by Tracy Ewens
“Ella,” he called out.
If ever there was a testament to her love for the child, it was then because she somehow managed a smile. She would probably smile at him if she were trapped in a pit full of snakes. Maybe not then, but she cared so deeply for him that though she could cut the awkward with a knife, she walked over and met his hug.
“Congratulations, graduate. How was it?”
His hands were moving even before the words came out. “You know, most of it was boring speeches, but it was still cool. I’m officially a freshman in high school.”
“Yes, you are. So proud of you.” She leaned in and kissed his cheek. Mason blushed.
“We missed you. How was work?”
Ella was prepared with a token answer, and then Boyd finally looked up from the glass he’d been staring at and all her words were gone.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ella stepped closer to the table and extended her hand to Claire with such purpose Boyd almost fell back in his chair.
“I’m Ella. You must be Mason’s mom.”
“I am.” Claire stood in a waft of perfume and sophistication to take Ella’s hand. “I’ve heard so much about you from Mason.”
Her gaze cut to Boyd as if to say, “I wish I could say the same,” but she quickly returned to small talk with Claire all while fielding questions from their overly caffeinated son. Boyd sat there like he was watching a movie and he was clueless about the ending. It never occurred to him in that moment that he had the ability to affect the outcome, to stand up and kiss the woman he was in love with and tell her right there in front of everyone he’d been a complete ass to cut her out of an important day.
“I’m picking Mason up for our week together. Start of summer. I thought I was going to miss his graduation, but I had some things fall off my schedule and voilà. I’m here.”
“Voilà.” Ella’s eyes went wide, and Boyd continued to feel like a world-class idiot. “That is… so great. I’ll bet Mason is thrilled to have you early and… Boyd too.”
“That may be an overstatement. Does Boyd do thrilled?”
Ella let out a strangled laugh that sounded more like a bark. The whole thing was painful and yet he did nothing to stop it.
“Mason and I are leaving in the morning for Los Angeles,” Claire said. “I’ve rented a convertible and everything.”
“I had no idea you were going to LA for a week.” Ella directed her attention back to Mason. “That’s awesome. Take lots of pictures.”
“I’ll text you.”
“Sounds good.”
Claire gestured for her to sit.
“Oh, no thank you.” She glared at Boyd this time. “It was great to meet you, Claire, but I’m only here to pick up dinner after a long shift and then I’m off to bed. Have a great rest of your night.”
“Pleasure meeting you too, Ella.” Claire reached over and touched Mason’s hand as Ella stepped back.
Boyd wondered how many shades of screwed up this was. Was Claire threatened? Was that possible?
“Mase, say hello to LA for me,” Ella said.
He stood to say goodbye, and Boyd finally pushed back from the table and stood too. He couldn’t remember feeling more ridiculous, and that included high school. Mason gave her a hug while Boyd stood silent. She squeezed Mase back and then pulled away as if she was in pain. He’d caused that pain. By doing nothing, he’d hurt her, and that weight sat squarely on his chest.
“Boyd,” she said with a quick nod in his direction before grabbing the bag on the bar, waving to Cade, and leaving through the side door.
Mason flopped back in his chair and chewed a mouthful of fries, oblivious to what had just gone on.
“She seems nice,” Claire said.
“She’s awesome.” Mason scrunched his brow. “Dad, was she acting a little weird?”
Boyd nodded and looked toward the bar as if Cade could somehow rescue him. Yeah, he was on his own for this one.
“Oh, God. Are you two dating?” Claire rarely missed these kinds of things. “That’s why it felt weird. You’re… together.”
Boyd started to shake his head and then got tired of feeling like an asshole.
“They’re friends,” Mason said. “Friends who like each other a lot, but Dad is only admitting the friend part.”
“That is not true. Yes, we are together. New, it’s new and none of your business. Either of you. So, what were we talking about?”
“Did you need to go after her?” Claire asked.
“No. I need to finish this dinner without discussing my private life. That’s what I need to do.”
“Jeez, sorry,” Mason said.
Ella had finished the double cheeseburger, most of the Cajun fries, and was solidly into episode three of The Gilmore Girls reunion when the knock hit her front door. She knew who it was but wanted to stay with Rory and Lorelai in Star’s Hollow. The knock came again. She hit pause and shuffled to the door. After turning the knob, she returned to the couch, unable to face him. She heard the door close behind her and the warmth of him at her back. Boyd sat on the couch beside her.
“How are the fries?”
“So good.” She picked up another one.
“I’m not sure which screw-up I should apologize for first.”
Ella said nothing and kept chewing.
“Right, well let’s start with I’m sorry I didn’t invite you to Mason’s graduation. I’m… I guess finding my way with all of this and by the time I thought to invite you, things got complicated with Claire. I wasn’t expecting her to show up.”
“You don’t owe me an explanation. She’s Mason’s mom and your ex… whatever. Seems weird to call her an ex-girlfriend since you share a child. I don’t know. I didn’t think you were going to be at the brewery so late. Your mom mentioned at book club that the ceremony was early. I assumed. I’ve never been good at surprises.”
