Fuck me.
Chapter 11
Braunwyn
I snuggle closer to Emme as she sleeps in my bed beside me.
When I came home this afternoon after my training shift, she was so happy to see me. Grams assured me, though, that they’d had a great day and that Emmerson only asked once where I was when I was gone. For which I was relieved. I hate to leave her during the day, so in an effort to try and make it up to her we went to the park before dinner and ended the night with yet another screening of “Despicable Me”. I know it’s not the same as me being here with her all day, but we both love the quality time, just us together, no matter when it happens. God, I love this kid.
But I must admit, that as I lay listening to my daughter’s breathing, all I can think about is Levi. Everything. Everything, I think, in silent response to his earlier question. I want to know everything about this intense man. When he first came into the storage room this afternoon I thought he was pissed off at me, but that feeling soon changed as he called me Scrappy and told me he’d gladly train me. I can’t seem to get him off my mind tonight. His passion for his pub is awe inspiring, from the employee incentives, camaraderie amongst the staff, and the charity work Pub Fiction sponsors, all topped off by the gleam in his eye when he talked about it. It’s clear that Levi Eddison is an amazing man.
To work for, that is. I mean he will be an amazing boss.
Like taking me for lunch today. That was such a nice thing to do.
I had just finished placing the last bottle of vodka up on the shelf when I heard Levi doing some more of this muttering thing I’ve noticed he does. This time it was something about longer shirts and never stocking the shelves during bar hours.
As I stepped back down and righted my clothes, which had shifted a bit, I caught his gaze. It landed on a piece of skin at my side that was still exposed. I tugged my shirt down and asked, “Okay, so what’s next, Boss Man?”
“I think we need a break. Yeah, it’s time for lunch, Braunwyn. Uh, let me take you to the diner across the street, they make the best burgers in town. We can eat and I can tell you all about myself, ’cause I know you’ve been asking about me.” He winked and of course I blushed, since he was still teasing me about that. “Then we’ll come back I’ll show you how to use the Point of Sale System.”
“I don’t know, Levi. I brought a sandwich, it’s back in the staffroom. I can just eat here and meet you in, like, what—forty-five minutes?”
“You’re coming for lunch with me, Scrappy. Don’t give me a hard time. Besides, it’ll be my treat and will give us a chance to get to know each other a little better. I do like to take the time to get to know my staff. I treated Shelby to a coffee next door the other day, too, so think of it as a getting-to-know-you employment opportunity.” With that, he smiled, and I hated the feeling in the pit of my stomach from Levi having given another girl his attention.
Saluting him, I ran back and grabbed my purse because there was no way I was letting him pay.
Walking into Sal’s Diner, my senses were immediately put on overdrive. The scent of frying beef and the grease from the fresh-cut fires infiltrated my nostrils, and caused my stomach to growl so loudly I think everyone in the vicinity could hear it. The décor was your typical 50’s-style diner, with old movie memorabilia scattered throughout. Each booth and table were adorned with jukeboxes and I couldn’t wait to see if they actually worked.
I saw Levi looking a bit anxious as I took in the place, as if he was worried I’d be disappointed eating here.
“It’s so cool in here,” I said. “How have I missed this place?” I know how, lack of money to waste on eating out and the demands of being a full-time student and mom. Yep, that’ll do it.
We grabbed a booth by the window and I immediately started flipping through the songs on the jukebox. “Here,” Levi placed a quarter on the table. “You can choose two and I’ll choose the third. Better pick good ones, Braunwyn, this is a test.”
I paused, staring at him for a second, his easiness unexpected. I went to thank him but the server interrupted me, so I just nodded and turned back to the list.
“What will it be, Levi?” she asked.
I looked back over. “I take it you come here often.”
“Oh, honey, this boy has been coming here since the day the sold sign went up on the building. It’s just nice seeing him bring another human with him today—rather than just his laptop. I’m always telling him to go get himself a good girl to share my burgers with. I swear, the only other people Levi ever brings around are his brother and his lovely mother.”
