3 Months Later
The past three months have been tenuous. Carrie and I engaged the help of a mediator to work out a custody arrangement. Although, I know she would never try and keep my son from me, I needed a tangible document to tell me it was so. At the end of it all, I agreed to pay child support and she gave me every other week with one weekend a month. I thought it would be an adjustment being a dad, but it has been easier than I thought. Maybe because my son is the cutest, sweetest, and most precious thing I have ever come across. There is nothing I will not do for him.
As far as Carrie goes, that is another story. I am conflicted when it comes to her and it is pissing me off, because I literally see her every day at work. It has me seeing red when guys come into the shop and flirt with her. Every instinct in me is demanding I go and take her, ink my brand on her and to let every swinging dick that comes in know she belongs to me. It is those very emotions that force me to keep her at a distance. The emotions she invokes in me are dangerous. So, I will continue to stay away until I can handle it.
In the meantime, I am getting my little man ready for the BBQ at Max Crawford’s house to welcome his wife, Rosy back home after having been in a coma from delivering her babies.
“Come on little man. Let’s get your shoes on to go see everybody. Can daddy get a kiss?” My heart constricts and leaps out of my chest every time he leans in and puckers his lips for me. I lean forward and kiss him. Grabbing and holding him to me, I am silently letting him know I will lay my life down for him. When he starts struggling for me to let him go to get down and run into the living room, I put him down and watch my heart run out of the room. I cannot help wondering how my parents can claim to love us but leave us orphans.
Finally pulling in to the BBQ, I get my squirmy little man out and laugh because he is so excited to see his mama and his aunt Kitty. He and Kitty have become quite close and he loves the lemon zinger cookies she bakes him. I walk in and speak to everyone as I go, looking for my beautiful girl along the way. I see my little sister sitting in the chair, ready to pop and drop that load any day. She waves frantically for me to bring her DJ. As I go towards her, I see Torran Jorgensen talking to Carrie and my mind seizes up. I literally, cannot process anything at that moment but anger and territorial haze. Torran Jorgensen is a notorious playboy and I cannot let Carrie fall into his trap. I hear nothing, see nothing but the words, MINE. MINE. She is fucking mine.
Even if I am not ready to do anything about it.
There are no words to express the sorrow I feel at the traumatic story Dex told me about his parents. My heart is broken for the little family they left behind. Dex’s every move is restrained by what happened. I wish I knew how to help him.
With this information, I understand the solemn state at Kitty and El’s wedding last weekend. The ceremony was moving and of course I cried. Witnessing their love is nothing short of a blessing. Of course, Dex is hot as hell in a tux, but Kitty’s side of the church was only her siblings. I never thought to ask her, and she didn’t offer anything up.
The BBQ is hopping and Rosy looks good for someone coming out of coma. I am still holding on to all thirty-five pounds I gained with DJ and I am not as confident as I once was. I think it shows. As soon as Dex walks in with a sleeping DJ my chest starts to constrict, but I know what I am doing. I think. Torran seems like the best way to get what I want and what I want is Dex.
I want him above me, pushing his massive cock in and out of me. Owning me. Like he did all those months ago. The shiver that runs through me is delicious. I am remembering all the ways he took me that night and how he made me feel like a Goddamn queen. Sexy and powerful. Feminine and wild. My heart beats faster as Dex’s eyes reach mine.
Since I know he is looking, I put my hand on Torrans forearm. I haven’t heard a word he’s said. Not one. If there was a pop quiz, I wouldn’t even know what the subject was. I feel a little bit bad about using him, but from what I know he’s never met a woman who said no before. So, maybe he should be taken down a peg or two.
Dex is on us in a minute. I did not expect him to push Torran, but he does. It is very caveman of him. I, fucking love it. I almost moan out loud, but I cover it with a cough. He pulls me by the arm out of the room.
I toss a wink and a smile at Penny to ease the concern that is clear on her face. She smiles back at me. He pulls me into one of the bedrooms down the hall. If he didn’t have DJ in his arms, I am not sure I wouldn’t climb him like a tree. I school my features before he turns to face me.
“Can I help you? I was a little bit busy.” I ask, putting my hands on my hips.
“What are you doing?” He demands.
“I have no idea what you mean.” I ask playing coy.
“Torran is an asshole. He’s not good enough for you.”
“I think I will figure that out for myself.” I make to leave the room, but his grip on my arm tightens. I love the burn and hope it leaves a mark. His mark.
I don’t want to do it this way, but I do want him to want me. When I lay in bed at night my mind races. I touch my pussy thinking about him, but I end up frustrated. It isn’t enough. I am about to lose my mind.
