Empath: The Flawed Series Book One

by Becca J. Campbell

  “So when I saw you out in the woods, how long had it been since you had trimmed?”

  Logan thought for a minute. “I don’t know exactly, I kind of lost track of the days, but I think it had been somewhere around three weeks.” He grimaced. “I’ve never let it get that bad before. It wasn’t a conscious decision, I just… well, I guess I just let myself go.”

  Jade recalled the long hair trailing down his back, a full mane of hair engulfing his chin from ear to ear, and the thick hair covering his entire body. She blushed when she realized his fur hadn’t been covered by clothing and quickly turned her mind back to the original topic.

  “You’ve never gone three weeks without a trim? Weren’t you ever curious? Just to see how long it would grow?”

  “I’ve always hated it too much to do that.” He sighed. “Since I was a kid I’ve wished I could be normal.” The emphasis he placed on the last word was almost worshipful.

  “I understand.”

  “You do?” He gave her a look but she didn’t explain.

  Jade was silent, taking it all in. Then a thought occurred to her. “If you were camping, where was your truck—and your tent?”

  “Another spot—several miles away. I’d been to the lookout rock off and on the past few weeks, but I set up my tent elsewhere. When I saw you—” He broke off for a moment and took a deep breath. “I meant to leave, immediately. But then I saw the bear, saw it watching you, approaching. I couldn’t leave.” A wave of his compassion briefly overtook her, then faded. “Seeing me must have terrified you.”

  A new emotion took hold of Jade, a deep revulsion that was reminiscent of the kid in the ER room. She shuddered, and remembered the feelings coming from the creature—from Logan—that day in the woods. “You were so angry… and afraid? I thought I was afraid, but it was you. And why were you so angry?”

  “What do you mean? You could sense my fear?”

  “I don’t know,” she lied, realizing the slip and frustrated she’d said so much. Tonight was supposed to be about his problem, not hers.

  “That’s not fair. If I’m going to be honest with you, don’t I deserve the same respect?”

  He was right. She couldn’t demand the truth from him without opening herself up, too. She made a rash decision and hoped it wouldn’t backfire. “All right, I’ll be honest. But you didn’t answer my question.”

  “About why I was angry?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, like I said, I wasn’t planning on leaping out. But when you were in danger, I had to. That bear was about to tear into you. I was angry at the bear and the impossible situation.”

  “So how did you get away without the bear hurting you?”

  Logan’s face changed as he considered her question. For a moment he stared out into the restaurant. A puzzled expression pulled his brows together.

  “Honestly? I’m not quite sure. I mean, I know what happened, but I just don’t know how.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, I know the bear came at me, and fast. I was defenseless other than my nails. In the end the bear was really no threat.”

  “What? No threat? Even with claws, I don’t see how you could’ve survived. Bears have claws too, and fangs. That one was huge!” She shuddered at the thought of Logan facing the bear head-on, that he’d knowingly risked his life to save her. What if something had happened to him? “You went up against a bear and came away without so much as a scratch—just because you have long nails?”

  “It wasn’t just the claws,” he said evenly, his voice lowering as he spoke. “It was more the abnormal strength.”

  “Abnormal strength?”

  “I’ve never experienced anything like it before. It allowed me to fight like I was a bear, only that bear had nothing on me. It wasn’t even a struggle to take it down. I thought maybe it was adrenaline at first, but after I had killed it—”

  “You killed it?”

  He nodded. “It was either it or me. But then I was curious. I wondered if I would be strong enough to lift the carcass.”

  “And?”

  “It didn’t even strain my muscles… as I lifted it above my head and heaved it into the canyon.”

  Jade’s jaw dropped.

  “But then the shock wore off. I was freaked out at what had happened. I felt like… an animal.” He shivered. “In that moment, I was as far from being human as I’ve ever been.”

  “Are you still…” Jade hesitated. “… do you still have that strength?”

  Logan looked into her eyes. There was a rush of emotions, so many in number and so swift that Jade couldn’t decipher even one. The next moment, she felt empty again. “No,” he said simply.

  “How do you keep doing that?” Jade murmured, more to herself than to the man sitting across from her. He was so controlled, almost as if he knew she needed him to be.

  “Doing what?”

  Jade considered her words for a moment before speaking. “It’s just that when you have an emotional response, you cut it off abruptly, instead of following it through like most people do. It’s almost like you’re restraining yourself for some reason.”

  “What are you talking about? Are you psychic or something?”

  He knew something was up. There was no backing down now. She had gone way too far down the road into Bizarre World to return without an explanation. Being with Logan made her feel safe. He’d saved her life. He’d already laid his own weakness on the table, so now it was her turn. She took a deep breath and began her story.

  “I’ve always been different,” Jade said. “There’s sort of a… glitch in my brain that connects me to the emotions of the people around me.”

  “Connects you? How, exactly?”

  “I’m not psychic. I can’t read your mind. But I can feel your emotions.”

  “You’re… what? An empath or something? Like on Star Trek?”