“Enough, Sal, thanks. We’re ready to order,” Levi pretended to scold her, and tried to hide his embarrassment.
“Oh, you’re ‘Sal’?” I blurted, feeling stupid, already knowing the answer to the question.
“Yeah, I figured it would be fun to mess people up. Sal is short for Sally,” she beamed and I told her how I could relate with my nickname being Braun.
“I just experienced that with your pal, Levi, here. He thought I was a guy when I came in for my interview.”
Sal nodded her head in his direction, and muttered something about getting with the times and I couldn’t help but giggle a bit. In the end, I told her to surprise me with her favourite burger, as long as it had cheese on it, and a Coke.
I overheard her whisper in Levi’s ear, “I like her already,” before she walked away. I smiled and I dropped the quarter in the jukebox, having found my two song choices.
“So, you’re local, right?” Levi asked, just as the music to “Tequila” by The Champs came blasting out the tiny speakers at our table.
“Get it? I chose ‘Tequila’ cause you—well, we—work at a bar.” I giggled at how corny I was but I have to admit it felt good to loosen up a bit, to be silly. To begin to be myself.
If Levi thought I was weird or lame he didn’t let on at all. “I love this song, but don’t you dare tell anyone, ’cause I’ll deny, deny, deny. I could lose cool points for admitting to such things.”
He dumped a bunch of quarters from his front pocket onto the red-and-white tabletop.
“Let’s play a little game. Shall we?” He raised his eyebrows mischievously before turning to thank Sal for our drinks.
“Okay, what sort of game? Because I’ll have you know, games are kinda my thing,” I shrugged, “like I’m pretty good at all games, so just promise if we play, you can’t get upset and cry like a baby ’kay?” I taunted, while he just looked at me like I’d lost my damned mind.
“Whatever, baby. I’m like the King of Games. All games, and I always win.” He eyed me and I felt a blush creep into my cheeks.
Jesus, I bet you are.
“The object of this game is to see how many songs with a type of booze in them we can find. Each song earns a point. We’ll call it ‘Jukeboozebox-songbeats-while-we-eats’,” he said with a laugh and I swear I snorted and my Coke sprayed out my nose a little.
“That is awesome. Game on.” I wiped my mouth, and caught him watching my every move, his eyes lingering on my mouth. I held his gaze as he did mine.
“So now that we’ve got a few songs to get through, answer my question.” he said, shaking us both from our mini-trance.
I tossed the napkins down beside my plate. “Right, sorry, yes. I guess you could say that I’m local. Well, I am now. I have no plans to leave anytime soon, that’s for sure. I love it here. Okay, so I’ve lived here for about four-and-a-half years. I moved in with my Grams when I was almost nineteen and I’m almost twenty-three now, but my Grams has lived in St. Catharines for as long as I can remember, and I’ve been visiting her since I was a little kid, so I think I qualify as local.”
“I’d say yes, you definitely could call yourself a local. That was actually a part of the reason why your resume appealed to me. I saw that you had what we consider a local address, not typical student housing, but I have to admit Braun, I was totally shocked when you were not a dude.”
&nbs
p; I laughed at that comment and told him just how often it happens. We ate and it was totally relaxed as we continued to look for songs and got to know each other.
I thought: I just might have a little crush on my boss.
“So, do you have a boyfriend?” he queried around a bite of burger.
I know I blushed at the seriousness of his tone as he asked me, but rather than respond right away, my mind wandered to Shawn, and what the right response should be. “No, no boyfriend.” I felt my mood plummet. I didn’t want to feel like this with Levi. “No, with school and now work, I just never seem to have the time, you know?” I hoped my long pause didn’t make him suspicious. I’m not ready to share Emmerson with him just yet, if ever.
“How about you? Any lucky lady in your life?”
Please say no, please.
“Of course I do, Braun, look at all this.” He moved his hand from the top of his head to below the table. I nodded my head to show I’d heard him and tried to hide the disappointment creeping onto my face by hiding behind a bite of my huge burger.
