“I asked Abby to move in last night,” Cicely says.
Jealousy slaps me across the face, but still I say, “That’s good. She’s better off not living alone right now.” And part of me is happy for her.
Because I’ve decided my jealousy has:
1. Nothing to do with hating Abby.
2. Everything to do with wanting time alone with Cicely.
During dinner, Abby:
1. Drops her spoon.
2. Bumps her head on the table.
3. Says, “That was my 4th head injury today. I only need 2 more before midnight and I’ll break my all-time record.”
“I have a bike helmet in the garage,” Cicely says, standing.
“You can’t protect me from the world, Cis.”
“I can try.”
“If I wore a helmet, I’d only get hit by something that much harder. You can’t stop it.”
“I’ll just have to make Pete stop it then.”
Suddenly, my whole body feels coated with ice.
And maybe I look as doom and gloomy as I feel, because Cicely says, “Of course, tracking Pete down is out of the question. Then again, that probably isn’t the best way to go about confronting him anyway.”
“What do you mean?” I say.
“We’re almost positive that he spies on us. So if we do somehow figure out his location, he’ll know that we know. And if he doesn’t want to be found, he’ll move somewhere else.”
“You’re probably right.”
“So instead of searching him out, we need to find some way to draw him to us.”
“That won’t be easy,” Gordon says. “Pete probably won’t stray from his own plans if he feels like he’s being manipulated. The whole reason he doesn’t want us looking for him is because he wants to be the one in control.”
“That makes sense,” Cicely says.
“I’m not saying it’s impossible. If we give him a good enough reason, he might show himself.”
“What happens if we do face him?” Abby says.
“We stop him,” Cicely says. “We make him undo our curses.”
“What if we can’t?”
“We have to try.”
“Cicely’s right,” Gordon says. “Pete won’t be happy with causing fear and suffering forever. I hate to say this, but if we don’t find some way to stop him, he’ll most likely end up progressing to murder.”
“We don’t know that for sure,” Abby says. “Maybe he only wants to keep things the way they are.”
Part of me wants to:
1. Agree with Abby.
2. Avoid another encounter with Pete.
Still, I say, “The way things are isn’t safe. Your curse could kill you, Abby.”
“Maybe not,” Abby says. “Maybe it can only give me superficial wounds.”
“I stabbed you with a knife.”
“It wasn’t a bad stabbing. The doctor said so.”
“I understand your worries, hon,” Cicely says. “There’s a chance that confronting Pete would only make things worse.” Then she holds out her tennis ball. “There’s also a chance that I’m not a robot incapable of human error, and I’ll drop this someday.”
We all sit in silence for a few heartbeats.
The truth is, I:
1. Don’t usually feel frightened about Cicely and the ball.
2. Feel safer with the world in her hands.
But Cicely’s right. She can’t hold on forever, and she shouldn’t have to try.
“I don’t doubt your experience, Cicely,” Gordon says. “I’m just wondering if you’ve considered that the nature of your curse is self-deception.”
And Cicely says, “You mean have I considered that instead of being responsible for the fate of the world, I’m being forced to believe that I am? A zillion times yes. But no matter how powerful my doubts, the truth remains lodged inside me like a giant kidney stone. I know it seems impossible that a ball could be so connected to the world, but doesn’t Pete deal in impossibilities? None of us know the limits of his power, and personally, I’m not willing to drop the ball to find out.” She stands. “Anyone have room for dessert?”
Later, while we’re watching Amelie, the doorbell rings. I shiver, because I haven’t been slapped yet today. And a few faces flicker in my mind.
1. John.
2. Greg.
3. Karl.
4. Pete.
But when Cicely opens the door, none of them are standing on the other side.
“Kin,” Abby says.
“Ruth,” Cicely says.
“Oh god,” Ruth says, looking as surprised to see us as we are to see her. “I think I need to sit down.”
“Of course.”
I rush into the kitchen to retrieve another chair, and when I return, Ruth’s:
1. Sitting on the couch, arms crossed.
2. Still as the mural behind her.
“Can I get you anything?” Cicely says.
Ruth shakes her head, then says, “When you came to visit me, you said I’d forgotten you. All three of you.”
“That’s right.”
“I didn’t believe you, of course. Then I started seeing things. Little things. Flashes. I thought that by the power of suggestion, my mind was creating false memories so that it seemed like I did know you. I live alone, and I thought this was a defense mechanism for loneliness. But this house is exactly the way I remember it. I remember the mural. I remember eating here with all of you. Except you and the dog.” She glances at Gordon.
“We’re new,” Gordon says
“I think I vomited on someone,” Ruth says.
“That was me,” I say.
“I remember another house too,” Ruth says, and turns to Abby. “I was lying on a couch, and you were reading to me from a book.”
“I used to read to you a lot,” Abby says, tears on her cheeks. “We were good friends when you were Kin.”
“I don’t understand any of this.”
“You used to be someone else,” Cicely says. “Kin had a different personality, different memories. We thought a man named Pete destroyed her, but apparently she still exists somewhere inside you.”
“If you’re saying I’m really Kin, then who’s Ruth?”