  “Not exactly. I have an empathic ability of sorts. It’s not just knowing what others are feeling, it’s experiencing those emotions—instead of my own.”

  “How long have you been that way?”

  “Since before I can remember. I think maybe I was born with it. My parents didn’t realize the severity of my handicap until kindergarten, when my first experience being in a group of children went horribly wrong. And even then, all they knew was that I didn’t do well around people.”

  “What happened in kindergarten?”

  “It was traumatic, and I only remember snippets, but my mom has told me the story quite a few times. When my parents hugged me and left, I went over to play dolls with a little girl. She was happy and I giggled along with her. Then, a little boy came by and stole her doll. She started crying. She was so upset. But so was I. It was as if he had taken the toy from me. I started crying, too. The girl started hitting the boy. And he fought back. I just stood there. One minute I was sobbing, the next I was angry. Then, another kid walked by and I began laughing hysterically. I don’t remember much after that point.”

  Logan listened with wide-eyed amazement on his face.

  “I could feel all the emotions in the room simultaneously, but I could only react to them individually. Fear, anger, joy, sadness, confusion. Rising and falling in waves, all over the room and all inside me at the same time.” Her hands trembled, and she locked them together. “I was too young to understand any of it. All I could do was react.”

  “Wow,” Logan said under his breath.

  “The teachers found me on the floor convulsing, alternating between hyperactive laughter and fits of screaming. They called my parents, who came to take me home. The next few years are a blur. I vaguely remember visiting an array of doctors, psychiatrists, and specialists. All strangers who looked at me like a lab rat. Their emotions only made me uncomfortable, and the clinics were scary. My parents spent thousands of dollars flying me all over the country to the best hospitals and institutions. They did all sorts of tests: EKG, physical stress tests, psychoanalysis, you name it. But al
l they could tell my parents was that I had a type of social anxiety disorder. No one knew why.”

  “Wasn’t there anything they could do to help?”

  “The doctors prescribed all sorts of drugs, antidepressants, antipsychotics, even experimental treatments, but my parents didn’t like the idea. Especially since I was so young.”

  Logan shook his head slowly. She could feel his compassion mounting, and it calmed her.

  “Finally, after two long years filled with tests, doctors, and therapists, my parents decided to quit trying to fix my problem and focus on coping with it. They decided giving me a peaceful environment they could regulate was the best option.”

  “So you never went back to school?”

  “No. My mom had already been teaching me so I wouldn’t get behind.”

  “Sounds like you were pretty isolated. Did you have any friends as a child?”

  “A few. My parents gradually introduced other kids from our homeschool group where I eventually made several good friends. I still keep in touch with two of them, although they both live in Denver right now. My mom and dad monitored playtimes, sometimes ending things abruptly if I was having issues. When we were in high school, the three of us hung out more often. I just didn’t get to participate in the extracurricular stuff they did.”

  “So what did your friends think of your… empathy?” he asked.

  “They don’t know about it.”

  “You never told them?”

  “It’s a lot for anyone to take. When I was little, I think Mom and Dad didn’t want to freak out the other parents. When I got older, my parents left the decision of telling people up to me. But I didn’t want to be treated differently. It’s…” She took a deep breath, releasing the tension. “… difficult for me to talk about.” Despite that, it had all flowed out easily enough with Logan listening.

  “I can understand that.” He put a hand on hers, and the warmth radiated through her. She wondered if he was being purposefully calm at the moment. “Keeping it to yourself must’ve been really hard, though.”

  “The thing that makes it most difficult is that when I feel the emotions of others around me, I’m completely powerless to have my own feelings.”

  “So you never have your own feelings?”

  “I do when I’m alone, but not around other people unless if whoever I’m with is totally calm. But even then, how do I know if it’s myself I’m reading or someone else?”

  “You mean you can’t recognize your own moods?”

  “Not always, no. I think I’ll get better at it… with practice. But it’s something I’ve only recently tried to master. Before, it was all about avoidance. Just surviving. My parents isolated me, which obviously wasn’t a long-term solution. I guess they didn’t think about the fact that someday I’d have to learn how to adapt. And now it’s all in my own hands.”

  “That all sounds really overwhelming.”

  “I’m starting to learn how to control my responses, but it’s easy to get carried away in other people’s feelings, even when they are opposite mine.”

  Logan seemed to be thinking something, trying to figure out the best way to phrase his thoughts. She didn’t have a read on his mood at that moment.

  “Do you have a hard time around me?”

  “No, not usually. Actually, that’s something I’ve been wondering about. Most people are ruled by their feelings, even if they try to hide them.” She frowned. “You’re different, though. I hardly ever sense anything from you, and when I do, you cut it off quickly. Why is that?”

  “Probably because I have an entire lifetime of practice.”

  “Practice restraining your emotions? Why?”

  “My childhood wasn’t easy. I never knew my parents. I was passed from one foster home to another. Emotional distance was the only thing that got me through it.”