“Yeah, you’ve already met her too, she’s a real fucking beauty.” With that statement, my stomach had dropped to my feet and I have to admit that I was kind of taken aback. Not only that he had a girlfriend, after what Sal said, but that I’d met her. Maybe it was one of the girls I’d only met in passing, but I hadn’t met too many girls yet. I was so confused.
All of a sudden the air seemed to change between us and I felt uncomfortable as he watched me. I wondered if he saw my disappointment.
“The pub, Scrappy. That’s my girl. Always has been.” He’d burst out laughing. “I had you, eh? No, no girlfriend. I prefer an easy arrangement and hope to find the right girl to make me change my mind someday, but for right now, I’m kind of all about my girl over there,” he said and pointed across the street.
Then we’d both sat back to enjoy getting to know each other. You know, if it had’ve been a date, I would have considered it the best first date I had ever had. Thinking about Levi like this—and how comfortable and easy it was—causes a terrible wave of guilt to wash over me.
What the hell am I doing thinking about Levi?
Immediately I reach inside the wooden night table to shake off my Levi thoughts and remember Shawn instead, by taking out the worn note that I’ve held sacred for the last four years. I keep it for Emme, I keep it for me—as a reminder, a memory invoker, a punishment, but, best of all, a connection. A connection that I miss so damn much. A connection I felt guilty for stepping away from for a while today…
Opening it up, my hands tremble as they always do. Why do I have to go back to that day over and over? Why do I insist on punishing myself? I’m like a cutter, it’s like I use Shawn’s letter as a way to feel. A way to torment and to punish myself, to let it slowly kill me from the inside. Why the hell can’t I let the guilt go?
I’m so tired of torturing myself, exhausted from the guilt, the anger, and the fear. I just want to scream into the void: How the fuck could you do this to me?! You ruined me! I just want to share out loud how hurt I am; I’m cut, cut so fucking deep, but I can only bleed inside.
I can hardly stand to breathe some days, but I’m not a coward. I am a mother. And our daughter needs me…my daughter needs me. I have to be strong for Emmerson, so rather than allowing the cuts to remain open and to bleed out, letting all the pent up feelings escape, to seep out allowing me to deal with and to eventually heal, they pool inside and fester within, killing me quietly. Will I ever get over it? Move forward?
But tonight I can’t seem to hold it in. What is happening to me? I clutch the note to my chest I try to control myself, but great big sobs escape along with my pain and anger. Glancing in Emme’s direction, I see she’s awake and looking at me. I begin to try to comfort her, but it’s my four-year-old daughter who comforts me.
“It’s o’tay, Mommy, I wove you.” And, as if it were possible, she scootches over even closer to my side, closes her eyes and gives me exactly what I need in that moment. Her.
Finally calmer, I read over the lines one last time, focusing on certain now-familiar words:
the happiness cavalry
trust me to take care of you still…always
I’m with you
I love you
I’m sorry
Don’t blame yourself
It’s not very often that I can handle reading the whole note, but tonight I feel the need. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that need again, to see what Shawn wanted me to see.
I wonder if he’s proud of me?
Has he really been looking out for us all this time?
Could he be bringing the job, and Levi, into my life for a reason?
God, I need to make an appointment with Hillary. And soon.
These are the thoughts that plague my mind as I pull my daughter closer and finally drift off to sleep.
Chapter 12
Levi
“Wait ’til, you see these chicks, man. I’m telling you, they rival the ones we picked up last weekend. Shit, I can’t believe I’m gonna be a repeat offender. Who would have thought I’d meet a girl at Tim Hortons of all places, eh?”
I’m fucked, truly fucked. Sitting on my back deck I’m listening to my buddy Finn go on and on about some chick, Zoey, and her friend that we’re supposed to meet up with later tonight at Front 54. Or rather, trying to listen, ’cause he’s obviously into this one, but I can’t. All I can think about is her. Braunwyn.
“Are you fuckin’ listening to me, man? I’m like pretty much giving you my man card and you’re just sitting there zoned out. What the hell is on your mind? And if you tell me ‘Pub’, I’m going to kick your ass. You’re off tonight. Remember?”