“Pete said he created you.”
Ruth winces. And so do I.
Somehow, I expected Cicely to keep this information from Ruth.
“So I’m not real,” Ruth says.
“You’re real,” Cicely says. “Your memories as Ruth may be fabricated or manipulated, but Pete could’ve lied about creating you. Maybe you have the same soul as Kin, or maybe he put a new soul into Kin’s body.”
“I don’t believe in souls.”
“I’m sorry.”
Then Ruth:
1. Stands.
2. Wipes away an escaped tear.
3. Says, “This can’t be happening. It’s not happening. For all I know, I broke into someone’s house and I’m talking to empty space right now. I should go.”
“We’re not hallucinations,” Cicely says.
“If I get sucked in by my own delusions, I may never find my way out. God, I should have known I was going insane when I found this house by chance. Things like that don’t happen in reality.”
“What do you mean by chance?”
Ruth:
1. Stares at the door for a few moments.
2. Sits again.
3. Says, “Sometimes I drive around town to relax. Today, I wandered by your house, and recognized the outside from one of my flashes. I wasn’t looking for you. I had no idea where this house was located. If this is real, then I’m here because of blind luck.”
“Maybe not. Kin was able to connect with the world on a deep level. It’s possible that if her memories are returning, her abilities are reawakening as well. Maybe that’s how you found us.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Kin was psychic,” Abby says.
Ruth:
1. Stares at the door
again.
2. Says, “Can I have a glass of water?”
“Ice or no ice?” Cicely says.
“No ice.”
“I’ll be right back.”
In Cicely’s absence, silence overtakes the room.
Gordon and Abby busy themselves petting Meta while Ruth stares at her hands.
And me, I consider the possibility that:
1. It wasn’t luck or Kin’s 6th sense that brought Ruth here today.
2. My curse orchestrated this reunion.
3. Ruth’s destined to slap me.
But I don’t tell anyone this.
Instead, I study my mole until Cicely returns.
Then Ruth:
1. Gulps down all the water.
2. Stares inside the empty cup.
“Can I get you anything else?” Cicely says.
“No,” Ruth says.
And silence saturates the room again.
Finally, Ruth:
1. Sets the cup down.
2. Turns to Cicely.
3. Says, “If I’m not insane, then the world is. I don’t know how to handle that.”
“We’ll help you,” Cicely says.
Ruth releases a sharp snicker. “I’m sorry for laughing, but I don’t see how anyone can help me.”
“I understand, hon. I felt the same way at first.”
“What? You became a different person too?”
“No, but he cursed me. He cursed all of us, except Gordon.”
“But Gordon’s cursed too,” Abby says. “In a way.”
“Jesus fuck,” Gordon says. “Just because I’m not sighted doesn’t mean I’m suffering some tragedy.”
Abby:
1. Looks like she’s about to cry.
2. Says, soft, “I’m sorry. I just thought it might be hard not to see.”
“Being blind isn’t always easy,” Gordon says. “But that has way more to do with how the world perceives me than how my body perceives the world. More often than not, I’m seen as some useless, sexless, pathetic creature that can’t possibly have a full life. So if you want to empathize with me for how horribly I’m treated on a regular basis, go ahead. Just don’t pity me for not fitting into some socially constructed mold of normality. It’s insulting.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Thank you.” Gordon sighs. “I’m sorry for swearing at you. I shouldn’t’ve talked to you that way.”
“It’s alright.”
“I have a daughter,” Ruth says, her voice breaking. “If I spoke to her, would she remember me? Or would she remember Kin?”
“I don’t know,” Cicely says.
“Oh god, do I even have a daughter? She could be a manufactured memory, couldn’t she?”
“Kin has a daughter,” Abby says. “Maybe Pete incorporated her into your memories.”
“Is her name Rita?” Ruth says.
Abby nods.
And Ruth:
1. Stands.
2. Says, “Can I call her? Somewhere private?”
3. Heads into the bedroom after Cicely points the way.
Then Cicely:
1. Taps the tennis ball against her forehead.
2. Turns to Abby.
3. Says, “I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. What if Pete did to your family exactly what he did to Kin? They could be out there, somewhere, with new memories and new lives.”
“That’s true,” Abby says.
“And if they are like Ruth, their old selves could still exist inside them. They might start remembering who they are.”
Abby smiles a little. “Yeah.”
A short time later, Ruth:
1. Returns with puffy eyes.
2. Says, “She remembers me. Why does she remember me as Ruth and you all remember me as Kin?”
And Cicely says, “Pete violated Kin’s identity in order to threaten us. He’ll do the same thing to me if we start searching for him again.”
“You’re saying this happened to me because someone wanted to scare you?”
“Yes.”
Suddenly, grim fury gnarls Ruth’s face, and for a moment I’m afraid she’s going to:
1. Blame us.
2. Attack Cicely.
I stand.
“Pete,” Ruth says. “Who is he?”
“We don’t even know what he is,” Abby says.
“Whatever he is, he’s a psychopath,” Gordon says.
“You don’t have any memories of him?” Cicely says. “From when he changed you?”
