I kiss my girl Braun as I strap Scooby into her booster seat. “I can’t believe you picked up Grams and London before coming home, Scrappy,” I tease, before laying down a thick wad of Grams’ towels and taking my place behind the wheel.
Fuck, I’m gonna be a dad…again.
Braunwyn
Levi whips the door open and leans in, laying one heck of a kiss on me.
“Ready, baby? We’re going to have a baby,” I say happily, but a stab of pain ruins the sweetness of the moment.
“Shit, baby. Hang tight, we need to get outta here.” He drops another kiss on my forehead before settling in the driver’s seat.
“Yeah. They’re really picking up.” I wince.
“I can’t believe you picked up Grams and London before coming home, Scrappy.”
I laugh. “Well, I needed all my humans with me. I can’t do this without them. Your mom, Ryker, Kat, and Lewis are meeting us there too,” I add, feeling proud.
“Huh, look at you all on top of this. And here I thought I was going to be the organized one. Thanks for calling them, baby.” He looks at me in the rear view mirror, giving me the panty-soaker smile.
Not now, buddy, not now. I brace myself against the door handle as a huge contraction washes over my body.
“Hold my hand, Hooker. I’ll take your abuse.” London places her hand in mine for support, smiling. I give it a crushing squeeze. Looking around at everyone, I never thought that I would be part of such a big family where there is so much love and support. But here they are. “Oh, shit, woman. You are in pain.” London jokes, in response to my harsh grip.
“Drive fast, Levi. They’re coming closer and closer,” I say.
“You got it, Scrappy. I’ll have us there in no time.”
“Cool it a little, leadfoot. Try and stay on the road. We need to get there in one piece,” says Grams sternly.
*
Once at the hospital, it’s as though everything happens in fast forward and then it doesn’t. It practically stops.
The contractions started coming hard and fast but there was an emergency somewhere else in the hospital, leaving me to wait a long time for the anesthesiologist to come give me the much-coveted epidural. By nightfall, we’d sent Emmerson home with London and Grams, promising to call no matter what time. Lewis agreed to bring them all back when the time came so I insisted they not wait around, especially at this rate. Grams was right, as always. Levi really didn’t need to be such a speed demon getting me here.
“Why don’t you try walking the halls, Mrs. Eddison? Sometimes that helps.” Nurse Leanne looks between Levi and myself after telling us that I’m only five centimetres dilated. “It looks like you’ve got a strong lad here to help support you, if needed.”
“Yeah, okay. Maybe stretching will help coax the baby to want to come out.” I laugh, trying to lighten my own mood.
“You sure about this, Scrappy?” Levi asks, his face concerned. I limp toward the door after both Leanne and Levi helped me move off the bed.
“Positive. I need to move. Your kid is sitting on top of all my insides. I want to jiggle everything around a little bit.”
We begin taking baby steps in the hall.
“It’s crazy how different it is this time. With Emmerson, my water broke and she was here, like, within the hour,” I pout, feeling the onslaught of another doozy.
As my contractions increase in intensity, Levi pulls me into him, securing my arm around his waist as an anchor.
“I gotcha, Scrappy. We got this.”
My anchor. The thought is fitting. Levi anchors me. Not only does he keep me tethered, he brings me back to what’s important. He keeps me from drifting away; he steadies me, keeping me focused on the here and the now.
In the end Levi Eddison makes me whole.
He is my salvation…
My restoration.
Levi
We walk the halls for what feels like forever, our patience wearing thinner each time we pass the nurses’ lounge. Peeking in, we see them sipping coffee, eating, and laughing, sitting around and chatting about it being a slow night, and how they could be out doing this or that rather than working. Braun glances up at me, then back past the lounge doors, a look of defeat paired with a bit of jealousy on her beautiful face. Seeing the lounging nurses more and more as we circle the halls pisses me off, especially when I see the way it’s affecting my Scrappy. I want to scream: “Close the damn door. Have some consideration for these poor women.”