Taking a long pull from my bottle of Canadian, I can’t get the would-be taste of her out my mouth, a taste I keep imagining over and over. That taste which I imagine would belong to her skin, one of honey infused with vanilla, like her scent. I keep tasting it and imagining it as hers, despite the crisp flavour of beer taking over my mouth (not to mention the fact that I haven’t actually tasted her). Yet.
Jesus, I sound like a stalker, thank fuck none of the guys can hear me. Shit, we worked well together, really fucking well. She is most definitely a fast learner and that sass of hers just about had my cock standing at attention all day. I can’t stop thinking about her laugh as she teased me over lunch that she was surprised that I didn’t build an apartment on top of Pub Fiction, seeing as I obviously loved it so much.
I had never taken an employee out for lunch, especially during a training shift like that, but damn if I didn’t want some one-on-one time with her outside of the bar. I also failed to mention to Braunwyn that the coffee with Shelby was only because she was waiting on a tow truck, not because I wanted to get to know her. I wanted Braunwyn to relax and talk to me like would-be friends, not boss-to-employee talk. Luckily, I think it worked. She and I got along well—so well that I can’t seem to shake her off.
“Yeah, I’m here, dude. Sorry, I was just thinking about my new hire. I had to train her today. It’s been a long time. I was sitting here hoping I didn’t miss anything major, you know? Just running over the checklist in my mind.”
“Oh, yeah. She hot? Hey, better if you did forget shit, then you’ll have more opportunities to retrain her. Am I right?” he asks, raising his brows.
I laugh at what an idiot he can be. He’s right, though; I’d like to work with her close like that again, that’s for damn sure. “Yeah, she’s very fucking hot actually. Beautiful. Seems sweet too. But something’s off. Not sure what, but there’s something. She seems guarded, a bit reluctant to be herself.” I think back on the way she paused when I asked about her having a boyfriend, the look of sadness that seemed to cloud those gorgeous eyes of hers. A look I never want to be responsible for putting there again.
“Who cares about that shit? Not like you’ll stick around to find out, right? When you gonna tap that?”
“Nah, m
an, she ain’t like that. I can tell she’s…different.” Fuck, as soon as the words fall from my lips, I know I’m done for.
Clapping his hands together, Finn jiggles his knees up and down with excitement. “Whoo whoohoo. Well, well. I never thought I’d see the day. Levi Eddison is getting all serious about a girl. Ha, I love it. What next? You gonna follow in Ryk’s footsteps?” he teases.
“What the fuck you saying about me now, Finn?” Ryker interjects. “You’re just jealous, ya bastard.”
I laugh as Ryker, Matty and Phil walk into my backyard, a six-pack of Stella in each of their hands. I watch the exchange, silently thanking my little bro for the reprieve.
“Nothing bad, man. Just asking Levi if he’s gonna get with this new girl he can’t seem to stop thinking about. He’s been telling me how she’s ‘different’.” Finn says. The bastard even air quotes my words.
“Fuck this,” I mutter, heading to grab a few more chairs for the guys.
Ryker gives me a look before laughing, “Oh, hell, brother. This is how it starts, believe me, and you’re done for now, buddy. How long’s it been since you’ve been thinking about her constantly? If you say since you met then you might as well call mom and give her the good news,” the dick says, laughing at his mom jab while fist-bumping Finn.
“It’s not like that, dude. That’s not what I was saying, she’s just cool, is all. We’re friends.” I shrug. For now. “Just drop it, it’s not like she’s all I think about. This asshole’s exaggerating,” I thumb toward Finn.
“Huh, I see,” Ryker says, rubbing his chin as if contemplating a real problem. I can only imagine what the fucker’s gonna say next. “Well, answer this: you know the times where you catch yourself smiling? Do you then realize it’s ’cause you were thinking about her?”
I think about it, and the answer is a complete “fuck, yeah,” but like hell am I about to tell these assholes that. Instead, I pause, which is a big mistake around this crowd. “Yep, yep! Aha! Welcome to Club Goner, buddy.” Ryker extends his hand to shake mine and I swat it away.
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