While devouring the food rinds.
The cold starvation that plagued their bodies
Had made them monsters in my mind.
The frighten images of their crystallized eyes
Haunted me for the next few days
As the weather turned even worse.
The intolerable wind pounded the structures and
Ripped roofs from buildings.
An uneasy whistling echoed through the store
Caused by wind that found its way through the crevices.
The safety of the store shielded
Us from the hail, snow and wind, but
The cold could not be avoided.
No matter how we blockaded the walls,
The cold was relentless in its destiny to find a way inside.
We ate to keep warm,
Even when we were not hungry.
We gorged ourselves to add more fat to our bodies.
We needed the gluttony in order to survive as
The cold was growing more intense with each day.
I always kept the hole open
To get an insight of the storm
From an outside perspective.
I saw more frozen dead corpses
Lining the street every time I looked out.
I did not stay near the hole for too long
As I feared the sight of the savage human monsters.
That night as the streets darkened and the wind blew harder,
I could feel the front wall of the store begin to tremble.
Small splinters of the wood shifted loose
Caused by the storm beating from the outside.
Beelzebub and I feared the worst so
We sought shelter inside the storage area.
We secured the door and sat amongst the pile of food.
I was so cold that I was shaking uncontrollably.
My lungs were contracting from the intake of the air.
My wet nose solidified closed.
I had to loosen the ice
By rubbing it with my sleeve in order to gain air.
Beelzebub seemed to be in better shape and
Was able to handle the cold much more than I could as
He was barely shivering.
He used his energy to offer me more food
So that I would stay warm.
I was so cold that I began to see things
That I could not explain.
I saw Beelzebub grab an apple
That instantly froze upon contact.
I blamed my icy mind for presenting me
With such ridiculous images,
But what happened next was not so easily avoided.
While he handed me a cut of meat,
I mistakenly grabbed his wrist instead.
His skin and flesh was ice to the touch,
Yet he showed no signs of being cold.
I looked up to his eyes as he began to smile.
I noticed that when he exhaled,
His breath could not be seen.
Mine instantly battled with the frigid air,
But his blended equally.
How could that be?
I looked deeper into his eyes and
Saw the pain and suffering of the blizzard.
I saw the snow, the hail and
The frost circling around his pupils.
He was not the same person I had met so long ago.
Had he become a victim to the storm like those savage people?
He could not have as he never left the shop.
The wind pounded against the store with more force.
We heard what seemed to be
The front wall buckle under the pressure.
The howling of the storm was extremely loud now
Without the extra barricade.
The wind swirled around the storage area
As if it was an ice dragon trying to find a way inside.
The cold combined with the increased pressure of the wind
Wreaked havoc on my mind
Forcing my eyesight to fade in and out.
I felt like a prisoner of the storm
With my arms and legs shackled to the frost.
The wood construction of the storage area
Began to warp and misshape
From the freezing onslaught of the weather.
The grey atmosphere spilled in
Through any crack that would allow it.
Beelzebub showed no signs of concern
For the approaching weather.
His eyes were fixated on me.
His mannerisms were calm as the cold
Continued to assault all of my internal organs.
He had always worried about my wellbeing,
But no more.
He approached the door and unlatched it.
My eyes squinted at the action
Which was the only motion that did not cause me pain.
He leaned down to me and placed an apple upon my chest.
He said that I had done well.
I had no idea what he was talking about.
He informed me that he was the cold and the frost.
He said that he was the prophets and the hail.
He said that he was the blizzard.
I tried to understand his words, but my mind was so cold.
He stood from me and push opened the storage door wider
Allowing the snow and wind to filter freely inside.
Through the grey haze of the storm,
I saw them enter into the store
Where the front door used to be.
Those savage humans
Finally had the opportunity to creep in with the cold.
As they blended with the snow that swirled within the air,
I could tell they were seeking food.
Some had no clothes on,
But they were completely adapted to the weather.
Their skin had altered in a hardened shade of blue.
The starvation had negative results
As their rib cages protruded from their concaved chests.
They used their primal instincts to sniff out my location.
Their eyes widened at the sight of me lying upon a pile of food.
They climbed upon me and rummaged
Through the food trying to find something
That was not frozen and somewhat edible.
They soon turned to my warm fatty meat
That I had built up on my body to keep me warm.
As they tore through my shivering body,
I felt no pain.
The coldness had numbed me.
I saw Beelzebub fade into the atmosphere
While my limbs were being fought over.
As I laid upon my frozen food supply
Being eaten alive by those that I forced into starvation,
I could hear the words of the prophets
Being carried through the bitter wind.
They spoke of an end to the blizzard
And the prosperous return of vegetation.
~
The air within the cave is quite dense now.
For some unknown reason.
I am unable to satisfy my lungs
And provide the proper amount of air they desire.
I find myself with brief moments
Of shortness of breath.
With no opening to the outside world,
Is it possible that the air is fading?
God would not allow me to suffocate.
Another one of my shadowy friends has left,
But I do not imagine that they consume any of the air.
I must have completed some transcriptions
As my hand is sore from gripping the quill.
I do not try to read my recent work
As I know I will not be able to understand it.
I will abide by God’s wishes
In hopes to accelerate the process
And reach the end of my stay.
>
I have received no punishment;
No harsh treatment as a result of my writing.
This leads me to believe that I am fulfilling his desires.
The notion that God is possibly
Reading my words is met
With a mixture of emotions.
The fact that I do not know
What exactly I am writing
Is somewhat disturbing.
I only pray that my words
Do not insult or anger God.
I realize that I will never know this,
But I continue to worry about the outcome regardless.
I am beginning to think that the shadows
Within the cave are somehow
Associated with my work.