  Jade couldn’t imagine how hard it must be for him to share that. Despite her normal desire for boundaries, for a moment she wished to feel his emotions so she could truly empathize with him.

  “But how did you do it?”

  “In the beginning I allowed myself small moments to wallow. But eventually I realized that giving in to self-pity at all was only going to escalate my need. The more I sulked, the more depressed I became. An endless cycle.”

  “So you didn’t have many friends growing up?”

  “No. I was that weird kid who watched from the window when everyone else in the neighborhood was playing in the street. Every now and then one of them would invite me to play, but it always ended the same way: children ganging up together, pointing and laughing. I wasn’t one to run home crying to my parents, though. I’d never give those kids the satisfaction.”

  “But why did they make fun of you? You didn’t have a beard or anything… did you?” Jade wished the words back the moment she’d said them. Maybe he’d had it worse than she was picturing. She swallowed.

  Logan shook his head. “Not until puberty hit, no. But I still had to get trimmed all the time. We were at the barber shop every week. For some reason my foster parents couldn’t help but mention it to the other moms and dads. Rumors were always flying. Kids are cruel.”

  “I guess you didn’t really have that ‘normal’ childhood socialization, either.”

  “Nope. Instead of sports and girls, I was into—really into—academics. Believe me, that will immediately get you geek status in junior high and high school.”

  Jade smiled and shook her head. He still didn’t come across as the geek, with his striking features and intense gaze.

  “But when it came to learning, I couldn’t get enough, especially in history, English, and literature.”

  As the words poured out of him, an emotion finally surfaced—a sense of relief. “I’m really glad you told me the truth,” he said. “I’ve always been alone. Very few people know about me.”

  “You’re the first one I’ve ever told,” Jade said.

  “Really?”

  “Really. My parents know, of course. They understood it before I did. But I never could bring myself to tell anyone else. I guess I just figured people would treat me differently. Good or bad, it wouldn’t be genuine. Plus, even if they knew about my struggle, it’s not like they could’ve helped. Most people aren’t as capable of controlling their emotions as they think they are.” Most people aren’t you.

  “How did your parents take the whole thing?”

  “Fine, I guess. I haven’t really thought about it. I just wish I was more prepared for real life. I can’t help feeling if they’d pushed me into the world earlier, I might have a better handle on people’s emotional states. I wish…” She broke off suddenly, realizing that her words had rushed out almost faster than she could think them. She blushed and looked down.

  “What is it?”

  “It’s just that I’m not used to talking about this—with anyone.”

  “I’m sorry. Is it too personal?”

  “No, it’s not that,” she said, looking back to his eyes. “It feels really good to be able to talk about it. I guess I’m just worried about…” She hesitated. “… later.”

  “You can trust me.” He reached across the table and touched her arm again. “Jade, I would never share your secret with anyone.”

  “I do trust you. That’s not what I mean…”

  He frowned.

  “I guess I’m just worried how you’ll react to me after tonight.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Well, if there were a reason to avoid me, surely this would be it. I mean, I understand if knowing the truth makes you uncomfortable being around me.”

  He thought for a moment. “Honestly? It doesn’t.”

  “But what about earlier? In the photography lab, and then when I saw you on campus today? You were obviously avoiding me.” She was careful to keep the frustration out of her voice.

  “It wasn’t because of you. It was because of my secret. Now that you know the truth, there’s no reason for distan
ce between us, on my part anyhow. Though I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to run for the hills.”

  “Well, of course I won’t. I’m still here, right?”

  “And I’m still here. You’ll see me again, as long as you want to.” She must’ve still looked doubtful, because he opened his hands to her, palms up and said, “Look, I’ll prove it to you. I’d love to take you hiking sometime, if you’re interested. No getting lost this time.” His lip nudged into an almost-grin.

  “I’d like that.” The tiny seed of hope that he truly wanted to be around her budded and began to grow. There was only a flicker of a thought in her mind about what Cam might think. But they hadn’t made a commitment. He couldn’t think he was her boyfriend, surely. And this wasn’t a date anyway, just Logan trying to prove a point.

  “How about this weekend? Are you free Saturday?”

  “Sure, that sounds great.”

  They’d finished their meals long ago, and the waitress finally came by to drop off the check. When the plates had been cleared away, Logan pulled something from his jacket and laid it on the table. It was her journal. She blushed, remembering what she’d been writing about when she had abandoned the book in the forest. What had she said about Cam? What had she written about Logan?

  “I suppose my last order of business is to return this. I didn’t read it, in case you were wondering.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Well, it’s getting pretty late. I apologize if you had homework tonight that I stole you away from.”

  “Oh!” In the heat of the conversation during dinner, she had forgotten everything she needed to cover before class the next day. “Yeah, I probably do need to get back. Thank you for dinner.”

  He walked her out to her car and waited while she dug for the key.

  “Thank you for your understanding and for your honesty,” he said softly. “It means a great deal to me.” His hand brushed her cheek.

  Thanks for not avoiding me anymore, Jade thought. Her stomach tingled when she thought of seeing him again.