He touched her leg and she pulled away.
“She’s Mason’s mom. That’s it. We do not have a relationship outside of parenting our son, and I do most of that on my own anyway.”
“You said she was ‘not in the picture a lot.’” Ella shook her head. “Not that it matters because it doesn’t. She can be in the picture all she wants. She’s first.” She pulled her legs closer to her body as if that would somehow keep everything from spilling out of her.
“Mason is thirteen. Things stopped working with us a long time ago.”
“Let me guess, she was a massive manipulator and never understood you. She spent all your money too and you’ve grown in different directions. I think I’ve heard this story.”
“I… um, wow. I didn’t think I needed to explain this.” Boyd shifted away from her on the couch.
“Why not? Why didn’t you think you’d need to fill me in on certain things in your life? Is it that our relationship, if you want to call it that, is new? Is that why? You keep saying that. What is your usual wait time for full disclosure?”
Ella felt her control slip, and she wanted more than anything to get through this with her dignity intact.
“She is Mason’s mom. We were never married. She’s complicated, not all that hands-on as a mom, but that doesn’t make her a bad person. I love raising Mase, so our arrangement works.”
Ella nodded. She’d come to Petaluma for a new start. She didn’t want to be anyone’s curiosity or surprise ever again.
“This must be some kind of karma. No, it’s not that. I don’t believe in karma,” she said.
“No?”
She shook her head, trying to control what now felt like anger. “It’s flawed. Shitty people don’t always get what they deserve. Karma is something the loser tells herself when things turn to crap and she hopes it’s better the next go around.”
“Wow.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Not to be too technical here, but karma is the way you respond to the crap in your life. That’s what creates karma. It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you react
.”
“Oh, well I’m screwed then too.”
“Looks like it.” Boyd laughed.
At the sound, her heart softened and she had no idea what she was feeling anymore.
“How do you know about karma anyway?”
“Cade.”
She nodded and offered one of her last fries to him. He took it and they sat in silence. Neither of them seemed to know a way past the surface, so she jumped in.
“I need more, Boyd. This isn’t going to work for me.”
He turned to face her. “I love you. I should have said it before. I’m sorry I didn’t handle graduation the best. I know I keep saying it’s new, and that’s not an excuse. I love you, Ella.”
She would admit she’d imagined him saying those three words, but now that they were out, it felt organic. Like she’d known all along and the declaration was more of a technicality.
“Love me more. Harder,” she said.
He smirked.
“You know what I mean.”
He nodded, smirk spreading to a full smile.
“Do not make me laugh right now. You didn’t invite me to Mason’s graduation. I know I sound ridiculous, but walking in there and seeing the three of you was… Look, this is probably me, in fact I know it’s me and how I’m coming into the relationship, but I can’t do partway again.”
“Are you seriously comparing me to Marc?”
She felt like she’d been punched. Somehow hearing him throw a name up she’d barely whispered to herself for the past couple of years seemed like he was calling her out.
“No. I am not comparing you. I’m trying to explain why with my past, I cannot settle for half.”
“Settle? I can’t control Mason’s mom or that my life has… stuff. This is all I have right now, Ella. It seemed like it was enough before you walked in on what you’ve imagined is some little family. Mason is my first—”
“Oh no. Don’t you dare do that.” She stood. “I adore Mason and I would never ask for his space in your heart. But you’re not even giving me what’s left. You’re not adjusting or working to include me. You left me out and then barely acknowledge I was standing in front of you because you don’t know what to do with me?” She stood. “I’m loving you with my whole heart and that is scary when you’re still hanging on just in case.” She shook her head as if she were one of those Etch-a-Sketch things and she could erase what she’d recently revealed.
“I’m not saying you have a problem with Mason. I said I was sorry. What the hell do you want, me on my knees?”
This wasn’t going to work. She was never going to explain something she barely understood herself. She wanted more and he had no idea what that looked like.
“I’m tired. You should go.”
Boyd stood. “It’s fine. I’ll let you get some sleep.”
“Honestly, I’m tired of other women’s men,” She blurted out as he walked toward the door. “What you have going seems great and completely adult, but I can’t… correction, I won’t do this again. Or anything remotely resembling this.”
“This meaning something like Marc?”
She was flailing now, but as he moved closer to the door, it seemed essential to her sanity that he understand. “I don’t want to be the extra woman, the piece on the side, the second choice. I can’t be that person. I know you have your ‘stuff’ as you put it. I respect that, but you need to respect mine. I need to be the only woman, my person’s only woman. Now if you want to say I’m comparing you to my past, so be it. That’s how I come to this relationship.”
Boyd seemed confused. Guys usually were when a woman presented needing any more than they were willing to give. The problem with this one, she knew, even through her fuzzy sleep-deprived brain, was that he wasn’t married. That didn’t matter. She still wasn’t going any further with someone who had slept with anyone else. Wait, that would mean she’d be looking for a thirty-something virgin. Not that. And she wasn’t looking. Jesus, she needed him to leave before she proved herself certifiable.