It appears that when I complete
A large amount that one will exit.
I am not sure how the two are related,
If they indeed are at all.
Maybe it is my boredom providing me
With puzzles to keep me preoccupied
Or maybe I am trying to bridge
Two separate items together that do not belong.
Regardless, the amount of my shadow friends is decreasing
And I am unsure as to why.
VI
lust
I loved her.
I loved her more than she would ever know.
She was the source of my desires;
The source of my dreams.
My thoughts were overwhelmed
With visions of her and
My heart was filled with the passion
That I saved for only her.
She was everything to me, the backbone of my existence.
However, she did not know me.
She had never laid her eyes upon me
Nor heard my voice in her ears.
I did not exist in her world
As she was royalty and
I was a mere tailor
Dwelling in the unforgiving streets.
If she only knew how much I loved her,
She would see into my soul.
No woman could resist
That amount of love and
The possibility of everlasting desires.
My days were spent weaving,
Sewing, creating and repairing
Cloth items outside of my store on the street.
My stool was in a perfect position
Directly across from the palace gates
Where I could witness
All the activities and commotion
That took place each day.
My life was consumed with her.
I had even memorized her daily patterns.
She exited the gates along with her guards
Every morning to shop at the market.
She was beyond beautiful,
Which makes her difficult to describe in words.
Her long, straight brown hair
Was the color of bark from the finest trees.
I imagined that if given the chance
To get close to her
I would lose myself in her eyes and
Feel complete prosperity from the vision.
I always battled with myself
To halt my feelings as
I know that I would never
Get the opportunity,
But my desires were so strong that
They often clouded my judgment and rationale.
My occupation gave me the ability
To frequently observe the palace gates,
Which only aided in my deception of love.
I worried about her when
She did not appear on time
Or if she returned later than usual.
I became depressed if I missed an encounter
Due to customers or the weather.
I needed her in my life
For balance and became unstable
If the usual moments were not consistent.
She provided order in my life
When I needed it the most.
She offered me dreams
Full of passion and unconditional love.
She gifted me all of that
Without realizing my existence.
I was a master of my trade and
Well-known throughout the city, but
I kept my secret passion
To myself as to not show weakness.
My obsession was strong on the inside and
Transparent on the outside.
It never got in the way of my tasks,
Except if customers demanded attention
During my ritual visions of the palace.
I was never rude to them,
But I never missed an opportunity to view my beloved.
During the slow peaks of business,
I often tailored special outfits for her and
Kept them in the back
In case she ever ventured my way.
My future thoughts always allowed me
To be well prepared for that first encounter
As I had run through the scenario many times in my head.
The conversation was well scripted
Although I had altered it quite a bit from the original version.
I shared my secret with no one.
I believed that they would have
Looked upon me with judging eyes.
I never dwelled in how people saw me
In any other instance, but my secret was different.
I had grown accustomed to people staring at me and
Deciphering my clothes on any particular day,
I was immune to their torments and rude gestures.
I guess I prompted the looks and comments
As I did sit outside the middle of the city turmoil.
I did not consider myself strange,
Only different than the others.
Everyone tried to collect items and dress
In order to draw attention their way.
The fascination with wealth and relics
Was a belief I did not share with them.
I believed that a keen personality
Was the key to a flourishing life.
Some called it inner beauty,
I liked to refer to it as inner reality.
A person could be dressed in the finest of fabric and
Give the persona of a high quality soul,
But the inner reality of their being
Would show a different vision.
I grew to despise the citizens of the city.
Mainly due to them always wanting more than they had.
They were never satisfied with their present belongings
And always judged others who had more
Or less than them.
I could not understand the concept as
I never wanted something that someone else had.
I was given items for a reason and
I also did not receive items for a reason.
It was not my right to distinguish between the two.
There was no element of surprise
If someone constantly wanted additional things.
When will the want stop?
I imagined that once people acquire the item they seek,
That they would soon discard it
In order to make room for their next desire.
The endless loop disgusted me and kept me humble.
For me, I had no desire for items
Or treasures to increase my approachability.
No, I only had one desire and
It was my beautiful goddess
Who resided behind the palace gates.
For the most part, my secret desire
Had remained invisible to all,
Except for one of my frequent customers.
On a particular day,
She caught me staring at my beloved.
She was an aged widowed woman
Who was once married to a palace guard
Bef
ore he died in battle.
Her name was Asmodeus and
She was always kind to me,
But on one day she startled me.
While I was off on one of my daydreams,
She whispered into my ear
That the palace woman was beautiful.
The small comment immediately
Sacrificed any such dream I was having
And replaced it with the heavy hammer of the present.
I felt panic and stress
As if my desire had been uncovered.
I also experienced slight disappointment
For allowing myself to dwell so deep
In my dream that it was apparent
To someone walking by.
She placed a hand on my shoulder
To calm my nerves and told me
That she would not reveal my secret.
That she once looked to her husband
With the same emotional eyes.
Her words soothed me slightly as
I felt that we had something in common.
I pulled a vacant stool and offered her a seat and
She graciously accepted.
She appeared tired and weak
For a reason I did not know.
I had never talked about my inner emotions
To anyone before.
I always thought that the sharing of emotions
Was pointless due to my belief that others
Cared nothing about who I was internally.
When I was younger and more apt to share feelings,
I could tell that the person
I was talking to was not listening to my words.
Instead, they were contemplating their own feelings.
Once I established that,
I was no longer the same and
My conversation techniques changed dramatically.
I found that most people
Do not truly listen
So why waste my words.
My observation for distinguishing
Between those who listened and
Those who did not was quite simple.
I often times would come up with fake topics
The Sinner Page 15