“The hell you will.”
“I don’t understand what this all about. You have made it clear you don’t want me. How can I move on if you won’t fucking let me?”
“I never said I didn’t want you. I said I couldn’t figure you out.”
“In your mind it’s the same fucking thing.” I accuse.
“You frustrate me beyond logic.” He says.
I shrug. “That isn’t my problem, Dex.”
“It is. You are making it that way. Teasing me like that. Do you know what happens when you tease me?”
“I can imagine.” I say, glancing at DJ still sleeping in Dex’s arms. My womb is screaming at me that it is open for business. More babies with Dex? That is about the only thing I can think about. I want to murder all the tiny hot girls who beg to be tattooed by him.
Three days ago, when his 12 o’clock appointment came in it was a for a butterfly tattoo on her pussy. It took almost all day to do and I wanted to die the whole time it was happening. I was so jealous. It did make me feel better, when she left he didn’t have a hard on and he washed his hands three times. Even though he had gloves on.
“I don’t think you can.”
“Then show me.” I say boldly. “Take me home and show me.”
I can tell from the stricken look on his face he wasn’t expecting me to say that.
“I, uh, can’t do that.”
“I see. Give me my son.” I say. He transfers him over to me and he stays asleep.
“Don’t drive off with him, mad at me.” He says.
“You know what Dex? I am not mad. I am sad for you. You are stuck in the past. Try not to let one terrible mistake your father made ruin your life any more than it already has. Grow the fuck up. You know me. You know everything important there is to know about me. I am not a fucking puzzle. There was two of us there that night. We had just as much information as the other. I didn’t purposely try to deceive you. If you cannot man up like you did with DJ, then leave me alone. I am not going to stay single forever.” I am almost shouting at him and now I don’t hear the music from the living room anymore. Thank God, DJ is a heavy sleeper.
“So, now you want me?” He asks. I feel like his crisp pale blue eyes are piercing my soul. I need to choke down the tears of frustration that are clawing at my throat.
“When have I not, Dex? You are still the only man I have been with.” And that is the way it will stay. I just can’t deal with that shit.
“What? You said you didn’t?”
“No, I said it was presumptuous of you to assume that I did. That is definitely not the same thing. If I had said that I wanted you three months ago, would you have changed your mind?”
“Jesus, you are a frustrating woman. I would not have changed my mind.
I laugh. “Figures. See you Saturday. Dex will be ready at the mediated time.” I shake my head.
“I did that to protect both of us.”
“Keep telling yourself that, Dex. Maybe you will believe it one day.”
I pull the bedroom door open and head back into the kitchen. Everyone is staring at me. Good thing I don’t get embarrassed easily. I tell Kitty and the rest of the girls that I am leaving.
“You okay?” Kitty asks, kissing my cheek.
“No, but I will be.” I assure her.
When I get to my car, I buckle DJ in and climb into the driver’s seat before pulling out. Then I let the tears that have been building for the last thirty minutes silently fall.
Why does everything feel so hopeless? I thought he was going to be my prince, maybe I was wrong.
Fuck.
I know she is right. I would have to be a dumbass not to know she is absolutely, right. But not about everything. I know she is right about not being able to stop her from moving on. And that fucking pisses me off. The thing is I am not a douche. If she found someone who could make her happy and he was a decent dude, I could probably…well maybe…. I would try……. No, fuck that. She is mine. DJ and Carrie, belong to me. Even if I don’t want to admit it yet.
Maybe I am a douche, because I would sabotage every relationship she tried to have until I was ready to take her. Deep down I know it’s wrong, but I cannot let another man raise my son with her. My woman. My destiny. But trying to fight decades of fear, hurt, and betrayal is not turning out to be as easy as I thought it would be. No matter what she says, she confuses the fuck out of me. I don’t know how to get past that. Ya know.
The thing is I want to. I want to move past the things blocking me, so I can claim my family and make it like it should be. But I don’t know where to start. Miles. I pick up the phone and call my brother, because he is the only person that knows where I am coming from and can understand my reticence. But he also gives the best advice and my brother will always want what is best for me.
“Hey Dex. Hold on.” He says in a gruff voice, leading me to believe I woke him up. This would be impossible because Miles basically doesn’t sleep. However, the next thing I hear over the phone is a woman say, “Baby is everything ok?” My eyebrows shoot up because she called him, baby. I knew he was seeing someone, but for her to be comfortable enough calling him a nickname means he has seen her more than once. His response though, is what has me coughing and choking on my own shock.