“For the last time, I’m not her man.” She could see his jaw tighten.
“Well, you’re sure as hell not mine.”
“I can’t do anything about my past,” he said, sounding defeated.
“I’m not asking you to. I’m saying I’m not the right person for you.”
“Okay.” Boyd raised his voice and then his shoulders slumped. “Fine. It’s not right, not going to work. Got it loud and clear, Doc.” Boyd wasn’t the type to beg or “oh, please baby let’s talk this out.” Ella knew that. On some level, she appreciated the space.
“I’ll see you later.” She started to walk past him to open the front door, but he gently held her elbow.
“I don’t know what’s going on. I’m sorry. I get that there’s a lot in my life to… take in.”
She whipped around and held his face. Her eyes welled up. “You need to hear me. Mason has a mother, a woman you certainly loved at some point and shared a connection with. You two have a beautiful son and there are so many women out there who would love what you’ve built and the fact that you seem to have a healthy relationship with your ex. Lots of women, Boyd. I’m not one of them. I have… baggage. God, I hate that word, but it’s true. I have stuff that I can’t erase. I don’t expect you to understand, but I won’t live my life wondering what will happen if I pop in unannounced. I need to know I’m wanted and expected.” She gently kissed him, took in the glorious outdoor smell of him, and opened her front door.
Boyd hesitated for a moment and then as if he was stumped on the answer to some riddle, he turned and left without another word.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Mason was showing his mom the food trucks before her flight back to Chicago. Ella had all but told Boyd to disappear. For the first time in a long time, he was alone and unsure. The brewery was quiet and he’d wasted two test batches because suddenly he’d forgotten the basics of making beer. Forgot the yeast entirely for two rounds. He’d lost his mind. He loved Ella. He’d survived the balancing out on a cliff moment and said the words, but maybe that would never be enough—maybe he would never be enough. Boyd had been there and done that before. If she wasn’t the right woman for him, then he’d be fine.
“Heard you screwed things up.” Cade walked in eating again.
Is that a gyro?
“Not now.” Boyd pulled up his grain inventory and started a new order on his computer.
“I’m only saying that she’s your match. You’re crazy about her. How could you jack this up?”
“It didn’t work out. She thinks she’s sharing me or I’m not letting her in. Blame it on me if you want. Leave.”
“Nah, this is good.” He sat on a stool next to the work table. “Why does she think you’re not letting her in?”
“Because I didn’t invite her to his graduation and then she stopped by and we were having dinner with Claire. She’s on this kick that we looked like a big happy family.”
Cade took his last bite, balled up the napkin, and checked his breath.
“Does she know Claire is… strange?”
“She’s not strange. She’s Mason’s mom.”
“True. But she’s strange.” He circled his finger to the side of his head in the universal sign for crazy.
Boyd was not amused.
“Anyway. The general consensus is that you should have invited the love of your life to your son’s graduation, but I get how that could be weird with Claire deciding to show up in the last inning.”
“Yeah, well it’s over. Claire is going back to Chicago tonight, Ella is moving on, and I’m fine.”
Cade stood and shook his head.
“What? No funny comeback? What the hell does that head shake mean?”
“Quit saying that. You’re not fine. Fine is such a screwed-up word. It’s like… neat or nice. It says nothing. Being fine is like being barely alive. You know when you catch a fish and it does that flappy gill thing as it’s dying on the—”
>
“I’m fine. Now, get out of here. I’ve got work to do.”
Cade stayed put and Boyd met his eyes.
“What the fuck do you want to hear?” He threw his clipboard on the worktable and faced off with his brother. “You want me to tell you that I’m afraid if I screw up my kid that it’s all on me? That when I was younger, I had no idea if I could do it on my own and now he needs something I can’t give him? Do you want me to rest my head on your shoulder and tell you I love her so much that it grabs me right in the center of my chest? That I don’t know how to make it work or how to give her something I don’t have? That on top of it all, I love this place, love you guys, and sometimes I’m convinced it’s all going to end? One bad batch, some random asshole falls in the bathroom and sues us. Is that what you want, Cade?”
“Yeah. Well, I don’t want your big hairy head on my shoulder, but yeah, I want all of that. You need to get that crap out of you.” He hit Boyd’s shoulder. “Don’t you feel better?”
Boyd sat, put his face in his hands, and wondered how his brother missed out on the memo that life was complicated. For once, he’d like to see the world through Cade’s optimistic eyes.
“Well?” he said.
“Well what?” Boyd put his hands down.
“Do you feel better?”
“No.”
He took the seat next to him. “Oh, well then let’s figure it out.”
Boyd snickered. “Just like that?”
He nodded. “You love her, she loves you and your son. I mean this is practically a slam dunk. All you need to do is work through the whole thing with Claire dumping you and leaving you with a kid stuff.”
“She didn’t leave me with Mason. I wanted him.”
“Sure, you did, but she still left you. Packed up and basically told you to shove your ‘let’s be a family’ idea where the sun doesn’t shine.”