“No,” Ruth says.
Then I:
1. Take out my purple notebook.
2. Show my drawing of the smirking face to Ruth.
3. Say, “This is him.”
“I want to know what he’s done to you,” Ruth says. “All of you.”
So we tell her.
And I’m afraid after everything she’s gone through, our stories will overwhelm her with despair.
But after we finish, Ruth appears close to calm.
“I’m sorry,” Ruth says. “I feel sick to think I’m so connected with this brute. I hope he didn’t put any of himself in me when he made me who I am.”
“He didn’t,” Cicely says, as if she can somehow see the truth in Ruth’s eyes. Maybe she can.
Ruth sighs with what must be relief, because her frown wanes afterward. “If you ever need my help in stopping him, let me know. I should warn you first, I’m a terrible Good Samaritan. No matter what my intentions are, I have a tendency to hurt more than help.”
“Hon, you’re only remembering what Pete put in your mind. I’m sure you’re capable of much more than you imagine. Heck, you’ve already helped us.”
“Have I?”
“You’ve shown us that Pete’s capable of making mistakes. He worked hard to remove evidence of Kin from the world. He altered your memories, Rita’s, and probably the memories of everyone you know. But it wasn’t enough. Kin’s still stirring inside you, and I don’t think he planned for that. What I’m not sure about is whether he thought he could erase someone from reality and failed, or if he was exaggerating his abilities and didn’t expect us to find out.”
“I’m guessing the latter,” Gordon says. “He could’ve threatened you with something he’s fully capable of doing. But in all likelihood, Pete’s a pathological liar. I’m sure he wants to convince us he’s more powerful than he is.”
“But he is powerful,” Abby says. “Why would he need to lie about it?”
Gordon rubs his chin. “He could be the most powerful man on earth, and he’ll still want to come off as some sort of god.”
“What if he is one?”
“He’s not,” Cicely says, firm.
“I think Pete’s a coward,” I say. “The only time I’ve ever had direct contact with him, he had me chained to a wall. And most of the time, he sneaks around leaving us little notes. That reminds me. Ruth, when I came to your house the other day, did you see anyone near my car?”
“No,” Ruth says.
“I’m asking because Pete left a note on my windshield while I was talking to you. It’s possible he made his move while I was walking up the driveway, but I think it’s more likely that he can camouflage himself somehow. Make himself invisible. That might even explain how he spies on us.”
“You’re saying he just watches us from inside our homes?” Abby says.
“Maybe,” I say. “The point is, I doubt there was ever any chance of us finding him. If he doesn’t want to be seen, he won’t be seen.”
“But Pete said he would hurt Cicely if we kept looking for him. Why would he make that threat if we can’t find him? You think he was just trying to scare us?”
“No, I’m sure he’ll hurt any or all of us if we break his rule. But I don’t think he threatened us to keep us from finding him. I think he’s afraid that in the process of searching for him, we might discover who and what he is. Gordon’s right about him. Pete wants us to think he’s more than he is, so he lies const
antly and creates a mystique for himself. He hides behind the illusion that he’s some supreme being. And I think he’s trying to deceive himself with this fantasy as much as he is us. Because without the self-delusion, he’d have to face how screwed up and out of control he really is.”
I don’t tell them I’m speaking from experience.
What I do say is, “He’s so afraid of being seen as the pathetic creature he is, I doubt he’ll ever show himself to us again. Like I said, he’s a coward.”
Abby looks around the room.
Then Ruth:
1. Stands.
2. Says, “I’m tired. I’d better head home.”
“You can come back anytime,” Cicely says.
“Thank you for everything. All of you.”
Ruth:
1. Shakes hands with Cicely and Gordon.
2. Walks over to Abby.
2. Steps on Abby’s bare foot, causing Abby to yelp.
4. Stumbles backwards.
And I:
1. Rush forward.
2. Steady Ruth from behind.
3. Feel #28 on my cheek after Ruth spins around.
But it’s not really me she’s attacking.
“I thought you were him,” Ruth says, shaking. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright,” I say. “I understand.”
Ruth finishes her:
1. Apologies.
2. Goodbyes.
Then as soon as the front door closes, Abby’s emotions pour out of her in raspy sobs.
I put my arm around her, because:
1. I’m the closest to her.
2. I’m no more likely to hurt her than anyone else right now, since I’ve been slapped.
3. I want to.
“Everything’s gonna be alright,” I say.
Abby:
1. Wipes off her face.
2. Says, “I’m just so happy about Kin, you know? I thought she was dead. But maybe she’s coming back.”
“Maybe,” I say.
“I have these books at my house. They’re Kin’s favorites, and I used to read them to her all the time. Do you think if I gave them to her, it might help her remember more times we spent together?”
“It’s worth a try.”
“I think I’ll go get them. Thanks, Nick.” She:
1. Hugs me.
2. Walks toward the door.
“Do you want me to go with you?” Cicely says.
“I’ll be alright,” Abby says.
“Meta’s ready to go home,” Gordon says. “Abby, would you mind dropping us off on your way? I don’t want to force Nick to leave before he’s ready, if I can help it.”
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