“I’m so hungry,” she groans. With everything happening like it did, Braun hasn’t eaten anything since breakfast. They told her that she couldn’t eat at this point in case she needed a C-section. It’s a precaution. I hate that I can’t give her what she wants right now. Hell, I’d pay Sal to come down and bring my girl a burger if I could.
Knowing Braun’s suffering so much is killing me. I’m supposed to be able to help her. I think about her giving birth to Emme without Shawn there to help her, while she was still grieving, and feel even worse.
After each hallway lap, Braunwyn becomes more emotional. “Why isn’t it time yet? How much longer? Why doesn’t the baby want to meet us? Emmerson couldn’t wait to get out,” she cries softly, breaking me.
“I know, baby. Hopefully soon.” I kiss the top of her head pulling her closer to me. “Let’s go back to the room now,” I suggest, as we’re having to stop more often, the contractions obviously picking up, causing her pain to the point where her knees buckle and she needs to regroup before walking again.
“That’s a good idea. They’re coming in stronger, maybe the doctor will say it’s time.”
Unfortunately, time starts to blend from night into morning into what feels like evening again. I’m starting to relate to what people describe as “cabin fever”. It’s beginning to feel like our baby will never come to meet us.
A few more hours pass, but finally Braun’s contractions start getting so strong that Nurse Leanne pages the on-call anesthesiologist, stating that Braun will be past the mark if she doesn’t get the epidural soon. I walk over and hug the woman, thanking her.
Soon enough, Braun gets her epidural, but I want to punch the fuck out of the anesthesiologist dude for making Braun feel so much pain as he inserts the needle. Lucky for him, it seems to take effect within minutes, and Braun looks a lot more comfortable.
While she rests, I run and get my twentieth cup of crappy coffee from the machine down the hall. My nerves are getting to me and my pacing is driving Braun crazy. She insists I go for a few minutes.
Re-entering Braun’s room, I feel a rush of panic as I see Leanne springing into action, reacting to an alarm I hear sounding beside Braun. Fuck, I was only gone a minute. She was sleeping; she made me. Damn it! My heart begins to jackhammer in my chest as I take in whatever the hell is happening.
“What the hell’s going on?” I ask, and rush toward her bed.
“I don’t know, Levi. Leanne hasn’t said. She was checking my vitals when suddenly that alarm began,” Braun says, tears dancing down her face as she points to the crazy-looking machine beside her. I notice it’s got a heart symbol beside the number screen, so I assume it’s got something to do with monitoring the baby’s heart rate.
“I’ll find out what’s going on. Just try and relax.” I kiss her forehead.
“Levi, please be calm. Don’t go all Bossy Man.”
“I would never,” I smile, holding my hand to my chest pretending I’m offended. Braun smiles, and I know she’s okay.
“Let them do their job.”
“Okay, baby. I’ll play nice. Let me go see what’s up.”
Walking over toward Leanne, I overhear her on the phone making a hushed call to who I assume is the obstetrician. The next thing I know, a nurse is rushing in the room and begins hooking Braun up to another type of alarm thingy. I quickly cross the room, hoping we’ll get some answers.
“Well, Mommy, it looks like your little one is feeling a bit stressed out in there. I�
��m going to monitor both your and the baby’s blood pressure,” the nurse says as she wraps a circular cuff around Braun’s belly.
“Oh, God, is he okay?” Braun asks, crying harder. I grab her hand, attempting to calm her—and myself.
“Yes, please don’t worry too much. We need you to relax and keep yourself calm, okay, Mom? Dad, I’m going to need you to help here. So no more angry man faces to my staff. We’re doing all that needs to be done.” She pats my arm before returning to Braun. “I’m also going to give you painkillers to help take the edge off.”
“No, no medication. I’m fine. Other than a headache I’m not feeling too much pain. The epidural is enough. I don’t want to give the baby any unnecessary drugs,” Braun counters.