“Yea sweetheart. Everything is fine. My little brother is on the phone. Go back to sleep. Give me your mouth.” He says.
Holy shit. Miles is in a relationship. You could knock me over with a wooden nickel. I never thought I would see the day. He is more fucked up than the rest of us I thought, because he is the oldest and saw the most. But somehow, he has managed to overcome it and trust himself. And someone else. That gives me hope and lets me know I am doing the right thing coming to him.
“OK. Sorry about that li’l bro. What’s up? Everything ok? How’s DJ?” I smile immediately, because my brother has taken being an uncle very seriously like everything else in his life. More often when I go to pick up DJ, Carrie will answer the door with, “Miles got him already.” I always laugh because that is typical Miles.
“DJ is fine. I didn’t mean to wake you.” I totally don’t care about waking him, but I want to see if he is going to tell me about his lady.
“It’s cool. Just relaxing. So, did you call to shoot the shit, or do you need something?” And back to serious Miles. Oh well. Might as well get to it.
“I need help Miles. Actually. I need help with Carrie. I am stuck in the fear and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to miss my opportunity to have everything with her, but I cannot seem to find my way out of the darkness.” he is silent for a minute and I feel like he is going to tell me man up or something. But I am surprised when he replies in a totally not Miles type of way.
“I was waiting for you to finally be ready.” Whoa.
“Ready for what exactly?”
“To live the life, you deserve.” What the hell. Who is this person and what have they done with my brother?
“Say what, now?” I know what he is saying, but I cannot seem to process what Miles is saying. I know I came to him for help, but this is so not what I thought I would be getting from him.
“Dexter. Each of us carries a part of what happened with us in our own way. Me, I chose to live my life without love and a family other than you three, because I didn’t trust myself and I don’t trust others. However, I was wrong and so are you. What happened to mom and dad is not something that is common when dealing with matters of the heart. And even though we do carry their genes, I believe we are all at the end of the day responsible for our own actions and destiny.” He tries to explain to me.
“Now for your situation. I understand your hesitation at trust, because you never really got to know her. You started backwards and that’s unfortunate, but you started nonetheless. So, all you can do is go forward in a way you feel comfortable with, without sacrificing your chance at happiness. So, take the end and bring it to the beginning to meet in the middle.”
Ok now he has lost me. “What the hell. Miles I don’t know what the hell you just said and besides that, what the fuck has gotten into you? Or should I say who?” I demand.
I can see in my mind he has the urge to tell me to mind my own damn business. Which is a typical Miles response, but he once again shows me I don’t know the new him when he says, “Well yea. I know I haven’t always been the most supportive or easy to talk to, but I finally found someone who makes me want to be different. We found each other, both flawed and running from our own happiness until we found what we needed with each other. One Day soon I promise I will introduce you all to her. But the point is, date her Dex. Take her out and spend time together without DJ. Get to know her. Find out all the things you don’t know, so you can focus on the things you do know.”
I lift my eyebrow because right
now he is sounding like fucking Obi Wan Kenobi and shit. I honestly don’t know what to say, so in my smartass voice I say. “Oh, yea and what is that?”
“That you love her, she loves you and you were meant to be together. Asshole.” I chuckle. There he is.
“So. You straight now. Can I go back to my woman?”
“Yea. I’m straight. Thanks, big bro. By the way. You did the best you could raising all of us after they were gone. It couldn’t have been easy for you being 23 years old raising a 13, a 6, and a 1 year old. But you did it and you never complained. We noticed man. And we love and appreciate you.”
“Thanks man. I don’t regret doing it. Mom and dad would have wanted it that way. Now man up and go get your girl.”
With that he hangs up and I have clarity. For the first time since Carrie and my son walked into my life, I can see a clear path and it makes me optimistic. Now for step 1.
“Hi Dex. What’s going on?” I need to close my eyes for a second, because her voice is like balm to my soul. It has been. Even over these three months.
“Hey. Nothing. I just wanted to know if you would go out with me? Nothing fancy. To dinner and maybe to talk.” I hold my breath because she has every right to say no, but if she loves me half as much as I love her, I am praying she will say yes.
“Like a date?”
“Yea baby. Like a date.” I chuckle.
“What took you so long. Jerk. Of course, I will.” She replies
Thank fuck.
It does not seem possible, but you would think I should not be nervous. I mean, he has already been inside me. Even if I do think it is somehow different. I wonder if what I said made a difference or if he had outside help, who may have hit him over the head with a baseball bat. Either way it doesn’t matter. I am overjoyed that he is trying.