“I promise these are safe. I think you might want them, especially if we need to push soon.”
Braun continues to refuse them, before finally relenting about fifteen minutes later.
“You hanging in there okay, baby?” I ask, once the room clears out. I’m leaning over from my chair, stroking Braun’s hair as she lays on her side cradling her swollen belly.
It’s insane how the atmosphere in the room seemed to change in an instant; we went from bored and frustrated to scared and desperate. I felt panic like I’ve never known rolling over me in waves as I stood watching the commotion. Seeing my favourite person in the world lying on her side clutching her belly makes my heart hurt. I sit in silence now, listening to Braun as she gives our unborn baby a pep talk.
“Hey, there, little one. Everything is okay now. It seems we’ve both calmed down. You know it’s a lot more fun out here than in there,” Braun says, rubbing her belly with her small hand. “Daddy and I are excited to meet you. It’s time to come see us.”
Sitting here listening to Braun talk to our baby nearly guts me. I hate not being able to help. Instead, I pull a chair as tight as I can to her bedside and my hand joins her hand in its motion as she begins quietly singing the words to “This Little Light of Mine.” I watch my brave girl and tears line my face. What the fuck did I do to deserve this in my life? This woman is incredible and I’m such an underserving schmo.
After what feels like forever, Dr. Ramirez returns to examine Braun.
“Okay, everything is looking good here now. I think your ready. Feel like pushing?” Braun turns, looking for me. She smiles that fucking smile I love so much.
That’s my girl.
“Yes, I’m ready.”
“Me too. Always.” I kiss her forehead waiting for the doctor’s instructions.
And, forty-five minutes later, I know what it feels like to be a rich man.
Sitting beside Braun, I can’t seem to wipe the grin off my face as we both stare into the eyes of our beautiful baby boy. I never expected to feel the array of emotions that I do right now as I hold my son—Parker Dash Eddison—swaddled in his little blue blanket.
We named him “Parker” after Shawn’s last name, because we both agreed it felt right.
I will always be grateful for the life I have been given. Meeting my Scrappy and Scooby was the best thing that I could have imagined. Naming the baby Parker is just a small tribute to a man who will always be remembered by the Eddison family.
“I want another one, Scrappy. How long do we have to wait?” I ask, adding the grin I know makes her say “yes” and want to do bad and dirty things with me.
“You’re lucky I love you, Levi,” she says, before she nuzzles Parker’s face telling him what a crazy but adorably funny man his daddy is.
The End
The Facts
• According to the World Health Organization (WHO), someone around the globe commits suicide every 40 seconds. In the year 2000, 815,000 people lost their lives to suicide—more than double the number of people who die as a direct result of armed conflict every year (306,600). For people between the ages of 15 and 44, suicide is the fourth leading cause of death and the sixth leading cause of disability and infirmity worldwide.
• Men commit suicide at a rate four times higher than that of women.
• In Canada, suicide accounts for 24 percent of all deaths among 15-24 year olds and 16 percent among 16-44 year olds. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for Canadians between the ages of 10 and 24.
• Research shows that mental illness is the most important risk factor for suicide; and that more than 90% of people who commit suicide have a mental or addictive disorder. Depression is the most common illness among those who die from suicide, with approximately 60% suffering from this condition. Single determinant, including mental illness, is enough on its own to cause a suicide. Rather, suicide typically results from the interaction of many factors, for example: mental illness, marital breakdown, financial hardship, deteriorating physical health, a major loss, or a lack of social support.
• Statistics Canada reports that suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death in Canada.
• In 2013 (the most recent year for which full data are available), 41,149 suicides were reported, making suicide the 10th leading cause of death for Americans. In that year, someone in the country died by suicide every 12.8 minute.
• Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US.
Suicide Statistics – Canadian Mental Health Association, Toronto Branch. (n.d.). Retrieved November 22, 2015, from http://toronto.cmha.ca/mental_health/suicide-statistics/#.VlFK59D0jds
Health at a Glance. (n.d.). Retrieved November 22, 2015, from http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/82-624-x/2012001/article/11696-eng.htm
Facts and Figures. (n.d.). Retrieved November 22, 2015, from https://www.afsp.org/understanding-suicide/facts-and-figures
Talk to Someone
If urgent, dial 911 and seek help from a mental health professional.
1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433)
or
1-800-273-TALK
(1-800-273-8255)
or
Text Telephone:
1-800-799-4TTY
(1-800-799-4889)
Military Veterans
Suicide Hotline:
1-800-273-TALK
(Press 1)
LGBT Youth
Suicide Hotline:
1-866-4-U-TREVOR
Kids Help Phone
1-800-668-6868
Find help in your area here:
www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
Author’s Note
Dear Reader,
Mental illness is a growing concern in our world today. “On the Rocks” is about surviving the aftermath of suicide, and believing in love again. Levi and Braunwyn’s love story is inspired by events that impacted the lives of people I care about deeply. With all of the research and ongoing concerns with mental health, I’ve decided to try to do something to bring awareness and light to this issue. I will be donating 10% of all pre-order and release week profits to the Canadian Mental Health Association.
You can visit them here, –> http://bit.ly/1LkT3kh to learn more about mental illness and its impact or to donate.
Thank you for helping support this important cause.
Gillian
Xx
Acknowledgments
Alissa – Twinnie!! What can I say? I adore you and appreciate our friendship so very much. Thank you for giving me feedback and encouragement always. I’m so blessed to call you my friend. I love our book talks and always look forward to our quotes, book banter. I couldn’t imagine doing this without having you in my corner. xox
Amanda – Lobby, I don’t even have the right words for you. You are a force– one hell of a resilient and brilliant woman, I love the shit out of you! Thank you for supporting me and always being willing to listen to my brand of crazy. You just…gah, I love you, I can’t even find all the words. I hope love B and L.
C.a. – Dude! I could not have done this without you!! Your feedback and the way you pushed me was beyond infuriating at times but I feel it was worth it all! I am indebted to you, my friend. xox
&n
bsp; Cassia – Thank you! Thank you for being my friend, my supporter and best of all my partner-in-crime. I love you and all you do! Thank you for helping me make my words better. I am so lucky to have you in my life. xx
Dad – Thank you for always being so proud and supporting. There aren’t many people whose dads share their daughters’ smutty teasers on their Facebook pages! xox
Deanna – Simply put, I adore you! Thank you for the support and always being willing to read and be the grammar guru I need. xx
Jen (ESM) – I don’t even have words without tears for you. I can’t describe what taking this journey with you was like…you inspire me to want to be the best I can be. You push me to get the right words to the surface. Best of all, you accept when I’m a horrible speller and the worst grammar-figureoutter in the world. You saved me with this book and I will forever cherish writing this with you!
Jeneane – JJ, thank you for again being an amazing beta reader and giving me perfect feedback.
Karl – I don’t know what to say to you. I sit here and try to put into words how lucky I am to have such an amazing husband. I promise I will be a wife and a mom again soon…and for a little bit. Thank you for letting me do this crazy thing that stresses me out and makes you mom and dad to Max. I love you both with my entire being. I could never have done this without you.
Kymmie – Oh, my anchor. The one who makes me calm me and keeps me from floating away into the abyss of crazy. Thank you for reading, listening and being my Kymmie. I love you! I could not do this without you giving a good smack once in a while. xox
Mom – I cannot thank you enough for always being there. Helping me with my words and my family when I need. I could not have done this without you. You always know what to say to make things better.
Laurie – My lovely, you are such a huge part of this book. Thank you for listening to me, helping me plot, for reading, and just being an amazing friend while I haven’t been the greatest. I really feel Levi, Braun and Emme are yours too. xox
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